Chapter 12

You can take advantage of female employees at the annual meeting, so why can’t I tease your boss?

Gu Yi clearly couldn’t ignore Guan Xingxin’s words. Whether at work or during open mics, she felt a bit distracted, but her sharp jokes and punchlines were frequent, often cracking everyone up with just a few interactions. Liang Daiwen only got to perform once, sitting in the back row where Gu Yi couldn’t see him. She thought it was better this way because seeing him would affect her mood.

Now, she no longer struggled with whether Liang Daiwen laughed or not. After all, knowing that the answer was “a person sentenced to death by love,” it was better to just not get him to laugh at all.

She specially ran back to school to borrow an old classmate’s account to access the library for literature. Alexithymia was a new concept introduced in 1972. It wasn’t considered a serious mental illness but more of a personality trait resulting from physical pain and severe illness. For example, such people couldn’t empathize with others’ feelings, their dreams lacked color, and when expressing emotions, their minds would go blank. When they liked someone, they might feel “discomfort” instead… In short, they gave the impression of being different from others, like they came from a black-and-white world, unable to fit into a society ruled by emotions.

She had once audited a linguistics class at the foreign language department, and when she saw the word “alexithymia,” the answer was right there in the word itself: “a” means lack, “lexi” means words, and “thymos” means emotions. It referred to a condition where a person had difficulty perceiving emotions and couldn’t express their feelings properly. It was something psychologists would treat through conversation, but facing an emotional void, there probably wasn’t much to discuss.

Feeling dizzy in front of the computer, Liang Daiwen sent her a message: “You forgot your elevator card this morning. I put it in the mailbox downstairs.”

She wasn’t sure how to describe her feelings sitting in front of the computer.

Before heading home, Gu Yi deliberately took a detour to Anfu Road to Sunflour. The sea salt rolls and lemon tarts in the bag emitted a pleasant fragrance. Gu Yi fumbled for her keys in her mind as she walked down the damp corridor of the Van Gogh Museum, with the scent of the rainy season lingering. After writing a new joke and finishing a book, Liang Daiwen finally came back. Just seeing him made her feel a little sour. He pulled out a suitcase to pack, and Gu Yi leaned against the bedroom door. “Are you going out?”

“I’m going to Beijing for a business trip. My hair is in my eyes. It’s 11 PM, and no barbershop is open now.”

Gu Yi said, “What a pity. If it’s an electric razor, I can help you shave it.” Back in middle school, the school didn’t allow long hair, and my mom helped me cut my hair short like a boy’s. Both of us were quite good at it.

Liang Daiwen didn’t respond and went into the study. Gu Yi thought maybe he wasn’t interested in her topic. A few minutes later, he came out holding a box. “I bought a razor last year.”

When she wrapped the cloth around his head, only his face showed. The direction of the fine hair at the back of his head was to the right, like it was guiding aliens back to their hometown. The electric razor, freshly charged, made a sharp sound. Gu Yi adjusted it to 6mm. “Let me trim it all short first, then I’ll thin it out for you. Are you sure you trust me?”

The fine hair made a sound under the cloth. “Can I still choose?” The words were affectionate, as though they had been lovers for a long time. The hair fell in swathes, and Gu Yi felt a bit dazed. For normal men and women to be this close, it would usually take acquaintance, probing, and strategies... The journey would be very long.

His lack of defense was the shortcut to reaching this moment. If it weren’t for this personality, how could she, a stand-up comedian who lived by humor, have reached this point? She thought about it and changed her tone. “Mr. Liang, do you help everyone like this? First Guan Xingxin, now me. How many people have you helped?”

“You’re the third. When I was in college, a classmate had a roommate who wouldn’t let her back into the dorm and spread rumors about her in the lecture hall, saying she was from the countryside and filthy. I paid for a week’s worth of hotel fees for her. Later, she got a full scholarship and went abroad.”

“You really like to help...”

“‘Helping’ means I think you’re the weak ones. But you only need help to get through a low point. After that, you won’t need me.”

Gu Yi’s heart skipped a beat as she asked, “So... will you look for someone else in the future?”

“I’m very busy. Are you trying to test if I’m a pervert?”

