Chapter 53

In the end, love was decided in an instant; if you can’t seize it, the story ends.

Gu Yi was drenched, her teeth chattering as she glanced at Xu Guanrui, and suddenly started laughing. Xu Guanrui caught her laughter, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, a hint of relief in his expression. Gu Yi said, “Don’t compliment me on how good I look right now, I don’t accept sweet words.”

“No, you look ugly, like a madwoman.”

Those words sounded just like Liang Daiwen.

“But the one who’ll go mad with you is me, and I’m grateful for that.”

Water splashed into her eyes, and the neon lights blurred into a hazy, ambiguous glow. Perhaps that’s how tenderness flowed. In the midst of her dazed thoughts, Xu Guanrui suddenly pushed her into the center of the fountain. A new burst of water shot up, splashing her and making her scream with surprise. She laughed through her tears, chasing after him, pushing him into the water spray. Cold water splashed over Xu Guanrui, but he just laughed, resisting her playful push, refusing to surrender. The rhythmic sound of the water filled her ears, splashing loudly. Gu Yi thought, the last words Xu Guanrui said, mixed with the sound of the water, left a seductive yet tender ellipsis for this somewhat cold night.

He was also leaving himself an unresolved opportunity.

Security guards came to expel them. The two ran through two blocks, the rainless night drawing curious glances from passersby. These two young people, drenched through, must have escaped from somewhere. Her earrings swayed with her running steps, and Xu Guanrui didn’t meet her eyes; he only watched her earrings. Maybe for her, it was a romantic moment—drenched girl running through the bustling streets, lights of different colors reflecting off her clothes, her skin showing through, the click-clack of her Mary Jane shoes, like a humid, flowing charm.

They both inevitably got high fevers, biting thermometers while making phone calls, their voices hoarse with each passing word. Gu Yi couldn’t get out of bed. Xu Guanrui kept his spirits up, telling her stories. With each word, he crawled a step closer to the fever medicine, then crawled back to the bed to continue his story… At 2 AM, Xu Guanrui’s fever didn’t subside, and the stories turned into rambling nonsense. Gu Yi felt like she was breathing at the bottom of a pitch-black lake. She closed her eyes and saw Liang Daiwen, whose face never smiled. The fresh longing for him sank deeper, becoming like water plants growing higher and higher, wrapping around her ankles. She couldn’t rise, slowly sinking further down. Xu Guanrui’s voice came from outside the lake, muffled and distant, “Gu Yi, are you okay? I’m still here...”

Who would dare mock love? All kinds of symptoms come and go, and immunity makes one silently evolve. Even water plants will wither, and the sounds from the surface of the lake will gradually become clearer. A hand reaches in, pulling her upward. She thinks, it’s good to go outside and get a breath of fresh air.

Returning to work after the break, her lunch companion didn’t show up—Xu Guanrui, who was dehydrated from a fever, hadn’t gone to work either. With no medicine at home, he had to get an IV drip at the hospital for three days straight.

Life didn’t come to a halt and gather dust like she had imagined. Everything went on as usual. There were interviews to do, articles to be written, and little comics for the public account that were occasionally shared. Every month, she received a few thousand in tips and ad revenue... She didn’t have the chance to perform stand-up comedy, but it wasn’t too bad.

And then, she still had to help Yu Dule with his confession.

On a weekend at the end of October, Yu Dule seriously prepared for it, asking Gu Yi to make sure Guan Xingxin was at home after 8 p.m. The two met at a restaurant, and by the time Gu Yi arrived, Guan Xingxin had already drunk two glasses of wine, her cheeks flushed as she sat at the table. Plans had to go on, so Gu Yi quickly ate some dinner, and as she stuffed bread into her mouth, Guan Xingxin asked, “Is Yu Dule going to confess to me today?”

“I don’t know.”

“Stop pretending,” Guan Xingxin said, holding her phone. “He told me to go to the office earlier, and I overheard him calling the flower market.”

“Is that why you’re drinking?”

“No. My mom used my information to fill out a profile on a dating site, even bought VIP services for over 30,000, to find me a marriage partner. The matchmaker called me ten times while I was in a meeting. Do they think I have so much free time?”

This was the first time Gu Yi saw Guan Xingxin angry. Her angry expression was also beautiful, not at all distant, her cheeks flushed. Gu Yi’s protective instincts suddenly surged. Guan Xingxin paid the bill and left, saying, “I hope Chen Ma doesn’t call tonight. I really don’t want to deal with another mom.”

“Having four parents... does it feel complicated?”

