70. Crumbling

“Where would you like to go?”

As they stood at the hospital’s main entrance, Chief Choi, who had been waiting, asked Soohyun.

“Hmm.”

Soohyun hesitated for a moment, unable to answer Chief Choi’s question immediately.

Everything he had prepared was finished.

Yet, his heart felt endlessly empty. He had thought he would be filled with at least the achievement of having done it, but he felt surprisingly little emotion.

Where should he go?

Since Haerin had left the house, Soohyun hadn’t gone home. He had a lot of work, and he also wanted to escape reality by avoiding the empty house. In the end, he had been staying in a hotel the whole time.

Perhaps it was a relief in a way. He hadn’t even had proper time to fully realize that Haerin had left his side.

Was it time to face reality now?

“Hah...”

Soohyun let out a long breath and slowly opened his mouth after a long while.

“Let’s go home. To Hannam-dong.”

________________________________________

Thump.

As he opened the front door, the sensor light flickered on.

The space in front of the door was empty. He always used to see Haerin’s neatly placed shoes when he came back from work, but today there was nothing. It was only natural.

As soon as he opened the door, the thought that this house was completely empty washed over him.

Soohyun took off his shoes in the middle of the empty space and stepped inside.

The inside of the house looked no different from the day Haerin had left. No, perhaps everything was so neatly organized that it was hard to believe she had even lived here.

Looking around the interior as if nothing had happened, Soohyun slowly walked further inside.

As Soohyun reached the living room, the words that habitually lingered in his mouth quietly escaped.

“...Haerin-ah. I’m home.”

His gaze turned habitually. In his line of sight, he saw the dinner table set. Haerin, who had been moving in the kitchen, walked towards Soohyun.

As always, her gently smiling face greeted him.

‘You’re home? You worked hard today.’

He thought he could see her bashfully smiling. He thought he could hear the clinking of dishes.

Soohyun slowly took a step and walked towards the kitchen.

The space without its owner was only silent.

He saw and then lost sight of her, smiling shyly, saying she had only made a few simple side dishes but had taken out all sorts of bowls, and then feeling embarrassed about it.

Ah.

A sigh mixed with a groan escaped his lips.

He had to acknowledge that she had left, but his heart wouldn’t accept it. His gaze restlessly roamed the house, following Haerin’s traces. Her afterimage repeatedly appeared and disappeared in his vision.

“Haerin-ah, I’m home. Haerin-ah.”

Calling Haerin’s name, Soohyun staggered further inside. Standing in front of the dining table, he saw Haerin, happy to receive the necklace.

‘Thank you for saying thank you.’

He had a wife who would tear up and be happy over just one word of thanks.

“Haerin-ah.”

He walked unsteadily towards the place where she had stood, but there was nothing there. What he had been seeing was an illusion. A mirage created by his desperate heart.

And.

‘Did I say something I shouldn’t have? You’re secretly hoping for it too, aren’t you? You’re the one who wants to leave here more than anyone.’

‘How... how can you say such a thing to me in this situation? Are you saying I wanted my sibling to die quickly?’

His gaze returned to where Jung Soohyun had been sitting on the sofa, looking at Haerin. There was himself, spouting harsh words to her when she was clearly tired and struggling.

Yes, that was me. That was me.

He remembered the conversation from that day. He felt suffocated.

‘That’s right. So, wish as you want, Sunbae. You wanted it more than anyone for it to happen.’

‘What.’

‘For me to leave you.’

That’s right. Whenever he had a chance, he had pushed her to quit everything, to leave him, to go. And in the end, she had left.

‘Goodbye.’

He remembered Haerin’s last moment, opening the door and leaving, her back turned to him without looking back.

Only then did Soohyun fully realize that he was completely alone in this house he had entered.

“Ah...”

Soohyun walked aimlessly towards the dressing room where Haerin’s clothes had hung. The clothes, packed tightly, remained almost exactly as he had sent them.

It seemed Haerin had taken only the luggage she had brought. Not taking anything he had given her.

On the vanity table in one corner of the dressing room, he saw a familiar box. Opening it, he found the necklace Soohyun had gifted her.

“Haerin-ah.”

Soohyun took the necklace out of the box and held it in his hand.

Ha.

You said thank you, that it was the first time. You said you would cherish it.

Looking at the necklace she had left behind, he felt as if she had left behind even the feelings she had held for him.

Seeing the last trace of Haerin, all the strength drained from his body.

Soohyun slumped down onto the floor.

“Ugh...”

His breath caught in his throat as if someone was choking him. His chest swelled endlessly. The sorrow of Haerin leaving him welled up in his throat. The magnitude of the surging sorrow was unbearable, and goosebumps rose all over his body.

