Chapter 39

A trembling soul is actually the most fascinating—turbulent, restless, maybe it’s the way women stay beautiful.

Recently, there’s been a storm brewing in the office. Magazine sales have dropped, the influence of print media is weakening, brands have set up their own official accounts and hired advertising companies to handle operations. The company’s Q1 earnings are decreasing. Roger is back at the company, often holding large meetings. The Alaska office has been rearranged, with three rows of chairs packed tightly together for meetings where they listen to him pound the table while talking business. Yi Zhou is frequently singled out for criticism—its content is conservative, it doesn’t have big clients, and the department is disorganized... Jacqueline listens coldly, showing no reaction. Gu Yi thought for a moment; she knew the rumors about Jacqueline being poached, let alone the boss. Looking at her colleagues in the office, moving quietly between their desks, even things that could be communicated by standing up and talking were instead sent over WeChat. Those who had been trained were no longer free; those who had been tempered were no longer pure, even though their outcomes were well-adapted to society.

The main drama wasn’t over yet.

A tall, successful man walked in through the front door, politely asking for Jacqueline’s office before heading straight in. Gu Yi didn’t want to see this scene, but as she passed by Jacqueline’s office while making instant coffee, she saw the man in a brown shirt walking toward her. He clearly had the demeanor of someone in his thirties with power and intelligence, his face showing only slight puffiness from age, but mostly experience and capability. As he knocked on the glass door behind him, Gu Yi couldn’t help but glance back, only to see a look on Jacqueline’s face she had never seen before since joining the company—she looked like she had seen a ghost. Usually, her body temperature is almost a steady 26 degrees Celsius, but now, she seemed to be at 40 degrees.

The only person who could make Jacqueline react like this was Huang Wendao. Gu Yi pretended to tie her shoes and crouched beside a large bird-of-paradise plant, hoping to overhear their conversation—she swore she would never be this gossipy under normal circumstances, but it was all for Xu Guanrui’s happiness—no, she was just too curious. The conversation didn’t reveal much useful information, but Gu Yi did overhear Huang Wendao saying with some bitterness: “You don’t reply to so many messages, so you come to the office, where are you going to hide now? I think about you and I just want to grind my back teeth, wish you were dead.”

Jacqueline, however, remained calm: “You’ve got such deep hatred and yet you come to find me. Is there no woman your age who can work with you?”

“I guess only you would be willing to not marry, not have children, and be so ruthless for work. Of course, I didn’t come here today to see you, I’m looking for Roger. Whether or not you’re here doesn’t matter, it won’t stop me from talking business with your boss. He and I both work in asset management at the same company, we’ll have plenty to talk about. But you don’t have that much money to invest, your vision’s limited, all you do is eat at the office. I’m leaving now, but next Tuesday night I’ll be at Kōyō, waiting for you. Do you want to come to Beijing and give me an answer?”

After leaving, Huang Wendao casually walked upstairs to the Alaska meeting room, and the sound of laughter from him and Roger echoed through the company. Gu Yi returned to her desk, feeling a sudden sense of awe: after thirty-something, those who can be considered successful have unmatched vitality. The people her age she normally saw were worn out by work and family, their eyes dull, while they were like wolves in the wild—always hungry, always alert, even if they didn’t bite, they still showed their fangs, always staying vigilant. In that moment, Gu Yi even understood why Xu Guanrui couldn’t handle Jacqueline—settling down meant relaxing the vigilance one has toward life, and turmoil and unrest were another kind of security for women to maintain their youth.

As for what they mentioned about Kōyō, it was a famous kaiseki restaurant in the Bund’s Yifengyuan, a place that perfectly suited their style for a chat, at least there wouldn’t be any arguments in such a quiet setting. Returning to her desk, the intern sitting next to her was gossiping: “Believe it or not, this is already being spread all over the office. I don’t use WeChat, but all these work groups are like floating rafts, someone is bound to post the wrong thing.”

“Just don’t gossip then.”

“Can you hold it in? Jacqueline, the office Medusa, there’s hardly ever any love rumors about her, and now her ex is showing up at the office. Everyone probably can’t focus on work now.”

As soon as she finished speaking, Pony retracted a message, the content unseen, but it was easy to guess.

Gu Yi went to Manufacturing Bureau One to eat pizza with Xu Guanrui. Xu Guanrui was staring at his computer in frustration—several events he was in charge of had been canceled due to the misdeeds of the artists involved: a rapper and a star involved in an affair, a rock musician sleeping with a social media influencer and getting beaten up, illegal actions reported by the masses... As the organizer, he had to handle public relations, his brows furrowed in concentration. Gu Yi reached over and smoothed his forehead, and he immediately smiled, “This method of smoothing wrinkles works well.”

