FBS - 9

My life didn’t change much just because my stepfather had gone on an expedition.

The only difference was that the pleasure-filled nights were now free. My actions, including going out, were still controlled.

Barque was so thorough that he had set up people to take his place even while he was away. First, I had to inform the butler of my destination, and even if I went out, a knight from the Count’s estate would follow me. In the end, it was clear that wherever I went, it would all reach my stepfather’s ears.

For now, he was away on an expedition, so I might be able to hide the truth…… but when he returned, it would eventually come to light. Whenever his low voice saying, “Don’t do anything foolish,” echoed in my ears, my will would hide as if trying to disappear into a corner. It was as good as a semi-forced house arrest.

I had believed that peace would come to this mansion if my stepfather disappeared and only my mother and I remained, but it wasn’t quite like that. The relationship between my mother and me was showing a slightly different aspect than before. I was busy avoiding her, no longer able to hold my head up straight in front of her.

The suspicion that perhaps my mother knew everything but was pretending not to, out of love for me, was gnawing at me and causing me pain. Every time I closed my eyes, her pale yet beautiful face would float before me.

Even without my stepfather by my side, my guilt continued like an extension of him. Now, it was too late to back out; the swamp that man had pulled me into had left an indelible mark on my heels. Every one of my actions left a black, sticky mud stain.

However, it wasn’t as if I avoided even the occasions when I absolutely had to meet her, such as mealtimes. At those times, my mother didn’t say much, and neither did I. We, who had always been busy exchanging lively stories whenever we met, were now as desolate as lovers in a rut.

A guest suddenly arrived, threatening to break the subtle atmosphere of the Count’s estate.

These days, I had been sleeping more and more, and I woke up from an afternoon nap to the call of a maid.

“Young miss. Please wake up. Marquis Beaufort has come to see you.”

It was none other than my grandfather.

Even though I hadn’t washed my face, I felt a jolt of alertness as if I had been splashed with ice water.

“He’s looking for you, young miss.”

At the maid’s message, I got ready in an almost half-conscious state.

I had no idea why my grandfather, who was no different from a tyrant to me, had come all the way here. More than anything, the fact that he was the one “looking for me” tightened my chest.

I couldn’t calm my trembling heart, as if I knew very well the sin I had committed. Could it be that he had found out about the inappropriate relationship between me and my stepfather? Still, since my mother’s marriage had to be maintained, was it possible that he had come to oppress me in the brief time my stepfather was away? I was deeply afraid.

The weather was bright and sunny, but the guest who had come to me was like a dark cloud itself, ready to pour down the rain of pain into my heart at any moment. Following the maid, I couldn’t control my heart, which was pounding as if it would burst out of my chest. The heartbeat, different from when I was with Barque, clearly revealed a stark fear.

Along the bare, dry giant trees that marked the beginning of winter, a luxurious wooden cane came into view. As I took it in, I felt a churning in my stomach, and I repeatedly swallowed dry saliva.

“Marquis. I have brought the young miss.”

The maid stepped back, and a chilling winter wind filled the garden where only the two of us remained. It was a cold wind that reminded me of my grandfather’s consistent coldness towards me.

Tap, tap. The sound of the cane hitting the ground made my head throb as if I had been struck.

“It’s been a while.”

His white hair was streaked with gray, and wrinkles lined his face, but my grandfather’s gaze was still fierce. Those eyes, endlessly gentle when turned towards my mother, were sharp enough to remind me of a well-honed blade when they turned to me. I was clearly my mother’s bloodline, but I had never once received a warm welcome from my grandfather.

“Yes.”

“Let’s take a walk for a bit.”

Only then did I realize that he had called for me alone, without my mother.

I was a little flustered as I had come out in simple attire, thinking the meeting wouldn’t last long. When I stayed at the Marquis’s estate, my grandfather had never spent more than five minutes in the same space as me. He always strode out, leaving me alone. His cold attitude had sometimes made me doubt my very identity as his granddaughter.

