Chapter 84

Your dreams aren’t big enough to hold my two lines of tears.

When Guan Xingxin arrived at the restaurant, Huang Wenda wasn’t there yet. She sat near the plants in the lobby, holding back from yelling at him. Her expression darkened as she saw Huang Wenda with the production team. He gave a quick introduction: “She was just shopping nearby. We’re not eating together anymore.”

The production team added, “Since you’re here already, why don’t we all eat together?”

If she could curse them out loud in public, Guan Xingxin would have grabbed Huang Wenda by the neck and screamed at him all night—she’d worked so hard to see Yu Doule again, and had so much to explain to her ex-boyfriend. But Huang Wenda reached out to stop her, saying calmly, “I heard she has other talk show offers too. How can we ask her to join us for dinner now?”

Guan Xingxin understood. This “public appearance” was Huang Wenda’s way to raise his own value. A chance meeting in a city center mall showed off his arrogance and disdain; going out personally to discuss shows with others demonstrated his sincerity and ability; working alone proved his courage.

But it wasn’t worth the cost. She forced a smile as Huang Wenda slipped something into her hand and walked away with his arm around her shoulder. To anyone watching, it looked like an affectionate gesture. Guan Xingxin met everyone’s eyes, then said gently but firmly, “I really do have things to take care of. Please continue without me.”

In her palm was a room key card. A text message arrived:

Don’t get the wrong idea—it’s not about sleeping together. There’s nothing much to see around here anyway. You can rest in the bar for a bit; I’ll be staying here tonight.

She ended up staring out the window at the view in the bar for two whole hours, lost in thought.

When Huang Wenda came back upstairs and saw her, he snapped his fingers in front of her face. “Am I interrupting something important? You look like you’ve lost your soul.”

She didn’t have the energy to complain to him. All she asked was, “Did they replace me?”

“The plot twists and turns. Your parents are as ordinary as they come, but because you’re good-looking and were once seen as a victim on Weibo—with just enough controversy—you seem valuable to them now. It’s like that streetwear designer they brought on. They think he’s clueless and stupid, but he’ll keep their show trending without having to pay for ads. You two could dominate all the conversation topics. As long as there aren’t any weird scandals about you, you should be able to stay on the show. They might replace that cute girl and the student, though.”

“My parents are ordinary,” Guan Xingxin said with a smile. “But I do have ‘impressive’ ones.”

“Never mind. These days, no matter who you are or whose kid you are, there’s always enough dirt on your parents to make things awkward for their children.”

A surge of raw energy churned in Guan Xingxin’s stomach. She gulped down a glass of water. “If you called me over at dinner just to show off, then it was worth coming. But now you’ve dragged me here to sit and wait in a hotel room while you’re out. What am I, some bird you keep around?”

“You idiot. If I ask you to join us for a meal, does that make you feel inferior? Don’t you get it? Showing up is about making them know you’re my friend—so they won’t mess with you. You’re so heartless sometimes. When others help you, you take it as if it’s normal. Do you even have feelings?”

“I’m sorry.” Guan Xingxin suppressed her rising disgust. “I’ll definitely see this through to the end—at least I should finish what I started. I’m leaving.”

A coldness seemed to constantly swirl inside her body. She felt like vomiting, dizzy and chilled. As she stood up, her vision went black, and she collapsed onto the carpet with a thud, everything spinning around her.

Huang Wenda remained calm. He picked her up and said, “Send some food to my room; she has low blood sugar.”

A piece of chocolate was shoved into his mouth. The air conditioning blasted cold air as he stood wrapped tightly in blankets by the bathroom sink—making a phone call. He seemed to have many projects to discuss or perhaps needed to keep talking to fill the loneliness. Guan Xingxin sank deep into the soft blankets, wanting nothing more than to drown in this moment—Gu Yi’s old house didn’t even have a mattress; its bed frame was hard and uncomfortable.

Huang Wenda walked out softly. “You’re awake now. There’s still some chocolate, cookies, and sweet drinks at the bedside. If you feel sick, eat something. Whether it’s low blood sugar or lack of oxygen, what you need most is fresh air, sweets, and rest.”

“You really understand,” she said.

“Jacqueline used to be like this often—or rather, most women tend to get low blood sugar. When we were young, I would often make her sweet potato pudding with milk for her, adding lots of honey so it was very sweet.”

“Just now... I’m sorry. You were clearly helping me, but I—I was waiting downstairs at my ex-boyfriend’s company.”

“Forget him. You’ll soon have a much better life ahead.”

“It won’t happen. Tell me—aren’t some people just born without any value?”

“Yes, but they can still become someone else’s reason for living.”

After a few seconds, Guan Xingxin smiled. “You should accept that Jacqueline has already moved on too.”

Huáng Wéndá glanced at his watch. “I’ll call room service, do you want anything to eat?”

She shook her head. The darkness from the window crept in, enveloping the room that hadn’t been turned on. She said, “You’re the only friend I have when I’m lonely.”

“Who could disagree? But coincidentally, I don’t have any friends either.”

