Chapter 75

The Moment You Lose What You Care About Most, Your Soul Will Tremble in Pain

Sitting cross-legged in front of the computer waiting for ticket sales, nervously searching for scalpers and raising the price, Zhao Xiaorou finally bought a ticket for the Hong Kong stop of the June 29th Silver He and East Asia Tour concert.

She originally wanted to go to the Korean stop, but during her relationship with Ma Liang, she forgot to pay attention. By the time she realized it, the tickets had already sold out.

She had been refreshing Interpark for days, cursing Ma Liang for being useless and causing her to miss the chance to buy tickets, seeing scalper tickets priced at 2500.

Despite Zhao Xiaorou earning seven to eight figures annually, she had once stayed up all night trying to buy tickets for 90,000 won, even queuing for them, but she would never buy from such unscrupulous scalpers.

Finally, she managed to get a first-row ticket for the Hong Kong show. Excited, she sent an email. This had been in the works for a long time. She used the excuse of recording a vlog on the lives of young professionals in Shanghai and invited Diao Zhiyu and Hu Xiu to mend old grudges.

Her email was warm: “We were once friends, it’s been so long since we had a meal together.”

After waiting anxiously for ten minutes, Li Ai replied briefly: “I’ve been a bit busy lately, you guys have fun.”

At first, she tried to keep her mood up, but after closing the computer, she felt terrible. Li Ai clearly had no intention of reconciling.

She forwarded the screenshot to Hu Xiu, and Zhao Xiaorou sent a string of voice messages: “I’ve known him for three years and never realized how hard he is to deal with. It’s just about being friends, I swear I had no ulterior motive. He handles all the business, and yet he doesn’t even take a single phone call. Why is it so hard to turn this iceberg into an ice cream in my hand?”

“No ulterior motive? I still firmly believe you and Ma Liang got together purely to piss off Li Ai.”

“Don’t bring up Ma Liang. That’s what pisses me off. Last time I humiliated him at Ogilvy, and that night the middle-aged ladies in the department took him to hot pot, saying he was so pitiful being bullied by his ex, comforting his fragile heart all night.”

“Is that reasonable? Shameless, really! This guy uses women’s relationships and his fake nose to scam around, and even now he hasn’t shown any signs of slipping.”

“My friend Natalie almost thought he was a good guy until she heard about my experiences with him, and then she realized it was all fake.”

“He still sometimes contacts me for urgent translation work. Diao Zhiyu also receives messages from him—stuff like showing off their relationship. Recently... I heard his new girlfriend from the nightclub has big breasts...”

“I know her. That internet celebrity, I know her. Unfortunately, she’s a fake rich woman, and she won’t buy Ma Liang a watch.”

“If he really wanted a watch, he should honestly settle down with a serious woman like Tracy.”

“Now I understand, if you have impure motives in love, what you get is never pure.”

“So now you’re setting your sights on Li Ai?”

“I swear again, I won’t have any thoughts about him anymore, I’ve given up.”

“You’re strange. You’re always gentle with everyone else, but when it comes to Li Ai, you can’t speak properly.”

“Because I’m not sure if I still deserve him. After all this time...”

The back-and-forth voice messages stopped here, with Hu Xiu not replying, probably busy.

Zhao Xiaorou had been planning for a long time, but in the end, she couldn’t pull it together. Her assistant, who had been with her for six years, was busy in the living room. Zhao Xiaorou walked over to see the hot pot ingredients in the bag. It was a shame the chosen topic for the video didn’t work out.

But the idea wasn’t very fresh—home and hotels don’t create new stories.

She took her basketball and went to find Li Ai. The rainy season had left the ground damp, and the sound of the basketball echoed. Zhao Xiaorou saw Li Ai’s figure.

He could now run a few steps on his injured leg, shooting, dribbling, and making feints with others...

The surgery was really successful, and it was clear he was working hard on his rehabilitation. When Li Ai had stubbornly dragged his injured leg to pursue lawsuits, it seemed like he had once thought of giving up as his leg worsened.

