Chapter 27

What kind of chocolate cake gives you this much energy, a broken heart Snickers?

On the floor, there was an empty vodka bottle, and alcohol-scented tissues were thrown into the trash can. The entire room smelled of alcohol. Liang Daiwen, who didn’t drink, rummaged through the cabinet and found a bottle of red wine. He stared at the label for a while, his gaze slightly unfocused. Using a small knife, he cut through the seal and then slowly twisted the corkscrew into the cork, clumsily like someone trying to start a fire by rubbing wood together. The whole process was so suggestive that Gu Yi swallowed nervously.

With a “pop” sound, the cork came out smoothly. Gu Yi, jolted back to reality, shook herself. Sitting on the floor, Liang Daiwen glanced at her while holding the cork, not saying anything, and continued drinking with her, one glass after another, making it feel like a bond forged in blood. After both of them burped from the alcohol, Liang Daiwen leaned against the couch, staring straight ahead. His black shirt, now touched by her hands, had a button halfway undone, and his collar was still intact. Gu Yi sat on the other side, her mind clouded by alcohol and the pervasive scent in the air, her body heating up. At this moment, a thought crossed her mind—if a woman could stay diligently by a man’s side, with no sexual desire, and care for him tenderly, then this feeling should be called... maternal love.

But this feeling was about to change.

“I haven’t been able to catch any good stand-up comedy recently,” Liang Daiwen spoke first.

“You were really lucky a while ago. Meeting someone like me, you definitely used up some of your good fortune.”

Liang Daiwen pushed his finger at the corner of his mouth, seemingly trying to smile sincerely. Gu Yi didn’t know whether to feel relieved or heartbroken. He was progressing with time, like a fragile yet determined child, but because he had already grown up, he no longer received any praise from anyone.

“I haven’t been home much this past month. I designed handrails for a blind school’s staircase. I made a track along the wall of the stairs, one that could bear weight, so students with vision and mobility impairments could use it to go up and down smoothly. Guan Xingxin once told me about an experience she had when chatting with Dr. Shen. When she was a child, she learned many words, but the ones she felt closest to were ‘sea’ and ‘sky.’ They were vast and endless, just like the darkness she lived in. After gaining her sight, she found it difficult to accept the color blue because she always thought the sea and sky should be black.”

Gu Yi remembered how Yu Dule often gave Guan Xingxin blue cornflowers.

“When I can’t feel emotions, I always think of this metaphor from Guan Xingxin,” Liang Daiwen leaned back on the sofa. “Normal people get used to things, but when I can’t understand or accept something, I try to understand it in a different way, just like how Guan Xingxin thought the sea should be black. Some people might think I’m pathetic, but I think it’s just them looking down from a higher position; some say I’m hard to approach, maybe because they want something from me. There may be some distortions, but it’s not entirely wrong.”

Gu Yi looked around Liang Daiwen’s room and finally understood. Everything he had was the result of his skewed understanding. The term “empathy” was cruel to Liang Daiwen.

“Today, a blind girl came to my studio to thank me. Last week, I was invited to give a lecture. There was a girl, probably the class monitor, who came with her parents to the office. She said she wanted to be like me. When her parents went out to move the car, she suddenly blushed and asked if I would marry her. She was only fifteen. I think she probably wanted to fulfill a childhood crush. I told her, ‘You will meet someone who truly likes you and wants to spend their life with you. Marriage should be with someone who can promise that.’ But she only wanted to ask if I was willing. In that moment, when I said ‘I am willing,’ I meant it. Maybe I wanted her to be happy.”

“You are too kind.”

“Am I?” Liang Daiwen sat at the table, looking at his paper-cut fingers. “Maybe I was also thinking about my ex-girlfriend.”

Gu Yi felt as if she had been nailed to the spot.

“I once treated the people around me with the wrong understanding. My ex-girlfriend was like that. Back then, I was still a home designer, attending a Loewe party, sitting in the lounge drinking wine. She came over and asked if I could add her on WeChat. I said, ‘What, do you like me?’ She nodded. I said, ‘Then kiss me.’ She hesitated for a long time and left, but later told me she really wanted to kiss me but was too shy. The truth of that lounge conversation is that I followed the usual approach a normal man would take, talking to a girl so directly for the first time without feeling anything. But she later told me that the indifferent provocation had really struck her. That’s when I realized that even an emotionless lie could win a girl’s affection. Later, when she found out that I had an emotional disorder and wasn’t someone who could give love, and that the words I spoke in that lounge were all lifeless, we broke up.”

“...”

“But the strange thing is, when I think back on it, even though those words weren’t from the heart, they were still kind of beautiful. Maybe I’ll never experience it again. The first feeling is left for the first person, and no one else knows it. Over time, this memory that belongs to the two of us really left something in me. I became greedy, wanting to become a normal person...”