“More experiences, maybe. When I was seven, Chen Dad and Chen Ma came to claim me. I was very resistant to them, thinking they had bad intentions coming into my family. A year later, the two families spent the New Year together, and my brother gave both dads the same mousepad. Back then, I hated Chen Dad and smeared his ink with my fountain pen. When we got home, the stained one was switched back into my dad’s pocket. I don’t know if it was Chen Ma or my brother, but I was really angry. But I was the one who spilled the ink. When they talked about it later, my mom said she switched it because she didn’t want to upset Chen Ma, since I still had my piano class. The whole thing was just awful, had nothing to do with love, but people call this ‘entanglement’—they’ve really beautified it, haven’t they? People collect happiness and experience misfortune, staying busy and sweeping all the garbage into their minds as memories. In the end, it’s all about the ugly nature of humanity.”

Gu Yi walked beside her, maybe Guan Xingxin really had drunk too much; these things might not have a chance to be said to anyone else.

“After the college entrance exams, I dyed my hair for the first time. My mom and Chen Ma called me late at night to get it dyed back. Didn’t they know that hair dye is a second-hand harm? They just liked to control me, didn’t allow me to cross any boundaries. And the video of me in a hotel room—my mom’s still too embarrassed to face it. She said she hasn’t left the house for three weeks, afraid of meeting the neighbors, still thinks I’ve lost my value. After all, I’m turning thirty next year.”

Gu Yi got a little annoyed, “Adults have to take responsibility for themselves. Isn’t it lazy and cowardly to always blame everything on your family?”

Guan Xingxin looked at the elevator numbers, rolling her eyes. “You talk like a stand-up comedian. It’s not as simple as just those four words—‘original family’. I really hate it when people use those four words to sum up all the problems of the first twenty years of life. Adult selfishness doesn’t change even when the child grows up. Parents and children are just parts of each other’s social lives, using each other. It’s only ‘love’ that makes this hypocrisy hard to explain. Even if you have just one mom, the love you get is 100%. But when you have four parents, each one thinks they can give a little less, because they have to make room for others. Four 70% loves multiplied together gives you only 24%. What’s even more ridiculous is they want me to repay 400%.”

“Don’t think that way...”

“I’m not saying I don’t love my parents. I love all four of them, and my brother too. I won’t be rebellious for long. Little rabbit, before I give in, let me at least love Yu Dule seriously. I want to try. Maybe you hate that I’m wavering between two people, and Yu Dule will mind my past relationships with married men, but I’m just an imperfect person. I want love from many people.”

When they exited the elevator, Guan Xingxin opened the door. The living room lights were off, and Yu Dule sat in the living room, a custom-made fondant cake in front of him. On the cake, in the folds of a blue floral dress, there was a doll that looked like Guan Xingxin. It was the doll she had once drawn for Lu Ming, and it looked almost identical to her. Yu Dule said, “Lu Shu heard I was going to pursue you, so he sponsored me the doll.”

“Don’t you want to pretend a little and give me a surprise?”

“You know me too well. But I’m a bit thirsty, can you get me a can of cola from the fridge?”

Guan Xingxin was a little helpless. She had been expecting some sense of ceremony in this confession, but still glanced around in the dark. It seemed everything was as usual. The flowers that should have been there were missing, and she didn’t see them upstairs either. She opened the fridge door, and the familiar fragrance greeted her.

The fridge was packed with cornflowers. Just then, the lights turned on, and the entire second floor was filled with cornflowers. The whole room, half the wall, was covered with blue flowers. Guan Xingxin’s eyes sparkled—this was what she wanted.

“I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time. Since I met you, you’ve always lacked security. Maybe I didn’t do enough. But blindness might be a hint. You’ll get something special, like you’ll see the sea as vast blackness, and the blue will feel unpredictable... You’re special. I like you. Even though you’re always disappointed with this unexciting world, I won’t ever get tired of you. I’ll always care for you, be the one who loves you most. These words might sound off, damn, I didn’t prepare like this.”

Yu Dule could only see Guan Xingxin’s back. From Gu Yi’s perspective, Guan Xingxin’s eyes were red, “You’ve said so many sweet things, but this time, it was really average.”

“How about I rap for you?”

“No, please, shut up.”

Single people can’t stand such mushy scenes. Gu Yi quietly retreated from the door, thinking to herself, “All they do is laugh. Stop with the stand-up and go back to your old job. At least be a dependable—man.”

Xu Guanrui’s business trip allowance was not fully spent, so he invited Gu Yi to take a cruise to Japan. Yu Dule found a job in the near winter, working as a post-production editor for a comedy variety show, and to celebrate, she decided to join Gu Yi. Gu Yi never expected that the four of them would travel together, and she nervously worried that Xu Guanrui might see this as a double date. Xu Guanrui only casually complained, “I know, you’re just taking advantage of me being a free tour guide and translator.”