So, the fact that he was the one urging me to take a walk first left me dumbfounded. Nevertheless, I had no reason to refuse, so I followed without a word.

A cold wind occasionally blew through the garden. The cold, like icy scales, pricked my skin, and I occasionally rubbed my arms, but my grandfather didn’t pay any attention. He probably wouldn’t even bat an eye if my lips turned blue and I collapsed right then and there.

“Count Estellan left for an expedition a few days ago, didn’t he?”

When he suddenly spoke, I felt an intense tension that made me forget the cold for a moment. The conversation starting with my stepfather was a bad sign for me.

Barely regaining my composure, I replied calmly, “Yes, three days ago.”

“I see. What do you think of the two of them?”

“……Excuse me?”

“Shillian and Count Estellan, I mean.”

Fortunately, my grandfather was asking about him and my mother, not about my stepfather and me. Fortunately. ……Truly fortunately.

My stomach churned. I clenched my fist, feeling like I was about to vomit again.

“They just…… seem alright.”

“Tell me in more detail. What does their relationship look like? Do they seem harmonious? When do you think they’ll have an heir?”

Only then did I realize why my grandfather had specifically called for me. It was to observe the atmosphere of the newly married couple.

My grandfather spewed out many questions at once, as if he had been forced to endure until now due to his dignity. The questions about my mother were filled with affection for her. It was a passionate concern he had never shown me.

His coldness towards me was something I had always experienced, so I wasn’t particularly hurt by it. More than that, I inadvertently bit my lower lip at the word “heir.”

A more nauseating feeling than when Ergel mentioned a sibling surged up. It was because Ergel was a complete stranger, but my grandfather wasn’t. I dug my fingernails into my palm, deliberately causing pain. Thanks to that, I swallowed down the rising nausea again and again.

“I don’t really know about that. Their relationship…… seems good.”

At least, the relationship between the two of them wasn’t bad. However, the problem was that there was no love between them that should exist in a marriage. Barque had directed his love towards me in an abnormal way, and my mother…… I didn’t know about my mother.

What on earth did she think of my stepfather?

At my fragmented yet positive answer, my grandfather’s face immediately brightened. With a look as if he was greatly relieved, he quickened his pace. It was quite a trouble to come all the way here just to ask that, but I thought it was plausible for a grandfather who had been worried about his daughter’s marriage from the beginning.

“I was very worried because he was an uneducated commoner, but it seems they’re getting along relatively smoothly. Hmph, there are countless better men than that fellow. Why did Shillian have to choose such a knight? The gold land I offered His Majesty to secure his title is regrettable no matter how many times I think about it.”

The voice that criticized Barque, who was now my stepfather, was quite sincere. Even though they had already gone through the marriage ceremony, my grandfather was still displeased with the disparity between the two.

It had been quite surprising to me that my grandfather had given Barque a title to make my mother’s marriage happen. There was only one reason why he had gone to such lengths to ensure her marriage.

My greedy grandfather’s goal was to expand his own influence in the capital. Given the characteristic of the nobility, whose numbers were far fewer compared to commoners, it was a natural consequence that as his power grew, the territory he occupied in this world would also expand.

That power was, in a way, the same as the number of heads. In a society where the passage of proposed issues in the Grand Council, in which only nobles had the right to participate, was determined by how many people voted for or against it.

Therefore, rather than absorbing Barque into Beaufort and making him his son-in-law, my grandfather had used him as a stepping stone to enrich the tree of his authority by establishing a new branch called Count Estellan.

It was then that I, who had been listening to his grumbling as if it were someone else’s story, paused.

“Grandfather, what did you just say?”

“What?”

“You said Mother…… chose Father?”

He looked at me as if I were an idiot for making him say it twice and nodded.

