Chapter 108: Coming of Age (3)

Once the auspicious rites were completed, the guests dispersed.

Shen Xiling returned to her room, quickly changing out of her ceremonial attire back into her usual dress. She didn’t have time to remove all the elaborate hairpins and ornaments from her hair, only managing to take off the ceremonial crown with Fengchang’s help before rushing toward the door again.

She was going to find Qi Yin.

If she delayed, there was no telling whether he might leave again.

She hurried out of the door, but as soon as she stepped out of the courtyard, she saw Qi San standing in front of her gate.

On any other day, Shen Xiling would have followed etiquette and exchanged pleasantries with Qi San, but today she was in such a rush that she couldn’t spare him much thought. She hastily nodded at him and lifted her skirt to run past him.

Unexpectedly, Qi San called out to her: “Wenwen Sister!”

His voice was clear, and Shen Xiling couldn’t pretend not to hear. She had no choice but to stop and turn around to look at him, asking, “Is there something you need, Third Brother?”

Qi Ning glanced at her. Due to today’s ceremony, she was dressed particularly meticulously, and upon closer inspection, she appeared even more breathtakingly beautiful. The red mole between her eyebrows exuded an almost ethereal charm, enhancing her beauty even further.

He couldn’t help but blush slightly as he said, “Yes, yes, there is something I need to tell you…”

Upon hearing this, Shen Xiling felt a surge of impatience. She feared that if they started talking, Qi Yin might leave, and her usually patient demeanor vanished instantly.

Unable to hide her anxiety, she said, “Third Brother, can we talk another day? I have other things to attend to today…”

Before she could finish, Qi Ning interrupted, “Are you going to look for Second Brother?”

Shen Xiling was startled and pursed her lips before nodding.

Seeing her nod, Qi Ning suddenly recalled their childhood days studying together. That day, when she heard that Second Brother was leaving Jiankang, she abandoned all decorum and rushed out of the study to find him—a memory that remained vivid in his mind.

A pang struck Qi Ning’s heart. After a pause, he said to her, “Second Brother asked me to find you. Why don’t you hear me out before going to see him?”

Shen Xiling was taken aback by this statement.

Although she and Qi San had spent some time studying together, they weren’t particularly close. She couldn’t fathom what he needed to say to her or why he would discuss it with Qi Yin beforehand.

But anything involving that person made her cautious. After a moment of hesitation, Shen Xiling decided to stay, saying to Qi Ning, “Then… Third Brother, please speak.”

Qi Ning looked at her, took a deep breath, and finally steeled himself to say, “Wenwen Sister, I want to marry you.”

Even as Shen Xiling wandered aimlessly through the garden alone, she was still in a daze.

Her mind was a blur; she couldn’t think clearly or understand anything. She kept replaying Qi Ning’s words from moments ago over and over in her head.

He said he wanted to marry her.

Shen Xiling was utterly shocked upon hearing this, almost unable to speak. After a long while, she managed to regain her composure and said, “Th-Third Brother, how could you say such a thing? How could we possibly…”

“How could we not!” Qi Ning cut her off abruptly, raising his voice slightly. “I’m unmarried, you’re unmarried, our ages are compatible, and we’d make a perfect match! Besides, we’ve known each other since childhood and even studied together, making us more familiar than others. You also have ties with our family—wouldn’t marrying me be ideal?”

Taken aback by his outburst, Shen Xiling found Qi San’s words absurd but didn’t know how to refute them immediately. She stood there speechless.

Qi Ning grew bolder as he continued, “Sister has already undergone the hair-pinning ceremony and will eventually marry someone. Wouldn’t it be better to marry me than someone else?”

He glanced at her, softening his tone somewhat with an ambiguous statement, “You’re very close to Second Brother, aren’t you? If you marry someone else, you may rarely see him again for the rest of your life. But if you marry me, we’ll still be family—you wouldn’t like that?”

This statement left both of them feeling unsettled.

