Chapter 52

Breakups come with a kind of unhelpful blessing, accompanied by the side effects of misused bodies.

“Gu Yi, 27 years old, at the time the editor-in-chief of the ‘Bypass’ official account under ‘Yizhou,’ senior copywriter, with three years of work experience. Excellent proposal communication skills, proficient in various writing styles, with rich insights into market consumer demographics, and great visual aesthetics. Her work quality is high, with sharp viewpoints.”

After updating her resume, Gu Yi suddenly realized that she was no longer a newcomer in the workplace. Once her resume was posted, headhunters would be contacting her—she wasn’t exactly disgusted by working at Yizhou, but she just didn’t want to see places where she and Liang Daiwen had been together. The company building downstairs, Ounce, the Van Gogh gallery, Korean food restaurants... as long as it was a place they had visited together, she didn’t want to see it. The memories twisted in her mind, hard to erase. When two people break up, the one who walks away first never understands how painful it is for the one left behind.

Gu Yi had even removed the camera at the door. Standing in front of the camera, cutting the wires must have seemed decisive, and the final moment of cutting it must have been cool. Liang Daiwen, that liar, could go to Dalian, to the United States, or even to Mars—it didn’t matter. Anyone who could lie so many times wouldn’t care about cameras anymore. She wouldn’t let him see her in such a vulnerable state.

Though deep down, a part of her felt that Liang Daiwen wasn’t lying.

At work, her performance was still decent, though she occasionally spaced out. Her efficiency was even higher than before. For the third quarter, everyone had to report their target data to Jacqueline. Jacqueline, who insisted that every number in the Excel sheet be accurate, would mark the expected reads and follower growth for each article, asking Gu Yi to create topic articles that would ensure wide reach. Gu Yi tried to focus but struggled to sync with Jacqueline. After finishing the work, Jacqueline asked her, “You’ve been off lately. Are you planning to leave?”

Gu Yi looked up; Jacqueline was staring at her computer—she was the only one who noticed something was off.

“I won’t agree to your resignation. Have you become independent? Have you gained 500,000 followers for the official account? Can you plan and operate an entire brand with multiple topics?”

“That’s PUA. Who said I need to hit all the KPIs to resign?”

“No. If you leave now, Pony will take over the account. She’ll get a salary bump.”

Gu Yi realized how much Jacqueline disliked Pony. It was rare to see Jacqueline actually consider her as part of the team. Being low on energy didn’t mean she wasn’t working hard. Bypass’s data was very good. Jacqueline finally gave her a rare serious look, fiddling with her phone: “I’m not asking you to be like me—ruthless and heartless. It’s normal to feel down. Everyone has a low point. I have a friend who organizes women’s salons. She mentioned that there’s a female stand-up comedian at Ounce who’s really good. She’s even suggested I go watch. I didn’t realize it was you. I’ll send you her WeChat, but don’t let it affect your main work. You can leave now.”

As Gu Yi was about to leave, Jacqueline suddenly stopped her: “I’ve hurt people I liked at work, and I’ve been hurt in return. The feeling of stabbing someone is worse than being stabbed because it’s as if you’ve personally destroyed the relationship. But loving too much makes it impossible to be together. The relationship becomes a binding force. Just like the meaning of your Ounce—you know, love only needs one ounce. Focus more on your work. If you meet him again, and there’s still love to give him, you can give just a little. Love in small doses is medicine, while too much love is a disaster.”

This analogy made Gu Yi’s heart tremble.

It felt like all her friends were trying to be considerate about her breakup. Guan Xingxin invited her over to hang out, saying she’d kicked Yu Dule out so they could have a girls’ night after her livestream. Her house still had cornflowers on display, and Guan Xingxin had baked waffles, pulling out a bottle of Baileys: “I’m live at 8 PM. I’ll cut it short, and we can chat afterward.”