“You’re starting to get crow’s feet.”

“Annoying.” He suddenly had a bright idea: “How about doing an article interviewing musicians? Just a two-page spread will do.”

“Why suddenly this?”

“It’s for public relations, just to maintain the image. I’ll have the content department write it, you don’t need to. In the entertainment industry, they always prioritize topics and hype, which puts things upside down. Most singers and bands should remember that their work is their lasting asset. Tabloid news only distracts people from the music, and over time, their motivation for making music gets distorted. When my colleague signs artists, I always remind him to ask them what their original intention is. But now, with traffic being king, they also have to consider controversy and hype. It’s unfair to the pure-hearted ones.” Xu Guanrui’s seriousness toward his work made him seem completely unlike someone in the entertainment industry—meticulous, efficient, and extremely averse to distractions.

“Isn’t that the truth? Now I’m your traffic channel.”

“Thanks in advance. PR is all about achieving the best spread through various methods.”

Compared to the volume of online promotion, the “content” of most offline events doesn’t matter as much as the “actions.” Product launches, movie premieres, book signings, trending topics... Announcing the birth of something to the public is the mark of success. Gu Yi had once attended a small brand’s product launch, with a limited budget and few people, but after editing the photos, she still saw phrases like “a resounding success” and “rave reviews” in the media coverage—just like her article, it was all bought.

Of course, she wouldn’t brush Xu Guanrui off; a good topic was right in front of her. Besides, the fashion section rarely had anything other than luxury and beauty ads, and things like this were so rare she almost forgot they were a lifestyle magazine. She couldn’t help but probe: “Good thing you asked early. If you’d waited another couple of months, the big boss might have thrown me into the WeChat public account, and I wouldn’t even have a say in the magazine layout.”

“Are you trying to choke me? I’ve been working for so many years, crawling and struggling. But this person I like has some talent in this area. One PR case she did back in the day went viral with a brainwashing ad, you’ve definitely heard of it.”

“What’s that?”

“Coca-Cola is for cleaning toilets.”

Gu Yi laughed so hard she nearly choked on the pizza. With a calm expression, Xu Guanrui spoke about Jacqueline, and he probably really was planning to break up—there was no longer much warmth in his words. He must have learned a lot of these tricks from Jacqueline, after all, the PR Weibo of Guan Xingxin was guided by Jacqueline.

She really had taught a lot of useful tricks to the people around her. If she really went to Beijing, forget Xu Guanrui breaking up—she’d be reluctant too. A girl was secretly taking photos on the third floor, and Gu Yi pretended to fix her hair to cover her face, but Xu Guanrui reached over and tucked a strand behind her ear: “What’s there to hide when you’re with me?”

“They’re trying to take pictures of you.”

“Let them take it.”

“Really narcissistic. I’ll pass. Comedy actors should stay low-key.”

“It’s normal for a handsome guy to have girls around him, you’re not bad-looking, and I feel like you’re smarter than them. After all, they’re still at the stage of secretly taking pictures and thinking I’m handsome, while you, on the second meeting, are already using jokes to humiliate me.”

“That time was really a coincidence.”

“I’ve never sat in broad daylight with a girl I like like this before—just kidding. You’ll definitely rise. Right now, you’re in your dormant period, or maybe your opportunity hasn’t come yet. Don’t let your colleagues and superiors influence you. Once your abilities exceed your position, just leave.”

“Can’t I get promoted?”

“It’s meaningless. Your direct superior has such a strong desire to control, the longer you stay, the longer she’ll suppress you. She won’t give you any of what she holds. In the end, your salary might cap out at fifteen thousand a month. As long as you work in the company, you’re earning an hourly wage. A high monthly salary means more overtime, but when you break it down, it’s not worth it.”

Direct and cruel, it almost feels tragic—Xu Guanrui really didn’t treat her like an outsider. Gu Yi rolled her eyes and pretended to gossip: “Today, her so-called ex-boyfriend appeared—an insider intern told me the story of her ex, and now he’s here to poach Jacqueline to go to Beijing to partner up. The company seems to specialize in using big data for public opinion and reputation management.”

Xu Guanrui silently finished the last slice of pizza: “Rabbit, you’re really my good comrade.”

Gu Yi pretended not to understand.

