PSE - 40

　　The moon was bright, and the stars were sparse. Even late at night, the snow-covered streets were extremely bright.

　　The last taxi at the street corner was given by Xue Jing to Jinzi, his wife, and Director Zhao.

　　A designated driver was hard to find, and taxis were nowhere to be seen. Ha Yue nestled in Xue Jing’s arms, her brows weary, exhaling large clouds of alcohol-laden breath, slipping down from Xue Jing’s embrace like a slippery fish.

　　Unable to wait for the next passing taxi, Xue Jing decided to take her to the next intersection to try their luck.

　　He wrapped his scarf and gloves around Ha Yue, hung her shoulder bag around his neck, and squatted down with his back to let Ha Yue climb onto his back with both hands.

　　Her legs hooked around his waist, and his hands supported her buttocks.

　　Leaning forward, the small bag swung back and forth on Xue Jing’s chest, but his steps were steady, treading one by one on the thick snow.

　　The vast snow absorbed most of the town’s noise, leaving only the “creak creak” sound of footsteps in their ears. Soon, a layer of transparent ice formed on their brows.

　　Thus, Xue Jing quietly walked for more than ten minutes in minus thirty degrees Celsius. Perhaps due to Ha Yue’s continuous warm breath on his neck, he didn’t feel cold at all. Being with Ha Yue made the surrounding snow seem less frightening.

　　He still couldn’t say he liked snowy days, but now, he suddenly felt that if they kept walking this road, it wouldn’t be bad.

　　There were still no cars at the next intersection, and Ha Yue behind him seemed to start making comfortable little snores.

　　Calculating the time to walk back to the residential area, it would probably take another twenty minutes. Xue Jing could still walk, but he was afraid that Ha Yue might catch a cold if she fell asleep outside. So, he jostled her body upward and said, “Ha Yue, wait a bit before sleeping. Talk to me for a moment.”

“Mm?” Ha Yue raised her head, still very sleepy. Her hair hung in front of her eyes, and through her half-dazed vision, she saw Xue Jing’s profile. After gazing at the familiar outline for a while, she closed her eyes again, feeling reassured, and muttered unwillingly, “What should I say?”

　　”Talk about how to arrange for Auntie later. When we return to Jicheng in the spring, should we buy a bigger house? Do you want to hire a caregiver to look after her at home, or send her to a specialized care facility? There’s a small team at Jicheng Medical University that specializes in researching Alzheimer’s disease. I’ll see if I can find someone to help apply for a spot for Auntie.”

　　Six months ago, he had dinner with Zhou Shuang and Fang, a lawyer specializing in mergers and acquisitions at a red-circle law firm. According to Zhou Shuang’s gossip after the meal, Fang’s partner’s father was once a big name in the field of physics. Unfortunately, he was now in the late stages of Alzheimer’s and undergoing clinical trials at the medical university.

　　After discussing several options for Zhao Chunni, Xue Jing turned the conversation to Ha Yue’s personal social value.

　　”What are your plans for the future? Will you continue with foreign trade when you return? Start another business, or find a job as a transition? You can talk to me about it. I’m willing to help with anything I can.”

　　”Or do you not want to live together so soon? You can stay at my place first, and I’ll stay in a hotel.”

　　Thinking about Zhao Chunni’s illness and Ha Yue bearing so much responsibility alone over the years, Xue Jing became even more considerate.

　　Loving someone seems to mean not being able to bear seeing them suffer, whether it’s now with him involved or the past without his intervention.

　　Though the words were rough, the reasoning wasn’t. He wasn’t offended by Jinzi and his wife’s discussion about them behind their backs. On the contrary, he even thought Xiaoyu was right. Moreover, money isn’t that important to the wealthy. If his savings could help his beloved overcome a temporary difficulty, it would be a joy without expecting anything in return.

　　Fortunately, Ha Yue was willing to hold his hand and move forward. She could plan him into her future, which certainly wasn’t just a slight fondness.

　　Ha Yue still didn’t open her eyes, but she leaned on Xue Jing, listening to his words. Her hands gradually tightened on his shoulders and neck. After a while, she suddenly called his name in a daze: “Xue Jing.”

