Chapter 41: Without Love

Shang Zhitao couldn’t understand why she had gotten into Luan Nian’s car again. She was clearly standing there waiting for the bus, but the bus hadn’t come. She saw Luan Nian’s car drive over, and the last shred of her self-respect made her turn her face away, pretending not to see him.

But Luan Nian stopped the car in front of her and said, “Get in.”

“Thank you, I’m waiting for the bus.” Shang Zhitao didn’t speak again and didn’t look at him. The grievances in her heart had nowhere to be expressed, so they were hidden deep inside, not intense but not unnoticed either. She somewhat hoped Luan Nian could say a few gentle words, like ‘You work hard, I can see it,’ or ‘To err is human; to forgive, divine? It’s okay to make mistakes, I can cover for you.’ Just a few words like that, like he said to Kitty. Shang Zhitao didn’t know why she was comparing herself to Kitty; all her unhappiness stemmed from comparison.

Luan Nian didn’t speak either, just looked at her. This kind of stalemate between a man and a woman depended on who was weaker. Shang Zhitao couldn’t bear his scrutiny. Even though she turned her body away, she could still feel Luan Nian’s rather cold gaze enveloping her tightly.

A young girl hadn’t experienced this kind of mental contest with anyone before. Gradually, she became weaker and finally lost completely, confusedly getting into Luan Nian’s car.

“Where to?” Luan Nian asked her, seemingly giving her the decision, but in reality, both of them knew the answer perfectly well. Shang Zhitao could only go to his place. Luan Nian understood her better than she understood herself.

Shang Zhitao argued with him, ignored him, and avoided him, appearing to have integrity and stubbornness. But deep down, she knew very well: Shang Zhitao liked Luan Nian. Luan Nian could see it.

This visible affection intrigued Luan Nian. He was often liked, but Shang Zhitao’s sacrificial love was new to him. As he drove, he thought that he was actually despicable. He was the one who first felt desire for Shang Zhitao and then wove a net to trap her. Sometimes, looking at Shang Zhitao’s clumsy attempts to conceal her feelings, he even felt like he would be punished.

He parked the car in the underground garage but didn’t get out immediately. Instead, he said to Shang Zhitao, “Flora, let’s talk.”

Shang Zhitao turned her head to look at him, the light in her eyes very warm.

“First of all, our relationship is that of sexual partners, not lovers. Do you agree?” Luan Nian wanted to make things clear once and for all so that they wouldn’t have to bother defining their relationship anymore. Sex was sex, and love was love, clearly separated.

Shang Zhitao turned her face back to look out the car window, her mind blank for a moment. After a few seconds, she said, “Yes, I agree.”

“So, we don’t need to restrain each other. If either of us wants to be in a relationship or wants to have a relationship with someone else, we should be honest about it and then end our relationship. Do you agree?”

Shang Zhitao finally understood what a sexual partner was. So that’s how it was: solving each other’s needs without affecting the possibility of meeting someone else. It was truly freedom. She nodded, “I agree.”

“Then, can’t we tell anyone about our relationship, including family, friends, and colleagues?” Shang Zhitao asked him.

“I think so. Do you think so too?”

How indecisive Shang Zhitao was. She had seen too little of society and the world. She didn’t know if all girls would encounter such a thing. She clearly rejected Luan Nian in her heart, but her head nodded. She saw Luan Nian smile. Luan Nian’s smile was very attractive. He didn’t smile often, but when he did, it could make people fall deeply.

Later, as her train pulled away from Beijing, the wheels grinding against the tracks with a dull sound, her heart felt like it had been run over once. She suddenly remembered Luan Nian’s smile that night. It was clearly a smile mocking her for being a fool.

“Luke, I’m hungry. Can you make me something to eat?” She couldn’t change her habit of using polite forms of address with Luan Nian. She always felt a sense of reverence for him in her heart. Shang Zhitao ended the topic. She felt there was nothing to discuss. It was originally a game of incomplete chess with a clear outcome. Any move he made would be checkmate for her.

“Okay.” Luan Nian got out of the car and opened the door for her.

She liked watching Luan Nian cook. She waited obediently, watching Luan Nian roll up his sleeves to make her spaghetti and pan-fried steak. That cold and aloof man seemed to have descended from his pedestal. Shang Zhitao found this scene extremely seductive. She walked forward and tugged at the corner of his shirt with her fingertips.

“Luke, I don’t want to eat anymore.”

“Hmm?”

Luan Nian turned his head to look at her. Shang Zhitao stood on tiptoe and pressed her lips against his jaw, a fleeting touch. She raised her eyes to look at him, “Make something else.”

Luan Nian’s voice was a little hoarse, “Like what?”

Shang Zhitao didn’t speak, pulling on his collar to make him lower his head, and bit his chin, “Like this.”

Shang Zhitao wasn’t such an open person before. When she was with Xin Zhaozhou, she was always shy. But in front of Luan Nian, she was so uninhibited. Her body followed her will, doing whatever she thought of. Her mind was shouting: Anyway, we don’t love each other.

If there was no love, then there was only sex.

Shang Zhitao thought clearly and thoroughly. Since there was only sex, she might as well enjoy it. This novel experience showed her another side of the world. On the other side of the world, everything wasn’t as bright as imagined, but it wasn’t so dark either. It was just that reality was bloody and not so beautiful.

Shang Zhitao leaned on the sofa. In a sudden upward glance, she saw a few lonely streaks of snow outside, and said intermittently, “It’s snowing.” It was the first snow of winter in Beijing that year. It didn’t snow much in Beijing in those years, and that thin layer of snow that day was so precious.