Gu Yi didn’t want to be on camera, so she hid by the side, drawing cartoons on her iPad, treating the live chat like field research. Guan Xingxin had become livelier since she started doing stand-up, occasionally spicy in her humor, probably from mixing with comedians for too long. Someone in the chat commented, “Did you notice the cool vibe I give off?” Guan Xingxin, dressed as Leila, replied, “Oh, do you have rheumatoid arthritis? Better get it treated.” Another commenter kept spamming, “The first time I saw you, I even figured out where we’d bury each other.” Guan Xingxin smiled and lowered her voice: “I’ll be burned to ashes and scattered at sea. And to this friend who sent rockets, ‘Heartbroken for 20 days,’ is your breakup better? I remember you saying your boyfriend was ugly but cheated. Next time, go for a handsome guy, they won’t hurt you. Ugly guys will leave you bruised. They’re insecure and need to prove their charm by cheating with any woman. Keep coming to my livestream, Leila’s here for you...”

Bit by bit, it seemed like she was slowly building her resolve to break away from her parents. After the livestream, Guan Xingxin pulled Gu Yi into a hug: “In front of four parents, I pretend to be filial. In front of men, I pretend to be gentle. In front of anime characters, I pretend to be a two-dimensional girl. I’m about to split into pieces. It’s only when I’m with you that I don’t need to pretend. You know? Lu Ming rejected me. He said he wanted to focus on paying off debts.”

“I know.”

Guan Xingxin was a bit surprised: “He really talks too much. I was just testing him, and I got the standard outcome. He didn’t really want to be in a relationship, just enjoying the flirtation. Once a man has a child, especially without custody after a divorce, his obsession runs deep. It’s okay, though. I’m going to push myself and make a decision to be with Yu Dule next.”

“Actually, I could have been in a relationship long ago, but you’ve been wavering.”

“I have to observe— I want to know what he sees in me. My mom is always thinking about the house that Chen’s mom gave as a dowry, and since I’m the daughter, the house will be my in-laws’ property in the future— she won’t allow a man who is useless to benefit from it. Many men think I’m beautiful and assume I’m a carefree, pleasure-seeking girl, but that’s not an option in my life. My mom constantly reminds me that I used to be blind. But enough about me— how have you been lately?”

“Fine. Everyone thinks I’m not, but I’m okay. The two weeks I stayed behind were the hardest for me.” Gu Yi took the wine glass from Guan Xingxin and downed it in one gulp. “I was so angry when Liang Daiwen showed me the flight ticket to Dalian at the airport, but I also felt relieved— he lied to me, and that made me less obsessed with it.”

“Oh my god, this is pure vodka.” Guan Xingxin paused for a few seconds. “Actually, there’s something I want to tell you in secret. Dr. Shen told me not to say anything, but I think this is different from patient confidentiality— friends should know.”

“What is it? Is his emotional disorder relapsing? Maybe it’ll get better when he meets the next girl. Like the dried flowers and dog food in the house, each ‘memento’ is a beautiful proof of love...”

“Liang Daiwen’s dad had a stroke. He rushed back to see his dad one last time. Fortunately, his dad was rescued and is fine now, with his stepmother by his side. But when Dr. Shen saw Liang Daiwen in the US, his condition… was mixed. The good part is that he’s feeling more things, but the bad part is that his emotions are hard to control. He often needs painkillers.”

Gu Yi stared at Guan Xingxin blankly. Guan Xingxin frowned. “Dr. Shen said that when someone with emotional disorders feels overwhelmed, they can’t distinguish between emotional pain and physical pain, so they’re often confused. Liang Daiwen used to take painkillers and visit the hospital for stomach issues. His diet was very limited, just to control his emotions. With all the recent blows, he’s probably going through something like biological evolution— after work, he knocks on Dr. Shen’s door every day, disturbing Dr. Shen so much he can’t sleep…”

“Is he okay…” Gu Yi couldn’t help asking.

“Dr. Shen said he only has one thing to say about his condition— ‘I’m done.’ Dr. Shen doesn’t know what he meant.”

Gu Yi didn’t sleep all night. Guan Xingxin was sleeping next to her, and she quietly got up, took a taxi home, and opened the door to find her white sneakers neatly placed. There were still smudges from dust, the kind of smudge where Liang Daiwen had quickly crouched down and rubbed his shoe on the ground, an action that seemed so decisive— he was known for his obsessive cleanliness. Looking at the camera packed into the box, Gu Yi moved a chair, opened the door, and installed the camera again. It was three in the morning, the noise disturbing the neighbors: “Scared me to death, you should install it during the day!”