　　”Mm?”

　　A misty white fog enveloped their faces. Ha Yue’s legs swayed in the air. She rubbed the frost from her eyelashes, pulled out a thread from the tangled thoughts in her mind, and held it between her fingertips. In this cold, empty street, she asked him: “I like you for many good reasons.”

　　Because although Xue Jing seemed aloof, he always showed a kind side. Because he never gave up on himself over the years and succeeded through persistence and hard work. And because even though he described himself as unworthy, he was still an excellent gift in perception.

　　She liked him because it was the most common kind of liking in a worldly sense. Like when darkness falls, people instinctively look up at the stars.

　　Whether in the past or now, her reasons for liking him were sufficient and detailed, standing up to scrutiny and debate.

　　But on the other hand, she currently had no money, no career, no future, like a broken kite fallen from the sky, not a glamorous trophy anyone would urgently want to possess. Even downward matchmaking wouldn’t succeed. So what did he like about her?

　　This affection was suspicious, and she couldn’t accept it wholeheartedly.

　　”What about you? Can I ask what you like about me?”

　　Xue Jing didn’t think for long and naturally said: “Of course, I like everything about you. You’ve been through a lot during this time, right? Actually, you’re really strong and brave, especially in seeking help from others—a quality not everyone has.”

　　Everyone is afraid of rejection and fears that efforts will end in failure. But life is destined to repeatedly fail, fall, cry, and then wipe away tears. Being able to reach out and use others’ strength to stand up is also a rare kind of courage.

　　He was glad that Ha Yue had the courage to start anew tomorrow.

　　He felt sorry for her, but more than that, he felt relieved for her.

　　”You’ve managed to get this far; you’re really amazing.”

　　Xue Jing’s intention in saying these things was to comfort Ha Yue as much as possible and tell her that she was worthy of being liked.

　　But these praises sounded so harsh to her because everything Xue Jing said about Ha Yue’s qualities was false.

　　She didn’t have the courage to create a new future again, nor did she want to seek help from anyone. Although everyone at the dinner thought she was going to develop in Jicheng with Xue Jing, she only had the cowardice and incapacity to die now.

　　The puzzle was solved—it was like this.

　　The lively girl Xue Jing once liked wasn’t her, and the strong and brave girl he liked now wasn’t her either.

　　Her true face was that of a soulless wimp. What Xue Jing said earlier made her realize more clearly that she had been lying until now.

　　Before, she lied to others, but now, she was lying to herself.

　　She was actually very timid. She feared stage failures, feared parting with loved ones, and feared her mother’s illness progressing to the point where she wouldn’t recognize her anymore. She wasn’t as open-minded and tough as she thought. Her desire to die was merely a preemptive act to block new pain.

　　Like how she blocked the grievances of family ties, the yearning for love, and the ambition for success over the years, now she wanted to block the continuation of life. She wanted to make the ultimate escape.

　　It felt like sand had gotten into her eyes, and her heart seemed split in two.

　　Ha Yue’s neck hurt from gravity. She should have gotten off Xue Jing’s back and cleared up the misunderstanding of him liking her, but her cheek fell back into the crook of his neck. The scent on Xue Jing was really warm, and she was so greedy for this tenderness, but this tenderness didn’t belong to her.

　　She didn’t deserve to take it.

　　She stared at Xue Jing’s steps moving forward, waited for a long time, until her hot tears washed away all the cold on her face, and then mustered enough strength to whisper softly: “I lied to you. I’m not going to Jicheng.”

“Not going?” Xue Jing’s voice carried a hint of laughter, thinking she was throwing a childish tantrum. “Are you reluctant to part with your convenience store again? But didn’t you just promise Jinzi that you would transfer the shop to them?”

“You mentioned it as a gift for the child. You can’t go back on a gift for a child...”

Xue Jing’s words were cut short when he suddenly felt a chill on his neck. The droplets running down his cheek weren’t melting snowflakes but Ha Yue’s tears, turning cold after being hot, seeping into his collar.

Ha Yue curled up into a ball, trembling violently.

Her voice was filled with anguish, each word brimming with despair.

“I’m sorry, I lied again.”