Shen Xiling was confused by the concept of marriage, having never considered it before, let alone how her relationship with Qi Yin would change after marriage. Qi Ning, on the other hand, felt a tinge of resentment. He was already somewhat jealous of Wenwen’s affection for Second Brother, and now he had to use Second Brother’s name to propose to her, which naturally made him feel stifled.

For a moment, both harbored their own thoughts, and neither spoke.

Qi Ning glanced at Shen Xiling, seeing her still in a daze. He realized it wasn’t wise to pressure her too quickly and decided to give her some time to think. Softening his tone even more, he sincerely said, “Wenwen Sister, I truly love you and earnestly seek your hand in marriage. After we marry, I promise to remain faithful and cherish you like a precious jewel. I’ll strive to achieve scholarly success. Even if I can’t match Second Brother, I won’t fall short! I’ll ensure you receive noble titles and live in great splendor! Please think about it carefully and give me your answer in a few days, alright?”

Before Shen Xiling could politely decline, Qi Ning seemed to sense it and immediately cut her off, his expression turning cold. He said, “Sister, please think carefully. I discussed this matter with Second Brother beforehand, and he has already agreed. Today, I came to speak with you on his behalf. If you agree, Second Brother will provide a generous dowry to ensure your dignified marriage…”

He hadn’t finished speaking when he noticed his beautiful Wenwen Sister’s blank expression, even her eyes appearing shattered. She asked him, “…You said Master has already agreed?”

Shen Xiling couldn’t remember how she parted ways with Qi Ning.

She only remembered Qi Ning saying that his second brother had sent him to propose, and that he would provide her with a dowry to ensure a respectable marriage.

Shen Xiling didn’t know how she felt at that moment. She was in a complete daze, not feeling pain, as if she had been deeply stabbed but the blood hadn’t yet flowed, making it seem like nothing had happened.

Lost in a haze, she walked alone in the garden, where spring was in full bloom. Magnolias, peace lilies, hydrangeas, and trumpet vines were all in full flower, and birds chirped noisily, creating a vibrant spring scene.

Yet, she felt as though she were still stranded in the depths of winter, feeling only cold.

Suddenly, looking up, she saw a figure standing amidst the blooming flowers, clad in official robes, appearing especially solemn and out of place among the lush scenery. Yet, in Shen Xiling’s eyes, it was perfectly fitting, making her suddenly understand the poetic lines, “searching for him a thousand times in the crowd.”

It was Qi Yin.

At that moment, Shen Xiling felt like encountering a blazing fire in the midst of a snowy mountain night, warming her entire being. Unafraid of burns or pain, she walked towards him.

He must have heard her footsteps because he turned to look at her before she got too close. His beautiful phoenix eyes were deep and serene, making him appear distant.

Shen Xiling’s heart tightened inexplicably, sensing ominous foreboding. However, she stubbornly brushed away that strange feeling and continued to approach him.

Until she stood right in front of him.

Since their brief encounter in the alley carriage, they hadn’t seen each other in a long time. Despite yearning for him and having so much to say, when she finally stood before him, she suddenly didn’t know what to say.

Speechless.

Her fingers quietly intertwined as she struggled to form words. After a long while, she managed to utter, “…Master hasn’t left yet?”

He stood tall and erect before her, hands clasped behind his back. Upon hearing her question, he calmly replied, “I’m waiting for you.”

Shen Xiling’s heart stirred with joy. She looked up at him and then suddenly heard him ask, “Did you see Third Brother?”

Those few words caused her momentarily uplifted heart to sink once more.

The ominous premonition grew stronger.

Her fingers twisted tighter, and she lowered her head, replying, “…Yeah, I saw him.”

Lowering her head, unsure where to look, she focused on her tightly interlaced fingers, her skin turning pale. She heard him continue, “He told you everything, right? What do you think?”

His voice was calm, without a trace of disturbance, but her emotions churned violently.

The knife plunged into her heart seemed to be yanked out forcefully, causing blood to gush out and the pain to surge, nearly suffocating her.

Shen Xiling took a deep breath and raised her head to look at him. Her trembling fingers clenched tightly, but she forced herself to meet his gaze and asked, “Third Brother said that Master sent him to find me and that he would give me a generous dowry once I married—Is that true?”

