Chapter 6

Your sharp tongue could probably get confiscated by subway security.

Gu Yi had butterflies in her stomach throughout the entire performance, so much so that she didn’t catch the end of Yu Dule’s act. She couldn’t recall who the later performers were either. All she remembered was the image of her reflection swimming in Liang Daiwen’s pitch-black eyes. By the time they sat down for a review session, her mind was completely blank. Liang Daiwen opened his laptop to check emails, and she sat not far away, watching his expressionless face illuminated by the white screen. He really was like a Faceless Man. When he stood up, she called out, “Bye, Faceless Man!”

Liang Daiwen turned back. “What did you call me?”

“They call you Faceless Man, like the one from Spirited Away.”

Liang Daiwen turned and left without so much as a ripple of emotion.

Yu Dule watched him leave and bumped Gu Yi’s shoulder with the back of her hand. “Enjoy sitting next to the handsome guy? You didn’t even look at the stage the whole time.”

“I did.”

“Then what did we perform?”

“…”

“See? You weren’t paying attention at all.” Yu Dule clicked her tongue. “From now on, her comedy material is just going to be love stories. Ounce’s quality open mic comedian count just dropped by one.”

“I did pay attention. Uncle Lu’s ‘deep-sea creature bikini’ bit was hilarious. And anyway, I’m not dumb. If I start doing relationship bits, I’ll lose followers. Isn’t stand-up basically part of showbiz?”

“A small venue like this is probably the amoeba of the entertainment industry. But someone did sneak a recording the other day. It ended up online, and your bit about your roommate’s funeral plans got over ten thousand shares. If we caught them on-site, we could’ve deleted it immediately. Now it’s too late.”

“Are you kidding me? Don’t they have any morals? Do they know how hard it is to write these jokes? Ounce strictly prohibits recording. These jokes are meant for self-deprecation and release. On the internet, they’ll absolutely get torn apart.” Gu Yi fumed. “How could such a niche form of entertainment get infiltrated like this? If stand-up is going viral, it should at least be the official recordings we release ourselves, right?”

She suddenly froze. “Oh no. Oh no.”

She dashed outside just in time to see Liang Daiwen getting into a cab. She ran over to block the door. “Can you give me a ride?”

The utterly baffled Liang Daiwen was halfway into the car, one long leg stretched across the backseat. After hearing her story, he calmly said, “I’ll go back with you.”

Gu Yi’s scalp tingled. “That’s really not necessary. If they don’t know about it, I’ll just apologize to settle things. If they do find out, I’ll go back and take the scolding myself. If I bring you along, it’ll be a public execution for me.”

“The car can’t stay parked here too long. If you don’t need me, I’ll close the door and get my own ride.”

Gu Yi shoved herself into the car. “Go, go, go.”

Inside, she watched the stolen video and its comments, her face alternating between red and pale. The more “LOL”s she saw, the more her head ached. And the phrase “highly recommended” felt like someone pelting her with eggs. No matter how funny a joke is, being caught by the subject is like a public flogging. She thought about her bit on burial customs and covered her face, inhaling sharply. What a disaster. Truly a disaster. There was no way her roommates wouldn’t see it with over ten thousand shares.

Beside her, Liang Daiwen gazed out the window, completely detached, letting the streetlights sweep over his face and shoulders like a shimmering shawl. She cautiously suggested, “You can just wait outside. The code is 096713. If things go south, you can come in. Does that work? I’ll treat you to supper after I apologize.”

Liang Daiwen had his eyes closed, leaving it unclear whether he was asleep or pretending not to hear anything, arms crossed like a noblewoman.

Gu Yi brought Liang Daiwen upstairs, repeatedly emphasizing not to barge in unannounced. However, they hadn’t even reached the door when they heard her two female roommates complaining. Gu Yi thought, Well, it’s like facing the executioner anyway—just get it over with. After all, I still have three months left here.

Entering the six-digit code was like starting a countdown to being blasted: three, two, one.

The door opened and was quickly shut again. The living room, shaped like a right-angled triangle, had four roommates lined up on either side. Male Roommate 1 still held a copy of Standard Japanese, rolled up like a Gatling gun. Most awkwardly, the glass table in the living room displayed a video—playing and replaying that cremation scene. 

For a moment, Gu Yi didn’t know where to start explaining.

Discontent arose quickly, beginning with Male Roommate 1: 

“So you’re a stand-up comedian?” 

