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Where did these pessimistic feelings come from?
At first, they were just some trivial matters.
One day, after finishing her tutoring session, she took the bus home. Bored during the ride, she pulled out her phone and absentmindedly opened the school forum to see if anyone was gossiping about her again. To her surprise, she unexpectedly saw a photo of Xiao Zhi and Tang Fei on the homepage of a post.
“Big scoop! Is this Senior X and Princess?”
“What? Didn’t he reject her? What’s going on?”
“What? Cheating?”
“Damn, I knew the ‘sudden rival’ couldn’t beat the childhood friend!”
“LZ (original poster), hurry up or we’ll break your legs.”
“LZ, hurry up or we’ll curse you with failing exams.”
“LZ, hurry up or we’ll call the police.”
“LZ here. How many of you are human?”
“Not much to it. LZ ran into them while transferring files back at school. Also saw HL; the three of them went into the faculty cafeteria together.”
“My goodness, what does Princess think she’s doing? Can’t get him herself so she brings Mommy to help?”
“Hilarious, her face is so thick. This is knowingly being the other woman?”
“True. Putting myself in that journalism school junior’s shoes, I’d be heartbroken already.”
...
A regular gossip thread, still filled with teasing laughter. For others, it was just an amusing story, but for Yin Mengxi, it felt like a sharp knife piercing her heart.
—Do Xiao Zhi and Tang Fei meet often during the summer?
Well... They both lived in the school’s residential area, their activity ranges completely overlapping. It was inevitable they’d bump into each other frequently.
But—but Tang Fei had confessed to him before, and he didn’t accept her. Could they really act as if nothing happened and continue being friends comfortably?
…Or had he changed his mind?
Perhaps after dating her for a while, he suddenly thought Tang Fei was better and wanted to repair his relationship with her and be with her instead?
Chaotic thoughts kept bubbling up, and Yin Mengxi found she couldn’t control her mind—she certainly didn’t doubt Xiao Zhi’s character. He was so humble and gentle, always considerate and proper in his actions. How could he be that kind of fickle jerk? Even if he fell for someone else and wanted to break up with her, she believed he would tell her clearly first, not secretly juggle two relationships.
But…
…She was immediately overwhelmed by an unusually unfamiliar and intense emotion.
It felt like fear mixed with sadness, akin to bitterness and grievance. If achieving a perfect intimate relationship was like getting into a prestigious university, then the end of her secret admiration was merely equivalent to graduating from kindergarten. Ahead lay six years of elementary school and six years of middle school, countless exams waiting for her. Yet, she was already trembling with fear just stepping into the gates of compulsory education.
Am I particularly pathetic?
…Or do all secret admirers find it hard to truly cure their inner humility and timidity?
That evening, they talked on the phone again.
He spoke to her as gently as usual, asking if teaching was tiring and whether she encountered any problems. Hearing that the results of the Journalism School’s major allocation were out, he asked which department she had been assigned to.
“Broadcasting and Television,” she answered formally, “my first choice.”
With such an outstanding GPA, ranking fifth among the entire class of 2011, she naturally got her wish without encountering any difficulties in the allocation process. However, he noticed her voice sounded a bit down, her enthusiasm seemingly low, so he asked, “Are you feeling unwell today?”
She was startled on the other end of the phone: “Huh?”
“Your voice sounds a bit weak,” he seemed concerned. “Did something happen?”
She loved this feeling—being cared for and valued by him. A small inquiry was like a gift, offering her immense comfort—would she always have this privilege? Or would it be transferred to someone else?
The feeling of uncertainty began to surface. At that moment, she really wanted to ask him about Tang Fei, but the words reached her lips yet couldn’t come out.
—What should she ask?
Why did he see Tang Fei today?
What did Secretary Hong say?
Would he change his mind and break up with her?
Such trivial, hesitant questions… even she would find them annoying if she heard them.
“No,” so she didn’t ask, hiding all her emotions deep inside. “Maybe it’s too hot today, and I’m a bit stuffy.”
He didn’t suspect. The pros and cons of not seeing each other lied here—avoiding the burden of being questioned also eliminated the opportunity to be consoled.
“Rest well,” he advised her. “You always push yourself too hard.”
She knew he was referring to her helping out in the drama club last semester. She smiled faintly without responding, remaining silent for a while, still uneasy. Then, she tentatively asked, “How about you, Senior? Did you encounter anything special today?”
Tell me.
Tell me you saw Tang Fei today.
Even if you don’t mention what you specifically talked about, just telling me that it happened would be enough.
Her silent anticipation fermented within her. On the surface, she appeared calm, but beneath, her tension was intense. An ordinary phone call felt like a matter of life and death. Everything seemed precarious.