“Want to appreciate the snow?” Luan Nian asked her.

“Okay.”

He carried her to the window. The dim yellow light in the small courtyard, the faint snow and desolation, the cold glass pressed against her burning skin, arousing a layer of fine goosebumps. She whimpered and snuggled into his arms, “Cold...” It was that kind of sound again, all her strength gone, letting him do whatever he wanted.

How much does a child who grew up in an ice city like snow? Shang Zhitao refused to go upstairs, wrapped in a quilt, sitting there watching the snow. Luan Nian didn’t go upstairs either, sitting on the sofa flipping through a book. He had a rare sense of satisfaction, the戾气 in his heart lessened a bit, and looking at Shang Zhitao, he felt that she was actually a pleasing girl.

Wasn’t she? A woman who had just experienced a bout of passionate lovemaking was now leaning there quietly, a few traces of rosy blush still remaining on her cheeks, seriously appreciating the snow. She looked particularly pleasing to the eye.

Luan Nian had no other demands. This was good enough.

At four in the morning, Shang Zhitao finally couldn’t hold on anymore and went upstairs to that guest room. Although it was only the third time she had slept there, it felt very familiar. She said goodnight to Luan Nian, closed the door, climbed into bed, and turned off the night light. Darkness arrived as scheduled. The girl from the north smelled the scent of snow outside and slept particularly soundly.

She had put all her worries down. In fact, she didn’t have many worries. Her worries a few days ago were just about competing with Luan Nian. The next day, when she opened her eyes and remembered what Luan Nian had said to her the night before, their relationship was clear and unambiguous, and there was no need for further explanation.

She got up and dressed. Luan Nian hadn’t gotten up yet. She quietly brushed her teeth and washed her face, and then left Luan Nian’s house. The villa area was not small, and it took her more than ten minutes to walk to the gate each time. Strangely, the security guard already recognized her and even nodded at her. But his gaze was strange, and it was hard to tell whether it was contempt or sympathy. Shang Zhitao didn’t have the mind to ponder these things. Her thirst for knowledge made her want to go home early. Sun Yuanzhu said he would explain the logic of data analysis to her.

Shang Zhitao wanted to become better. She hadn’t thought about exactly how much better, but she hoped she could improve a little every day. In her imagination, in a few years, she would become very strong, and then she could have an equal conversation with Luan Nian.

When she entered the door, Sun Yuanzhu was already awake. Seeing Shang Zhitao, he smiled at her, “You’re back?”

Shang Zhitao nodded.

In fact, in a city like Beijing, there are many things you don’t need to explain in detail. A girl who hasn’t returned all night, with evidence of the previous night still on her skin, makes everything obvious at this point. Asking any more questions is superfluous. Sun Yuanzhu wasn’t stupid.

But he didn’t misunderstand Shang Zhitao because of this. He thought Shang Zhitao had fallen into love, a love that didn’t make her very happy.

“Sleep a little longer. I’ll work overtime, and explain it to you in the afternoon, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.” Shang Zhitao returned to the bedroom, really climbed into bed, and slept for a while longer.

Her relationship with Luan Nian was only on Friday nights. This actually suited Shang Zhitao’s wishes. She had originally scheduled her weekends for studying, so this really didn’t delay anything.

Sun Yuanzhu was a very good teacher.

He even brought his own blackboard, placed it in front of the dining table, and stood there like a young man from another time. How could someone be so pure? Sun Yu sat next to Shang Zhitao and sent her a message: “Shang Zhitao, why is Sun Yuanzhu so pure?”

Shang Zhitao didn’t know why either. Sun Yuanzhu was just that kind of person, a twenty-six-year-old with the pure air of a young man. In Shang Zhitao’s heart, Sun Yuanzhu was untouched by the dust of the world. Always had been.

“Shang Zhitao, I’m fickle. It’s only been two or three months since I broke up, but I’m in love with Sun Yuanzhu now,” Sun Yu said to her again.

Shang Zhitao exclaimed “Wow” and looked up from her phone. Sun Yuanzhu stopped lecturing and asked seriously, “Is there a problem, classmate?”

Shang Zhitao shook her head and looked at Sun Yu, “Teacher, I don’t have a problem, she does.”

Sun Yu blushed rarely, “I don’t either. Why don’t you explain it again from the beginning, teacher? I didn’t understand a single word from the start.” Sun Yu was so smart, someone who could mentally calculate rebates and payments, yet she said she didn’t understand. She simply wanted to hear Sun Yuanzhu say a few more words.

Sun Yuanzhu was truly patient, patiently clumsy, “Then I’ll explain it again.”

“Should I leave?” Shang Zhitao secretly messaged Sun Yu.

“Don’t.” Sun Yu replied, “I just said it casually. I don’t have the courage.”

“You don’t have the courage?” Shang Zhitao was a little surprised. You are the fearless Sun Yu, how could you not have courage?

“I don’t.”

He’s too good. Sun Yu said in her heart.

Sun Yu was telling the truth. A warm and pure boy like Sun Yuanzhu could only be admired from afar. Even if other girls wanted to get close to him, Sun Yu would have the urge to protect him.

Shang Zhitao studied very seriously. She could listen to such top-notch data analysis lessons for free, personally taught by outstanding student representatives from top domestic universities. Others didn’t have such luck; she did.

She looked at Sun Yuanzhu, then at Sun Yu, her gaze gentle and carrying a story.