She didn’t know who had given him love, but now he was living such a healthy, positive life.

Not far away, several unfamiliar young girls were sitting, probably the girlfriends of the teammates.

Holding the basketball, Zhao Xiaorou’s heart seemed to tremble with worry as she watched Li Ai’s steps—does he have a new girlfriend?

Has he already forgotten her? In the three years he’s known her, did he ever like her a little bit amidst her enthusiasm?

During halftime, a girl with brown-dyed hair handed water to everyone, then exchanged a smile with Li Ai. Zhao Xiaorou’s hand loosened, and the basketball rolled away.

Li Ai turned around and saw her. Before she could run away, she tripped over her own shoelaces.

She crouched down in a panic to tie her shoelaces. A pair of somewhat dirty basketball shoes appeared in front of her—it was Li Ai.

He crouched down, only a few centimeters away from Zhao Xiaorou, and reached out to help her tie her shoelaces.

Zhao Xiaorou had once complained at REGARD that shoelaces were the worst invention in the world, as if the person who invented them did so just to make trouble.

Especially for those with clumsy hands—she was never fit to be a celebrity when it came to tying bows or ties.

Li Ai’s tone was cold: “You came here to play basketball?”

“Just getting some exercise...”

“You live a 20-minute taxi ride away, and you came all the way here just to play basketball?”

Zhao Xiaorou was speechless. She suddenly realized her usual sharp tongue had failed her. No matter how many boyfriends she had before, she never let anyone off easy.

But Li Ai was squatting in front of her, not even looking up, and his questioning tone was devoid of warmth. Normally, she would have had a hundred retorts, but she just sat there, watching him carefully tie her shoes—no matter how fierce a man was, tying shoelaces was still like making a bow.

“Are you really busy lately?”

“Mm. Basketball is part of my rehab. I took on some renovation cases, dealing with the construction team, a bit of a hassle.”

“Not avoiding me?”

“Hide?” Li Ai sneered, his smile not reaching his eyes. “What is there to hide?”

“I broke up with Ma Liang.”

“I know...”

She started speaking faster, her voice trembling as if on the verge of crying. “I miss you...”

Li Ai’s hand paused for a second before he stood up. “This is not your safe haven.”

“I didn’t mean anything else by that...” She thought she would explain herself confidently, saying things like how she was an independent woman wanting to try love for the first time, but in the end, Ma Liang had deceived her, and now she was here for friendship... none of it was true.

Zhao Xiaorou, who once never needed to think twice before speaking, felt more clumsy than ever, her thoughts a tangled mess. Her teeth were chattering, her mind racing with confusion.

She had prepared for this moment for so long, yet when it came to explaining herself, she found no words. She just held onto the basketball, which was now dirty from the mud. “I’ll leave now...”

Zhao Xiaorou, who had carefully planned her outfit, specifically showing her legs, now couldn’t remember why she had dressed up. The basketball in her hands had soiled her palms, and her mind was blank. The night sky was clear, and the moon shone pale and seductive on her. Without paying attention to the path, she missed a step and tumbled down the twelve-step staircase, scraping both her knees and arms.

The ball rolled farther away, symbolizing the smooth yet distant friendships she only picked up when necessary.

She felt defeated, thinking back to when she had mocked Hu Xiu for her heartbroken state—now she was experiencing it herself.

A hand appeared beside her—it was Li Ai. Her heart raced again, and the thought that he might think she was pretending made her push him away—

This entire unscripted scene felt like it was pushing her back onto the stage of hypocrisy.

She had long lost the will to continue this charade.

“Can you get up?”

The bruise on her ankle was already turning a deep purple. She propped herself up, in pain but not intending to accept Li Ai’s help. “I’m fine, you should go play basketball.”

“What basketball? You’re like this.” Li Ai bent down. “You twisted your ankle. Go to the intersection, take a cab, and get an emergency consultation at the Sixth Hospital.”