The razor was moving just above her ear, and Gu Yi leaned in to observe Liang Daiwen’s profile. His jawline was smooth and clean, his skull high, his entire face and head exuding an almost aristocratic aura. His brow bone and nose—his eyes caught by the light—were incredibly captivating. It reminded her of the scene in Love Century, where Matsumoto Ryuhei cuts Kimura Takuya’s hair and says, “Let me help you cut off your past.” She thought to herself that perhaps this was also a ritual to say goodbye to the past.

The scissors snipped through the long hair at the temples.

“That Lu Ming, the first time I heard him do stand-up, I thought he was a preachy type.”

“On the surface, yes. With his thick brows and big eyes, you’d think he’s like Jin Dong. But actually, he doesn’t have that ‘fatherly’ vibe at all. When he’s not skiing or diving, his skin isn’t even that dark; he’s actually quite delicate-looking.”

“What about me?”

“Sharp-tongued and emotionless, you’re like Ding Taisheng.”

Liang Daiwen didn’t realize he was being mocked and responded, “Oh, I know who that is. I think I’m more objective than him, though.”

“Alright, I get it. My stand-up isn’t that great.”

“It’s not that bad. Speaking of, for the company’s annual meeting, do you want to do a stand-up routine? I could recommend you; they said they’d pay 3000 for the performance.”

“Is your favor that valuable?”

“Probably because I don’t listen to instructions. I can’t say no to things outside of work, so when I suggest something to the boss, they find it reliable.”

“But what if I’m not funny?”

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t know most of the people at the company. I’m just an independent little brand to them. Even if you bomb, it won’t get me fired. And—”

Gu Yi suddenly became a bit anxious, thinking he was about to say something ambiguous, like “It would be worth losing my job for you” or something similar... Though he was usually like a block of wood, sometimes the things he said had an unexpected warmth, and right now, she really needed something like that to steady her emotions.

“And you’re not urgently in need of money to move out, I think the quality of this annual meeting is even a bit higher than Cadillac’s.”

Upon hearing “move out,” Gu Yi’s hand slipped, and with a “squeak,” the razor went all the way down. Lifting the razor, Liang Daiwen had a bald spot right above his temple, as if a dog had taken a bite out of it. Liang Daiwen stared blankly and said, “I feel like my scalp is a bit cold.”

Gu Yi kept apologizing, but the fix was difficult. She could only shorten the hair at the back of his head and try to comb the long hair from the top of his head toward the back. Gu Yi said, “If it’s asymmetrical, I’ll shave the other side for you…”

Liang Daiwen stood up, leaving a pile of hair on the floor. “It’s fine, just think of it as a ‘ghost shaving,’ but your skills really are lacking.”

He really wasn’t angry.

Yu Dule sent a message, one of those long paragraphs that showed he couldn’t wait for Gu Yi to respond, eager to spill everything: “This Guan Xingxin, last time I sent her home and added her on WeChat, I followed the trail and found her Bilibili livestream. She was completely different from when we met to read scripts—her voice was especially sweet, and she wasn’t shy at all when fans gave her tips. The contrast was huge. I pretended to be casual and chatted with her for a bit, asking about astrology and star charts. She was very indifferent, but when I bought a cruise ticket in the livestream, she was really enthusiastic and gave me titles. Do you think there’s a chance here?”

Gu Yi sent back a tired reply: “Your oxytocin is really high.”

“Last time, what did you talk about with Guan Xingxin outside the door? I saw her return with a wise look on her face, like she conveyed some life philosophy to you, and you nearly cried.”

Just as Gu Yi was about to reply, Liang Daiwen came out of the bathroom, wearing a black T-shirt and Bermuda shorts, his legs long and straight. He paced around and sat at the dining table to drink water. Gu Yi realized she had been occupying the sofa for too long and left him nowhere to relax. The two of them silently stared at each other for a few seconds in the room, and she suddenly realized that Liang Daiwen hadn’t brought it up all this time. It seemed like he didn’t want anyone to know about his emotional issues.

Since the topic of moving had already come up, and she couldn’t stay in this place for long, she decided to test the waters.

She pretended to go to the dining table to get some water: “I forgot to ask last time. When you broke up with your ex, was it direct? No signs?”

“The experimental shooting for the human height in a vacuum used my jacket, and I forgot to take my phone out. It accidentally got thrown out of the window. She broke down because I went missing. I told her, ‘You’re making me feel uncomfortable.’ She thought we weren’t on the same wavelength, so we broke up.”

