BO - 8

08. Choi Si-baek

“Not much time left now. I’ll take the specialist exam and then leave for the U.S. Just… run away.” 

Her request for special attention until she left for the U.S. made Chairman Seo’s plea feel burdensome for the first time. 

The woman in the backseat hadn’t turned her head once since getting in—the view outside the window held her gaze entirely. 

Han Baek-doo’s underling had dumped Seo Jae-yeon into a situation. Some lowlife punk, enraged after receiving his brother’s eyeballs as a delivery, had acted out of control. The woman who survived—whether happy or miserable about it—had been leaning on my backseat for four days now, powerless. 

A one-room village 15 minutes from R University Hospital. The first building you see when you turn into an alley, lined with matchstick-like villas. 

Her destinations were simple: the hospital, her studio apartment, the convenience store in front of the one-room village, and occasionally her boyfriend’s place—a five-minute walk from her apartment. Was it her or me who shattered this monotonous routine? Sometimes, like a resurgence of long-forgotten adolescence, I tried to answer childish questions. Of course, I always ended up empty-handed. 

When we stopped at the convenience store, she’d sometimes buy cigarettes with me. She never hesitated to bite the filter but never lit it. Whether out of fear or because she lacked the confidence to quit once she started, she never progressed further. 

The woman moved only between those few destinations, her expression as colorless as ever. Though she ignored me as I shadowed her on her way home, I couldn’t tear my eyes away. 

I knew that look well—it mirrored my past. You’re like me. 

Living life without knowing your destination, detours, or even your starting point. 

She carried the sharp scent of antiseptic. 

‘Ah! Ah, no, wait. That hurts.’ 

‘Just hurts? No, it doesn’t. Stay still.’ 

‘Move over. Kyung-hyun, ah. Wait, stop, hng, ugh.’ 

‘Do you like it that much?’ 

The cramped one-room apartment didn’t block even the smallest noise. Boring sex unfolded in a corner of the room, poorly defended against prying ears. Despite the heated breathing, their dry conversation was audible. 

The woman was dry, but the man panted alone. 

“What a mess. You’re terrible at fucking.” 

This idiot thought all her moans were signs of arousal because he lacked any sense of subtlety. 

Had she forgotten the text she sent me, asking me to come by 6 p.m. because she was visiting Chairman Seo? She didn’t emerge from the gate. Why let that useless prick into her house? It made no sense to me, but I had no interest in understanding someone else’s love life anyway. 

While I leaned against the gate smoking, cigarette butts piled up at my feet as they fucked inside. 

The moans didn’t last long, but what happened behind the gate remained a mystery. 

As I lit another cigarette, the door opened. Out came a man flushed with heat and Seo Jae-yeon, fiddling with her nape. 

“Who are you?” 

The man blatantly eyed me with suspicion, while Seo Jae-yeon finally seemed to remember the text she had sent earlier. 

“Ah, well…” 

Her expression shifted for the first time, struggling to find words. 

Those eyes, which had stared blankly out the window as if giving up on life, finally met mine. 

How far was I supposed to humor a woman who forgot my existence while fucking? Yet, I didn’t find her withdrawn gaze unpleasant. 

The people around this woman didn’t know what kind of person her uncle was. Meaning, this guy didn’t know I was a thug. As she calculated the shock he’d feel upon learning the truth, her eyes scanned my pupils. 

Her gaze betrayed someone who had been through this countless times. Abandoning friends, losing lovers, perhaps even being unable to stay at the hospital anymore—her futile calculations raced ahead. Still, she didn’t ask me to keep it a secret. Her indifferent eyes chose silence, as if it no longer mattered. 

The man, in his pathetic attempt to protect his woman, hid Seo Jae-yeon behind him. 

“The sound of fucking is too loud for such a cramped villa you don’t even live in alone.” 

“Ah… Are you our neighbor? Sorry about that. Hmm.” 

I exhaled smoke toward the man awkwardly scratching his neck after taking a deep drag on his cigarette. 

“Be careful. All I heard was a man asking if it felt good.” 

Unable to withstand my harsh nature, the man stammered, his face red, before trailing off. 

Through the thin haze of smoke, her gaze lingered on me, floating weightlessly. 

I wanted to learn more about her uneventful days. 

Though they didn’t have sex, the man was quite tender during the nights. But their relationship stagnated and didn’t last long. 

Over the month that passed, Seo Jae-yeon gradually began tidying up her surroundings. 

Her days weren’t eventful, but she stayed busy. Even while chasing professors around, she excelled at comforting children who had lost their mothers at the hospital. She pacified difficult patients without crossing boundaries and quietly handed medicine to sick classmates. Silent in her work, she backed others up discreetly, warm to everyone but never overly involved. 

She took on tasks others avoided without overstepping or seeking recognition. 

A person who neither overflowed nor lacked. Occasionally, she bought beer from the convenience store in front of her apartment but always returned sober. She could send her ex-boyfriend away with a firm yet gentle refusal, delivering breakups in her own way. 

Though she lived cautiously, fearing her background might make her stand out, she was inevitably the most noticeable presence wherever she went. I realized then that some things can’t be hidden, no matter how hard you try. 

While I stood on a ground where everything had to overflow to survive, she sought to preserve her own world. Though her eyes blatantly showed she wanted nothing to do with a thug like me, treating me like a ghost, she always left early if she had plans so I wouldn’t wait too long. 

Under peer pressure to drink “free booze,” she escaped with excuses like needing the bathroom, her grandmother’s death anniversary, or family emergencies. Then she’d rush to me, hopping into the backseat, and sink into the seat as if nothing had happened, closing her eyes. 