“We had no idea you did stand-up comedy. Is stand-up comedy some kind of lawless land?” 

“Do you think being a comedian makes you untouchable, free to slander people however you like? We haven’t even looked down on you yet!” 

“Behaving inappropriately, being carried back by a man—have we looked down on you for that? Or for shuffling around the living room in slippers, making a racket? So you just sit there and spin stories about us, huh? How are we supposed to live as roommates like this, huh? Speak up!” 

Each person built on the previous accusation, creating a Fibonacci sequence of indignation. Gu Yi hunched over, apologizing, “Calm down. I didn’t name names. If anyone feels offended, it’s my fault.”

She hadn’t realized before how loud her two female roommates could shout. 

The first one snapped: 

“You’re the one talking about burials! I only bury sand in the house to deal with my dampness—is that a crime?” 

Gu Yi glanced at her acne-ridden jawline and back, unsure whether the sand was too dirty or if it actually worked for expelling dampness. 

The second female roommate was equally upset: 

“Stop using us for your material. We’re not lesbians! If you can’t afford to rent, then move out and live alone.” 

Male Roommate 1 chuckled from behind: 

“But the burial joke was hilarious.” 

Female Roommate 1 slammed the door shut. Female Roommate 2 cracked it open just enough to glare at the two men and Gu Yi with venomous eyes: 

“We’re just co-renters, with separate lives. Mutual respect is a basic principle. Otherwise, I’ll report this to the landlord.” 

Report? Over a stand-up comedy video?

Gu Yi’s heart skipped a beat, feeling a bit hurt. She really wanted to clarify: 

1. Everyday material is either fictional or exaggerated—why take it out of context and blow it up? 

2. Jokes are painstaking creations; recording them without permission is clearly wrong, so why insult the creator instead? 

3. Yes, I was wrong to use you for material, but your sand therapy does kind of mess up the living room... 

But any attempt at explaining would only make things worse. From the room came sounds of shoveling sand and turning on the air conditioning. It seemed her roommates were gearing up for another sand therapy session.

Looking down, she saw her WeChat notifications had disappeared. Blocked. Blocking someone on WeChat and Weibo and reporting their public account—this was the modern urbanite’s method of executing an enemy. 

Male Roommate 1 retreated to his room to study Japanese. The remaining male roommate lowered his voice, speaking with a hint of menace: 

“You even wrote me as gay in your bit. Should I verify if I’m actually straight or not?” 

“No need,” Gu Yi exhaled. “That was just material. At most, it’s true that I have two male and two female roommates, and there’s a sand steaming basin. Don’t take it personally.” 

The male roommate, emboldened by her guilt-ridden expression, suddenly said: 

“I actually like you. Don’t be shy. Did the guy who carried you back the other day sleep over?” 

“Please watch your words...” 

“I’m serious about wanting to date you. You’re lively and outgoing, and I don’t have a girlfriend right now. It’s perfect. Think about it—if we dated, you wouldn’t need to come home alone at night anymore. Heck, you wouldn’t even need to go out.” 

As he finished, he grabbed her hand. No matter how she struggled, she couldn’t pull away. Gu Yi was baffled by his chaotic logic. Someone who couldn’t articulate himself yet dared to chase a girl—this had to be some PUA nonsense. He was practically delivering a sexual harassment seminar. 

Inside the room, the sound of poorly pronounced Japanese syllables continued. Gu Yi suddenly understood why Male Roommate 1 could never learn the kana chart—perhaps he was the only enlightened one in this house full of chaos, tasked with spiritually transcending her. 

At that moment, the door code sounded from outside. Gu Yi suddenly remembered Liang Daiwen was still out there. The tall man, standing over 1.8 meters, strode in with his arms crossed. He radiated an oppressive aura, instantly crushing the inappropriate male roommate both in stature and appearance. Hearing the syllables from the room, Liang Daiwen asked, 

“Does someone in your house practice Buddhism?” 

Gu Yi was stunned. His sharp tongue was so dangerous it should be confiscated by subway security.

But Liang Daiwen wasn’t done: 

“She’s not staying here anymore.” 

Huh? I can’t afford to move out! How can you just decide that I won’t stay here anymore? Gu Yi gaped at him in disbelief. Liang Daiwen calmly replied, “I’ll help you pack. You’re moving out.” 

The male roommate, intimidated by this unexpected savior, stammered: 

“I didn’t do anything.” 

