Chapter 18: You, Close Your Eyes

Jiang Beibei had a little habit: eating ice cream and drinking cold drinks on snowy days.

Whenever snow fell, her brain would be taken over by signals craving sweets.

Not long after entering the amusement park, Jiang Beibei found herself unable to walk any further. Her eyes flew to a nearby little shop, staring longingly at the ice cream freezer like Song Damiao eyeing dog food.

Chu Yao couldn’t pull her away and turned his head to look at her expression. He asked, “Want some?”

Though it was a question, Chu Yao had already put his hand into his pocket and turned his foot toward the shop—his reaction clearly showing he was going to buy it for her.

Jiang Beibei nodded and quickly whispered, “Thank you, Yao-ge.”

Chu Yao walked toward the shop, while Jiang Beibei, acting like a shy little pervert, only dared to stare at him straight on after he walked away a bit—watching his straight back, his pleasing waistline, the simple yet heart-racing black and white outfit, and savoring his strangely calming aura.

A high mountain flower, an ice-cold face, a beauty from the clouds—admired from afar but untouchable. Heh heh, untouchable… sounds spicy… Jiang Beibei suddenly banged her hands on her head, shook it, and hurriedly pulled back her drifting thoughts, tucking away her slightly creepy expression.

Chu Yao bought an extra red balloon and tied it around Jiang Beibei’s wrist.

His movements were gentle, his slender and graceful fingers looping and knotting the string, and at the end, he gave the balloon a little tug to check if it was secure.

Jiang Beibei spun around, and the balloon floated in a circle with her. Chu Yao just watched, smiling in his eyes.

Jiang Beibei took a bite of the ice cream and let it melt on her tongue. The cold sensation numbed her taste buds, and she puckered her mouth, then looked up and smiled at Chu Yao: “Yao-ge.”

“Hm.”

“Am I childish?”

“I don’t think so.”

Jiang Beibei said, “Yao-ge, do you want to ride the Ferris wheel?”

He replied, “Whatever you want to play.”

Jiang Beibei thought how magical it was. Even though every time she was alone with Chu Yao she got nervous, lost her words, babbled nonsense, rehearsed everything in her head only to forget when it was time to speak—although always awkward, the memories still felt sweet.

That sweet awkwardness made her smile involuntarily, and all the little “citizens” in her heart cheered happily that she could talk with Chu Yao and be alone with him.

Sometimes, Jiang Beibei thought, as the ruler of the little drama inside her, she should be stronger, to bless her kingdom and its citizens, and to muster up the courage to “press the queen back” again.

Jiang Beibei secretly observed the “queen” she had chosen in front of her. The queen was like a refined young lady, keeping a polite distance—not too close, not too far—standing beside her, smiling like a caretaker watching over a child.

Jiang Beibei shivered slightly, coughed a few times, and the cold sensation on her tongue faded as it warmed up.

“Can’t eat anymore?” Chu Yao asked.

Jiang Beibei nodded and raised the half-eaten ice cream, offering it to him.

He naturally took it, finished it in three bites.

Maybe it was too cold—he frowned, closed his eyes, covered his mouth with his hand, and tilted his head back.

Jiang Beibei watched him swallow the last bite, the Adam’s apple moving slightly. She instinctively grabbed her own clothes’ hem, her gaze fixed and greedy yet careful.

“All good now.” Indeed, it was too cold. He immediately went silent for a moment, then reached out to grab Jiang Beibei’s hand—through her woolen glove.

Jiang Beibei hesitated about her gloves again.

Now she deeply regretted not taking the gloves off earlier, but then thought if she had, Chu Yao definitely wouldn’t have so easily held her hand like this.

It had been a long time since Chu Yao had held her hand. The most recent time she could remember was back in middle school—winter of second year, Chu Yao came back for the winter break to pick her up after self-study. Because it was snowy and the roads were icy and the street lamps were out, he held her hand as they walked home.

When they were little, he always held her hand.

Those years, she learned to dance at the cultural center, and it was always the Chu family helping with pick-up and drop-off. If Chu Dad didn’t come, it was Chu Yao—one hand holding hers, the other carrying the bag with clothes and shoes, and the drawing folder on his back, strolling slowly with her on the tree-lined path.

She loved autumn the most. When the ground was covered with fallen leaves, she would step on the leaves, hopping behind him, listening to the crisp sounds. She never worried about falling because Chu Yao held her hand, guided her, watched the road, and took care of her.

But growing up meant that couldn’t happen anymore.

She couldn’t call him “brother” anymore either. She had no reason to ask him to be that close to her like before.

She had to keep a distance, keep polite—and Chu Yao needed to as well.

Jiang Beibei looked at his hand holding hers and suddenly quickened her pace. Inside the glove, her fingers slowly closed and gripped his hand.

She quietly observed his expression. Chu Yao suddenly stopped, turned around, and his black eyes quietly looked at her.

Jiang Beibei got nervous again and slowly loosened her fingers.

“...Beibei.”

“Ah?” she replied nervously.

He raised his hand, pointing behind her with a faint smile: “Just passed by—your favorite.”

“Eh?”

Jiang Beibei turned her head following his finger and saw a clumsy, adorable big bear mascot slowly walking by, greeting and acting cute, surrounded by many kids taking photos.

This was her favorite cartoon character. She had many at home, all gifts from aunties, uncles, or older brothers, kept on her bed and in cabinets.

The only memory she could recall was once going to the amusement park with her parents and taking a photo with this smiling cartoon bear. Her dad had even bought her a bear dressed as a police officer.

That memory already felt distant.

Time is like this—like a dream emerging from memories. She was no longer the little girl clutching a teddy bear. Those who cared about her remained unchanged, but she had stood here, grown up for many years.