I knew her schedule revolved entirely around me. 

After a month, I realized my gaze was always following her. 

After watching Seo Jae-yeon enter her studio apartment, I stood on the stairs facing the gate and smoked. 

Intending to leave after just one cigarette, I found myself lighting a third. As I crushed the ash beneath my feet, the door opened. You emerged, hastily throwing on a coat and slipping one arm in, surprised to find me still there. But that was all. Where would you go at this hour? If you planned to go out, you should have texted me, but your phone hadn’t rung once. 

There was no time to get angry as you walked past me down the stairs. 

Following you, I noticed a man crouched at the entrance of the villa. 

“Kim Kyung-hyun.” 

The inebriated man looked up at you, and you approached with a calm sigh. 

“Why is it so hard to see your face, Jae-yeon? You’ve never shown me your face.” 

“Did you drink a lot?” 

“A little?” 

“If you drank a lot, you should go straight home. What are you doing here?” 

“I missed you.” 

Tears clung to your eyes, and I knew you couldn’t coldly brush them off. Perhaps Kim Kyung-hyun knew this too, clinging to you. He begged not to be left as an empty shell, pleading to meet again. 

“You want to meet again? I didn’t stray, and I’m confident I can focus only on you.” 

As the man shivered in the cold, you gazed at him for a long moment before gently touching the back of his head. That gesture signaled farewell—a goodbye filled with good memories, free of hatred, acknowledging the best efforts of their past. 

“Stop texting me. Go your own way now. Why did I meet you? I liked how hard you worked and how you were always the best at what you did. You were a great support to me. But seeing you like this disappoints me.” 

Your calm voice, those simple words, felt as warm as spring melting winter’s chill. Why couldn’t I tear my eyes away from you comforting him? Your way of ending love, your courtesy even in parting—it was all uniquely yours. 

Under Seo Jae-yeon’s soothing touch, the man’s wounded face softened as if healed. Your hands smoothed over his tangled emotions, easing his pain. I understood why he had met her. 

I envied him. 

For the first time, I envied someone. 

Seo Jae-yeon knows how to comfort wounds. That fact became endlessly special to me. If your touch reached my scarred heart, could I feel even a fraction of the warmth he felt? 

Even though I knew such comfort was an impossible luxury for me. 

Looking back, that’s how you were. In every way, you were a luxury to me. 

A woman who would overflow if embraced by someone like me. 

Still unable to light my cigarette, she poured cat food from the convenience store into a small bowl placed in front of the villa. Under the streetlamp’s glow, our shadows intertwined as I sucked on my tasteless cigarette like paper. She blew white breath into the cold air, biting into a hard frozen treat. Unlike my impatient biting, she leisurely licked the surface of her ice cream.

“The villa owner is a kind person, so they gave permission. There are other places where people feed stray cats, like at the end of that alley over there.”

Her first words to me were so unexpected that I initially thought she was talking to herself.

“This one seems to have lost a territorial fight—it started showing up about a week ago. I think its mom left early. It’s still too young to be independent. Oh, you know, mother cats help their kittens become independent. Sometimes the kittens leave first, but the ones I’ve seen… strangely, it’s always the moms who leave first. That’s how it is with the cats in my neighborhood.”

The tabby cat, nose buried in the food, occasionally perked its ears and looked at her. Its trusting gaze toward her hand stroking it—even that connection, that simple bond between her and this stray—was something absent from the world I lived in. I understood why she didn’t want to step into my world.

She laughed brightly on calls with Chairman Seo, a sound I’d never heard before. But as soon as the call ended, her laughter vanished into the murky silence of night.

The cat licked her hand after finishing its meal.

How suffocating must it have been for her in this world devoid of such warmth and innocence?

I was born of the night, unable to fathom what it felt like inside. In my world, scars were worn like badges of honor. But her wounds—her scars—were just that: wounds.

“I want to adopt it, but I can’t take responsibility. I can barely take care of myself; taking on another life would be so irresponsible. What if I get stabbed again and die screaming? Who would take care of it then? It’s better if I just die alone.”

Her eyes, filled with the round full moon despite the moonless night, met mine as she stroked the cat’s head. She knew she couldn’t hold onto something so precious.

Looking back, you were an orbit I could never reach—a line densely filling a space I couldn’t even approach. Even standing in the middle of the night, you overflowed with gentle sunlight. I feared that if I held onto you, your warmth would fade. Maybe that’s why I kept my distance.

“Would you like to have a beer with me? At the outdoor table in front of the convenience store? Oh, maybe you don’t like that kind of thing, Director Choi. If you’re okay with it, we can drink in my room.”

She dangled the bag from the convenience store, the heavy cans clinking against each other. For the first time, she smiled faintly at me. Keep ignoring me. Treat me like dirt. Look at me the way you always do.

But staring into those clear eyes, untouched by shadows even in the dark, I found myself saying something I didn’t mean.

“I can hold my liquor better than you think. Don’t worry, just drink.”

Already, five empty beer cans lay scattered. I thought we’d stop after finishing the ones she bought, but she returned with another armful from the fridge.

I don’t enjoy drinking with strangers, especially women. My stubborn, unspoken rule was being shattered as Seo Jae-yeon relentlessly handed me cans.

In one corner of the room, medical textbooks were piled high. Next to a model excavator figurine stood rows of model teeth. A vibrant herb pot sat awkwardly in the tiny studio apartment.

As Seo Jae-yeon sipped her beer, lost in a tipsy haze, she glanced around the room and chuckled softly.

