75. I Love You

Beep, beep.

A familiar mechanical sound echoed. The regularly repeating sound struck his ears like distant waves, then whirred and faded away.

Even though he opened his eyes, his vision was blurry, as if he hadn’t.

Soohyun blinked his heavy eyelids a few times, and only after a long while was he finally able to focus on the ceiling he was looking at.

His throat felt tight, as if he were being choked. He groaned softly, trying to cough up whatever was obstructing his throat, when he realized someone was sitting beside him.

Haerin was there, in his line of sight.

Soohyun let out a soft breath, like scraping his throat, suppressing any sound. Haerin was sitting beside him, nodding off.

Was this situation a dream?

Trying his best not to make any noise, Soohyun kept his body still and just moved his gaze around, surveying his surroundings. The interior was familiar; it seemed to be a VIP room at Taesung Medical Center.

Ah, he was alive.

Soohyun’s last memory was collapsing with Chief Seok in front of the courtyard after crawling out of the office. Seeing himself in a hospital bed, he figured he must have been rescued then.

But why was Haerin here?

Did she come because he was sick? If so, would she leave again if she knew he was awake? Should he pretend to be asleep?

Now that he was conscious, his whole body throbbed and stung. Especially the back of his head felt rough and uncomfortable, giving him a strange feeling.

Still, Soohyun was so happy that Haerin was sitting beside him that he held his breath and closed his eyes. He slightly opened his closed eyes, pretending to sleep, and glanced at Haerin.

Sunlight poured in behind Haerin as she dozed off. The way she rested her hands on her belly as she nodded was lovely. If it weren’t for the fact that he couldn’t move his body at all, it would have felt like a peaceful afternoon of everyday life.

But the good feeling was short-lived; his head throbbed as if it would break, and Soohyun ended up groaning.

“Ugh...”

“...Huh?”

As soon as Soohyun groaned, Haerin abruptly opened her eyes. The moment she opened her eyes, she immediately looked at Soohyun, and as their eyes met, she stood up.

“...Hello.”

Not knowing what to say first, Soohyun greeted her awkwardly. Haerin’s lips trembled and then drooped.

“...Hello? You can say hello right now? Sunbae, why do you always surprise people like this!”

Haerin bit her lip hard and then got angry. Her brow was deeply furrowed, her face full of anger.

“......”

Not knowing what to say, he kept his mouth shut. Haerin shook her head and continued to pour out resentful words.

“You’ve been lying here for a whole week. You were lying here like a dead person because you didn’t regain consciousness. A whole week.”

“...I’m sorry.”

His throat hurt as if he were swallowing razor blades every time he spoke, but Soohyun squeezed out an apology. He barely managed to say “I’m sorry,” but his throat hurt so much that he had to groan for a long time.

“...Ha. Really.”

Haerin silently watched him until his throat calmed down, then finally sighed and clicked her tongue.

“Well, now that you’re awake, I’ll be going.”

And she turned her back on him coldly.

“...Haerin-ah. I actually tried to die.”

Even as his throat screamed, Soohyun thought he had to say what he felt he wouldn’t be able to say later. Fortunately, perhaps he was getting used to the pain, because even with his sore throat, he could still make his voice heard.

In the moment of death, how much he had wanted to say to Haerin. Soohyun recalled the time he sat amidst the flames, swallowing words he couldn’t convey.

He had so much he wanted to say to Haerin.

“I wanted to die. Thinking that you weren’t in my life, everything felt futile. I only thought, what’s the point of me being alive?”

Haerin, who stood with her back to Soohyun, was silent. But she didn’t leave the hospital room, so Soohyun mustered the courage to continue speaking.

“I know you won’t take me back... but still, seeing your face makes me so happy, I even like this situation. You can call me crazy. Even in this state, seeing your face makes me happy...”

“...Happy? Are you really happy?”

At Soohyun’s words, Haerin whirled around and questioned him sharply. Her face was completely stained with tears.

“Do you know how I felt being here? I’ve lived taking care of a dying person for so long, and you call me here again to wait, and then you say you’re happy?”

“......”

“I hated you. I thought I would die from hating you. You were lying here in the place where my sibling passed away, not opening your eyes, not speaking, lying here like you were dead, and I was so scared. How could you ask me to bear that kind of loss again...?”

“Haerin-ah.”

“You said you tried to die. It makes me shudder. What right do you have to think like that!”

Hearing Haerin’s feelings as she waited for him, Soohyun was tormented by the thought that he had made her cry again. His heart felt heavy, wondering if Yoon Haerin had sat in the hospital room where her sibling had passed away and silently swallowed her tears again.

