#12: Interesting Homophonic Puns

1

As the Spring Festival approached, I ordered a pot of Zhangzhou narcissus online as a festive flower. I asked the shopkeeper for advice on how to care for the narcissus, and they sent me text instructions along with related videos. First, you need to clean the narcissus bulbs, then soak them in a growth inhibitor for 24 hours, and finally wash and place them in a pot. Since it was shipped by air, they couldn’t send the growth inhibitor, so the shopkeeper suggested using aspirin or salt instead. Xinbao was very excited to clean the narcissus bulbs, and Lin Zhiyi brought over a spoonful of salt. After washing a few bulbs, Xinbao found it boring and ran off to play. When I wanted to take over, Lin Zhiyi said, “Didn’t you cut your finger? Let me do it.” As he spoke, he handed me the spoon with the salt. My finger had been accidentally cut while opening a package earlier. Just as he turned around to wash the narcissus, I leaned over to look, and accidentally tilted the salt spoon—suddenly, there were snow-like spots of salt all over his black sweater. “Oh no! I messed up again! The salt spilled on you!” I exclaimed. “We haven’t even started growing them yet, and you’re already making me ‘endorse’ the narcissus,” he said calmly as he continued washing the bulbs. Xinbao and I couldn’t help but laugh upon hearing this.

2

Before going to bed, I was reading a book that mentioned the most charming men are talented and somewhat lecherous. The first person that came to my mind was Tang Bohu.

Lin Zhiyi had just finished showering and came out of the bathroom. I said to him, “Women are easily attracted to talented rogues like Tang Bohu. No wonder philosophers say lecherous talents are the most charming. Fortunately, you, my lecherous talent, only have eyes for me.”

“That’s right, I’m a lecherous rogue,” he nodded. “Who admits to being a lecherous rogue?” I was puzzled. “I love photography! So naturally, I’m a ‘lecherous rogue’ (photography enthusiast).” “...” There’s no problem here; both “color” and “shoot” sound like “se” when he says them.

3

Xinbao loves drinking pearl milk tea, especially from a shop in our neighborhood. One time at a restaurant, she saw some milk tea and ordered it. After bringing it back, she only drank a few sips. I asked her, “Don’t you love drinking milk tea? Why aren’t you drinking it?”

She said, “This is silk stocking milk tea, not as good as regular pearl milk tea.” “Disappointed milk tea? No wonder you’re disappointed,” Lin Zhiyi said. “...” Can’t tell “s” from “sh,” really.

4

One day, I wore black wide-legged pants paired with a light gray checkered suit and asked Xinbao, “Am I dressed differently today compared to usual?” She looked up and said, “What’s different?” “Do I look professional?” She pouted, “Not particularly.” Lin Zhiyi said, “Not professional.” I said, “Isn’t the suit professional enough?” Lin Zhiyi replied, “Not from a paper mill, but from a printing factory.” “…”

5

After coming home from work, I discovered that the wedding photo album we took in Turkey to commemorate our ten years of marriage had arrived. The cover was beautifully made, tempting me to take a peek, but I resisted. I wanted to wait until after my shower and lie in bed with someone to appreciate it together.

Taking wedding photos has a sense of ritual, and viewing them also requires a ritualistic approach.

I asked Lin Zhiyi, “Our wedding photo album has arrived. Have you seen it?” He said, “No, I was waiting for you to come back and look together! Or should we look now?” I said, “Let’s not look now. Wait until after your shower when you’re fresh.” “When we’re ‘intimately fresh’,” he said mischievously. “…” Is it because my Mandarin isn’t standard enough, or is he deliberately misinterpreting me?

6

A fashion blogger I often follow recommended six types of bags, two of which I happen to own. I told Lin Zhiyi, “A famous fashionista recommended six types of bags, and I own two of them. I feel like quite the fashionista!” Lin Zhiyi said, “Oh my goodness! You’re a wet towel, I’m a dry towel, we’re a perfect match!” “...” It’s impossible to talk about fashion topics with him.

7

Once, my boxing coach told me a story. He said a female student who had been learning boxing for half a year went to a restaurant with friends a few days ago. Someone tried to pick a fight, but the female student got into a boxing stance and confidently said, “I know how to box!” Seeing this, the troublemaker backed off without causing any trouble.

The coach said, “Besides exercising, learning boxing gives you a skill that can protect yourself in critical moments.” This opened up a whole new world for me! Before, I thought boxing was just for athletes competing or working out in the gym. When I got home after taking a shower that night, Lin Zhiyi had just put Xinbao to sleep. Remembering what the boxing coach said, I eagerly shared it with him and earnestly said, “I’ll practice boxing seriously from now on, it can also protect me! Why don’t you try my strength?” He held out his palm and said, “Come on, hero!” I got into a fighting stance, threw my front punch, hitting his left palm. Then I made him extend his right palm and threw my back punch, hitting his right palm. “How was that? Was it powerful?” I asked. He said, “I thought it was pretty cute.” “...” Cute and powerful sound different. I protested, “I didn’t use much force just now. Let me try again.” He said, “That wouldn’t be fair.” As he spoke, he started undressing. “Why are you undressing just to practice boxing with me?” “I need to dress like you.” “...” Looking at myself, I realized I was only wearing a tank top after my shower, eager to share my boxing insights. Seeing him also dressed lightly and ready to spar, I couldn’t stop laughing. We looked more like we were in a “melee” rather than practicing boxing!