Shanghai at the end of April was still very humid, and even the rainy nights felt sticky, with footsteps that sounded like muddled confessions of love. Xu Guanrui had a bottle of beer, then took a taxi to Jacqueline’s place. He entered the password—620122, Jacqueline’s and his own birthdays. It was midnight, Jacqueline should have finished work by now and would be taking a bath. She was singing in the bathroom—someone almost 35 years old, who didn’t like Wang Fei at all and didn’t look as retro as she appeared, singing pop songs like those in a car CD bought from the street... Her appearance was cold, her behavior childish, deliberately lowering her voice to create an aura, but her leisure time was all about tacky tastes.

This was what he always found cute about Jacqueline.

He opened the wardrobe, took out the jeans and shirt to pack, and tossed the T-shirt into a paper bag. In just a few moves, it was full. After her bath, Jacqueline sat on the couch and handed him a can of cola: “What are you doing? Go take a shower.”

“I came to take my things.” Xu Guanrui looked at her. “Let’s break up.”

Jacqueline loosened her grip, and the cola can slipped onto the coffee table: “The thing fell, I didn’t hear you clearly, what did you say?”

“I don’t want to continue like this. Because I know you’ll be too lazy to clean up my clothes, and when your next boyfriend sees my things, you won’t even bother to explain, so I’ll take care of it myself.” When Xu Guanrui had first come, he had seen other people’s pajamas and toothbrushes. The jealousy at that time had made Jacqueline proud for a long time.

She froze on the couch for a minute, then calmly spoke: “Then take the gift you gave me with you. I don’t need it. The antique vinyl records you treat like treasures, put them back in your own closet. Breaking up with me suddenly, is it because you really like Gu Yi?”

“I just feel like it’s time. I want to go on a date with you, but I have to wait for you to finish overtime. You’re always available for afternoon tea with your girlfriends, and with me, either we’re at a late-night snack place or at home, and most of the time we’re still arguing—what’s the point?”

“You are the one I love most among my boyfriends, isn’t that meaningful enough?”

“I can’t compare to Huang Wendah.”

“He doesn’t count. A boyfriend from your teenage years can only count as half a father.” Jacqueline hugged Xu Guanrui from behind: “Stay with me for one last night, okay?”

“I’m not trying to use this method to make you keep me. This has happened several times already, don’t do this.”

She simply stood on tiptoe and kissed him.

This wasn’t his intention for coming here, and their bodies were already so familiar—with a slender yet flexible frame, gentle as if wrapping around his soul. His nose felt a bit sour, but the sadness was quickly swallowed.

Their first meeting was at a friend’s birthday party. Jacqueline was wearing red-bottomed high heels and a simple khaki trench coat, her womanly charm brought out by her sweet voice. She sat down and said to everyone, “Don’t call me Jacqueline, call me sister.”

“Sister”—the most seductive whisper when called.

A mature woman, a marathon runner, with lung capacity and firm muscles like armor—nothing could affect her. Her self-control and control over her diet made her indestructible. Xu Guanrui had been deeply fascinated by such women before—self-disciplined, exquisite, everything taken care of without needing to worry, no tantrums or mischief like younger girls, but instead, they could freely talk about their troubles with him. This was her way of gaining youth and freshness. Moreover, Jacqueline could make anything comfortable to talk about—sharp, to the point, avoiding all sensitive areas, they could talk all night long, complaining without mercy. Roger, in her eyes, was just a fool with stiff Cantonese… When Xu Guanrui first heard her story with Huang Wendah, he was so stunned he couldn’t speak. Two people, madly in love, unwilling to submit to each other, and a seven-year relationship just ended like that… Xu Guanrui had never heard of such a thing in his life.

Perhaps this was the first time he felt jealousy, wanting to completely monopolize someone. At 25, Xu Guanrui bought a ring and seriously confessed to Jacqueline—not for marriage, just wanting to secure an important place in her heart after Huang Wendah. But Jacqueline casually put the ring on her ring finger, smiling and saying, “Brother, I appreciate your heart, but don’t take it too seriously. I don’t have anything like a proper relationship to give you.”

Her expression was too casual, and jealousy drove him mad.

After that, he frequently stayed at Jacqueline’s place. They were a couple but had no other partners. The passion lasted for half a year, but the chemical reaction began to give rise to other reactions—nothing really changed, but it was difficult to swallow. Jacqueline, absent-minded, lay in bed, sad over someone else. A woman who valued her dignity would never openly express affection for anyone, but as soon as she received even the slightest rejection, she would retreat back to him. And he would pretend not to know, unable to hold back for two days before picking a fight. Xu Guanrui never understood why she was like this. Was he not good enough, not charming enough, or not romantic enough? On New Year’s Eve, he smashed his phone and went out, freezing in the cold at the Bund, cursing every couple exuding happiness. Pushed back to the other side of the street, he saw a girl running by, tears in her eyes, bumping into his shoulder. Looking back at the girl running through the crowd, like a fish swimming against the current. In that moment, his soul was shaken, and he realized that a trembling soul is the most captivating—unstable, restless, perhaps the way women maintain their beauty.