“There’s not much to see here. What did you major in, Director Choi? Business administration, maybe? Actually, I was better suited for liberal arts, but I ended up in dental school. Few cases are as miserable as mine—people who struggle because they’re in the wrong field.”

She wore an oversized hoodie, its sleeves flapping loosely. Rolling them up, she grabbed a book and handed it to me. Introduction to Early Childhood Education. The sickeningly sweet title landed on the table with a thud. I frowned.

Just as she said, the room was full of things that made my teeth ache and my skin itch.

“I actually wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. But I gave up. How could someone like me touch children’s hands? If their parents knew who I really am, how much would they despise me? What if the kids were put in danger because of me? It’s one thing if only I get stabbed, but what if they’re endangered because of me? I don’t belong anywhere.”

Why don’t you belong? You could be a bright backdrop anywhere.

You fit perfectly with all things fresh and alive—the sharp smell of antiseptic, the longing in the cat’s gaze, the herbs growing in dim light. They all harmonized with you.

“But honestly, I think it would’ve been the same no matter what major I chose. I don’t think it would’ve made much difference. Cheers! Hurry up.”

Pushing more drinks on me despite my disinterest, she swayed unsteadily.

Leaning closer, her slurred voice murmured, “Men really have long fingers. Why are biological XX chromosomes weaker and smaller than XY? It’s infuriating. If we were at least equal, I could punch someone.”

Her drunken yet oddly sharp eyes gleamed brighter than anything else in this cramped room. Everyone has eyes—even me, even the bastard next door—but why did hers look different?

“Who do you want to punch so badly?”

“Oh, just… lots of people.”

“You don’t need to change your chromosomes to XY. There are plenty of people willing to punch others for you.”

“Would you do that for me, Director Choi?”

“We’ll see.”

“We’ll see?”

“If the reason is valid.”

Her gaze fixed on me, drawing nearer.

“What if it’s not a valid reason? Then you won’t punch anyone?”

“It depends on my mood.”

“That’s abuse of power.”

“You’re not exactly acting powerless, so stop complaining about power abuse.”

Her eyelids, heavy with alcohol, fluttered lazily before she pouted and grumbled. Realizing I wouldn’t give her an easy answer, she focused on drinking again. The night deepened, and the intoxication grew thicker.

My meaningless gaze rested on the spine of the Introduction to Early Childhood Education book when sounds seeped through the walls. Voices grew clearer.

“Instead of there, suck my breasts.”

“Hmm, your nipples taste amazing.”

“Ahh, deeper, ahh, yes.”

The distinct sounds of purposeful action echoed through the villa, where every living space overlapped.

“So it’s true. You can hear it.”

Seo Jae-yeon’s muttered voice stirred more than the woman’s moans.

A particularly warm hand brushed against my pinky finger resting on the floor.

After rolling around in this world long enough, I recognized the sultry, heated air filling the room. While some might feign indifference or remain focused on their tasks, Seo Jae-yeon wasn’t like that.

She kept glancing at me, fidgeting with her fingertips, and endlessly swallowing thick saliva.

“Director Choi.”

“What?”

Her tongue wavered, clearly not sober but not completely drunk either. Whatever decision she made now—driven by alcohol or impulse—was undoubtedly her own.

“Have you ever had a one-night stand?”

“I don’t answer impure questions.”

“Why not? Have you? Or haven’t you?”

“What are you really asking?”

“Just… I suddenly feel like trying it. A one-night stand.”

Was she swayed by the atmosphere? Night, alcohol, a tiny room, a man and a woman—all the conditions were ripe for a natural conclusion. But I felt I had to push her away. Accidents happen—getting carried away, making mistakes in the heat of the moment. Those things shouldn’t be tied to her.

She deserved someone who could offer genuine feelings, someone capable of giving her a sincere heart.

With a straight face, I said what I didn’t mean.

“Such trashy thoughts. Well, what do you expect?”

“That doesn’t sound like something a gangster would say to a doctor.”

It was unclear whether my sigh was directed at her or at myself.

“If a guy suggests a one-night stand after drinking, avoid him if possible. He’s not in his right mind.”

“It’s not great if it’s too easy, but does it have to be super difficult either?”

“Do you think you can stop seeing me after that?”

“Why?”

“There’s nothing worse than having to keep seeing someone after a one-night stand.”

“It’s fine. I’m leaving for the U.S. soon anyway.”

“Oh, so you’re saying it doesn’t matter since you’ll just leave after?”

“No, no. I mean, we won’t have to see each other awkwardly afterward.”

Her strawberry-red nose betrayed her drunken state, yet she kept rambling. Muttering that she wouldn’t return once she left, Seo Jae-yeon suddenly lifted her head. The old doorbell buzzed shrilly.

“Who is it? I wasn’t expecting anyone.”

Struggling to get up, Seo Jae-yeon staggered, barely able to hold up the weight of her pants.

“I used to live here.”

A frail female voice came from outside the gate.

The door flung open, and a stranger’s hand shot out toward Seo Jae-yeon’s cheek before I even realized what was happening. The moment I heard the sound of skin grazing against flesh, I grabbed the woman’s wrist in one swift motion.

“You bitch. Did you enjoy screwing a guy with a girlfriend?”

“What… who are you?”

“The guy you hooked up with—is he the father of my child? If I miscarry, it’ll be all your fault. I won’t let you off easy.”

“Whose baby daddy are you talking about? Who are you? How dare you barge in here and slap me first?”