“It’s really not necessary.”

Li Ai didn’t move. “Is one more thing to trouble me really such a big deal?”

The intersection was only two hundred meters away. Zhao Xiaorou rested her head against the hood of his gray sweatshirt and caught a whiff of his scent, hearing his breath. So close yet so unfamiliar.

She had often thought before that Li Ai would always appear like a hero by her side, his body, his warmth, everything would eventually belong to her.

Now, however, she didn’t dare tighten her hold on his arm or say another word. Tears silently dripped into her palm, absorbed into her sleeve, wetting her hat without a chance to catch them, and she couldn’t let him know.

She didn’t want to make any more moves in front of Li Ai that might be misunderstood as pretense.

At that moment, it suddenly started to rain. The raindrops grew heavier, and in the last ten meters before they reached the taxi, it poured down in torrents. Her hair and face got wet—thank God.

After watching a play and having dinner with Diao Zhiyu, Zhao Xiaorou had planned to go to her escape room, but Diao Zhiyu didn’t seem interested.

Lately, whenever escape rooms or script killing games came up, he seemed unenthused.

The rain was light at first, and Diao Zhiyu said it was so mild they wouldn’t get wet walking home.

But just three seconds later, it turned into a downpour. He opened his coat and wrapped Hu Xiu in it. They stood under the rain waiting for it to stop. Diao Zhiyu felt awkward. “Is my mouth enchanted?”

Listening to the sound of the boy’s heartbeat, Hu Xiu thought that the feeling of yearning for love was truly wonderful.

At this thought, she hugged Diao Zhiyu and said, “About what I said before, the advice about being an idol, I apologize to you.”

“Why bring this up suddenly?”

It was a topic from a month ago, and it seemed Diao Zhiyu didn’t think it was worth mentioning. But looking at his indifferent expression, it was clear that he had been waiting for this topic to come up again.

After all, sweet words and whispered affection were just painkillers, and the root of the illness wouldn’t heal on its own.

“I only saw the glamorous side of this industry and never asked you about your choices seriously. Encouraging you to do something you didn’t like when you were so confused—was thoughtless of me.”

Diao Zhiyu was silent for a moment, as if watching the rain, then finally spoke. “Do you know what I like most about you?”

“No, I don’t.”

“You understand me like no one else. You seem to know what I need at every stage... You’re too smart, and sometimes that intelligence and insight scares me. I have to admit, you’re right.

Back when we were on the Snowpiercer, I was a little afraid. I thought, why does this girl know what I’m going to do next? She seems to have foreseen my thoughts and is even more skilled than I am. She surprises me, like when she kissed me...”

“I like the unknown and freshness in you, but I’m also afraid of them. You told me I should be an idol actor and try it. I know you want to put me on a pedestal, and that’s where I belong. And in such a situation, I haven’t felt even a little bit of selfishness trying to hide it.”

The rain kept pouring harder. Diao Zhiyu took out an umbrella from his bag and held it over Hu Xiu’s head. “Let’s not talk about it—this rain is too heavy, let’s head home.”

The two of them seemed to have some kind of magnetism that drew the rain. Hu Xiu raised her voice above the rain, “Don’t worry about money. I can support you. If you want to be a stage actor, a theater performer, or an NPC in a murder mystery game, I’ll support you!”

“Really?”

“Yeah! If this is a low point for you, just think of it as an extended vacation.”

“Then... was what you said before, sincere?”

“What?” Hu Xiu stopped, her body stiffened under the rain.

“Not loving me, that was true, wasn’t it?”

“Of course not!” The rain hit the umbrella in rapid succession. Hu Xiu stopped, her heart suddenly sinking. He had always cared about this matter.

“When you said that, I began to wonder—do you like me, or do you like me as a product?”

“Don’t think I don’t understand idols. At its core, it’s a commodity—manipulated puppets.”