There was no signal at sea, and Xu Guanrui knocked on Gu Yi’s door, holding a CD player. The two of them lay on the bed listening to albums, from Nakajima Mika to B’z, making Gu Yi feel sleepy. She was a bit sentimental. When Liang Daiwen was in Shanghai, Xu Guanrui had tried to confess every day, but now they were purely friends, so pure that he seemed untouchable, despite his impatience. He acted like a gentleman, never taking advantage of her vulnerability, even quietly accompanying her to heal. Gu Yi hugged her pillow, “I want to ask, when you broke up with Jacqueline, was it really her who dumped you?”

“Yeah.”

“She really had strong control issues.”

Xu Guanrui smiled slightly, “Why bring her up?”

“I’m just curious about why you dated her, considering how she manipulated you at work. I’m curious what was so attractive about her in a relationship.”

“Attraction between people has no reasons, it’s always unexpected.”

When they disembarked at Yokohama Port, the four followed the tour group. The customs officers processed them orderly, but when it was Gu Yi’s turn, she was stopped and told to return to the ship to rest. Gu Yi hesitated for a moment, then looked at Xu Guanrui, who negotiated in Japanese for a few minutes. The customs officers and their superior reported back and motioned for them to pass.

Gu Yi followed behind Xu Guanrui, “What did you say to them?”

“Sometimes they restrict Chinese tourists, especially those without a tour group entry. I told them I have a work visa and travel here often on my own. I’m just accompanying friends, and they all have three-year visas. They asked why I speak Japanese so well, so I said I’ve been doing performances in Japan for China and studied abroad in Kyoto. Then they let us through.”

“I’m a bit in awe of you now.”

“It’s just a foreign language, nothing impressive. I invited you to Japan to have some fun, and now I’m telling you to go back to the ship and lie down for the day. You’re all going to rot, at least check your work emails.”

“When did you learn Japanese? Did you pass N1?”

“I’m a level 8 in my major, got an excellent grade; N1 was a perfect score. You’re not seriously in awe of me because of this, are you? How childish...”

The four of them sat at a restaurant, eating fried pork cutlet soba. Yu Dule said, “Can you cancel a room if you return to the ship? You two look so well-matched.”

Her words made things a bit awkward. Guan Xingxin shot Yu Dule a glare. The two clearly had differing opinions on Gu Yi’s potential boyfriend. Xu Guanrui laughed and interjected, “It’s been rare for me to calm down and write music reviews recently. If I share a room with her, I’d be disturbed, I want some peace and quiet.”

Yu Dule was unbothered by Gu Yi’s sharp look, “Let me tell you some good news.”

“Good news? Is your company hiring? Even though your company is one of the popular domestic stand-up comedy companies right now, I’m not going to work there. I’m not good at editing, and I can’t handle staying up late...”

“Ounce has been rented back by our boss. It’ll probably be rebranded in February, but he hasn’t decided yet. The show will air in April next year, and he’s been asking me to return to the bar. For now, it’s still called Ounce, and there will be an open mic during the trial run.”

Gu Yi stared at Yu Dule, the pork chop falling from her mouth. Yu Dule was just about to lift the soba, but Gu Yi ruthlessly knocked it away. “Finish talking first!”

“You know our boss, right, Mr. Li? He took me along when he rented the bar. He’s very direct. When he told me on the way, he said, ‘Stand-up comedy needs someone who thinks of it not as art but as a business. It needs to reach as many people as possible, only then can we continue with art, otherwise, everyone will just die poor and starve for art.’“

Tears nearly fell, and Gu Yi said, “When is it? I’ll start drawing now, I still need to apply, right?”

“January next year. But after Chinese New Year, our signed artists will be prioritized for shows since we’re preparing for the second season. Do you want to try and get on a show and sign a contract?”

When they returned to the stage, the audience was different—the variety shows had worked, and there were new people coming to watch stand-up. Those who didn’t recognize the familiar faces on the show were visibly disappointed, but Gu Yi wasn’t discouraged—just having people come was enough joy.

Especially since the person in charge was Yu Dule—when they opened the door to Ounce, they had already cried together on the stairs.

“Hello everyone, I’m Gu Yi, as the regulars of Ounce know, I’m the most unlucky person in this bar. In the past six months, I’ve accumulated a bunch of material, and when life is at its lowest, you don’t even have time to pick which is the worst, because the pain cancels each other out.”