There had been some changes to the show. From the seventh episode onward, the male student and the sweet girl had left the show, replaced by a recently resigned internet worker and a yoga teacher. According to the script, Guān Xǐngxīn was supposed to have a love triangle with the internet worker and the VC guy, flirting with both of them. But the script was ridiculous; she was supposed to cry to the VC guy because he had fallen for the finance woman. The finance woman in the show was competent and sharp, with short, slender hair—a strong woman and a strong man, the kind of couple that the audience loved. If she cried, it would likely shift the VC guy’s attention back to her, but she was too lazy to do that. That day, the weather had turned cold. When they went to the supermarket, the VC guy was clearly chasing after the finance woman, pushing the shopping cart attentively while she was left alone. Back at the share house, cameras were set up in the kitchen and dining room. Guān Xǐngxīn sat across from the VC guy and the female boss, still smiling weakly and gently, but the VC guy’s gaze toward her was no longer suggestive. The internet guy went to the kitchen to serve soup, and Guān Xǐngxīn stood up and said, “I’ll go too.” At the kitchen door, she leaned against the doorframe, and the VC guy called out, “You don’t have to pay so much attention to the newcomer, men can do it themselves.”

Her back was still visible in the dining room, but her head and shoulders stretched into the kitchen, where she gently kissed the internet guy. The camera angle captured the perfect shot, and through the crack in the door, the VC guy could see. It wasn’t something she planned, just something she was good at. Yú Dùlè would definitely edit it well, knowing that her ex was excellent at creating cinematic moments.

After finishing that episode, Guān Xǐngxīn went back home. Huáng Wéndá had forbidden her from doing small ads or becoming a livestream influencer, something she knew she couldn’t do anyway. She posted photos of her painted dolls on Weibo, as she was skilled with her hands. Some people in the doll community reached out to her to make clothes for dolls, so all she needed was a camera to record the process. She even opened a TikTok account as a way to promote it.

The door of the old house was covered in locksmith advertisements. When she knocked, her parents were having dinner at home. On the old tea table were two bowls of noodles with fried meat sauce, and her online variety show was being cast on the TV. Her parents were very surprised. “You’re back? You should tell Old Chen and his wife…”

“No need,” Guān Xǐngxīn frowned. “It can wait, don’t call them this time. I’m here to see you.”

“Chen Ma treats you like her own daughter. How can you say such unfilial things?”

“Can we call them tomorrow?”

“Alright, alright,” her dad glanced around. “Where’s your suitcase? How long are you staying?”

“I’m leaving the day after tomorrow.”

“Children grow up and can’t be kept. Old Guān, go to the restaurant downstairs and buy a couple of dishes. Xīn Xīn hasn’t eaten yet. It’s not easy for her to come back, she should eat more. You’re the thinnest on the show.” Her mom’s mood seemed to improve. “I saw the boys on the show all say they like you. How’s it going? Are you getting married soon?”

“That’s just for the show.”

“You know, we don’t understand these variety shows. Back in the days of If You Are the One, just holding hands was enough. Now you’re locked in a house together. Is it safe? You’re not sleeping in the same room with the men, right?”

Guān Xǐngxīn laughed. “If we didn’t sleep in the same room, would you prefer I got pregnant? Wouldn’t that be just what you want?”

Her mom looked hurt. She took the noodles into the kitchen. “I’ll break you and that little Yú up, and you’ll turn against me. Wait until you’re a mom, you’ll understand.” She moved the tea table to the side and, while bending over, Guān Xǐngxīn noticed a patch on her mom’s back. The smell of the medicine was pungent. Her mom hadn’t had so many health issues before. Time always exposed signs of “dilapidation.” Her dad wasn’t good at socializing; he was a teacher at a vocational school, had few students, and no private lessons. The only reason he continued teaching was for a pension that was slightly better than retiring early. She wasn’t hungry for the greasy food in front of her. If Old Chen and his wife were here, they would have gone to a private restaurant. She suddenly felt exhausted—what was the difference between her and her mom? Greed.

Back from Shanghai, her parents didn’t blame her. At the table, they said they were glad they stopped the relationship in time, or else little Yú would have eaten swan meat. Guān Xǐngxīn was getting impatient. “Mom, can’t you count? Yú Dùlè makes at least forty thousand a month, ten times more than Dad. How can you call him a toad?”

“Forty thousand a month and he dresses like that? Didn’t you see how flustered he was when he met us? That money must be from cheating.”

“Dad, the video you saw, he edited it. Can you stop guessing about people based on your own thinking? He’s my ex, can you at least respect him?”

“Xīn Xīn, I need to tell you this. If you find someone you like on the show, don’t mention your boyfriend. It’s too embarrassing. If you really have to, just say he’s a teacher or a civil servant.”

Guān Xǐngxīn laughed. A former boyfriend who earned forty thousand a month, and he couldn’t even pretend to be a civil servant. She didn’t know whether to say that time had allowed them to see through things or if they just maintained their innocence in the small city. Her dad only said, “Xīn Xīn, you’re almost thirty. We’re all waiting for you to get married and have children.”

She felt a headache coming on. She changed her return flight. “I have to go back tomorrow, there’s something in Shanghai.”