“Before, when you couldn’t forget Qin Xiaoyi, maybe it was because the soul I gave to Qin Xiaoyi moved you. The things you said last time suddenly made me realize, maybe what you liked was just the shell I wear.”

“It’s no different from the red-haired sister’s fondness for Qin Xiaoyi’s white suit—I’m a living, breathing person.”

“I’m sorry...”

“There’s no need to apologize. It’s just that when I think you don’t love me that much, I... feel really sad.”

He smiled. This smile was the same one Qin Xiaoyi would show when Lin Qiumei said, “I only see him as a brother.” It was a smile with a slight change at the corner of his mouth and his eyes.

A trace of hidden disappointment flickered briefly. She understood it—the same spark was back.

Loving and being unable to attain, that unwillingness, the expression of accepting reality yet feeling powerless to change it—that was the part she was obsessed with.

“You have no idea how much I love you. Since that moment when the big iron door on the Snowpiercer opened, like fate, my heart has never stopped longing for you. I fantasized about interacting with you, even draining my bank card just to catch one more glimpse of you. The thoughts that were stirred but left empty, the bitterness of longing.

Because of you, I’ve had that awkward, flushed feeling of adolescence again. Because you liked me just a little bit, I felt a joy that filled my heart with strength. And then, for me, you appeared at the train station, traveling thousands of miles…”

“The feelings from back then have never stopped. And when I saw the flicker of light in your eyes, I understood. I had become the safe harbor you sought.”

“And that, in turn, hurt your pride as an actor, extinguishing your spark.”

“How could I, because of myself, let you become an ordinary person? One day, you’ll realize that you were confined by love because, in your most vibrant years, you met someone like me who longed for stability. Do you really crave stability?”

Diao Zhiyu’s back was soaked. She pushed the umbrella handle toward him, the rain pouring into his neck, making her shiver. “Diao Zhiyu, from the moment I started liking you, you’ve long noticed my rhythm, right?

I watched Snowpiercer so many times, wanting to see you again, but I didn’t contact you—that was me waiting for you to take the initiative...”

“You’re simpler than I thought. Do you remember when I saw you on the windowsill but didn’t come down? Do you remember my kiss with Pei Zhen in Snowpiercer? I’ve had my own script with you.”

“My feelings for you are real, and when you weren’t so outstanding, my worries for you were real too.”

“You’re right. Without the persona of Qin Xiaoyi, now in this low point, my admiration for you indeed feels a little less.”

“If you really want me to fall madly in love with you again, you need to show your abilities. Right now, you’re in limbo, not finding a role that suits you. I’m willing to accompany you...”

“But I don’t want to anymore. Being with me like this makes me feel defeated. The way you look at me—whether with worry or care—makes me uneasy.”

He held the umbrella, lifted his head, took a deep breath, and after a few seconds, his throat moved. When he lowered his head again, he had returned to normal, but his eyes and nose were red.

His voice was still pleasant: “Maybe we rushed from being friends to a romantic relationship too quickly. I didn’t make you realize that I’m not that great. It’s my fault. So—”

The back of Hu Xiu’s head didn’t get wet from the rain. Her soaked back dried with body heat, but it would take time.

In Diao Zhiyu’s world, even if his heart was broken, he wouldn’t let her suffer.

His lips trembled, and he didn’t look at Hu Xiu, pausing for a long time without being able to say a word.

Hu Xiu recalled a particular ending she had triggered for Qin Xiaoyi. Before he raised the gun to kill everyone, he asked Lin Qiumei, “I’ll give you all my money, everything I’ve got. Will you be with me?”

It was only when Qin Xiaoyi had nothing left to lose that he scattered roses and threw money into the air in near madness.

This was the truest metaphor for reality: when you lose the thing you care about most, your soul trembles in pain.

He needed to venture out alone to become a better actor—he had realized that.

“Let’s break up...” Diao Zhiyu’s eyes were red. “If that’s what you want.”