“I’ve also gone through house-hunting. My landlord raised the rent from 4300 to 4800. I was wondering how he knew my salary had increased by 500, did he consult with my boss? To leave myself a bit of pocket money, I started house-hunting, only to realize I’m like a puppy, licking every suitable man I meet, but none of these awful men are willing to let me go for a cheap price. So, I ended up settling for whoever. Then you realize this house-hunting process isn’t so bad after all. A building with two lifts and ten households per floor, 24 floors—still too many people. One floor has a damp smell and a kid next door, can’t rent that; another one still wants 4300 for a house with windows that shake, and the landlord doesn’t want to replace them, wants me to do it, which costs about the same as the 4800 rent... you realize this situation is familiar—what I want, I can’t afford, and what I can afford, I don’t want. But I’m running out of time, I have to decide soon or I’ll be kicked out... First row lady, stop fixing your makeup, that powder can wait until after the show. I’m not lying, it’ll stick after a big laugh.”

“Later, I gritted my teeth and stayed in my current apartment. It’s expensive, but so what? After all, I’ve grown attached to the blue cabinet doors in the kitchen and the broken vanity table with uneven paint. Some people suggested I buy a house in the suburbs, and the money would be enough to pay off the mortgage. But is it because I don’t want to buy a house? I have to grit my teeth and say, no, the suburbs are out of the question. The taxis there even have the ‘Shanghai C’ plate, it’s no different from the countryside. My friends will criticize me, asking if it’s regional discrimination. Who told you it’s the countryside? You’re the outsider, I’ll say. Do you know what C stands for? Countryside! Countryside!”

“I also have friends who have gotten married and bought houses in their hometowns, renovated them, and posted on social media saying they’re going to create a new life with their own hands. I don’t know if anyone has thought about this: our expectations for home are a bit off. We think that if we have money, we have to escape from the old house our parents live in with green paint and the squeaky wooden floor. If we have money, we need to spend a lot on renovating a house we like. We bring the high-end places we’ve been to and the cynical fantasies of designers into our homes. Rich people turn their homes into glittering foot baths, emotionless European-style funeral homes, or old cadres’ activity centers with marble railings; people with less money simplify it into IKEA-style showrooms or Nordic countryside designs. After a messy period, we realize that we haven’t escaped our parents’ old style—chaotic and dirty, but still called ‘a place of comfort.’“

Aside from Yu Dole and the bartender, there are no familiar faces in the audience. Xu Guanyue doesn’t have the luck Liang Daiwen did, and during the trial period, he wasn’t selected. He’s also busy with several Christmas concerts, the equipment being shipped from overseas, and managing the logistics. When he finally arrives, she goes downstairs, expecting to see Xu Guanyue exhausted in casual clothes, but instead, he looks tired with something on his mind.

She begins to sense what might happen.

Xu Guanyue pats his bag: “Should we set off some sparklers?”

The two of them dive back into the alley where they first met. Sparks light up one after another in the night, each one catching fire if you get too close, much more easily than love. Xu Guanyue is bathed in light and shadow, looking a bit lonely, his pupils reflecting the flickering glow: “Rabbit, we’ve been comrades for a long time.”

“Mm...”

“I was joking before. As comrades, we’re a perfect match—unable to pursue the people we like but able to keep each other company. So, it naturally makes sense that we could be together. After Liang Daiwen left, I never brought it up, but actually—when we first met here, I made up my mind to break up and start fresh in love. The timing was never right, but now it seems like it finally is. I know you like chasing stars, but I don’t want you to fly too far and get hurt. Would you be willing to... date me?”

When mutual affection and a crush are accurately felt by one person, they can blossom into a beautiful story of mutual love. Past regrets over broken engagements or heartbreaks can change, and it becomes difficult to reconnect. Ultimately, love is a moment, and if that moment isn’t grasped, it might be the end of the relationship. Xu Guanyue’s appearance now may be reminding her of this truth.

The two walk out of the alley, and Gu Yi hesitates before saying, “Can you give me one night to think it over? I’ll give you my answer tomorrow.”

“Most likely a no... I really wanted to ask you suddenly, hoping you wouldn’t be able to react in time and would agree, but thinking about the possible opposite effect, I didn’t dare.”

When they reach the bottom of the ounce building, Gu Yi looks up at the stairs. Maybe starting and ending again at ounce is a cycle. Agreeing might be fine too, right? The rose of love blooms when someone can’t help but reach for it, and in loneliness, it blooms to be pitied, even with thorns that prick the hand, still worth picking—perhaps that’s romantic too...

“So, should we... try being together?” Xu Guanyue is standing right in front of her now.

“No.”

The words aren’t from Gu Yi. Suddenly, a pair of shoes appear on the stairs, followed by long legs coming down. As the figure walks down the stairs, Gu Yi finally realizes who it is, and her breath is caught in her throat.

Liang Daiwen walks up to her, his smile almost like revenge hitting her in the chest, a bit mischievous, even making her nervous. He stares directly into her eyes, saying firmly, for the second time, “No.”