With the official show recording, her parents couldn’t stop her. There was nothing to talk about with her parents, but the bed at home was comforting, and she was tired by 10 PM. Early in the morning, her mom sat at the head of the bed. When she woke up, the smell of medicine filled the air. Her mom was wiping tears. “Xīn Xīn, I will never harm you. If you get married now, you have everything, no worries about money. Marriage guarantees security.”

“Mom, it’s just a show. When I make money, maybe I won’t need to get married.”

“If you keep talking like this, I’ll die.” Her mom gritted her teeth. “Do you know how hard it is to get married after thirty?”

“Mom, whatever you want to do, just don’t brag about this show in our hometown.” Guān Xǐngxīn had held back for a long time, but she finally said, “Especially don’t involve Old Chen and his wife. The building they supervised, the quality check failed, and it became a haunted building twenty years ago. I’ve been their ‘little Yi’ for so many years, didn’t dare say a word on the show. I didn’t even dare to tell them I’m back this time. You want me to find a good husband, right?”

“One thing is one thing. The Chen family has been good to us, but nobody knows about it. You still have to be grateful to them,” her mother said.

“Mom!” Guan Xingxin gritted her teeth. “Let me finish the show, alright? I only have the two of you as parents, and I’ve already done my best with everyone else.”

It turned out that coming back in a hurry was indeed the right decision. The last two recordings of the variety show were scheduled together and finished early. Thank goodness there was a celebration party that evening, and the editing team would also be there. Guan Xingxin was clearly in a better mood during the recording because, after all, she would be seeing Yu Dule that night, and everyone would be there—he couldn’t avoid her. Unexpectedly, she also had a standout moment on the show—during the final choice, the VC man and the finance woman, the couple everyone expected, confessed to each other, only for the VC man to reject her, saying, “I’m sorry, I choose Guan Xingxin.”

The script hadn’t written it that way. After a brief moment of shock, Guan Xingxin smiled and rejected both men on camera, saying, “Although I appreciate you both, I feel that compared to the person I want to spend my life with, you’re just a little short.”

When the shoot wrapped up, she bowed to each camera. At twenty-eight, the first time she walked into the Rongmao Theater yard and saw the boy with hair casually brushed past his ears, who then took her into a romantic antique shop and talked about opening a store for exchanging strange dreams, she knew she would never meet a more interesting boy in her life. That winter, she began to like cornflowers, secretly pierced as many ear holes as he had, started to enjoy the taste of fried chicken and cola, slept in the same bed, and shared the same dreams. These were irreplaceable memories for her, and although they had been broken, she still wanted to protect them for a little longer. She didn’t agree with the illusion that was created being shattered.

This was also the ending she had already prepared for the show.

At the celebration banquet, the director came over to toast her. The two women stood together, and Guan Xingxin had changed her straight black hair into curls, looking thin and star-like. The director clinked his glass and said, “You really made this ending interesting. When the show airs, you’ll probably be trending again.” Guan Xingxin just smiled and replied, “No, I’m still not worthy of trending. The show team might get some buzz because of me, but I didn’t come here in vain.”

After saying that, she spotted Yu Dule from afar. They were both on the second floor, but one was in the east hall and the other in the west hall. To meet, they had to go downstairs and change stairs. She rushed over, handing the drink back to the bartender, thinking, “Please, Yu Dule, don’t move, talk to me for a moment. I need you to know I still care about you.”

Yu Dule wasn’t interested in such occasions and hadn’t expected to meet Guan Xingxin. The director’s ex-girlfriend said, “You should always expand your network.” He grabbed a drink, planning to go to the terrace for some fresh air, but heard two people talking behind him. Huang Wendá and the producer were laughing heartily. “Isn’t she amazing? The first time I met her, she scolded me, saying she didn’t care for my Lamborghini.”

“But for the show, she still worked hard. She wants to be famous, right? Did she sleep with you a few days ago?”

“What do you take me for? I don’t just sleep with anyone. She’s just…”

Before he could finish, Huang Wendá was grabbed by Yu Dule by the collar, and the drink was thrown in his face. The people around were stunned, but Huang Wendá understood who it was, laughing as he wiped his face with a napkin. It was awkward, but he didn’t feel embarrassed.

Guan Xingxin ran over, not seeing what had happened, just relieved that Yu Dule was still there. It had been more than two months since they last saw each other. Yu Dule had his hair tied back and was wearing a rare suit, his face showing no expression when he saw her. Guan Xingxin fought back tears and took a deep breath, saying, “Dule, long time no see.”

“Mm.”

“Thank you for editing my show. I was able to perform so well because of you.”

“It’s your own charm,” Yu Dule smiled. “I just edited it honestly.”

He was still gentle! Thinking about his foolish expressions, his strange ways of comforting her, his year-long infatuation… Guan Xingxin’s tears caught in her throat. “Dule, I miss you. The show is finished, and I’m planning to find a job and make money. Can we… can we be together again?”

Yu Dule turned around, his expression one she had never seen before—polite, gentlemanly, and keeping her at arm’s length. “Of course not—I never planned to forgive you.”