#214: Joy and Sorrow (1)

As Shen Xiling sat alongside Qi Yin in the carriage traveling from Fenghe Garden to the Qi family estate, her heart was still uneasy, even reverting to a childhood habit—her fingers twisting together, betraying her nervousness.

She couldn’t help but recall what Qi Yin had said to her recently.

He had said, “Wenwen, let’s get married.”

Upon reflection, this proposal was perfectly reasonable given their current relationship and circumstances. Yet, Shen Xiling didn’t understand why she had been so stunned at the time, unable to speak.

Only then did she realize… she had never considered marrying Qi Yin.

Her reaction was so unexpected that it made Qi Yin feel somewhat awkward as well. Despite wielding immense power over the nation’s court, he couldn’t be as unrestrained with Shen Xiling. Her evident surprise left him uncertain about her feelings toward marriage, prompting him to cautiously ask, “What? You… don’t wish to?”

Shen Xiling certainly wasn’t unwilling—it was just… she didn’t know how to explain.

Perhaps it was because they had endured so many trials that she had grown accustomed to suffering, subconsciously believing hardship was her norm. The idea of happiness after enduring such struggles felt almost undeserved.

This belief was deeply ingrained, and she herself hadn’t fully realized it. At the moment, feeling flustered, she hastily explained to Qi Yin, “Hmm? Oh… no, how could I not want to? It’s just…”

Qi Yin looked at her, his expression gentle. “Just what?”

His gentleness didn’t ease Shen Xiling’s unease. She hesitated for a while before continuing, “It’s just… I feel that marriage isn’t necessary between us…”

Before she could finish, she noticed Qi Yin’s brows furrow, prompting her to hurriedly add, “I mean, marriage itself doesn’t hold much significance. It’s merely a formality. If two people lack affection, even a marriage certificate won’t sustain them. But if their love is strong, they can remain together without anything official…”

She glanced at Qi Yin tentatively, her voice growing softer. “I think we needn’t be bound by those conventional rituals…”

Qi Yin remained silent for a long while after hearing her words. Shen Xiling wondered if he was upset, lowering her head slightly in avoidance.

She didn’t understand why she reacted this way… wasn’t marrying this man what she had always desired most? Yet now, she found herself avoiding the topic—not necessarily the marriage itself, but perhaps what lay behind it.

For instance, if they were to marry, she would have to face his family. Five years ago, she had added to the Qi family’s troubles. She still vividly remembered the shocked and angry glances Qi Yin’s father and elder brother had cast her when the real Fang Yun appeared in court… She felt deeply guilty and unsure how to face them.

Moreover, she was now remarried… Though her relationship with Gu Juhán had been pure, what would others think? Even if people refrained from openly criticizing due to Qi Yin’s power, gossip would inevitably spread behind closed doors. She didn’t want to be the subject of rumors or bring trouble upon Qi Yin…

Rather than facing all these complications, she would rather not marry at all. Wouldn’t it be fine for them to quietly stay together in Fenghe Garden as they had before? Why go through all this trouble?

Shen Xiling sighed silently, her head bowed. At that moment, Qi Yin gently pulled her into his arms.

His hands encircled her waist, enveloping her entirely, giving her an inexplicable sense of security.

“Wenwen,” she heard him say, “Do you remember when we talked about eloping?”

How could she forget?

Back then, the storm had yet to arrive, and the northern campaign hadn’t begun. Despite the weight of his responsibilities, he was willing to abandon everything to take her away.

She had never forgotten that decision and was deeply moved by it every time she thought of it.

Nestled in his arms, she nodded, then heard his calm voice fall softly into her ears. “At that time, I wanted to marry you, not because I cared about the title of husband and wife, but because if we had children, I wouldn’t let them endure the hardships you faced as a child.”

His tone was steady and gentle.

“I know Chancellor Shen cherished you and loved your mother,” he continued, “but I’m sure he also regretted not being able to provide each other with a formal union.”

“We can certainly choose to live unconventionally, disregarding societal norms, but I’ve always wanted… to give you the most conventional form of fulfillment.”

“The three letters and six rites, a house full of guests, parents present, and a lifelong commitment.”

“No more compromises or sacrifices, just the natural cessation of suffering—that’s all.”

His words were always like this—subtle and sometimes difficult to grasp—but this time, they struck deep within Shen Xiling. Not only did she understand, but she was profoundly moved.

This person had already given her so much emotion. They had been through so much together that she thought she wouldn’t cry over a few words from him anymore. But the truth was, he always knew how to find the most vulnerable spot in her heart, breaking her defenses with just a few sentences.