She seemed to have developed a paranoia, whispering as she installed the camera. Once it was done, she stood in the hallway, a little discouraged. Liang Daiwen probably wouldn’t be able to see her anymore.

But the signal failed, and many unsaid words could now be spoken, as if to herself.

“Liang Daiwen, you silly goose. You could’ve just told me your dad was sick.” She crouched on the floor, staring at the camera. She couldn’t cry, but that was fine.

“Do you know? After you left, my time stopped. I don’t speak, don’t socialize, and I don’t want to use socializing to heal. This way, I get things done more efficiently because the pressure is lower, and the clients are easier to deal with. Did you scare off clients like this? Or maybe our communication was always ineffective.”

“My dentures hurt a little— I was researching a topic recently and went to a beauty clinic for an experience. They used photon therapy on my front teeth, and porcelain sensitivity hurts. Weird, right? Thanks to you, I had a new experience. I must be a new experience for you too, right? You’re a new experience for me. I hurt your arm, you knocked my tooth out, I gave you a strawberry mark, you returned a kiss… it’s like we were bargaining. It doesn’t matter, you can’t see me now.”

“Jacqueline seems to know about us now, and she insists on me not quitting. She really understands more and more, like a sister who says one thing but means another. Huang Wendai and she seem to have stabbed each other in the back at work. I’m really reluctant to quit. There’s not much you can do with a journalism degree, and the kind of writing I like doesn’t make money. But we have to use the more profitable work to support that passion. I still know how to do stand-up. Maybe when you come back, I’ll be a famous actor elsewhere. I saw my idol on this year’s stand-up variety show…” Gu Yi laughed. “It feels like I’m talking as if you’re already gone. I really don’t know how to face you, maybe Jacqueline’s words are right.”

She made a “heart” gesture with her hand, which probably meant: love is most precious when it’s in small moments.

On the weekend, Gu Yi finally wanted to rest at home, but Yu Dule and Guan Xingxin took her out to eat spicy seafood, then to Häagen-Dazs for ice cream hot pot, making sure she wouldn’t be alone. The two of them were even planning where to take her next week. Gu Yi watched the ice cream melt into the chocolate and harden into a crispy shell, staring blankly. Guan Xingxin shook her head: “Oh my god, her expression is exactly like Liang Daiwen’s.”

“Where’s the similarity? Liang Daiwen couldn’t smile, she’s lost her mind. Gu Yi, listen to me, go do stand-up, submit a script for a variety show, anything. It’s not to get over the breakup— it’s these precious materials, don’t waste them.”

Guan Xingxin shoved Yu Dule hard: “Shut up.”

While Guan Xingxin went to the bathroom, Yu Dule said, “Help me out in a few days, I’m going to confess to Guan Xingxin.”

“Okay, I got it. Can I borrow your electric bike?”

“Don’t do anything reckless.”

“What could I do? Run over someone with the bike?” Gu Yi grabbed the key, put on the helmet, and left. The wind blew her neck and hair back, and she thought, what’s the big deal? The scenery is so nice, and heartbreak is just a waste of life.

But she was still heartbroken beyond belief. The bike wound around a path she had never taken before, like climbing a slope, like a gentle mountain road. Surrounded by taxis and private cars, she absent-mindedly thought, maybe this is a kind of safety. If she could stop now and take out her phone, she would write a message in the file transfer assistant, but there were his traces in there too, and she couldn’t open it. The bike couldn’t stop either.

“I thought that by the age of twenty-seven, I would at least be a senior in life. No longer so inexperienced, no longer panicking over the smallest things, handling problems more maturely, maybe having a boyfriend to share rent with, living a pretty life. But now I realize that this age is just the beginning—completely at a loss, no answers in love. It’s not exactly bleak, but every day just drags on... Look, it even rhymes. My cursed life.”