“Uncomfortable... you mean... heartbroken?”

“No, she asked me what was uncomfortable, and I told her I couldn’t describe it, but just seeing her made me feel really bad. She was probably upset, I guess.”

Gu Yi was standing behind him, staring blankly at the refrigerator door. After he said this, he didn’t notice her. He opened the refrigerator door to get some ice, and with a loud bang, he trapped her between the door and the wall. Gu Yi, still upset, had her nose squashed by the door, thinking that this had nothing to do with emotional issues—he was just missing a few strings in his head.

The annual meeting Liang Daiwen mentioned was hosted by a well-known internet giant in the coastal city, renting out a resort area for a three-day, two-night team-building and annual event. When they arrived at the resort and chatted with colleagues, Gu Yi learned that Liang Daiwen was an independent designer but worked under the company’s smart home brand, kind of like an exclusive designer. His main work involved inclusive design for electronic products, adding user-friendly features for people with disabilities. One colleague looked at Gu Yi, curious: “You’re actually his friend?”

“Why?”

“He’s used to being alone, and all communication is done via email. Sometimes the company makes personnel adjustments and changes groups, but he’s always been a lone wolf. He’s hard to work with.”

“Doesn’t he listen to authority?”

“Yes. But his efficiency is high because most adjustments are meaningless—just power struggles. We all envy him a little. He has some fame but doesn’t get micromanaged, and he only comes to the company a few times a year. So when he recommended this stand-up show, we were all looking forward to it.”

“Don’t say that.”

“No, we really want to know what his friends are like. It’s so hard to communicate with him—he’s cold, distant.”

In a Tianjin accent. Gu Yi could sense the workplace atmosphere; everyone was waiting for someone to slip up.

They spent a whole day inside the hotel. The team-building activities and soccer match didn’t concern her. That evening, she sat at the side of the stage with a female colleague dressed in a little dress. The conversation didn’t involve her, and it was a bit hard to endure.

She missed Liang Daiwen a little.

The opening song and dance featured JK skirts, and the host’s announcement was quite jarring: “Let’s welcome the sexy and hot soccer babes!” The applause and cheers indeed signaled the start of the event. Following that, there was a chorus, a lucky draw, and everything proceeded as expected. The next game, however, was even more bizarre: “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our ice-breaking session. We have a lot of new female employees joining in January, so let’s invite ten male and ten female representatives. This game is simple—it tests team coordination. You’ll need to place your hands behind your back and pass an empty water bottle with your body. That’s right, stretch your shoulders and legs, and now, it’s time for the challenge…”

The men and women lined up alternately. Each person’s hands were tied behind their backs with a rope. The first male employee picked up the bottle with his mouth and shyly placed it on the female employee’s neck. The female employee tilted her head to hold it, while the male employee twisted his head to catch it. The bottle fell to the ground. They had to start over. After several failures, some employees had flushed faces, with the male employee’s mouth hovering near the female employee’s chest. The host and the audience teased them: “Come on, you’re almost there. Hey, xxx, what’s going on, don’t be shy, is your mouth not up to the task?”

Some people were recording the video. Gu Yi certainly didn’t expect the internet company to take it this far. The entire game lasted half an hour, and the audience was exhausted from laughing. The host then said, “Let’s welcome stand-up comedian Gu Yi to perform a segment for everyone.”

Gu Yi wasn’t an employee of the company. Following such a program, the applause was a lingering echo from the previous performance. Standing on stage, Gu Yi tried to get into the mood. She had even changed half of her routine, maybe due to nervousness.

“Hello everyone, thank you so much for inviting me to bring a little joy to this annual meeting. My name is Gu Yi, and I’m a stand-up comedian, which basically means I stand here doing nothing flashy but trying hard to make you laugh. I’ve been to many different events, including corporate annual meetings, car launch events, and lifestyle app premieres... It feels like stand-up comedy is slowly being defined as something cultural events must have, which actually makes me pretty proud. I usually gauge how many cultured people are in the audience by how much you laugh.” Hearing the applause and laughter, Gu Yi smiled: “Thank you for your support. I feel pretty confident today. After all, after this party ends, you’ll get seven days off. Even if I just stand here and squawk, you’ll still be happy. And don’t worry, I won’t talk about work at the annual meeting. If I roast the boss, you wouldn’t dare to laugh. I’d deserve the cold reception, and I’d be paid and unhappy. The New Year’s coming, and we all deserve to have a good time.”