She was no longer an innocent, carefree child. Some feelings had changed—changed in ways she couldn’t explain or put into words. Every day, they left her heart confused and lost, with nowhere to rely on.

Jiang Beibei lowered her eyes and softly said, “Yao-ge, in your eyes... have I grown up?”

Chu Yao didn’t answer. He saw the expression on Jiang Beibei’s face—the sadness that tugged painfully at his heart.

“Yao-ge.” She pulled her hand away from Chu Yao’s, looked up at him, and said, “I’ve always wanted to understand how people distinguish changes in feelings, what’s acceptable and what’s not... but I never get an answer.”

Chu Yao’s voice was a bit hoarse as he quietly asked, “You... want to understand, what kind of feelings?”

“I like you, Yao-ge,” Jiang Beibei said. “I can tell that the way I like you is different from how I like others. But... I can’t be sure if this different kind of liking is love.”

So... I can’t say it out loud. Even if I say it now—say I love Chu Yao—it wouldn’t carry any weight.

“I’m always afraid that in your eyes, I’m still a child. You take care of me, care about me, just like before, but I have different feelings for you... I’m scared... scared that if I say it’s different, we won’t be able to be like this.”

Jiang Beibei said, “But... whenever I think about you seeing me as a grown woman, I get scared too... scared that you’ll distance yourself from me, scared you won’t like me, scared I’ll lose the right to be your little sister and no longer get your care.”

“Yao-ge, am I being too dramatic and selfish? Look, I don’t want to lose anything, but I want something new too. I want to like you, but I don’t want to lose you. I’m greedy for too much, unwilling to pay the price...”

Even she didn’t know what she meant when she said those words—why, at this moment, she had the urge to say such things.

The selfish Jiang Beibei, the real Jiang Beibei, laid out all her thoughts bare to him, showed him openly what she wanted, without disguise or embellishment.

“I want you to see me as a woman, but I also want you not to lessen your care for me. If that can’t be, then I want you to forget today and still treat me like your little sister.”

Jiang Beibei drooped the corners of her mouth and sighed sadly, “Yao-ge, am I too greedy?”

This was the face of my greed—selfish, wanting his care, his gentleness.

Chu Yao quietly listened, expressionless.

Jiang Beibei took a step back, wanting to escape.

See, always speaking without thinking, saying what comes to mind. After saying it, wanting to regret, deny, and avoid.

Chu Yao stepped forward, slowly hugged Jiang Beibei, wrapped her in his arms, and softly said above her head, “Beibei... I’m the same. Just like you.”

Jiang Beibei was stunned, eyes suddenly wide.

She heard Chu Yao sigh above her, his low voice slowly saying, “I’m the same kind of person... hesitating, wandering, using ‘not ready’ and ‘not wanting to trouble you’ as reasons, always waiting to step back...”

“It’s my fault.” He let go of her and looked at the shocked Jiang Beibei.

“There’s something I should say.” Chu Yao parted his lips slightly; Jiang Beibei even heard him inhale. Her whole body trembled as she opened her eyes wide, nervously waiting—like awaiting judgment. Though she already knew the answer, knew which way the scales would tip, she was still extremely nervous.

Chu Yao lowered his eyes to her, his black eyes suppressing the overwhelming emotions inside.

“Jiang Beibei, I’m ready. I will try to love you with feelings different from before—only increasing, never decreasing.” His eyes held a faint smile as he said softly and deeply, “I will be your brother and also your lover. Beibei... will you accept that?”

The old roles wouldn’t change—like a brother, like a father, unchanging, purely caring for her. But the new role would be as a partner, a lover. He would try to add deeper, more meaningful feelings to love her, as he said—only increasing, never decreasing.

No need to fear losing the emotional bonds they had before.

Jiang Beibei was stunned for a long time, then suddenly broke free and ran away quickly. Chu Yao slowly lowered his hand and closed his eyes with a bitter smile.

So, was it him... who misunderstood?

But not long after, Jiang Beibei rushed back into his arms, hurriedly saying, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

After saying that, she ran off again.

She ran far away, turned down a path where Chu Yao couldn’t see, stomping her feet and shouting loudly amidst the puzzled looks of passersby.

“—Ahhh! I’m dying!! Help!!”

Trembling, she pulled out her phone, then shoved it back into her pocket and quickly ran back.

Chu Yao was still standing there, at the end of the path, like her pillar, watching her.

Snowflakes quietly fell, sparkling under the light, each piece crystal clear and glittering golden.

The red balloon floated back again. Jiang Beibei said, “So what exactly do you mean? Let’s confirm again, okay?!”

Chu Yao tilted his head slightly, looking at her with some confusion.

He didn’t know what she had gone to do or how she would respond.

Now it was his turn to be nervous.

Jiang Beibei said, “So, you mean I can like you, and you accept it, right?!”

Chu Yao listened carefully and nodded slightly.

That’s one way to put it.

But he clearly wanted to say much more than that.

Jiang Beibei: “I have a request.”

“...Okay, say it.”

“Can I kiss you again?” Jiang Beibei tiptoed, moved closer, and Chu Yao’s dark eyes stared at her without blinking.

Jiang Beibei’s tongue got tied; she didn’t dare kiss him for a long moment.

Finally, frustrated, she put her hand up and covered Chu Yao’s eyes: “...You close your eyes!”

“Beibei...” So, her answer is...

Soft lips nervously pecked quickly at the edge.

“Yao-ge, does this count as a successful confession?” Jiang Beibei said.

Her palm itched; Chu Yao blinked, maybe confused by her expression.

Chu Yao thought: Wait, wasn’t I the one confessing just now?