A car drove by, and the driver looked back at her with a strange expression. Gu Yi, wearing a helmet, glared back. What’s the big deal with a girl riding an electric bike? If it weren’t for the speed and the fact that she was going alone, how could she have witnessed the view of Lujiazui? This night view was the reason she stayed in Shanghai—glittering, distant stars, romance written into her very genes, not to mention the ripples under her feet...

She suddenly realized something was wrong. There was a police car behind her, and Gu Yi felt a pang of fear. The car sped up. The police car pulled in front of her and stopped. The officer, with a serious expression, asked, “What are you doing? Have you been drinking?”

“I...” Gu Yi focused her eyes and saw the Nanpu Bridge ahead—non-motorized vehicles weren’t allowed on the bridge, it was dangerous. The officer continued, “Didn’t you know you should take the ferry? You’re scarier than a woman driver. You don’t look like someone who doesn’t know the rules. Where’s your ID?”

“Woman driver, delicate skin...” It was full of gender and appearance discrimination. Just as she was about to retort, Gu Yi suddenly realized—the first time she’d said something like that was on the night of the bicycle joke, when she met Liang Daiwen, who never smiled. She had said on stage that she must accompany her bicycle, which she hadn’t seen in three years. After saying that, she glanced at him, expressionless in the audience. Even in the photo, she had covered his face—that was the start of her love story.

“I’m talking to you, where’s your ID?”

Unable to hold it in, she burst into tears. She wiped her palms and then used the back of her hand, her fingers brushing her lips, tasting the bitterness. The tears took their time to fall from her throat. The officer, unable to stop Gu Yi from crying, had no choice but to say, “Get in the car with us, let’s get you off the bridge. Young people have a lot of pressure, but you need to find other ways to relieve it. Do you know how dangerous this is?”

She was picked up by Xu Guanrui. Crying like two walnuts, Gu Yi, who the officer was reluctant to punish too harshly, was handed to Xu Guanrui: “You’re busy with work, but don’t forget to accompany your girlfriend. Young people can get spiritually empty, and when the pressure builds up, they might think of something drastic.”

Xu Guanrui gently held Gu Yi’s hand, politely agreeing to everything. It was as though he shouldn’t have appeared at this moment. He just walked with her down the road, saying nothing, like a GPS guiding her somewhere. He was the smartest man—despite the perfect opportunity to intervene as the third party, he didn’t say a word, not even a joke.

It was Gu Yi who broke the silence, “Say something. This is so awkward.”

“Recently, a band’s program is really popular. Do you remember the performance I took you to? The band you’ve liked for ten years might be reuniting—just a rumor, don’t tell anyone.”

“Anything else?”

“Huang Wendai is pursuing Jacqueline, but she’s completely ignoring him. They’re in a tortured love, but to avoid feeling lonely, Huang Wendai invites younger girls to lunch every day. One day, Jacqueline finally agreed to meet him, but she walked in on him having lunch with a group of girls. Don’t ask me how I know, I was at the table next to them. It was at the barbecue place downstairs from our building, smoky, and I could tell Huang Wendai was about to cry.”

This made Gu Yi genuinely laugh. Xu Guanrui suddenly said, “We’re here.”

Ahead of them was a fountain. Xu Guanrui smiled and pointed at the colorful water jets and the stairs: “When I’m in a bad mood, I often come here. Listen to some music I like, watch the water rise and fall, it’s cool in the summer... Don’t feel burdened. I have no delusions about you at the moment...”

Before he could finish, Gu Yi ran toward the fountain, getting drenched quickly. Xu Guanrui chuckled, “It’s not how you’re supposed to do this. Wait for me.” And he chased after her, “What’s the big deal? We’ll both get soaked.”

Gu Yi remembered the night Jacqueline had danced wildly at Ounce, and it occurred to her that when a person was in extreme sorrow, relaxing the body had some effect, especially when a companion was there. Even if the splashing water blurred her vision, someone could still steady her before she lost her balance. But heartbreak still brought an unhelpful blessing, with the side effects of misusing the body—cold, really cold.

But, in the end, it passed, didn’t it? Summer.