“I don’t plan to take my mother out of town... You misunderstood.”

“Then why are you handling the shop...” Xue Jing was at a loss, initially not understanding why she was crying. But as his steps abruptly halted, a chilling hurricane quickly surged within him, and those icy tears suddenly turned into molten lava, scorching wounds onto his body.

He understood.

If Ha Yue didn’t intend to leave, then everything she was doing now seemed like she was preparing for her final arrangements in advance.

As intelligent as he was, he immediately grasped her current mental state.

The affection she spoke of was merely a confession to the valley, not waiting for an echo before leaping off.

Ha Yue really didn’t want to cry; she felt too wretched and too embarrassed. But the alcohol had numbed her rationality, and her overflowing tears rolled back and forth in her eyes, finally slipping out unnoticed, falling in strings by Xue Jing’s ear.

The armor she had long worn, exhausted and collapsing like a fallen skyscraper, shattered emotions inside spilling out with her tears, transforming into a tsunami capable of destroying heaven and earth.

Her nose was red, and her voice choked up: “Xue Jing, stop liking me, and stop being nice to me. I really have no qualities worthy of your affection. I’m just a useless failure. I can’t run forward with you. Love is useless; it can’t save lives.”

“I can’t run anymore. Leave me alone.”

At first, Ha Yue sobbed quietly, but soon she lost control, her cries growing louder. On the empty street, she opened her mouth and wailed like a child who had their ice cream snatched away and got beaten up.

But those tears and cries were drowned by the vast accumulation of snow, without even an echo.

Only the stray dog sleeping by the heating vent, puzzled, poked its head out and barked twice at them, showing its discontent.

Xue Jing’s chest rose and fell. He stood still in the snow for a moment, but soon, he regained his composure, tightened his grip on her legs, and continued walking forward.

In Ha Yue’s imagination, Xue Jing could easily stand on the moral high ground to criticize her. He could say, “You’ve let me down so much,” or question her, “There are people in the world who suffer more than you but still live on. Why can’t you try again?”

He could also sternly tell her that euthanasia is not allowed domestically, and according to the constitution, suicide is not an objectively valuable act.

But as Xue Jing carried her through the snowy night, he remained eerily silent. It wasn’t until her sobs gradually subsided and the outline of the residential area emerged in the distance that he repeated her words in a very calm tone: “Yes, love certainly can’t save lives. You’re absolutely right.”

What is love anyway? It’s nothing more than a possibility one can possess only if they continue living.

Life itself is an extremely cruel gamble. Luck and misfortune are random. When bad things happen, they punch people until they’re bloodied and broken. But when good things come, this severely wounded person still needs to sit at the table waiting for the cards to be dealt.

If people disappear and tea grows cold, then all possibilities cease to exist.

It’s life that grants love, not the other way around. Living is the prerequisite; love is the embellishment that adds beauty to life. Relying on love as a miraculous elixir, swallowing it with the belief that salvation will follow, is putting the cart before the horse.

In the universe, there is no eternal emotion, nor is there imperishable life.

Before the 14-billion-year-old Big Bang, matter didn’t even exist. Humans, dependent on matter for survival, are nothing more than fleeting fireflies.

Even so, he personally experienced how one person’s light can briefly illuminate another’s darkness, thereby rewriting the ending of a story—like a butterfly in South America occasionally flapping its wings, causing a tornado in Texas two weeks later.

It doesn’t matter if Ha Yue can’t run anymore. He isn’t forcefully dragging her forward either. He just wants to tell her that if she waits a little longer, new hope will emerge from the cracks. Just like how both of them thought something would go wrong with Xiaoyu’s baby, but a month passed, and nothing bad happened.

Thinking this way, Xue Jing turned his head and gently rubbed his cheek against Ha Yue’s forehead.

“Ha Yue, the other day you asked me when I would finish my new novel. I lied too. Actually, the story has already happened; I’ve just been holding onto the ending and haven’t shown it to you yet. This novel has a prototype. I guess you definitely didn’t notice that I also appear in the story, but even if you did, you’d probably dislike that character, right?”

After all, he once condemned himself as someone unworthy of living.