Trapped in this shitty situation just like her, but unfairly cast as the perpetrator, Seo Jae-yeon collapsed onto the floor, sobbing as she stared at the crying woman with pity. I turned Seo Jae-yeon around and closed the door. Her cheek was already swelling. Quickly, I soaked a handkerchief with cold water from the back pocket of my pants and pressed it against her heated left cheek. Then I sat her down on the single bed.

“Seo Jae-yeon.”

I knelt down and cupped her trembling cheeks, blurred with tears.

The tears pooling inside her eyes spilled over to the corners. I wiped them away with my fingertips, but more kept slipping past my grasp, sliding down to her lips.

“It’s all so damn pathetic. Nothing ever goes my way. Why is everything so messed up? Why does everything feel so… worthless?”

My attempts to console her only seemed to make her cry harder. Each time I wiped her tears, larger droplets soaked my fingers. Even though taking control wouldn’t necessarily make things better—and despite knowing full well that no option would improve my own life—I still found something strangely comforting about your teary despair. No matter how stained you got, you remained untainted, like a painting where only clean brushstrokes could land. Even though I knew pink paint wouldn’t replace black ink just because I wanted it to, I selfishly believed you might be capable of such purity. Maybe I wanted to protect you, cowardly attaching reasons to my desires. I offered you a choice, albeit feebly. A coward’s attempt.

“Is the one-night stand still on? Do you still want it?”

Kim Jong-seop had ranted endlessly about love, which I still couldn’t comprehend, nor did I entertain any illusions of its rainbow hues.

If calling what I felt for you “love” made sense, I still couldn’t accept it.

Maybe you were right.

A one-night stand—it might not be anything special.

Two attracted people letting go of reason for a night—it could just be that simple.

But one thing I could say for certain: it wasn’t some reckless act born of anger, happenstance, or drunken impulse. It was simply me being true to this moment. For now, every fiber of my being was focused solely on you.

“Do whatever you want, just once.”

“What do you mean by—”

“I’m letting myself be swayed by you.”

Her bewildered eyes betrayed her shock. She’d been the one to suggest it, yet she was surprised. Nothing went her way, so I was giving her the reins. Though sober, I gazed at her with drunken-like eyes. Whether she was conflicted, lost in thought, or wrestling internally, she fell silent for a moment. Beneath her wide-open eyes, moisture gathered. Her thick eyelids trembled, scattering traces of indecision transparently.

“You haven’t answered yet.”

What will you do?

I asked again, without further words. This was the last time I’d ask. My silent voice seemed to reach her ears.

“Only valid until tonight.”

I hoped she’d reject me, pull me closer, push me away, and keep me near—all at once. It wasn’t just her fighting herself; I too waged an intense battle within.

“What are you trying to do?”

In the end, my decision rested on her.

“The expiration date starts now.”

“The manufacturing date, you mean.”

Even convenience store kimbap didn’t have such a short shelf life. A hollow laugh escaped me.

“What I mean is…”

Before she could answer, I pressed my lips to hers. My tongue licked away her salty tears, and I gently sucked the breath trembling between her lips. A beat later, Seo Jae-yeon gasped in surprise, clutching my shoulders. Effortlessly, I pushed her small body back onto the bed. Even the slightest movement elicited a cheap creak from the worn-out mattress. Was this the sound of my restless heart? I took a deep breath despite the trivial noise.

Above us, the dim ceiling light flickered, threatening to go out at any moment.

Between our tightly pressed lips, labored breaths escaped in succession.

“Mmm…”

I inhaled the fervent breath she exhaled, and she greedily sucked in mine. Despite lecturing others to stay away from one-night stands, I hungrily devoured her fiery lips.

Pretending indifference, my tongue blatantly chased after hers as it darted away. Though she’d boldly declared wanting a one-night stand, her body now betrayed her confusion. Like someone searching for an exit in an endless void, her small tongue wandered aimlessly. We intertwined our tongues precariously, like seesaws swaying in midair.

“Mmm… ah, mmm.”

Though it wasn’t the alcohol warming us anymore, my head spun from the heat of her tongue. Whether it was the intoxication or the atmosphere, an indescribable warmth saturated my body, leaving it limp like a sponge.

Occasionally, the old boiler hummed loudly. No matter where I turned my head, the entrance was always in sight. In this tiny studio apartment, a tall man over 188 centimeters and a petite woman filled the space completely. Even when I turned my head to catch my breath, we inevitably faced each other.

In this cramped room, two bodies clung together, supporting one another. At some point, her arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders.

Smacking, slurping, wet sounds filled the air as saliva pooled on our tongues, mingling, rubbing, and sliding down our throats.

One-night stands, pushing and pulling—who cared anymore? We kissed like desperate fools, unable to stop. Our kisses were like sex, frantic and needy, as if we couldn’t get enough of each other. Like humans thrashing about, trying to touch the unreachable tips of each other’s tongues.

She couldn’t endure my relentless sucking and finally twisted her head away with a gasp.

“Haa, ha.”

Our mingled breaths, damp with saliva, pooled at my collarbone. Without hesitation, I tugged at her loose hoodie, licking the nape of her neck while simultaneously yanking down her sweatpants with the other hand.

“After drinking, huh, avoid men who proposition you for one-night stands, huh.”

Her lips, sticky with saliva, still managed to chatter cutely. The swelling on her lips from my earlier bites was noticeable. I thought about how sensitive her skin was, how easy it would be to leave marks anywhere. What a beastly thought—I was truly a hopeless bastard.

“I’ve already sucked up all your spit, and now you’re saying this?”

“Huu… ah. You said they weren’t sane, huh, ahh.”

“Yeah. So avoid bastards like me. Don’t cross paths.”