Unable to get a cab, he rushed home, and Jacqueline, still asleep with tears on her face, jumped up and hugged him. All the grievances turned into a simple “It’s okay.” His heart felt like it was being cut, but at that moment, he confirmed how much he loved her. The first light of the new year shone in, and Xu Guanrui sat in front of his computer. The dozens of music and drama reviews he had saved were almost all written when he couldn’t make sense of things. Every word shone, like he had personally pulled the scales from his own fish. If Jacqueline were to settle down for him, washing her hands and cooking, he would quickly grow bored—a life without pain, making him numb.

Three years had passed with ups and downs. Every hug blending together, bodies heating up then cooling down, not always exciting, still fresh with each other, just sitting in the same car but watching different views. Occasionally, a thought flashed by—Jacqueline and he were both perverts, one relying on an uncertain relationship to stay alert in life, the other gaining inspiration from pain. When he told Jacqueline this, she just rolled her eyes into her pillow: “Boring.”

He leaned against the bedpost, wiping the sweat from his forehead. The sound of water from the bathroom echoed, everything as usual. He thought to himself, it was time.

He passed Jacqueline in the doorway of the bathroom, his heart still aching, but after such a long buildup, he should have been immune.

Jacqueline leaned against the doorframe: “Can I still ask you to stay?”

“What’s the point of asking to stay? Don’t doubt your own charm. I’m leaving, and soon someone new will come.”

“Are you mocking me?”

Xu Guanrui wiped his hair as he walked out, his usual curse slipping out: “Damn.”

He packed half his things, throwing the gifts he’d given Jacqueline into the bag: the Swiss watch, the music box, a fountain pen, a CD he had recorded himself singing… the sound of them hitting the paper bag was crisp. Jacqueline was also sad; he knew this was her way of expressing her feelings. He picked up two large paper bags and opened the door. Jacqueline’s voice was low: “Can you do me one last favor?”

“Mm.”

“Can I tell others… that I broke up with you? I need to show Roger again that I’m single, capable, and willing to give up everything for my work.”

Xu Guanrui clenched his fists, feeling the blood rush through his body, cold and hot, just like his current anger. After calming his breath, he stood at the door: “Is this really necessary?”

“Yes.”

“You need me to be a part of your image, a young, brainless man who can be abandoned for the sake of work, where work is the priority—do you think that’s worth throwing me away for? But yes, in this position, Chanel and Dior send you gifts to fight for your attention, and celebrities’ managers are eager to pay you money...”

“They might switch me to another position by mid-year, and all my efforts at ‘One Week’ will be in vain. I need enough power to do the content I want, to keep the people I want to keep. Think about Gu Yi, she’s so straight-laced she’s like a fool, she knows nothing about relationships, Roger would love for her to leave immediately. If I hadn’t promoted Pony, she would have been fired long ago.”

“Don’t bring her up at a time like this. She has nothing to do with this.”

“Of course it does. You like her, don’t you?”

“姐.” Xu Guanyue took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, closing his eyes. “When it’s time to assign blame, you always mix everything up. I pretended not to know before, but that doesn’t mean I can keep tolerating it. You have the ability to protect your beloved subordinates, and your loyalty is one of the reasons I love you. But now, you’re turning me into a joke. What exactly do you think I am to you?”

“I’m sorry.” Jacqueline never looked at him. “It’s fine if you don’t forgive me.”

“Whatever.”

Xu Guanyue had heard of many moments when love abruptly ended, but he never thought that love could just end like that. Feelings, whether love or hate, were always so lingering, long, and soft enough to melt everything in the world. They didn’t simply end in an instant. Even if one suddenly fell for someone else, the phrase “falling out of love” seemed too casual. In his world, there were only unique lives. Two feelings didn’t shift from one to the other—one faded away while the other grew. Whether he mocked himself for being overly emotional or criticized himself for not being decisive enough, he couldn’t just erase it directly. In those ten or so seconds as the elevator descended, he held back the nausea churning in his stomach and finally understood the meaning of cutting ties. The quickest way to make someone give up a cherished relationship is through disgust and contempt.

He stood in the cold wind, threw the gift and clothes he was holding into the trash can, tossed the bag aside, and walked out of the community.