But he kept encouraging me, “Come on, hero!”

“The hero won’t fight tonight. I need to go to sleep to be a real man tomorrow.” I decided to call it quits. “Then let’s continue in bed.” “...” Why do I feel like I’ll become his sparring partner soon?

8

In a university boys’ dormitory. Boy A, having just finished eating instant noodles, said contentedly, “Little B, these instant noodles on the table are getting cold! I ate them while they were hot. For such an altruistic act, shouldn’t you give me a thumbs-up?” Boy B jumped up angrily, “You bastard, you ate my instant noodles while I went downstairs to get a package! And you want me to praise you? If I praise you, I’m your grandson!” At this moment, Lin Zhiyi walked in and calmly said to Boy B, “Then aren’t you Gongsun Zan?” Everyone burst into laughter… Lin Zhiyi told me this early in the morning today; it was a dream he had last night. Such a humorous young man, even dreaming funny dreams! (The joke is based on the homophonic pun of “Gongsun Zan.”)

9

Before dinner, Xinbao asked me, “Mom, if someone’s birthday is September 12th, what zodiac sign is that?” “Virgo, since when did you become interested in astrology?” “Hahaha, too funny. Our class genius Wang Jiashu is a boy, but he’s a Virgo.” After a pause, she added, “I’ve always been interested in astrology. I’m Gemini, Dad is Taurus, and Mom is Scorpio.” Grandma came in with dinner and said, “Excuse me, let me sit down.” “By the way, Grandma, what sign are you?” Xinbao asked. Grandma replied seriously, “I’m made of meat.”

10

To be able to communicate fluently in English with foreigners during international travel, I’ve been studying English diligently for half an hour every day recently. That day, I learned about the infinitive “to do,” and the teacher explained its usage. Grandma heard this and repeated, “Potato, potato…” I burst out laughing. It’s “to do,” not potato! Grandma is truly adorable! Remember during the Beijing Olympics when people often said “One World, One Dream,” Grandma would repeat, “Walei liwan de wanju.”

11

While I was brushing my teeth and washing my face in the bathroom, Xinbao ran over and asked, “Mom, do you like red envelopes?” “Red envelopes?” I was confused. Surely she doesn’t mean the “red envelopes” we can send on WeChat? Could she mean a red backpack? “I recently received a new red envelope. Do you want to see it?” she asked with a smile. “Sure!” I replied. She rolled up her sleeve and pointed to her arm, saying, “Look, the mosquito bite on my hand is a red envelope.” “...” Even Xinbao is teasing me now?

12

For the Spring Festival of 2021, due to the COVID-19 pandemic, we responded to the national call and stayed in Beijing for the New Year. Before the New Year, thorough cleaning was inevitable. I spent four full days tidying up Xinbao’s room.

Before going to bed, I saw her hugging a plush toy and lying in bed, looking particularly cute and obedient. I glanced at her bright, fresh, and warm bedroom, akin to a princess’s room, and asked her, “How does it feel to sleep in your own bed today? How is it different from usual?”

“Very unimpressed.”

“What?”

Unimpressed is unimpressed, why add “very” to emphasize it?

“Not impressed at all,” she repeated.

After spending several days tidying up, I managed to liberate your room from chaos and make it bright. I even accidentally hurt my fingers in the process, and you’re still not impressed! I was about to educate her, hoping she’d learn to tidy her room herself in the future, or at least appreciate others’ efforts. Unexpectedly, she said, “The room is too tidy. I’m afraid to move. I fear that if I move, I’ll mess up the blanket.” “...” Turns out, “敢动” (dare to move) is not “感动” (moved)!

13

Lately, little Xinbao has become obsessed with “brain teasers,” even preferring them over bedtime stories. One day, as I lay beside her, listening to a radio host share brain teasers, she said she wanted to give me one. “Which one do you like best among He, Hua, Niao, Yu, Chun, Xia, Qiu, Dong?” I thought about it—are these words related? I actually like them all! I love birds, flowers, spring, summer, autumn, winter, and eating fish. How do I choose? “Can I only pick one?” I asked. “Only one,” she affirmed. “Then ‘Yu’ (fish), because Dà Níng loves fish!” “Wrong!”

“Then what is it?”

“The correct answer is ‘He’ (贺).”

“Why?” I was puzzled.

“He means ‘add treasure’ (加贝)! If we add a baby to our family, we’ll be even happier!”

I laughed. “He” sounds like “add treasure,” a homophonic pun meaning “double happiness,” perfectly matching “my favorite.” I thought Xinbao probably didn’t create this brain teaser herself, so I asked, “Where did you hear this brain teaser?” “Dad told it to me,” she said. Instantly, I felt warm inside.