“Yes. Shillian directly chose that fellow as her groom. Even though his background was inferior to other young nobles, she insisted on marrying him and no one else, so I reluctantly gave my permission. Either way, she had to get out of that miserable situation of being an unwed mother.”

“…….”

“Honestly. For my daughter, her taste in men is as low as the ground. Following an insignificant gardener, now she has her eye on a lowly fellow who’s been rolling around on battlefields.”

Whenever I was with my grandfather, I was always on edge, afraid of him. But now, I couldn’t pay any attention to his lamentations. It felt as if the ground I was standing on was collapsing. An indescribable frustration surged towards me like a raging tide, threatening to engulf me.

My mother had chosen that man as her groom.

All this time, I had assumed that my mother didn’t like my stepfather, simply because they used separate rooms. I hadn’t dared to ask, fearing it might be a rash judgment, but in my heart, I had hoped it was true. But the reality was the opposite.

My mother had specifically chosen him from among many potential grooms, to the point of once again overlooking my grandfather’s dissuasion—him, Barque…….

“Ugh.”

Suddenly, an unbearable wave of nausea surged up, and I couldn’t help but clamp my mouth shut even in front of my grandfather. My stomach twisted horribly, as if someone was grabbing my intestines and wringing them out. My grandfather looked at me with a puzzled expression.

“What’s wrong?”

“No, nothing…….”

It was clear that if I showed any unseemly behavior in front of my grandfather, his thorny gaze would pierce me again, so I endured it with all my might.

Having finished his business, my grandfather indicated that he would be leaving. The moment it solidified that the reason he had come all the way here, leading his elderly body, was to pry into the relationship between his daughter and her husband.

I don’t know what kind of face or mind I had as I saw him off. Like an innocent child who knew no manners, I ran into my bedroom and sank down in a heap.

The nausea grew increasingly severe, and in the end, I vomited once into the water basin placed on one side of the bedroom. The foul smell lingering in my mouth made my vision spin. Needless to say, my throat felt raw as if a sharp blade had been stuck in it.

<His background is inferior to other young nobles, but she said she wouldn’t marry anyone else…….>

My grandfather’s voice echoed in my mind. My mother had been sincere about him, to the point of not wanting to marry anyone other than my stepfather. Not knowing that, I had clung only to the fact that they used separate rooms and made my own assumptions, rationalizing that she didn’t love Father…….

In the end, it was all for my own sake.

I loved my stepfather, and I wanted to justify that love even a little. The self-loathing for my cowardly self surged up even more violently than the nausea. My vision spun as if someone was grabbing my head and turning it roughly.

Wiping my lips, wet with sticky saliva, with the back of my hand, I soon paused at a strange premonition that ran down my spine.

‘Come to think of it…… when was my last period?’

The question suddenly popped into my head, and goosebumps covered my entire body.

‘No way. It can’t be.’

I rolled my wide, pale eyes.

It couldn’t be. But to deny it, there were now several distinct memories that flashed through my mind. The noticeably increased sleep, the moods that swung wildly in curves, the appetite that changed like the back of my hand……. It was clearly the same as the pregnancy symptoms I had read about in books before.

With both hands clamped over my lips, I remained motionless for a while, as if dead. I couldn’t even breathe properly, like a corpse. It was because this absurd situation had plunged my mind into a black abyss. When I regained consciousness, my vision was blurry. Only then did I realize I was crying.

I felt like I was trapped in the longest and most difficult maze in the world. A hopeless situation where it seemed no matter where I went or how I went, there would be no exit. I was trapped inside it, unable to escape.

‘……When was it?’

I thought, stubbornly swallowing the resentment that threatened to burst from my lips. The clearest memory was the day Barque gave me the aphrodisiac before he left for the expedition. That day was three weeks after I had stopped taking birth control pills, so it was a suitable time for conception.

‘But, it’s too early.’

Even so, it had only been a little over a week. So, even if I was pregnant, it was too early for symptoms to appear.

‘Then could it be, even before that……?’