Even as I muttered these words, I stubbornly sucked and marked her neck, determined to leave traces she wouldn’t forget anytime soon. At least until the marks faded, she wouldn’t forget who had been with her. My lowly jealousy didn’t even know whom it was directed at.

Everything pissed me off. You, who would forget everything once this night passed, and me, who knew I shouldn’t—but couldn’t—let go. Everything.

Overcome with thirst, I hastily pulled off her hoodie. With no bra underneath, her breasts swayed and heaved as I grasped them firmly.

“Aaah!”

My unusually large hands, big enough to easily cover my own face, struggled to fully encompass her breasts. They slipped out of my grip, forming soft mounds that protruded defiantly. I took her hardened nipples into my mouth, biting and sucking urgently as I slid her panties off.

Seo Jae-yeon lifted her hips slightly, subtly cooperating while twisting her body. With a dazed expression, she looked up at me. Her slack-jawed face contrasted hilariously with her words.

“This kind of thing, hmm, isn’t it for lovers, haat? Even for a one-night stand, kissing feels… excessive.”

I knew people like Seo Jae-yeon, who placed more significance on kissing than on sex itself. The question lingered: why bother with the process when the goal was merely physical? Her fluttering eyelids conveyed disdain for kisses that felt too intimate, too emotional.

From kiss to sex, but not from sex to kiss-

That was the extent of our relationship now.

Suddenly, I felt as if cold water had been poured over me, and my mood plummeted.

“I won’t have sex without kissing. If you don’t like it, then stop.”

I blurted out something uncharacteristically romantic, like a fool, and kissed her again. Staring straight into her eyes as she looked at me. Seo Jae-yeon, who had been quietly accepting my tongue despite my stubborn kiss, averted her gaze, her cheeks flushed, as if refusing to meet my eyes.

“…Huh, hmm, do you do this with your girlfriend too?”

“Do what?”

“This kind of kiss, mmm, do you give it to her?”

What was she talking about? I didn’t understand her words at the moment, but I didn’t bother to ask.

I pulled her spread legs toward me somewhat impatiently. The two flaps clinging to the center of her fully opened pussy made a squelching sound as they parted. The pair of labia, soaked from drinking so much, were damp and crumpled. The color was so soft and delicate that I was afraid it might tear if someone like me touched it. In contrast, the large inner folds made me swallow a lustful breath in secret.

She had the audacity to say that kisses were something only lovers should share, but now her juices were dripping so much that they had soaked even her ass crack.

“So, you only went as far as kissing with your lover, huh?”

Despite my sarcastic remark, dripping with spite, she kept her mouth shut, too busy enduring the moment. She was biting her lower lip, struggling with the stimulation. My desire to get closer to her flared up impurely.

When I gently rubbed and caressed the swollen labia, a moan escaped her lips almost immediately.

“You’re so fucking wet. At this point, isn’t it just leaking?”

Her cheeks flushed red with shame at my teasing. Seo Jae-yeon’s expressions changed instantly whenever I reached out or spoke. Her eyes darted around, clearly flustered.

Even though she’s been through it all with that bastard, she still acts like it’s her first time having sex. Well, it makes sense. All they did was mindlessly thrust in and out, so how would she know that sex involves more than just that?

To think she’s this sensitive, getting so wet from just a kiss. I confirmed that her body had never experienced a proper kiss with that bastard.

Disgusting jealousy bubbled up inside me again.

“Just do it.”

“You said it hurts. You said the entrance is sore and you didn’t want to.”

Seo Jae-yeon looked up at me in shock, remembering her past experiences. She had been whining and complaining so loudly that there was no way the person standing at the door wouldn’t hear. Meanwhile, she had been having sex with that bastard, who only cared about sticking it in. She looked up at me with near-horror in her eyes. I swam through a strange sense of pleasure, exhaling deeply in the hot, submerged water. The gills I had equipped and the resulting breath were the unspoken words boiling in her eyes.

“What’s the point of just doing it? Do you want me to end up in the emergency room after fucking the chairman’s nephew?”

“Stop talking, ahh!”

My two thick fingers squelched into her tight hole. The index and middle fingers, adorned with irregular black lettering tattoos, quickly pried her open.

Already, her tight passage was opening up, squeezing out the muddy fluid and shaking the small hole. While I focused on fingering her, Seo Jae-yeon couldn’t handle the overwhelming sensation and bit her lips, trying to suppress the moans that kept escaping. The hole, clenching like the wrinkles on her lips, seemed to reach its limit and gushed out a thick juice.

Even as her juices splattered onto my clean shirt sleeves, I poured my heart into fingering her, increasing the pace.

“Ahh! Ah! Haaah! Huh, huh! Stop it, ahh! It’s weird, stop, ah!”

“Then what should I do?”

My teasing gaze was filled with heat.

“This is no joke. Should I pull out?”

“No, not that, just, ahh! Slowly, huuuh, haaah!”

“No way. You’re just being spoiled.”

Perhaps realizing belatedly that the soundproofing in this small room was terrible, she bit her lip again.

I didn’t stop her. Even if her lips bled from biting them because of me, it would still be my fault.

Childishly, I wanted to leave as many traces of myself in this night as possible.

I buried my lips in the glistening flesh, soothing the hole I had been pounding. My tongue spread open the folds, entering the passage. The heat was suffocating, like a sauna. How much more did she plan to steam me to death? I resisted the urge to cum as my tongue sweltered in the damp heat.

I stuck my tongue in instead of my cock, moving up and down like a half-crazed person.

Despite the soft contact, the tight pressure and something incredibly dizzying repeatedly pulled me in. I had to endure the shock that stiffened the back of my neck.