This was the first time Liang Daiwen had said so much—he was trying to open up, but he had chosen the most maddening part. He learned the greed normal men have only after realizing it too late from a breakup. Gu Yi felt a surge of jealousy, as if the possibility he had once thought impossible was now given to someone else, driving her mad with longing. What kind of girl would make him feel soft for a moment? Couldn’t she have him all to herself? The cake in front of her was shattered—that was the right thing, even if it wasn’t dropped to the ground after being taken away. Her jealousy burned fiercely. If Liang Daiwen were that cake, she would want to slice him up and devour him piece by piece, licking her fingers with greed, making sure no one else could covet him.

She had an overwhelming possessiveness. She had never realized it before, when she was at Liang Daiwen’s house. She suppressed her sadness and asked, “Then why did you change careers?”

“Anyone can do home design, but not everyone does barrier-free design. Google just set up this position. I want to do something for this misunderstood group. We all want to be understood, so I want to give it a try.”

“And feelings?”

“For the people I care about, I don’t want to pretend anymore. If I’m not completely sure I can handle it, I’ll be alone.”

She shuffled off to wash her hands, and Liang Daiwen said, “Are you hurt?”

“It’s nothing, my shoes don’t fit. Others put them on, I wouldn’t care about it myself.”

The person behind her suddenly stopped talking. She didn’t explain further, and the air carried a subtle creamy scent, a sweet, greasy smell tinged with the aroma of burning—because the fire was too strong, using a blowtorch when a lighter was enough.

Suddenly, she realized. The reason Liang Daiwen brought her home, called her to his place, was because he considered home to be an absolutely clean place, meant only for those he trusted, and that he absolutely wouldn’t have any other desires for anyone.

So the answer she got was—Liang Daiwen liked her, but he would never act impulsively; also, he hadn’t fully opened up, and there were many secrets she didn’t know.

But she couldn’t hold back anymore.

She grabbed her bag, slipped on her shoes, and stood in the hallway, about to walk out, but the shoe would scratch her band-aid. “Liang Daiwen, I won’t come to your house anymore.”

“Huh?”

“We’re no longer roommates. If you only see me as a friend, then today I slept on your couch, and you slept in your bed, and it seemed harmonious. But I’ve moved out. I’m no longer dependent on your boundaries, so you can’t just casually call me over to hang out anymore. I’m not someone to be treated casually, and I have other choices. Do you understand?”

While waiting for the elevator on the 14th floor, Gu Yi thought, Guan Xingxin had once warned her never to say things like “cutting ties” to Liang Daiwen, or she might really mess things up. But standing still, she couldn’t do it. Just like how “empathy” was cruel to Liang Daiwen, “sitting and waiting for death” was also something she couldn’t do. Guan Xingxin’s rhythm was her own, but Gu Yi’s rhythm was—she wanted to destroy the path Liang Daiwen’s robot-like mindset took.

The elevator doors opened, and she looked at the closing doors, feeling a bit sad. She thought to herself, goodbye. Even though this place held beautiful memories, she never wanted to come back. No one would want to endure humiliation again just to wait for someone.

The door suddenly opened with a hand slipping through the gap, causing Gu Yi to jump in surprise. The door fully opened, revealing Liang Daiwen, dressed in a black shirt. Did this person have some habit of getting caught by the door? Perhaps alcohol had an effect, but from her understanding, this was definitely a man who would never chase after someone. Yet, at this moment, with a pale face, he squeezed into the elevator just as the door closed behind him. The elevator slowly descended.

She stood frozen, completely stunned.

Under the white light, Liang Daiwen spoke: “I might... temporarily lack the ability to love someone else.”

“But I do. Have you thought about what will happen the day I lose patience?”

“You’ve stopped being patient, right?”

Gu Yi didn’t respond. The elevator reached the seventh floor, and in the dead of night, with no lights on from the 1st to the 15th floors, they were completely undisturbed.

The first button of Liang Daiwen’s collar was still tightly buttoned, his dark eyes clear. She suddenly made up her mind. Liang Daiwen, whether you are a patient or not, at this moment, you’re still the man I like—so much so that my heart could explode. If this were the last time I saw you, I couldn’t let it end like this.

She rose onto her toes and forcefully pulled at Liang Daiwen’s collar. The button came undone at that moment—the one she had undone earlier in front of the sofa. The collar opened, revealing a small patch of skin at his collarbone and a glimpse of his clean neck. Instinctively, Liang Daiwen pulled back slightly, trying to avoid her lips. Even now, the abstinent man was still avoiding her, seemingly determined to remain a devout priest.