It had been three months since my stepfather and I started our relationship. There were more than one or two times I could guess. If I had already been pregnant before I even started taking birth control pills, then it had been useless from the start. A pointless act. Just a useless action.

I lay on the floor, gasping for breath as if I would collapse at any moment.

‘No. It’s not certain yet.’

I wouldn’t know until I got examined. It’s alright. It won’t be.

No matter how many times I repeated that to myself, this time the anxiety wouldn’t go away at all. A delirium-like panic seeped up through each of my vertebrae. The problem was that I couldn’t get it checked right away. The pharmacy was out of the question since knights would surely follow me. Then there was the method of asking the family doctor who was on standby 24 hours in this mansion, but that wouldn’t work either.

If I was indeed pregnant, and it was discovered, it would soon be told to my mother. My mother would ask with eyes that were sometimes like a deer’s and sometimes like a girl’s.

Rosen, my beloved daughter. Whose baby are you carrying?

My mother loved me, so she would try to embrace me. But what if she found out that the baby was the bloodline of her own husband? What would happen then?

No, perhaps, she already suspected the ending of this sin.

Ruin was closer than I thought. It wasn’t something that came in a dramatic situation. It was something that could come in any ordinary moment. That was why it was ruin.

Tears kept welling up, making the area around my eyes burn. Only the evidence that my mother loved my stepfather, which I had learned from my grandfather earlier, remained in my heart, drawing a long and stinging wound.

Even in the midst of this, I felt terribly sad that my stepfather wasn’t by my side. He, the one who might be the father of the life planted in my womb, wasn’t here, so I was lost. I hated him for creating this situation, but ironically, because we shared a secret, he was the only one I could trust.

What would he have done?

Father, in the end, I’m carrying your baby. It’s as you wished.

If I said that, he, he would…….

I missed him, I longed for him, and yet I resented him. My heart drifted aimlessly, unable to find its footing between love and hatred.

________________________________________

“Rosen! It’s been a while.”

I blankly stared at Ergel, who entered the drawing room with a bright face. Ergel, who had brought a whole load of desserts for me today as well, tilted his head, seeing my lack of reaction.

“What’s wrong?”

“……Nothing.”

Despite my listless response, Ergel seemed cheerful as ever. A tea table for me and him was quickly set. True to his kind and considerate nature, Ergel handed out desserts not only to me but also to the maids who had worked hard to prepare the table, telling them to share. They blushed like girls and kept bowing before stepping back.

I listlessly watched the series of events unfolding before me and then spoke abruptly.

“You are, truly kind.”

Ergel had always been like that.

Unlike me, who only knew myself, he always knew how to take care of everyone around him. Was it because he was born with a complete lineage? Was it because he had walked a path so different from mine, who was born half-commoner and grew up unacknowledged?

The more I compared myself to Ergel, the more the misery I harbored inside grew. I liked him very much for taking care of me and telling me interesting stories, but I disliked him for sometimes pushing me into an endless abyss like this.

My emotions had been fluctuating wildly over the past few days. However, I didn’t want to vent my anger on my innocent friend, so I wordlessly shoved a dessert into my mouth. But I immediately regretted it. My stomach, which had clearly been normal just a moment ago, suddenly churned violently as soon as I ate the dessert.

As if trying to deny the possibility that this might be a symptom of carrying a baby, I gulped down the tea placed beside me. If my grandfather had seen it, he would have scolded me for such an unrefined action, but he wasn’t here now, and moreover, I didn’t have the energy to even think of such a reprimand.

“Rosen. Eat slowly. You’ll choke.”

“…….”

“By the way, you look like you’ve lost weight, is that right? Have you been eating well lately?”

I, who had been staring blankly at the ground as if trying to calm my startled stomach, flinched when his tender tone reached my ears. I slowly lifted my gaze. Ergel had a playful smile on his lips, but his eyes showed concern for me.