I still don’t understand love.

I’m too dry a person to contain such romantic and passionate things. That’s something only people like you can do.

I was faithfully drawn to you, who only pulled me closer without ever pushing me away. All I could do was helplessly chase after you.

As my tongue thrust in and out, the licking and cleaning motions sped up. By now, Seo Jae-yeon was holding onto my hair, drooling like a dog, and swallowing heavily. I slowly licked the stream of juices flowing down her slit and then viciously bit her trembling clit. A thin, forceful stream of liquid spurted out.

I smeared her juices like lotion and wiped the excitement from the corner of my mouth.

I laughed bitterly at myself for swallowing her juices so eagerly. As Kim Jong-seop said, I have such a weak stomach that I can’t even eat a piece of sushi, and I hate getting anything dirty on me. So why was I making all these exceptions for this woman?

I ran my fingers through her long hair and played with the soft accumulation in the hollow of her pussy.

“You said to stop, but you’re leaking so much. What’s the rush?”

“Shut, up, huh, ah!”

“Fine, I’ll just shut up and fuck you.”

After wiping the juices from between my fingers, I unzipped my pants and pulled out my cock. As if to show how much I had desired her since entering this room, my erect member was throbbing so fiercely it seemed like it would tear through the air.

Her shocked eyes alternated between my crotch and my face. In her slow, flowing gaze, I could see that she was just as bewildered as I was.

“Is this… possible?”

“What, was that bastard’s dick small?”

“No, this is… no matter who you show this to… this isn’t normal, right?”

“Thanks for the compliment. Your review is honest.”

“…Nothing about you is average.”

Your comment that nothing about me is lukewarm made me smile a little. I chuckled as I looked down at her dazed face. The drooping corners of her eyes and lips, slightly parted to reveal her front teeth, were incredibly cute.

“Choi Si-baek… you’re annoyingly handsome.”

Then, in a drunken murmur, she said something so stupid that I collapsed weakly.

“It’s not like there’s no use for it.”

For the timing right before insertion, it was excessively sweet. I didn’t miss the moment and pressed my cock against her entrance. I stubbornly pushed up into the tight, stiff passage that was a mess compared to me. Seo Jae-yeon looked terrified but stubbornly widened her legs, as if unwilling to let go of the excitement she had already swallowed.

I pushed through the obstacles blocking the way, lifting the horned pillar.

“Fuck.”

The crushing pressure of her pussy squeezing my cock and the endless suction of the tip made me curse uncontrollably. It wasn’t just the fuse that had blown. The rationality I had been holding onto was also gone in an instant.

“Mmm! Ahh!”

I hugged her trembling body with a deeply furrowed brow. I kissed her lips as she desperately clung to me. As if we had been waiting for this, we kissed like lovers who would never exist again, mixing our tongues.

Thrusting and pulling, inserting and withdrawing—even in these simple, purposeful actions, I realized I could carry so many emotions in each movement. I struggled not to fall for you, helplessly crumbling, and tried to draw a line while being endlessly drawn to you. Knowing it was all futile in front of you, I fought in the battle between desire and restraint, things that could never coexist. In the end, I crumbled under the lustful gaze you gave me.

“Stick out your tongue.”

Affection followed every gesture. This strange experience wasn’t just mine, as Seo Jae-yeon licked my tongue and let out a long moan. We stuck out our tongues, not our lips, and sucked on each other’s flesh, messily exchanging fluids. While enduring the fucking that had started, she clung to me tightly. I interpreted it as I pleased and licked her passionately. Then, she responded with a moan so relaxed it seemed she was satisfied with my way of handling her. We literally had a conversation with our bodies. Without even asking, she honestly answered what she liked and disliked.

“Ahh! Ah! Ah, ah! Ahh! Haaah!”

When she couldn’t contain her excitement and our lips accidentally met, her pussy clenched around my cock like sticky gum. Our tongues rubbed against each other, and her moans spilled onto my tongue. Afraid that a single moan might escape, I swallowed it greedily and thrust my hips like a madman.

The squelching sounds were obscene. Despite the crude and shameless movements, we persistently tangled our tongues like lovers.

The narrow slope leading beyond my womb, which could barely accommodate my throbbing member, struggled to withstand the flood of emotions. When I thrust deep into the hidden path behind her womb, her tightly coiled tongue finally gave way and fell slack.

“Ah! Wait, I— Ah! Ahhh! Ah! Why there…!”

“Why? Why ‘why’ during sex, Jae-yeon?”

I genuinely laughed, but both of us were too aroused to linger on the joke. I furrowed my brows, too overwhelmed to tease her further.

“Huh, huff.”

The walls of her pussy, clinging tightly to the tip of my cock, resisted further entry. I couldn’t even imagine what other incredible sensations awaited if I pushed further. For a fleeting moment, I wondered if this might be irreversible for both of us. Perhaps I had known from the start that after this night, I could never go back to how things were before. Maybe that’s why I hesitated.

Maybe I didn’t want to admit that it was you who shattered the version of me who believed that love and romance were too pretty and delicate for someone like me.

As if crossing that boundary, I finally spread her open and pushed in. The path connected to her womb, the place Kim Jong-seop had named the “vaginal palace,” was pierced, and I settled deep inside her.

“Ahhh! Ah! Ah!”

Watching you cry, I was consumed by ecstasy. You crazy bitch. I laughed, chewing on curses. I instinctively knew that you, too, would never forget this night.

Maybe I was even crazier than Kim Jong-seop.