Her eyes were bright, reflecting a stubborn determination, a relentless persistence colliding with Qi Yin’s eyes, causing him to furrow his brow and slightly avert his gaze.

He said, “Mm, there’s truth to that.”

Though Shen Xiling had vaguely anticipated it, hearing him say it directly still broke her heart and spirit.

The wound in her heart hurt even more profoundly.

At that moment, Shen Xiling smiled faintly, a shallow yet pretty smile tinged with bitterness. A voice softly mocked her in her mind: See, isn’t this what you expected?

For the past three months, you’ve pretended nothing happened, deceiving yourself that everything was fine, hoping that upon meeting again, things would return to normal. But deep down, you knew something was wrong. He changed, he distanced himself, and your desperate refusal to acknowledge it—did it help?

In the end, isn’t this how it turned out? You can’t escape.

Shen Xiling, you can’t escape.

When everything reached its worst, Shen Xiling surprisingly became calm. Slowly, she loosened her tightly intertwined fingers, though they still trembled slightly.

She looked up at Qi Yin again. This time, her gaze was steady and still bright, like a small flame flickering within.

“Do you want me to get married?” she asked, seemingly calm. “To marry someone else?”

The word “others” carried subtle, indescribable implications. Qi Yin might have caught this nuance, as his gaze darkened, though his expression remained calm and unruffled. He said, “You’ve grown up; it’s time for you to marry.”

“You’re right,” Shen Xiling smiled faintly, her beauty breathtaking. “But I don’t want to marry anyone else.”

I only want to be with you.

Under normal circumstances, she would have buried that last sentence deep in her heart, guarding it fiercely so he wouldn’t hear it. But now, sensing the impending danger of separation from him, she felt an overwhelming urgency. This feeling gave her a reckless courage.

Never before had she felt such a desperate need to clearly tell him.

She loved him.

Her eyes grew even brighter, and the red mole between her eyebrows seemed more vivid. Qi Yin knew her too well—before she even spoke, he knew what she was thinking.

He immediately interrupted her.

“Wenwen,” his expression was uncharacteristically stern and severe, his tone harder and colder than ever. “Be cautious with your words.”

This version of Qi Yin was terrifying.

In the three years since she first came to Fenghe Garden pleading for information about her father’s remains, he had never spoken harshly to her. Yet now, that same stern expression returned, even more intense than before.

But strangely, Shen Xiling wasn’t afraid at all.

Instead, she felt a fire burning within her. She looked straight at him, her voice louder than his.

“Cautious?” she laughed, a bitter smile tinged with subtle mockery. “Why should I be cautious? Are you saying I don’t even have the right to say it out loud?”

Qi Yin stared at her, his brows furrowed as if they would never unfurl. His tone was heavy, his eyes filled with hidden meaning as he said, “Once words are spoken, they can’t be recalled. Spilled water can’t be gathered.”

Don’t say it. If you do, we won’t even have the chance to pretend everything is fine. What will I do with you then?

Just as he understood her, Shen Xiling understood him. Even if his meaning was veiled, she grasped it instantly.

But she wasn’t persuaded.

Never had she disobeyed him like this, even deliberately opposing him. Instead of retreating, his words spurred her to take another step forward.

Her eyes were startlingly bright, as if they would consume her entire being, brilliant yet heart-wrenching, almost aggressive.

“I don’t care!” she said. “If staying silent means being pushed into someone else’s arms, I’d rather tell you everything clearly and honestly now. Even if you abandon me afterward, at least I won’t regret it.”

Her eyes held a storm of emotions, appearing both tragic and heroic.

“I’ve always liked you.”

Finally, she voiced the secret she had kept buried deep within her heart.

“It’s not the kind of affection a child has for an adult—it’s the kind between a man and a woman…” Her expression was pained yet tender, her words somewhat disjointed. “I don’t know how long I’ve felt this way. Maybe since the first time I saw you. All I know is that I’ve liked you every single day for these three years—I’ve never stopped.”