A groan escaped Soohyun’s clenched teeth as he sat slumped. A moan flowed from his parted lips. The quietly flowing moan was a heart-wrenching sound.

The longing for her empty space crashed over Soohyun like a wave.

“Heeuh...”

His chest ached. No, was ‘ached’ even the right word?

He had grown up being taught that showing emotion was no different from showing weakness. He couldn’t cry even when he lost his mother, and he swallowed his tears when his brother left.

The eyes of the man who hadn’t cried even at the death of his family were now wet.

It tears. It hurts as if it’s tearing apart. No, it hurts more than any pain that words can express.

His heart clenched and twisted, and Soohyun stopped breathing.

He gripped his chest with one hand, hit it, and then hit it again, trying to soothe the pain. Every time he pounded his chest with his fist, he remembered her eyes resenting him.

Her small hand weakly hitting his chest.

“Haa-euk.”

The sob that had welled up in his throat finally surged uncontrollably. His vision blurred and swelled, and tears streamed down his cheeks.

“Ah...”

A drop of tear gathered under his chin and then flowed down in streams.

“Haa-euh...”

The falling tears wet his hand that was supporting him on the floor. Soohyun collapsed onto the floor and cried endlessly.

It felt like tears were flowing from every pore on his face. He didn’t care. He didn’t care at all about his utterly miserable appearance.

What flowed out was a bitter lamentation of realizing reality, and regret for the things that had passed.

“Haerin-ah. Haerin-ah. Ah, Haerin-ah.”

Calling Haerin’s name in a voice choked with sobs, he lifted his head.

Soohyun abruptly stood up and walked mindlessly towards the bed where Haerin used to stroke him. He saw Haerin sitting on the bed, stroking his back as he faced away.

Her warm, so warm hand. The hand that conveyed warmth. Yoon Haerin’s hand that had calmed him.

Everywhere he turned his eyes, Haerin was there. The woman he had loved was there.

She was there.

And he was left alone in the space where they had spent countless nights loving each other.

She was gone.

The overflowing sorrow wasn’t relieved by the flowing tears. The sobs soon turned into wails and then into cries of anguish, letting out the shattered heart.

“Aaaaargh!”

He shouted without realizing it. His parted lips wouldn’t close. The lump in his chest wouldn’t dissolve.

He couldn’t forgive his past self, and he couldn’t believe that she was gone.

His whole body felt stinging and painful. He regretted the time he had made her sad. How could any words in the world express this pain?

It was a sorrow that he couldn’t express with any words he knew.

________________________________________

The day you left, I knew your heart had changed. I knew that the hope I had clung to, however small, had crumbled.

The despair that filled your face as you looked back at me told me that you couldn’t endure it any longer.

It was what I had so desperately wanted. I was the one who made you that way, and you finally became that way,

But I never knew that seeing it would make my heart so desolate.

The brightly smiling face you showed me, how much joy it was. I only realized it after losing it.

No matter how much I pushed you away, I thought you would always smile at me from that spot. I had a foolish certainty that you had nowhere else to go and couldn’t leave.

That you were there solely because of your will. Something I couldn’t control. You were that kind of person.

I realize it now.

You’ve already flown away, and only I am tied down here.

That shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have let you go like that.

Haerin-ah. Haerin-ah.

Ah.

This heart-wrenching pain is because I lost my love.

To only realize it after losing it.

Because the place I live is hell. I didn’t want to drag you into that hell.

I was afraid that you, who had fallen into this dirty place, would become tainted by its evil, covered in filth like me.

So I pushed you away, and pushed you away again. Saying I was afraid you would betray me, I actually urged you to betray me.

I thought it would be easier to deal with you if you became darkened like everyone else.

I couldn’t bear to see the brightest person I had ever seen change with my own two eyes.

I treated you in a cowardly and cruel way. It would have been better if I had just insisted that you were nothing to me from the start.

I endlessly denied that you were a cherished memory or a special being. I denied your existence, I denied you.

I was so selfish.

But you were just light, a person who shone so brightly. You actually illuminated me and made me see the filth on my hands.

You soaked me like an endlessly surging wave and dyed me like a gentle drizzle that falls quietly.

You didn’t try to change me, and you didn’t try to break me.

You endlessly embraced and embraced me, accepting me.

And in doing so, you completely shattered me.

Ah.

You completely broke me.

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Completely melted into you, with you completely permeating me.

Without you, I am a person who can have no meaning.

Without you, I am just darkness. A pitch-black night where I can’t see anything.

Searching for the light, searching for you, wandering and wandering in this vast darkness, just calling your name.

Haerin-ah. Haerin-ah.

I’m sorry. And I regret it.

Not having told you I loved you.

My one and only love.