Even as I watched the droplets of arousal spurt out, I shamelessly rocked my hips. Welcoming the flood of juices soaking my pubic hair and balls, I thrust into the place that was crying out in protest.

“Not there, I’m gonna— Ah! Ahhh! Ah!”

“Yeah, yeah, come. Who cares what anyone says.”

As if branding you, I carved the ridges of my cock into you, sucking on your swaying breasts as I pounded you senseless. Like stamping this moment into your memory, I bit down on your erect nipples and kissed them.

This was less about sex and more about marking my territory.

It was a silent scream, telling you not to forget this night. As I lavished attention on your breasts, my face was pulled up by your lips, now smeared with frothy saliva. And then you said something priceless.

“You—crazy—bastard— Ah! Ah, ahhh!”

Your words confirmed that you were just as aroused as I was, and I ramped up my thrusts with even more abandon.

“Feels good, huh, you crazy bitch? Suck my tongue, Jae-yeon.”

As you slurped on my tongue, Seo Jae-yeon suddenly started pounding on my chest.

“Ah, here. You like it here?”

“Ahhh! Stop, ah!”

I found a hidden spot along the narrow passage leading to your vaginal palace.

I pushed my cock deep into the vaginal palace, propping up your womb, and hammered that spot you couldn’t get enough of with relentless force.

The uneven surface of my cock scraped against the underside of your womb, the tip of my glans ruthlessly pierced the vaginal palace, and the thick shaft spread your walls wide. When all these rhythms aligned perfectly, the most thrilling sensation I’d ever felt surged through me. It wasn’t Christmas, but the world was alight with colors. Everything flashing before my eyes was pure stimulation.

“Ahhh! Ah! Ahhh! Hah, ah, hahh! Hic, ahhh!”

As your clit twitched, a torrent of fluid burst uncontrollably from your groin.

“Ah, stop?”

“Hah, ahhh! No, nooo.”

“Then should I keep going? I don’t like forcing things if you don’t want them.”

Even in the face of my shameless words, Seo Jae-yeon couldn’t retort. Instead, she wrapped her arms around my neck and frantically kissed me.

I tilted my head slightly, creating space. No matter how much you stuck out your tongue, it couldn’t reach me, and your brows twitched in frustration. The stream of fluid soaking my lower half was still going strong.

“You said no kissing during a one-night stand.”

Even though I wasn’t one to hold grudges, this had been nagging at me, so I responded a bit snarkily.

“Huff, huff, if—if we don’t kiss, then— Ahhh! Then it’s not— Ahhh!”

“Ah, so you’re only doing it because of me?”

Your face, full of resentment, turned to me with a pleading look. Honestly, I had hit my peak of arousal a while ago.

Finally dropping the bravado and being honest, Seo Jae-yeon immediately kissed me.

The base of my cock, plugging her hole, twitched on its own. As if to say that it wasn’t just you who was losing yourself in this kiss—no, in every passing second of this night.

When I adjusted the angle and hammered that spot, Seo Jae-yeon spread her legs wide and surrendered to her climax without resistance.

As my cock, which had been roaming freely through her passage, slid out like a baby’s head, her pussy gasped for air as if finally releasing a held breath. Her cheeks flushed bright red, and though she couldn’t close her legs, exposing herself to me, I found myself salivating more than feeling disgusted.

When the cock plug was pulled out, the pooled juices inside trickled out.

I shoved my cock back in to stem the flow, sealing the gap like a hammer fixing a leak. My cloudy remnants were firmly sealed inside. Before she could even catch her breath, I showed signs of starting again, and she asked with a stunned face if I was serious.

Could I be any more serious?

But instead of answering, I just smiled slyly.

Completely spent, Seo Jae-yeon lay limp, barely able to move, and closed her eyes.

Sitting sideways on the bed, I ran my fingers along the long scar on her side, and she glanced at me.

“It’s nothing. To you, it’s probably just a childish drawing.”

“I don’t have any childish drawings.”

“…You don’t have any scars?”

“What kind of scar could be a childish drawing?”

I lit a cigarette and cracked open the creaky window. As I blew out smoke, tousling my damp, tangled hair, Seo Jae-yeon stared at me with her dark eyes.

“What, you wanna try one?”

“No. I don’t smoke.”

“You wanted to, though.”

I took a deep drag, brushing the stray hairs from her face.

“I thought maybe smoking would add some change to my boring life, but I’m not sure if that’s the right direction.”

“Then shouldn’t one-night stands be off the table too?”

“That’s why… this is all your fault, Manager.”

Seo Jae-yeon was shifting the blame onto me, spouting nonsense, but I just smoked my cigarette, letting it slide. Sweet. The sight of you, the sound of your soft breaths.

“It’s your fault.”

Her voice, hoarse from screaming, whined.

“Yes, old man.”

“Everything’s ruined because of Choi Si-baek.”

Her post-sex whining was so endearing that I just quietly indulged her.

A cold breeze blew in, and I glanced over to see her curling up. I stubbed out the half-smoked cigarette and closed the window.

Though it was my duty to protect you, I realized that I was the one being cared for by you.

If all I gained from this night was the overwhelming warmth of your gaze, then no matter how I calculated it, I could never repay you for tonight. That’s what I thought.

After she fell asleep, I left the small room at dawn.

Unintentionally on a break from smoking, I lit a cigarette and turned my head, only to find a note stuck to the gate.

「The banging is too loud. The whole building can hear it. Please tone it down. You’re not living alone, you know. Especially the woman! The moaning is too embarrassing. Let’s be considerate neighbors.」

I chuckled at the messy handwriting on the yellow Post-it note.