“You’re thinking of doing something, aren’t you? I was ready to call the police from outside. I have recordings—don’t think I couldn’t hear everything.” 

The male roommate’s hand still hadn’t let go: 

“And who are you to her? Slept with her, have you?” 

Gu Yi’s heart raced. If Liang Daiwen had been inspired by K-dramas, now would be the perfect time to suavely declare “her boyfriend,” creating a scene complete with soft pink lighting and a protective kiss. This would also confirm his feelings for her—why else would he show up at her house? 

Instead, he replied with an icy: 

“Her stand-up gatekeeper.” 

You choose now to crack a bad joke?!

Breaking free of the male roommate’s grip, Liang Daiwen followed Gu Yi into her room. His first words were: 

“So messy.” 

Then he sat down, showing no intention of helping her tidy up. Gu Yi’s temper flared. He had strutted in, played the hero, and forced her into losing a month’s rent, only to criticize her room now? All the glory—and the headache—was his! 

Gu Yi swore this wasn’t her usual state of affairs; she had simply been interrupted by inspiration mid-cleaning. Clothes draped over the bed and chair back remained unwashed, underwear hung on the wardrobe and window, and the hospital’s glaring lights outside shone through, reading “Emergency Room.”

She really wanted to call 120 and have herself taken away.

Liang Daiwen put the laptop into the bag, neatly wrapping the data cable, then stood behind Gu Yi, observing the books on her shelf. There was a four-tier bookshelf by the bed, filled with literary works—she liked Salinger, McCullers, and Carver... The very bottom row held comedy screenwriting textbooks, but they were barely touched. Her body occasionally brushed against Gu Yi’s, and her heartbeat quickened. After all, it was a bedroom, and the bed hadn’t been made. The proximity between urban men and women, in such close quarters, is not something easily handled.

The next moment, Liang Daiwen coldly went through the things Gu Yi had packed into a box, tidying them up. As he did so, he remarked, “Your packing skills are poor.”

“If you say that again, get out.”

Liang Daiwen seemed to not hear her: “The fault of voyeurism lies with others, not you. Making generalizations isn’t your fault either. People who don’t understand how to avoid offending others are like those who screenshot movie subtitles without knowing the movie’s name, showing no interest in understanding it.”

“I get it—you don’t have to watch stand-up comedy.”

“Are you still writing jokes?”

“Of course, writing jokes is something I live by. I can live without love, without money, but I must have jokes.”

“For jokes, you’ve been harassed by your roommate. Are you sacrificing for the art?”

“...Can we be considered friends?”

“If not, you can pay for the service fees.”

Gu Yi was left speechless, like a mute. Liang Daiwen’s biting words were like a banned substance: “Using emotional appeals can be quite effective. If he sells you a sob story, you might think he deserves forgiveness.”

“Because good and bad in this world can’t be generalized. Never mind, I won’t argue with you. I’ll think about where to stay next.”

“You can stay at my place temporarily.”

Huh? Gu Yi turned around just in time to bump into Liang Daiwen’s chest, noticing a mole on his cheek, perhaps a dimple too. The distance was so close, Gu Yi could feel his body warmth, which was comforting. Her thoughts scattered like Morse code, and after much effort, all she could think was: I can’t do this so quickly. I’ve only watched a few stand-up shows and now you want to help me move? You’re underestimating me.

Liang Daiwen turned away without reacting, leaving Gu Yi’s heartbeat to become a joke.

Once most things were packed up, Gu Yi suddenly received a message from Jacqueline about scheduling. Sitting on the suitcase, she typed in Excel on her phone, her eyes starting to blur. Liang Daiwen looked at the large boxes piled on the bed: “Everything’s packed, should I call for a ride?”

“Yeah, call a freight truck, I’ll pay.”

Gu Yi was still replying to Jacqueline’s message, muttering: “A big truck. A small one definitely won’t fit. This is two suitcases and six bags.”

Half an hour later, a six-wheeled truck arrived at the entrance of the complex. The night shift driver looked at the eight pieces of luggage and two people, looking a bit confused: “Is everything here?”

“Yes...”

Gu Yi finally realized that the large freight trucks often seen on highways, shaking the roads with their heavy loads, are about the same size as a big freight delivery truck. Liang Daiwen obeyed her instructions like a robot. The driver, wearing a rather amused expression, said, “Miss, this is using a sledgehammer to kill a chicken.”