#183: Holding a Candle (3)

After that, Qi Ying was considered to have fully succumbed to the Five-Stone Powder.

In truth, one didn’t necessarily become addicted after the first use. But Qi Ying knew that if he didn’t appear addicted, the emperor would never let him off easily. There were surely spies placed within his residence by the emperor, so he had to genuinely partake and become addicted in order to gain the emperor’s trust.

Day by day, year by year… five years passed, and he was now deeply mired in this quagmire.

Shen Xiling, however, was unaware of all these reasons. All she saw was what unfolded before her eyes today—she saw that Qi Ying had fallen prey to the deadly Five-Stone Powder and witnessed how his body had deteriorated into its current state. She loved him so deeply; how could she not be heartbroken at the sight?

She found everything about this situation utterly absurd.

She still remembered the tea gathering hosted by Lady Zhong, where the noblewomen of Wei had discussed why Qi Ying hadn’t participated in a polo match as promised. At the time, someone had remarked that people from Jiangzuo were fond of consuming the Five-Stone Powder, suggesting that Lord Qi might have injured his health because of it and thus avoided the match. How indignant Shen Xiling had felt upon hearing those words? She knew well the upright ethos of the Qi family and understood how virtuous and noble the man she adored was—he would never touch such a thing!

But how could she have imagined… that he actually…

Shen Xiling’s heart ached intensely, and she was also extremely panicked.

She repeatedly questioned him, demanding to know why he had started using the substance, but Qi Ying only responded with silence.

Endless silence.

This makeshift confinement in the remote mountains was exceedingly simple. Even the candlelight in the room wasn’t bright enough, making his face appear even more somber. Under the dim light, Shen Xiling could only see the faint weariness in his lowered gaze and his rigid, cold demeanor.

“This matter has nothing to do with you,” he said. “Leave.”

Here it was again.

Here it was again.

He wanted her to leave once more.

It had always been like this since the past. Whenever danger or trouble arose, his first thought was to send her away immediately, feigning an air of indifference and callousness, while his true purpose was always to protect her. For instance, when he rejected her feelings during her coming-of-age ceremony, or when he personally sent her off to marry far away.

She understood him too well. This man always kept all the dangers and hardships for himself, pushing her far away.

But he would never understand that the path she wished to take was never the safe one—it was simply the one where he existed.

By then, Shen Xiling’s tears had long since overflowed. Beneath the dim and flickering candlelight, she looked at him, overwhelmed by sorrow and fear. Unable to bear it, she suddenly threw herself into his arms, holding him tightly, so tightly!

This was an embrace separated by five long years.

During those five years, she had fantasized about hugging him almost every day. Even earlier that day, she had wanted to lean into his embrace. She had thought that the touch of their reunion would fill her with joy, but instead, it made her feel even more bitter.

He seemed unprepared for her sudden rush into his arms and was momentarily stunned. Then, without hesitation, he reached out to push her away firmly.

“My lord,” Shen Xiling clung to him even tighter, her voice breaking, “…I’m scared.”

What is time?

It is the most powerful and merciless force in the world, capable of effortlessly transforming everything beyond recognition.

Shen Xiling had changed too. In ways invisible to many, she had grown indifferent and selfish, even manipulating power and schemes.

She could so naturally manipulate others, so resolutely plot and strategize, and so cold-heartedly threaten Gu Juhán. She had become someone unfamiliar even to herself.

...But the moment she returned to Qi Ying’s presence, she reverted back to the little girl who had collapsed in the snow ten years ago.

Sensitive, fragile, slightly timid.

And… deeply attached to him.

My lord… I’m scared.

I’m not afraid of the perils of this world. I’m not afraid of the cruelty of those demons. I’m not even afraid of the treacherous traps you find yourself in.

I can face all of that. I can share your burdens.

I’m just afraid… that this time, your wounds are too deep.

I’m afraid I’ll truly lose you.

The trembling in her voice was so evident, and her attachment to him felt almost tangible. In that instant, Qi Ying was transported back to those days gone by.

Back then, she wasn’t someone else’s wife. Back then, he could care for and cherish her without reservation.

Back then, he hadn’t yet touched those deadly substances.

Back then, they still had a future together.

Back then…

A single embrace, a simple sentence from her, and he couldn’t help but drift back to the past. It was as though they had both returned to five years ago, unchanged, still loving each other as they once did.

Shen Xiling noticed that he was no longer pushing her away.

Naturally, she felt joy at this, but her pain at the moment was so overwhelming that it overshadowed any happiness. She only clung closer to him, feeling his warmth, his heartbeat, and the faint fragrance of sweet flag on him.

Everything was so familiar to her.

At that moment, Shen Xiling suddenly understood what it meant to have a hometown.

Her hometown wasn’t in Langya, nor in Jiankang, and not even in Fenghe Garden.

…It was him.

So… you are my hometown.

She quietly held him. He didn’t speak or embrace her back, but he didn’t push her away either. Thus, they enjoyed a rare moment of peaceful closeness.

As if time had reversed.

Later, he finally spoke.

He reached out and gently stroked her hair, just as tenderly as he used to when she was a child. This familiarity made Shen Xiling feel even more overwhelmed, causing her tears to flow endlessly.

He gently patted her back, as if aware of the immense injustice she had endured. He knew she was easy to console—she had never been greedy. All she needed was for him to be by her side; there was no need for comforting words.

She was such a contentedly simple person.

Yet they were still destined to part.