He understood her too well.

She started crying again, burying her face in his chest, unable to speak. He chuckled softly, wiping her tears and lightly kissing her. Their breaths intertwined as if they had always been like this—so natural, so undeniable.

Shen Xiling couldn’t bring herself to refuse him any longer. This person deserved everything she could give, and even that wouldn’t be enough. How could she be stingy with her courage?

He was right—they shouldn’t compromise anymore. They should naturally pursue the most conventional form of fulfillment.

…Yet, despite steeling herself with courage before arriving, when she stepped out of the carriage and stood before the gates of the Qi family estate, that courage evaporated completely. She became flustered again, even contemplating backing out.

Tugging at Qi Yin’s sleeve, she said, “M-maybe we should come back another day… I don’t think I’m ready…”

Her reaction amused Qi Yin. He sighed and teased, “You weren’t afraid ten years ago. Are you more timid now than when you were a child?”

He was referring to her first visit to the main household ten years ago. Indeed, the situation was similar—she was meeting his parents, and he was accompanying her.

But his words were incorrect. Shen Xiling frowned, defiant despite her weak argument. “Who said I wasn’t scared as a child? I was terrified—I just didn’t tell you.”

Qi Yin was speechless. “Then don’t tell me now.”

Shen Xiling protested, “No, I must tell you—I’m scared.”

…This girl was becoming increasingly unreasonable.

Unfortunately, Little Qi Lord could no longer scold her sternly as he once did. She knew he loved her and would endlessly indulge her, so she grew bolder.

She lingered hesitantly at the gate for a while, then reasoned that whether she faced it now or later, the outcome would be the same. Better to get it over with sooner. Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself and entered the estate with Qi Yin.

Before the grand red gates opened, Shen Xiling had assumed the place would resemble Fenghe Garden, unchanged from her memories. However, upon entering with Qi Yin, she realized how much it had transformed.

She remembered her first visit—the noble household seemed vast as the sea, its halls and pavilions majestic, its trees and rocks lush and vibrant. Every corner was adorned with intricate carvings, exuding dignity and splendor. Back then, reaching the main hall required passing through countless flower halls and corridors, navigating numerous screens and partitions. Servants outnumbered those in Fenghe Garden tenfold, and rare birds like mynahs and parrots were kept for entertainment. That was when she truly understood the meaning of “luxury.”

But now… the estate was visibly in decline.

The number of servants had dwindled significantly, and the precious birds once kept along the corridors were gone. The ornate carvings remained, but neglect was evident—peeling paint and faded colors revealed the loss of its former grandeur.

Initially perplexed, Shen Xiling gradually pieced things together as she walked. Over the past five years, the Qi family had fallen from grace. With only Qi Yin serving in the court, his salary alone couldn’t support the hundreds of family members. Moreover, opportunistic people likely took advantage of their misfortune, severing ties to avoid association. Those who once sought favors from the Qis had distanced themselves. The family’s decline was inevitable.

This scene of decay pained Shen Xiling, and she instinctively reached for Qi Yin’s hand.

Glancing sideways, Qi Yin saw her worried expression as she gazed up at him. “Is there no money left in the household?” she asked. “I have money—lots of it. We can use it for the family.”

Looking around, she added, “This place needs repairs. We can’t let Lady Qi and the others see it like this.”

She focused intently on her surroundings, planning and calculating, unaware of what she had just said—”the household.”

She had already considered his home as her own.

Qi Yin smiled faintly, warmth lingering in his heart. Without saying more, he tightened his grip on her hand and walked with her toward the main hall.

Inside the main hall, the Qi family had gathered: Qi Zhang, Yao Shi, Qi Yun, Han Ruohui, Qi Ning, Hui’er, Tai’er, Lady Ning, and Qi Le’s widow, Lady Ning, holding their infant daughter, Nian’er.

Nian’er, still in swaddling clothes, was blissfully unaware of her father’s passing. She gazed joyfully at her mother with large, grape-like eyes, her tiny mouth stretched into a smile, seemingly delighted by the white flower pinned to her mother’s hair.

The lively children in the household were Hui’er and Tai’er. Hui’er, nearly eleven, had grown into a graceful young lady, sitting calmly beside her parents. Tai’er, on the other hand, was energetic at five years old—a mischievous age where he couldn’t sit still. Today, he kept running to the entrance to peek outside. When no one arrived, he pouted and tugged at Grandmother Yao’s sleeve, asking, “Grandma, Grandma, when will Uncle Qi and Auntie arrive? Tai’er wants to see Auntie!”