But her target wasn’t his lips. She aimed directly for the small patch of skin on his neck and bit down hard. The scent of alcohol and woody perfume from Liang Daiwen lingered as he didn’t push her away at that moment. To be precise, she wouldn’t let him; she tightly grasped his collar, and with her ear pressed against his jawline, she could feel him clearly heating up. She sucked so hard that the elevator reached the first floor before she let go. A purple-red hickey now marred his fair neck, with visible capillary patterns.

She stepped back three paces and exited the elevator, her eyes never leaving Liang Daiwen’s stunned gaze. The elevator door closed, cutting off their sight. In the final moment through the door gap, she turned and walked away.

Walking out of the elevator, Gu Yi was hit with a cold wind. Before getting in, she had thought that if Liang Daiwen reacted, she might have a boyfriend, a complicated and painful love, which may not end well, but at least they’d have each other. But if he didn’t react, this night might mark the beginning of her heartbreak. However, that moment in the elevator had completely exceeded her expectations. Before leaving the neighborhood, she looked back at the bicycle she had left behind, deciding that she wouldn’t take it anymore.

She felt a little excited. Her body trembled but was full of strength. She was somewhat confused. What kind of chocolate cake had Liang Daiwen given her? Was it a heartbreak Snickers? Her life was hers to control. In the drama of love, she never needed anyone’s help, nor should she be led by fate. Isn’t it the unlucky star-picker’s job to rewrite the script?

“Hi. What are you doing here?”

Gu Yi looked up and saw Xu Guanrui, wearing a gray hoodie with the hood pulled over his head, slightly hunched from the cold. The nearest bar was two blocks away, so he must have been walking home from a drink and happened to bump into her. Gu Yi politely said, “A friend lives nearby. I’m just taking a taxi home.”

She hadn’t even opened the ride-hailing app yet. Gu Yi fiddled with her phone for a while, and Xu Guanrui, with his hands in his pockets, smiled and observed her, probably trying to guess where she had come from. Gu Yi felt embarrassed: “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“No, I just think it’s pitiful.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t you think you should be happier when you see someone you like? Three times now, and it’s always the same expression—dejected, wronged, unwilling. Who made a stand-up comedian look like this? Is it for your material?” Xu Guanrui stretched out his hand. “Ah, it’s starting to rain. Right on time.”

“What?”

“Nothing, just thinking it’s strange. Whenever I see you, it always rains.”

The rain was heavier than expected. Gu Yi was about to leave, but Xu Guanrui pulled her back by the arm, yanking down his hoodie. “Don’t go, let’s get rained on together. I’ll keep you company.”

“Are you crazy?”

“Last time, I just followed behind you after the jerk’s stand-up bit and helped you put on a band-aid. How awkward. Now there’s rain. Should I use this opportunity to clarify things?”

“My scraped place still isn’t healed...”

“What’s the point of nursing wounds? People are just creatures that reopen scars again and again.” His bangs were already wet, and one eye was tightly shut, likely from the rainwater. “Don’t be afraid of the pain. What’s the point of being afraid of pain?”

Gu Yi suddenly flicked the water droplets from her hand at his face. Xu Guanrui dodged slightly. “Hey, are we starting the game now?”

The rain splashed up with every step they took. Gu Yi, enduring the pain, ran along with Xu Guanrui for a long stretch. Their voices echoed through the empty street, and though her feet hurt, she suddenly felt playful, wanting to challenge the mischievous boy. They reached a bar nearby, the door left open, and music spilled out onto the street—The Weeknd’s “Starboy.” Xu Guanrui let out a chuckle and groaned, “I guess I have no chance of turning things around.”

Gu Yi laughed at his teasing. “Starboy”—the Chinese translation: stepping on starlight, a playboy with a few ships in the harbor. He took her hand and raised it above her head, signaling her to spin under his arm. In the rain, they danced carelessly, and the scent of musk mixed with tobacco surrounded them. Gu Yi’s hair was soaked, and her shoes were slipping. Xu Guanrui kept one hand around her for support, his actions filled with romantic chivalry. The carefree laughter felt natural. After always maintaining a tense expression, she was also tired.

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking, do you treat every girl this well?”

“Isn’t it my job to make girls happy? What, are you starting to want to claim me for yourself? I’m very expensive.”

“How expensive?”

Xu Guanrui raised one corner of his mouth and pointed to his chest, to where his heart was. Then, his finger touched her lips. “No more questions.” Gu Yi, drenched in the rain, looked at Xu Guanrui and smiled back. People inside the bar came out holding umbrellas, casting curious glances as if watching a couple of crazy people.

Looking back, that bloody kiss mark looked a bit like a heart. In her dictionary, there was indeed the word romance, and no one could easily deprive her of her freedom to be romantic.