#179: Reunion (1)

When Shen Xiling finally saw Qi Yin, a loquat fruit from the tree in the courtyard had just fallen to the ground with a thud, splitting into pieces and releasing a faint fruity fragrance.

The weather that day was clear and pleasant. April in the north was always the most agreeable time of year, especially in the mountains outside the capital. While the flowers in the mortal world had mostly faded by this time, here they were in full bloom. The mountain courtyard was rather simple, but his presence transformed it into one of the most precious and serene places on earth—a sight that instantly made all worldly noise fade away.

He was sitting on a bench under the loquat tree, reading a book. The sudden fall of the fruit seemed to startle him, causing him to glance aside momentarily. When he raised his eyes, he saw Shen Xiling standing outside the wooden gate of the courtyard.

In truth, there were more people present besides them. Qing Zhu was nearby boiling water for tea, and Gu Juhan had also come—he had brought Shen Xiling. Moreover, beneath this secluded mountain, countless Wei soldiers in armor and armed with swords were stationed. Though they were not visible at the moment, they guarded the seemingly ordinary mountain retreat tightly. If the wild rabbits and deer in the mountains were sentient, they would recognize this as a forbidden place.

Yet despite the many people around her, Shen Xiling could only see Qi Yin, just as she always had.

... He had grown thinner.

Much thinner, and extremely pale.

He was still handsome, his phoenix-like eyes—the ones that haunted her dreams—still as magnificent as ever. But he looked slightly different from how she remembered him. Perhaps it was the mark of time, or perhaps it was because he was so thin now that the bones of his hand holding the book were clearly visible.

He seemed unprepared to see her at that moment. Indeed, compared to their five-year separation, this reunion felt abrupt and hasty. Even he appeared somewhat stunned, his gaze toward her appearing vacant.

They silently stared at each other across the thin wooden gate, both as if caught in a dream.

At this moment, Qing Zhu noticed her and was greatly startled, accidentally knocking over the already boiling kettle of hot water, nearly scalding himself. The commotion woke everyone up, including Qi Yin, who quickly shook off his brief bewilderment. His expression returned to its usual calm and composed state, giving an air of distance.

He stopped looking at her and instead frowned as he turned his gaze toward Gu Juhan beside her.

At this point, Shen Xiling thought she heard Gu Juhan sigh. She wasn’t sure because her ears were ringing, and she wasn’t very alert. She vaguely heard him say to her, “I will wait for you at the foot of the mountain in three hours.”

After saying this, he gave her a deep look, then turned and left.

Meanwhile, Qing Zhu in the yard looked somewhat flustered, unsure whether to stay or leave.

Over the past five years, he had changed a lot. For example, he used to be shorter, but in recent years, he had grown significantly taller. Some men simply grow later in life, and he was now half a head taller than Shen Xiling.

However, some things about him hadn’t changed. For instance, he still followed his master’s orders without question. Even though he knew he shouldn’t stay in the courtyard at that moment, he didn’t move until Qi Yin gestured for him to leave. Only then did he hurriedly gather his things, pass Shen Xiling, and walk out of the gate.

Finally, only the two of them remained.

Their solitude was long overdue. It was no longer like the noisy, crowded days at the Censor-in-Chief’s residence or at the foot of Zhe Mo Mountain. Now, it was just the two of them, reminiscent of the time five years ago in Langya when she was married off.

Shen Xiling watched as he slowly stood up, holding the book loosely in his hand, gazing at her. This image was familiar to her. During the days when she studied with him as a child, he often held a book like this and looked at her, shedding much of his imposing demeanor from the political arena, appearing quite gentle—a look she had always loved.

She then reached out to push open the wooden gate, hearing its creaking sound, and took step by step toward him until she stood before him.

She saw him lowering his eyes to look at her. They were very close; with just a stretch of her hand, she could touch him. One step forward, and she could bury herself in his arms as she used to.

But she didn’t do that. Instead, she asked him, “... Are you alright?”

Are you alright?

What should people say upon a long-awaited reunion? Shen Xiling didn’t know, nor had she planned ahead. Perhaps it was because since their parting, she had never truly expected to see him again. Even when she repeatedly sought him out later, it was more out of duty than hope. Deep down, she had already resigned herself to the belief that for people like them, whose every step was fraught with difficulty, there wouldn’t be any good fortune in meeting again.

Yet here they were, reunited. And though she had so much to say to him, in the end, she only managed to ask this dry, simple question.

He had grown so thin, even appearing as if he were ill… how could he be alright?

Yet, he didn’t reproach her for her awkwardness. The April breeze in the mountains stirred his sleeves, giving him an ethereal appearance as he looked down at her and replied, “I am fine.”

His voice was deep and cold, and to her ears, it only deepened the surreal feeling of past lives.

She suddenly felt that the last time she spoke to him like this seemed like something from a previous life.

No matter how hard she tried to restrain herself, her eyes still grew moist. She fought to keep the tears from spilling over and said to him, “But you’ve lost so much weight.”

At this, he raised an eyebrow, then seemed to smile. He looked at her again, paused, and finally responded, “So have you.”

Tears swirled in Shen Xiling’s eyes.