Qi Ying held her lightly in his arms, allowing her tears to soak through his clothes, leaving behind scorching yet icy imprints over his heart. At the same time, he calmly told her, “Wenwen, go.”

Finally, he called her Wenwen.

No longer like at the tea gathering, where he had coldly and cruelly addressed her as “Lady of Yan Guogong.”

Nor like earlier that day, when he had spoken stiffly without any endearment.

Yes, she wasn’t someone else.

She was his Wenwen.

But that name felt like a sweet deception. His true intention was still to make her leave.

Shen Xiling’s heart shattered into pieces.

She remained silent for a long while before finally pulling away slightly from his embrace and tilting her face up to look at him. Her once beautiful eyes were now red and swollen from crying, disheveled and pitiful.

Yet she was still so beautiful, perhaps even more so because of it.

She asked him, “Go? Where to?”

He looked down at her and replied, “To a safe place.”

The fires of hell burn beneath my feet, and I cannot bear to see you consumed by them alongside me.

So go, find a safe haven, and let others protect you.

I can no longer do so.

Shen Xiling smiled faintly, an expression so delicate it was breathtaking.

“Where is a safe place?” she countered. “Is it by the general’s side?”

Her gaze was clear as she confirmed with him, “Do you want me to go to him?”

The candlelight flickered, deepening Qi Ying’s somber expression.

He didn’t speak, but his silence was acquiescence.

Shen Xiling smiled again, this time even fainter, her gaze shifting elsewhere, distant.

She said, “Master, do you know what I did while you were unconscious?”

Qi Ying furrowed his brows, contemplating for a moment before glancing outside the window.

The night had grown deep, indicating it was already late… far exceeding the three hours Gu Juhán had mentioned to her during the day.

A foreboding feeling suddenly welled up within him.

And Shen Xiling immediately confirmed everything.

Her demeanor was indifferent as she stated, “I wrote a letter of divorce for the general, went down the mountain to deliver it to him, and told him that I will not leave here anymore.”

When speaking of these events, her expression and tone changed, becoming something unfamiliar to Qi Ying.

This was the growth she had experienced over the past five years.

She was decisive, resolute, calm, and determined, capable of making all decisions herself and arranging everything perfectly.

“The general told me that if I persisted, perhaps he wouldn’t be able to guarantee my safety,” she added before Qi Ying could say anything, her tone still very light. “I told him that regardless of the cost, even if I die, I will stay here.”

Look how capable she was.

She could even shoulder all consequences by herself.

And the more resolute and calm she appeared, the more turbulent his emotions became. He was even provoked to cough, his complexion growing even paler.

He reprimanded her, “Nonsense!”

His appearance was extremely stern and cold, momentarily reminding Shen Xiling of the snowy night ten years ago when she first met him in Wangshi. Back then, when she asked him about the whereabouts of her father’s body, he had stared at her with such coldness, frightening her for a long time as a child.

But now, she was no longer afraid of him.

She only loved him deeply and wished for his safety.

“I’m not being foolish,” she gazed at him with both gentleness and stubbornness. “I just want to make up for my regrets from back then.”

Qi Ying’s brows furrowed even tighter.

“Back then, I couldn’t help you and had to leave,” her gaze was firm. “But now it’s different. I won’t be a burden to you; instead, I can protect you. So I will not leave again.”

She didn’t shy away from his gaze.

“To live, I am happy; to die, I am willing.”

She was so resolute, her eyes holding a quietly burning flame, appearing silent yet blazing hot.

Just like her feelings for him.

And this was exactly what Qi Ying didn’t want to see.

How much effort and sacrifice had he put into sending her to safety? How could he possibly allow her to so easily return to danger?

His anger flared, and he coughed incessantly. Shen Xiling, worried and fearful, tried to pat his back, but he pushed her hand away, his expression colder than ever. He told her, “Go back to him. Let him keep you. I’ll also find a way for you. You must not…”

“It’s impossible,” Shen Xiling interrupted him firmly, unwavering in her resolve. “I will not go anywhere except by your side.”

Qi Ying’s coughing intensified.

The depth of his coughs worried her even more. The commotion alerted Qingzhu outside the room, who anxiously knocked on the door, asking if his master needed assistance.

Qi Ying’s voice was broken by coughs, but he still managed to call Qingzhu in. Rushing inside, Qingzhu saw his master’s pale face and grew equally anxious, saying he would prepare medicine and asking him to wait a little longer.

But Qi Ying stopped him, pointing at Shen Xiling and saying between coughs, “Take her… take her down the mountain…”

Hearing that he still insisted on sending her away despite his condition made Shen Xiling’s heart ache fiercely. She wanted to argue with him, but seeing him cough so violently filled her with worry, distracting her from saying anything else. She focused on helping him catch his breath and urging Qingzhu to prepare the medicine.

Yet he remained insistent, pushing her hands away while coughing and pointing towards the door.

He wanted her to leave.

Even in his weakened state, he hadn’t forgotten to send her away.

This man…

Shen Xiling dared not argue further, fearing only that his condition would worsen.

She nodded tearfully, saying, “Alright, alright, I’ll go, I’ll go… Don’t rush, don’t get upset…”

His coughing continued, but those phoenix-like eyes still tightly watched her, his hand still pointing towards the door.

He was banishing her.

And saving her.

Qingzhu averted his gaze, unable to bear watching.

The candlelight swayed in the room, casting their shadows long and wavering.

Like their fates.

Like their parting.