The beginning went smoothly. Gu Yi looked at the first row of bosses in suits, their stomachs varying in size, holding wine glasses while observing her. Their gazes were really quite innocent—probably because Gu Yi, dressed in trousers, didn’t look particularly sexy.

Gu Yi didn’t get upset, instead, she was frantically rewriting her script in her head.

“Let me share with you some of my experiences at previous company annual meetings. The first annual meeting I performed at was for a company in Suzhou. The boss was from Dalian and ran a clothing business in Suzhou. The company had many people from the Northeast, and it was located in an industrial park. The company’s interior was very modern, so the whole thing felt a bit split. They wanted to make the annual meeting upscale but also grounded, so they invited me, along with a skit performance. Before I went, I guessed maybe they were trying to raise the overall tone of the company by replacing the two-person skit with me. But when I got to the event, I immediately felt like I was embarrassing the Northeasterners because I really didn’t look funny at all. The skit performers wore Zhao Benshan’s costumes, and more than half of the audience were from the Northeast. I basically lost terribly. If I wasn’t so reluctant to lose the taxi fare, I would’ve vanished immediately. But I thought, I’m already here, I might as well earn the money.”

“It was during the rehearsal in the afternoon that I realized, this small annual meeting was still quite upscale. The program even had directors and editors. One of the skit performers had a scene where they drank white wine, but the director said it was not allowed because there was going to be a live broadcast, and it would be stopped immediately. Later, there was a scene where a boss raised a glass of champagne as a conclusion, and they couldn’t steal the spotlight. You see, they weren’t very smart—live broadcasts have many restrictions. But since we weren’t broadcasting, we had many more exciting elements.”

The bosses in the audience showed some awkwardness. Gu Yi pretended not to notice and continued.

“But I didn’t expect the skit performers to have some real skills. They performed five consecutive backflips and spun their heads around wildly with a power drill. Something like this—”

Gu Yi thought, since Liang Daiwen wasn’t in the audience, she might as well go all out. She performed a rapid head-spin, twisting her head dozens of times, almost feeling like her brain would fly out. The audience burst into laughter. Taking advantage of the moment, she said, “This routine will never be performed again. I’m doing this for your applause today.”

Finally, there was some awkward laughter.

“You see, you’ve been tricked. This is a way of forcing applause. I learned this from them last year. The skit performers also mastered the essence of stand-up comedy. While interacting with the audience, they directly took off the boss’s hat, and the boss was wearing a wig... I thought my job was gone. The skit performers really know how to take the concept of ‘offending’ to the extreme.”

“So that performance was a huge failure for me. Later, I got smarter and only performed at events with no cultural depth, like those hosted by coal bosses or big hotels. Even if I couldn’t make people laugh, at least I looked cultured. During awkward moments, I could pretend to have delivered a punchline for people with no understanding. But today, I’m happy to be here. The people in the internet industry have much stronger entertainment abilities, they’ve read books, and they know there’s now something called a ‘cerebral orgasm.’ The interactive game earlier was also very high-level. It seemed like there was no physical contact, but everyone had a great time. I saw that the bosses were also enjoying it. It’s probably because they’ve seen so much in life. As for someone like me, a stand-up worker, who doesn’t earn much, I can’t really understand the joy of this game.”

After the sarcastic final remarks, the audience fell silent. Some laughed a few times, but it quickly quieted down. What was going on? Liang Daiwen had just introduced the most expensive deal of the year. How could he have sprayed the boss just because he couldn’t stand the borderline nature of this company’s annual event? Fortunately, Liang Daiwen wasn’t there. It would have been embarrassing enough for her alone; who knows what the colleagues would be saying about him behind his back.

Gu Yi took a bow at the end and descended from the stage, her legs shaking. But then, she saw Liang Daiwen, who was about to go on stage. He should have been on a business trip to Beijing, but now he was hiding behind a prop, only his face visible, with his usual expressionless look. The expensive costume prop hid most of his advantages, and the host’s announcement continued with a chorus on environmentalism. Liang Daiwen was about to play a—tree.