Today, he treated her kindly, not dismissing her as he had at the tea gathering. For every question she asked, he gave an answer, not ignoring her.

Yet, she still felt distant.

She didn’t know why she felt sorrowful. After all, she no longer expected anything, nor did she hope for a happy ending between them. But upon realizing how distant they had become, her heart began to ache with spasms.

He had once been the person closest to her, sharing joys and sorrows, accompanying each other through long years… but now, they couldn’t even exchange a word.

She desperately wanted to embrace him—not out of any other intention, just to hold him—but she didn’t dare.

Was she too weak?

Or had she sensed his silent rejection?

Shen Xiling shook her head, pushing these distracting thoughts aside, and silently admonished herself not to be greedy—hadn’t she already decided? As long as he was alive and safe, that was enough.

You’ve been apart for five years; naturally, everything changes. Did you really expect everything to remain the same as before?

Shen Xiling, stop craving anything more.

With this thought, her tears subsided, and she even felt some self-reproach. She cleverly turned her face away, pretending to smooth her bangs, but in reality, she quickly wiped away the tears about to spill. When she looked up again, she could smile at him with perfect composure.

Her expression was proper, though tinged with concern as she looked at him and asked, “What exactly happened on the day of the Buddha Bathing Festival? Why didn’t Master return to the guest residence but instead stayed here?”

She began addressing matters pragmatically.

When Shen Xiling set aside personal feelings, she immediately became serious. She appeared reliable and composed, seemingly no different from five years ago. However, a closer look revealed the calm determination and resilience in her eyes—traits only possessed by someone with inner strength.

She had matured.

Not only had her appearance become more mature and beautiful, but her disposition had also deepened.

Qi Yin gazed at her with a complex expression, faintly admiring and relieved, yet mostly filled with helplessness.

He sighed and didn’t answer her question, only slightly furrowing his brows, saying, “You shouldn’t ask, and you shouldn’t have come.”

Qi Yin had always been a cautious and serious person, especially when stern, easily instilling fear. But after their close relationship years ago, Shen Xiling no longer feared him. Once, during a playful moment, she even teased him as a “paper tiger.”

Unexpectedly, five years had such a profound effect, easily eroding their closeness. She no longer considered herself an exception to his strictness—it applied to her as well.

Shen Xiling felt a slight panic from his frown. She pursed her lips and explained, “I—I won’t cause you trouble. I just… I’m just worried about you…”

She felt flustered, as if fearing his reproach.

Five years ago, she would never have had such thoughts because back then, she knew he cherished her most and that he wouldn’t blame her for anything. Now, she no longer had such confidence.

At this moment, he felt both familiar and distant.

Qi Yin seemed to sense her panic and could perceive its deeper meaning, yet he didn’t offer comfort, remaining silent.

Silence was perhaps the cruelest thing he could do to her at this moment, as it carried too many ambiguous meanings—possibly indifference or annoyance, difficult to discern.

Shen Xiling lowered her head, unsure what to say next.

Finally, he spoke.

“The past is settled; neither of us should linger,” his voice was cold and detached. “Since we’ve both lived well these past five years, there’s no need to look back or entangle ourselves further. After today’s farewell, don’t seek me out again. As for my affairs, don’t interfere anymore.”

His words fell into Shen Xiling’s ears, causing her already numb heart to shatter piece by piece.

At that moment, she truly wanted to tell him that the past five years hadn’t been good for her at all—far from it. Especially right after their separation, she was in such pain that she nearly wanted to die every day. How many nights had she lain awake, tightly gripping the scissors hidden under her pillow, contemplating ending it all.

If not for her concern for him, hoping to help and save him in the future, she surely wouldn’t have endured.

But she didn’t want to tell him any of this, nor did she wish to appear clingy. Let him think she had lived well—it didn’t matter. What mattered was him—as long as he was fine, she was content.

She was indeed strong. Even hearing those words from him now, she didn’t cry in front of him. She pretended to be magnanimous, even agreeing with him.

She knew the best thing to do now was to turn around and leave. Having verified his safety and understanding his clear wish for her not to involve herself in his current affairs, she shouldn’t say more. However, she had paid such a high price to secure these three hours facing him; she truly hesitated to leave so soon.

She wouldn’t seek more, but these three hours… she still hoped not to waste them.

Shen Xiling steadied her mind, then looked up at him, offering a very calm and proper smile. She pointed to the loquat tree in the courtyard and said, “This season is perfect for eating loquats. Master, allow me to pick a fruit to eat before I leave.”

Interestingly, her way of addressing him remained the same—still calling him “Master”—but the affectionate and coquettish tone was gone. The term now sounded formal and polite, as if they were mere acquaintances, both upright and clean.

Qi Yin pondered for a moment, perhaps considering whether to agree. He might have intended to refuse, but for some reason, he ultimately nodded.

The mountain retreat was simple, thus appearing rustic. On the other side of the loquat tree was a short table and two cushions, likely used by Qing Zhu for tea preparation in recent days. Qi Yin gestured toward that side, and Shen Xiling followed him, picking two loquat fruits along the way. Once seated, she smiled and handed one to him.