Ergel was kind. That was something he extended to everyone, but especially to me. To the point of regularly visiting the mansion with desserts like this. To the point of instantly seeing through my mood if I was worried or carefree.

Because he had feelings for me.

I couldn’t reciprocate Ergel’s feelings, and that was why I tried to keep him as far away from my personal space as possible. I drew a line and tried to treat him only as a friend. He had said to start as friends, but I had no intention of going beyond that, so I always thought I had to maintain a proper distance.

Because that was the polite thing to do.

The politeness I had to maintain because I couldn’t accept his feelings.

But, how could I steel myself in front of someone who seemed like he would always be on my side like this? It was because I had become rapidly exhausted these past few days. The fact that I had to hide the truth from everyone, especially from my beloved mother, kept pushing me to the edge of a cliff of guilt.

The tension that had been tightly wrapped around my inner thoughts, so as not to reveal them at all, loosened powerlessly. Before I even realized it, I was crying. Since I was silently shedding tears without a sound, if he wasn’t looking at me, he wouldn’t even know I was crying.

Ergel, who had been sweeping back his fine silver hair, confirmed my state and froze like a stone statue. Soon after, he hurriedly got up and approached my side.

Kneeling on one knee before me, his manner of looking at me was extremely cautious. For nobles, their knees were akin to their pride. To kneel and expose the crown of their head was like shame to them. So, it wasn’t a sight easily seen unless they were facing the emperor, the ruler of this land.

However, Ergel didn’t hesitate to kneel before me. Realizing that made my heart ache even more. I deeply felt that this man’s emotions were genuine.

“What’s wrong? What is it, Rosen?”

“……Ergel. I know I shouldn’t do this to you.”

“What? What are you talking about? Huh?”

“But, but you’re the only one.”

Ergel was stunned by my incomprehensible plea. His hands hovered in the air, unable to bring themselves to wipe away my tears, yet not still either. I wiped my blurry, tear-stained vision and gasped for breath.

“Help me.”

“…….”

“…….”

“Help me, Ergel.”

My trembling voice was so small and insignificant, but it must have reached Ergel. That must be why he was looking at me so intently now. Ergel carefully reached out the hand he hadn’t been able to extend easily until now.

“I’ll help you.”

His fingers gently brushed away the tears clinging to my chin. It was a warm touch.

“I’ll help you, Rosen. So don’t cry. What do you want? How can I help you?”

“I need to get out of here.”

“……Huh?”

Ergel let out a dumbfounded reaction, as if this was the last thing he had expected. I grabbed his shoulders with a pale, terrified face, as if a ghost was chasing me from behind.

“I have to run away from this place.”

Before my stepfather returns.

Before he returns here and ultimately drags me into a mire where I can’t even breathe.

“What in the…….”

“I can’t say anything right now. But, but won’t you help me……?”

Ergel wore an expression that clearly showed he needed an explanation. But unfortunately, I couldn’t tell him anything. What could I possibly say? That I had been in such a relationship with my stepfather even before the marriage, and now, on top of that, I seemed to be carrying his baby in my womb? It was a situation so scandalous that even if I had ten mouths, I wouldn’t be able to utter a single word.

I just clutched his shoulders with trembling hands. Cold sweat beaded on my forehead as I waited for Ergel’s reaction, the only one who could help me in this situation. Anxiety bloomed uncontrollably.

Ergel cast a deep gaze upon me once more. He seemed to be trying to grasp the situation, even if only in fragments. But whatever he imagined, the truth would surely be beyond that.

“I was planning to leave for Constanta soon. I came here today to tell you that…….”

My heart thumped at the story he slowly revealed.

“Will you come with me?”

It was as if a vague light appeared behind Ergel. Whether it was the hope that would guide me, or the undercurrent of an explosion that would destroy everything, I couldn’t tell yet.

I looked at the hand he had extended.