He barely lifted his body a little and took Haerin’s hand as she stood beside him.

“I’m sorry, Haerin-ah. I made things hard for you again.”

“You should live. Shouldn’t you live somehow and beg for forgiveness until my heart softens? If you just die as you please, what am I supposed to do with the aftermath...?”

Haerin’s voice was thick with tears as she wiped away her tears with one hand. Soohyun desperately held onto Haerin’s hand, which was trying to shake his off, and didn’t let go.

“Haerin-ah. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not going to come see you again.”

“Haerin-ah. Don’t go.”

At Haerin’s words, Soohyun hurriedly moved to grab her, but he groaned at the pain that felt like thousands of needles were falling onto his body. Then, his throat, which he had been barely holding back, also hurt, and he coughed violently, his whole body trembling.

After coughing for quite a while, his body shaking in pain, Haerin rushed to him and put her hand on him to help him sit up.

“Ah, don’t move. Please. You almost died. Do you know what a terrible state you were in when you got here? I really thought you were going to die.”

Listening to Haerin’s tearful, resentful words, Soohyun suddenly smiled faintly.

“...You said you didn’t care whether I lived or died.”

“What did you say?”

At Soohyun’s words, Haerin lowered the hand that had been wiping her eyes and looked at him with a bewildered expression.

Even he thought that appearing suddenly happy while looking like this would seem crazy. Still, Haerin’s words just made him feel good. He foolishly smiled, wondering if it meant she would care if he was about to die.

“If you come to see me, I’ll go back into the fire pit.”

“Ha. What did you say?”

Haerin looked at Soohyun with a dumbfounded expression, then hit him and cried.

“You idiot! Why are you doing this! Why!”

When Haerin heard that Soohyun was trapped in the burning house, she had instantly realized. A feeling greater than her hatred for him remained inside her.

She had resolved so firmly never to see him again, but all those resolutions were in vain.

The moment she thought that Soohyun might go to a place where she could never see him again, Haerin felt a loss greater than when she had lost her sibling. Soohyun existed within her more than she had thought.

Even her hatred for him was because she had loved him so much.

An inseparable being. Perhaps they had already become family.

In front of Soohyun, who said he would risk death if he could see her face, Haerin just cried.

She cried because he was so foolish, and she cried accepting her own helplessness at not being able to leave him.

Soohyun, who had been taking the punches from Haerin hitting him, grabbed her hand and said,

“Haerin-ah. I want to live for you and our child for the rest of my life. But I won’t ask you to take me back. Just show me your face sometimes, that’s enough.”

“What is that?”

“I survived with that one thought. Still, if I’m alive, I can at least listen to your resentful words. I’ll do that. Huh?”

Haerin couldn’t answer Soohyun’s words and just cried, her wrist held. Still, Soohyun continued to speak his mind.

He wondered if Haerin was still trying to push him away, but it didn’t matter.

If she pushed him away today, there was nothing he could do, but tomorrow he would express his feelings to her again and take another step closer.

When he walked out of those flames, Soohyun had resolved that if he survived, he would never keep any words to himself again. He had firmly decided that he would no longer harm himself just because she pushed him away.

“Haerin-ah. Don’t cry. Or I’ll do whatever you want. Huh? If you cry too much, the baby will be surprised. I’m worried.”

“...Who’s worried about whom right now.”

Haerin lowered the hand Soohyun was holding and looked at him, tears streaming down her face.

“I hate you, Sunbae. I hate you because I can’t hate you. I tried not to care whether you lived or died, but you wouldn’t even let me do that, so I hate you.”

“Hate me. I’ll accept it all. I can’t die leaving you behind, so I have to live, but I can’t live a single day without you. So you can hate me even more. Just let me stay by your side.”

Soohyun placed Haerin’s hand, which he was holding, over his heart.

“Haerin-ah. I love you. I regretted the most not telling you this. I love you, Haerin-ah.”

At Soohyun’s words, Haerin collapsed into his arms as if breaking down.

“I love you. It was always only you for me.”

“If those words are sincere, don’t ever do that again. And don’t even think about dying.”

“I won’t do that again. I will never make you shed tears again. I will bear all the sorrow in your life, I will take all the hatred, and I will shed all the tears. You just need to stay by my side.”

Haerin’s sobs, her face against Soohyun’s chest, didn’t stop. Soohyun raised his hand and gently stroked her back, just as she had done for him once.

“Haerin-ah. I love you.”

And he continued to convey his feelings until her tears subsided.

I love you, I love you so much.