“But I didn’t dare tell you,” her voice softened, becoming sorrowful and wistful. “I know that in your eyes, I’ve always been a child. And I know there are so many others who like you—better than me, who’ve known you longer, who are more suited to you…”

“But I’m helpless.”

“Even knowing all this, even understanding everything, I still can’t stop liking you. I like you so much I want to be with you forever.”

She paused, tears finally brimming in her eyes, like ink bleeding through rice paper, spreading sorrow across the entire landscape.

“I don’t necessarily expect an answer from you,” her voice grew softer, slower. “Of course, you might not feel the same way. I won’t force or cling to you. If you choose to marry someone else, I won’t cry or make things difficult for you.”

“I just… don’t want to marry anyone else…”

A tear slid down her cheek.

“I just… want to stay by your side…”

She broke down completely.

Her tears blurred the entire landscape.

Every word she spoke was clear, falling into Qi Yin’s ears without distortion. Her feelings and sorrow were palpable, evoking pity even from those unrelated to the matter.

But Qi Yin’s face remained expressionless.

His gaze didn’t waver; his demeanor was indifferent and cold, as if he were dealing with a document or official matter. He would handle this situation properly and thoroughly, nothing more.

He didn’t even wipe away her tears, merely stating flatly, “Marriage is a natural part of life. You’ve grown up, and one day you’ll marry. If you’re unhappy with this arrangement, you can tell me directly. I won’t force you, but I’ll find another suitable husband for you.”

Shen Xiling’s vision blurred; she could no longer see his face clearly. She could only hear his calm, almost cold voice continuing to reach her ears.

“As for what you said earlier, I can pretend I didn’t hear it,” he paused. “After today, let’s never bring it up again.”

At this, his coldness shattered her heart completely.

Shen Xiling’s journey through the business world over the past three years hadn’t been smooth sailing. She had faced countless hardships and setbacks. Whenever she encountered difficulties, she persevered with determination and resilience, no matter how tough things got.

But when it came to Qi Yin, she couldn’t do the same.

Perhaps because she cared for him too deeply, or perhaps because she harbored an ingrained sense of inferiority around him, making her want to retreat rather than fight for him when faced with his cold rejection.

He was always an exception to her.

Since she was eleven, he had been a secret dream she buried in her heart—a dream filled with unimaginable splendor and warmth. Without him, she would have perished in the rare snowstorm of Qinghua Year 13. But he saved her and gave her everything she never dared to hope for.

Her dream was beautiful yet fragile, so real that it deceived even herself.

She had warned herself countless times not to harbor unrealistic hopes, but despite her caution, she had fallen deeply, irretrievably immersed in his tenderness and compassion. She even believed her dream might come true—that she could spend her life in his garden, forever cherished in his heart.

But now, her dream was over.

Three years ago, during that flower festival in this very garden, he had told the radiant princess that when she grew up, he would let her go. True to his word, the moment she came of age, he was pushing her away.

No matter how much she loved him, no matter how much she pleaded, it made no difference.

Shen Xiling smiled again, knowing her appearance must look ugly now, but she no longer cared. She wiped her tears with trembling hands, trying to regain some fleeting clarity to see him more clearly in this moment.

She looked at him as if gazing at a shattered dream. Despite her heartbreak, she could still see its beauty.

He truly was wonderful.

It was just a pity that she had to wake up.

Shen Xiling’s smile mingled with tears, blurring the line between joy and sorrow. After a long silence, she sighed softly, whispering, “Alright, I’ll do as you say.”

She lowered her head, the bright flame in her eyes extinguished, leaving behind only emptiness.

The veins on Qi Yin’s hands, clasped behind his back, bulged intermittently as he clenched and unclenched them, struggling to suppress his emotions.

But he wasn’t entirely successful. He couldn’t help calling her name softly: “Wenwen…”

Shen Xiling didn’t hear him.

Her ears rang, and her senses dulled, but she didn’t care. In a soft voice, she said, “It’s alright… I’ve thought about this myself. I wondered what would happen if we reached this point. It’s pretty much what I expected…”

She smiled faintly, raising her head to glance at him, filled with sorrow and self-mockery. “The only difference is that I didn’t think this day would come so soon, nor did I expect you to act so decisively… I thought maybe, just a little, you might like me too—even if it wasn’t much…”

Her voice gradually faded into silence.