The hand that had been on my shoulder slipped down as if losing strength and grasped his palm. A hand so different from my stepfather’s calloused one, marked with the hardships of his personal history, so smooth and delicate. Perhaps that was why it didn’t feel threatening to me at all.

Finally, I put strength into my grip on Ergel’s hand, hoping that even a little of my desperate feelings would be conveyed.

________________________________________

Dark night.

In the bedroom where the maid had finished the last of the tidying and left, I stared wide-eyed. It wasn’t because I was sleepy, but to calm my heart, which was beating wildly with a concentrated tension. Through the glass window directly in front of me, I could see the pitch-black night sky. As if to erase the traces before a major event, not a single ray of moonlight shone through tonight.

I waited, my body tense, for several minutes.

Knock, knock. A sound of knocking on my bedroom door reached my ears. As if I had been waiting for the sign, I jumped up and headed for the door. Perhaps it was from the sudden movement, but a headache that made my vision spin arose, but as always, I stubbornly endured it. Standing at the opened door was a maid.

“Please change into this.”

The maid handed me a maid’s uniform that looked exactly like hers. With trembling hands, I changed into the clothes and then put on the robe that she offered next. The maid carefully checked if anyone was in the hallway before signaling me to come out.

“……Just a moment.”

Before leaving the bedroom, I neatly placed a letter I had tucked into the side of the bookshelf on the table. The contents of the letter, enclosed in a clean envelope, were simply, “Mother, I’m sorry.” That was because there were no other words I could convey.

And the bracelet I had been wearing on my wrist, I put it in the very last drawer. As I gazed at it, a sudden surge of emotion welled up within me.

I had to disappear from this place for the sin of coveting the man my mother loved. I didn’t want to see this marriage ultimately fall apart because of my existence.

If only I were gone, peace would come to this place, where they were just starting to build a family. Barque would be confused for a while because I had disappeared, but being by the side of my kind and benevolent mother, he would surely come to love her. Because my mother was a good person whom one couldn’t help but love.

The maid, holding a single lamp, moved deftly. We encountered other servants and knights a couple of times in the middle, but perhaps because I was wearing a maid’s uniform and even a robe, they didn’t recognize me.

Leaving the mansion like that and passing by a detached house on one side, I was surprised to discover a back door leading to the rear garden. I had always only thought of using the front gate, so I hadn’t expected there to be a back door.

“Young miss. This way.”

The maid illuminated the ground, which was hard to see in the darkness, with her lamp. Just as I was about to step out of the back door, I paused at the squelching sound coming from where I had stepped. I had unfortunately stepped on the mud floor next to the proper path. My beige shoes, revealed in the lamplight, were dirtied to the point of making me frown. It was exactly like my appearance, having been swayed around by my stepfather.

“Young miss?”

I blankly looked at my ruined shoes and then rubbed the still-clinging mud against the ground as if rolling them. After repeating that a few times, the unpleasant feeling that had been conveyed beyond my shoes to the soles of my feet subsided a little. It wasn’t satisfactory, but it wasn’t unpleasant anymore. Only then did I follow behind the maid.

After walking for a few minutes after leaving the back door, a carriage soon came into view. Ergel, who was also wearing a robe like me, was leaning against the carriage. He spotted me and the maid and winked at the coachman standing beside him. The coachman handed the maid a heavy-looking pouch. Judging by the clinking sound, it was all money.

Today was a week after Ergel had promised to help me. He had made preparations for the journey and at the same time had won over a maid from the Count’s estate. That pouch of money was probably the price of that persuasion.

As soon as the maid received the payment, she left without looking back. Her hasty attitude suggested that she was afraid of being caught by someone.

“Let’s go, Rosen.”

Looking at the receding back of her head, I turned my head at Ergel’s words. He led me into the carriage. I glanced once at the back door and once at the quiet mansion spreading out beyond it before silently climbing in.

Dawn showed no signs of breaking in the early morning.

I was getting out of my stepfather’s grasp.