---

Seo Jae-yeon left for the U.S. It was an expected departure, so there wasn’t much to it. Of course, I thought about her—I told myself my daily life wouldn’t be shaken by it, but in hindsight, I was merely enduring each day.

And then, after two years, she returned. I heard Kim Jong-seop had been handling her commutes, but just days after her return, that responsibility came back to me. No doubt he’d been tossing her around like a ragdoll, only to end up breaking one of her knees. It was all too predictable.

“That girl needs to settle down now. Before I kick the bucket, I at least want to see my nephew-in-law. How long will she keep wandering like this? For now, Si-baek, stay by her side until she finds someone decent. She’s such a delicate and warm-hearted person—she needs someone gentle. If she ends up with some hot-headed bastard, she’ll suffer endlessly.”

I already knew. Our paths were different, and nothing good could come from her being tied to someone like me.

You, who struggled desperately to escape this cesspool of a world—you, who swallowed your tears while cursing Chairman Seo’s burdens—there was no way you could ever belong with someone like me. You shouldn’t.

As Chairman Seo said, it was time for you to meet someone proper and live a stable life.

You shouldn’t meet another guy who drags you back into this pit.

The deeper my resolve grew, the stronger my longing became.

You rejected senior doctors’ advances so coldly, yet you didn’t hesitate even once to attend dinners or share rides with that damn director.

Why did you look so blissfully happy around him when you used to draw such clear boundaries? My insides burned black with jealousy. What bothered me most was how fundamentally different this man was from someone like Kim Kyung-hyun. His family background, his profession, his character—damn it, everything about him was infuriatingly perfect. That’s what made it so unbearable.

He suited you. And that’s why I hated him.

“Let’s meet at the hotel.”

“…But.”

“If you like him, book a room right away this time. No more rejections.”

What was it about those words that made my heart drop like that? I couldn’t sleep that night, staying up until dawn.

And why, of all people, did fate have to make him the director?

I felt suffocated, overwhelmed by a sense of injustice I couldn’t explain. It felt like I wasn’t even given a chance to be connected to you, while all the luck in the world seemed to pour toward him.

Crashing into his car—it was entirely because I lost control of myself. Uncharacteristically, I let emotions override reason.

“It’s not about that. There’s no point in letting anyone find out about someone related to the family. Besides, it’s not like we’re just acquaintances. Who knows what rumors might spread?”

Right. From the moment we met, you tried so hard to escape this world.

Once again, I realized that I was nothing but a burden to you.

Someone you needed to stay close to but ultimately wanted to run away from.

Even so, I couldn’t stop worrying about your ankle, feeling uneasy whenever you glanced at another man, and hating it when another man’s name slipped from your lips.

When I ordered Chinese food you didn’t even like, just to feed you, I still tidied up the kitchen and cleaned the living room before you arrived. Every speck of dust visible to you felt like exposing my weakness. I feared—and hoped—that everywhere your gaze landed, you’d think of me.

“Hyung-nim. It’s Chairman Seo’s hospital. The eldest brother is looking for you.”

Stage 2 lung cancer—still stage 2, with a 50-60% five-year survival rate if the surgery went well. But Chairman Seo didn’t seem comforted by the prognosis. Even on the day of the scheduled surgery, he fretted endlessly about his niece.

Humans instinctively defend themselves.

Chairman Seo’s instincts were fixated on his only bloodline. Even during his heyday, when he ruled this underworld, his sole concern was always how Seo Jae-yeon would fare alone after he was gone.

Despite Chairman Seo’s request to keep this from you, I didn’t plan to tell you immediately. Pretending everything was fine, you’d glance at me for reassurance. I scrutinized every flicker in your eyes, searching for meaning.

“Director Choi, you can drop me off at the theater. I’ll be fine today. I can take a taxi home. Seriously. If you’re worried, I’ll text you when I get home.”

Were you meeting that damn director again to watch a movie? Everything you said and did grated on my nerves, driving me to the brink of madness.

Getting stabbed was nothing unusual for me, but for you, it must have been entirely different.

Seeing you struggle now, reliving your past trauma because of me—I realized I had become the trigger. Knowing that every time you saw me, you might recall that day, all I could think about was removing anything that might trigger you. Despite telling you to leave, you stubbornly stayed, and I ended up saying things I didn’t mean before turning away. Coming home, I dreaded how I’d spend yet another sleepless night worrying about you.

And before my worries about you had even subsided, Chairman Seo called to inform me that I was relieved of guarding Seo Jae-yeon and should return to my original post.

This was how it should have been from the start. If it had been this way, perhaps these feelings wouldn’t have spiraled so uncontrollably.

At some point, I noticed that you, too, seemed to desire me, yet I couldn’t bring myself to approach you.

What if you broke because of me? What if, in naming this love, I ended up hurting you?

How could someone like me, who doesn’t suit you at all, ruin you?

How dare I even think of tainting you?

Unable to focus on anything all day, I sat at my desk, staring blankly at the same documents over and over, when the phone rang.

“Hey, do you know Seo Jae-yeon’s apartment password? I need to lay her down. Why? She’s drunk. We’re at an izakaya near your apartment. Our niece can’t hold her liquor. Guess I’ll have to escort her to bed again.”

Sometimes, there are moments like this.

All the tangled thoughts and worries I’ve been drowning in suddenly collapse into mud, leaving my mind utterly empty.

If I were to write down all the thoughts I’ve agonized over, they’d fill hundreds of books—but in an instant, they all crumble to dust.

In that void, only one thing becomes crystal clear.

I threw down the stack of papers I’d been clutching and walked out of the office.