“No,” he told her. “Just a very ordinary day.”
Snap.
The precarious thread snapped, and a heavy stone plunged into the lake, making a dull splash.
“...Oh, I see.” Her voice grew softer.
The rest of the summer vacation became increasingly worse.
No new posts about him and Tang Fei appeared on the school forum, which was both good and bad for Yin Mengxi—good because she didn’t have to face new bad news, bad because she couldn’t receive new good news either.
As a student, she had never longed for the start of school as much as she did during that holiday. Because once school started, she could see him and personally confirm whether their relationship could continue. But that uncooperative summer dragged on endlessly. July and August both had thirty-one days—wasn’t that deliberately antagonizing her?
Finally enduring until mid-August, the one-month tutoring job was finally over. The parents wanted her to tutor for another half month until school started, but she refused. On the way home with the money, she couldn’t help checking train tickets, calculating the possibility of returning to City A before the 20th.
Her parents naturally didn’t want her to leave early, as children would be gone for a whole semester, leaving them worried. But Yin Mengxi couldn’t hold on any longer. She made up an excuse, saying she had to return to school early to help the Youth League Committee with the freshmen reception work—not exactly a lie, as the committee indeed had this task. Though not part of her department, she could apply to help when she returned, making it not entirely a lie.
She had made up her mind, and no amount of persuasion would change it. On the 19th, she boarded the train with her suitcase. Outside the window was a vast expanse of lush fields. The vitality of a summer clear sky was always so narrative. Normally, she would take out her phone to take pictures, but that day, her messy heart left her unmotivated.
What could she say?
She knew how bad this was… A few groundless rumors on the forum could unsettle her for more than half a month, even absurdly prompting her to rush back to school ahead of schedule. But what could she do by returning? She hadn’t told Xiao Zhi she was coming back today. Once there, how could she find an excuse to see him? The lies she told her parents wouldn’t work on him. He knew what the Youth League Committee did and understood that welcoming new students wasn’t her job.
Sigh…
Maybe she should just leave it to fate.
At worst, she could hang around the library more often once she arrived. Maybe she’d run into him by chance. Pretending to bump into him wouldn’t hurt, right? She could make up any excuse, like needing to investigate which dental hospital was best for wisdom tooth extraction for future reference…
Bizarre ideas kept popping out, surprising even herself with how far-fetched they were. She pondered for half a day. The sun slowly sank from its zenith to the west, and the greenery of the fields became indistinct under the dimming light. The large glass window only reflected her own face. Perhaps at that moment, she felt an unspoken loneliness.
Ding-ding-ding—
Her phone rang. Picking it up, she saw it was him calling.
Her breathing momentarily faltered, and she unintentionally tensed up again. After carefully adjusting her breath, she dared to answer. Her voice trembled slightly as she said, “Hello.”
“Have you arrived home?”
His voice came through, more captivating than the summer wilderness she had gazed upon all day.
“…Not yet.” She guiltily replied.
How could she hide it?
All around were noises: the sound of the train rolling over the tracks, passengers chatting, safety announcements on the broadcast, children crying for their mothers… Clearly, it wasn’t at home.
He probably sensed something was off, falling silent for a moment on the other end before asking, “Where are you?”
His tone turned somewhat serious.
She became a little afraid, not daring to tell the truth for some reason, intending to vaguely gloss over it. Suddenly, the broadcast chimed “ding-dong,” and the attendant announced clearly, “Attention all passengers, Nanjing Station is approaching—Nanjing Station is approaching—Passengers getting off at Nanjing Station, please prepare your luggage—Nanjing Station is approaching—”
She: “… “
…Thus, everything was instantly exposed.
Absurd excuses like investigating dental hospitals never came into play. She was still on the train when he saw through her pretense. She didn’t know his reaction, only hearing his voice deepen as he asked when she would arrive. Thus, she dared not beat around the bush anymore and honestly told him it should be exactly 8:30.
“I’ll come pick you up,” his speech quickened, with little fluctuation. “There might be traffic. If I’m late, find a place to sit and wait for me.”
She stammered, feeling increasingly guilty listening to his voice. “...Alright, okay.”
In reality, he didn’t let her wait.
At 8:30, her train arrived on time. When she dragged her suitcase out of the exit, she spotted him immediately in the crowd—heaven knows how many people were there. Departing and arriving passengers, walking and standing, shoulder to shoulder, heads bobbing everywhere. Yet, only he stood out so distinctly, effortlessly capturing her gaze and plunging her into his enchantingly picturesque eyes.
—What summer wilderness?
How could it compare to this person she adored so deeply?
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