“…Turns out, that was just my delusion.”

With that, she seemed to resolve a lingering concern, letting go of all hope. She cast one final glance at him before slowly turning and walking away.

She disappeared amidst the vibrant spring blossoms.

In the brief moments between her turning and disappearing from his sight, Qi Yin thought of many things.

So many things.

At first, his mind was chaotic, unable to think clearly. Little Master Qi, who was so astute in court, couldn’t comprehend anything as Shen Xiling walked away.

Then, thoughts flooded his mind. Though he could read them, he still couldn’t process them.

First, he saw his own baseness.

He had spoken to her with such righteous indignation, seemingly without a trace of selfishness. Only he knew the relief he felt when she expressed her dislike for marrying Qi Ning, and the joy and excitement when she confessed her love so candidly and desperately.

He was moved.

The moment she said she liked him.

It wasn’t the slight tremor and small tingle he felt while facing her in the garden—it was a clear, undeniable affection and… desire.

He wanted to hold her tightly in his arms.

His little girl.

But the stronger the desire, the more powerful his reason became. Especially in that moment, he was bound firmly by his rationality, unable to cross any lines.

He already understood clearly—he couldn’t keep her.

The Spring Examination was approaching, and he had considered promoting commoners, not because he wanted to side with Crown Prince Duan, but because this nation was riddled with problems. He wanted to do what he could to fix it. His elder brother’s reform policies struggled to gain traction, unable to even leave the Ministry of Rites, because too many people in the court harbored selfish desires, leaving few willing to speak up for justice.

If the position of chief examiner wasn’t in his hands, he could stand aside. But fate had delivered this opportunity to him. If he didn’t seize it, he would regret it for life.

Fine. If he promoted commoners and suppressed noble families during the Spring Examination, what would Xiao Zitang think? What would the Emperor think? What would the court officials and aristocratic families think? How would the Qi family maintain its standing among the nobility?

Soon after the Spring Examination, these questions would confront him.

What should he do with Shen Xiling?

Could he keep her?

Not to mention whether Princess Liu and the royal family would accept her—just overcoming his own internal barriers was impossible.

He had once despised Chancellor Shen, her father. He found the act of keeping mistresses cowardly and irresponsible: either don’t do it, or commit fully. Turning lovers into hidden mistresses, subjecting wives and children to lifelong disdain and illegitimacy—how could one call themselves a husband or father?

But now he understood—Chancellor Shen must have had his reasons.

They were all members of noble families; marriage wasn’t something they could decide for themselves. Bound by too many constraints, they were forced to compromise step by step, eventually giving up everything. Shen Xiling’s mother was likely one of Chancellor Shen’s sacrifices.

But could he emulate Chancellor Shen?

He had witnessed Shen Xiling’s plight. She rarely saw her father growing up, living a lonely life with her mother in a remote, cramped courtyard. She endured public scorn and beatings from the main wife. What else did she have?

Would he ruin Shen Xiling’s life for his own desires?

If he took her, then what? A fleeting pleasure followed by a lifetime of hardship.

When he married the princess, how heartbroken would she be? How long would it be before they saw each other again? How much grievance would she endure? If they had children, it would be worse—they would be like Shen Xiling in her childhood, adrift and without support.

Knowing all this, how could he possibly harm her life further?

Better to end everything here—while their love’s roots weren’t too deep, while they hadn’t made promises, while everything could still change.

The pain would only last a moment. After this immediate suffering, she would have a smooth, peaceful life.

She would have a husband who married her properly, a respectable and admired family, a happy and prosperous life surrounded by grandchildren, living peacefully until old age.

That would be good.

As for him, he could watch her from afar, burying his affection and desire in the depths of his heart. He could support her husband and children, being her eternal pillar.

Even if they never met again.

Even if he spent the rest of his life alone.

Wenwen, life is full of disappointments. My path is destined to be thorny, but you can still live well.

You, don’t look back.

I, can’t look back.