Chapter 50

Call Back.

It felt like time travel. The first time she saw him, he was sitting in the first row, staring at the stage without a hint of a smile. In the humid air, Gu Yi could sense the change: the summer had faded, autumn was slowly rising. Everything seemed to be drying out. The sticky, awkward atmosphere had gone, but Liang Daiwen’s moist eyes had arrived.

He looked like he had just rushed back from a flight, windblown and tired. His hair was longer, his beard still unshaven, and he was tall and thin. Had he always been this thin? He looked frail, adding an air of melancholy. Since stepping into Rongmao Theater, his eyes had been searching for someone. They locked on Gu Yi’s, and she stood there, frozen for a few seconds before moving toward the door, greeting Lu Ming.

Gu Yi was overjoyed. “Oh my god, the person involved in the nipple pad incident is here.”

The audience turned in unison to look at the door, as the main character was a tall, slim man. The impromptu comedy love story had exceeded their expectations. Cheers and jeers filled the room, becoming louder and louder. Liang Daiwen still seemed unaware of the situation, surrounded by shouts and outstretched arms. Everyone waited for him to do something. Someone suddenly shouted, “Go on stage and kiss her!”

“Isn’t this something we should be doing behind closed doors? Don’t kiss her now?”

“Yes, exactly, what are you waiting for? It’s not every day you see a beautiful actress, don’t miss this chance, we’ll all be watching!”

It seemed like the whole room had become unbearably sticky. Originally, Gu Yi had expected Liang Daiwen to sit in the front row, ears red, and listen to the joke. The best scenario would have been him giving a sarcastic comment after the show. But at this moment, the entire room, along with the hundred or so people, was putting too much pressure on Liang Daiwen to refuse. Gu Yi could almost hear the sound of water droplets hitting the surface of the lake—one drop, two drops...

“Please, Liang Daiwen, come over here, come up on stage and hug me, tell me I’m not just a random choice...”

But Liang Daiwen’s legs moved slowly. The audience in the back pushed his shoulder and pulled his arm, trying to drag him forward. His steps were hesitant, his legs heavy as if they weighed a thousand pounds. The force from the crowd came at him from different directions, and he stumbled, taking a step backward instead. He kept his eyes lowered the whole time, lightly raising his hand to block others’ arms, a quiet rejection. It would only take a few seconds to walk up on stage, even if he had to weave through the crowded seats, but Liang Daiwen only reached the second-to-last row. The audience was confused, as this was not the normal progression—they had expected a scene of mutual affection, with the couple coming up to the stage for a passionate kiss. Why was he being so cold? Gu Yi felt a chill run through her body, as if snow had buried her. She took a deep breath, and the blood, now colder, flowed through her veins. No, there was still a conclusion to the skit. Before it became too awkward, she quickly decided to finish the routine and exit the stage...

A figure flashed by from the corner of her eye—Xu Guanrui, sitting in the second row, jumped up, smiling as he embraced Gu Yi. His lips brushed against hers, and the embrace, with his head tilted away, looked from the audience’s view as if the lighting, the atmosphere, and the image of love were all perfectly set. The main characters didn’t matter anymore. Cheers erupted again, and Xu Guanrui whispered in her ear, “Sorry, I can’t let the girl cry as she leaves the stage.”

The performance seemed even more brilliant because of this misplaced moment. Back at her seat, the audience around her whispered, and Gu Yi felt as if she was surrounded by their gazes. Her phone vibrated—it was Jacqueline calling, reminding her that the Bypass project topic form was due by Monday at 11 a.m. Gu Yi, now holding Xu Guanrui’s hand, felt a tremor. “Do you really like Liang Daiwen that much? Isn’t chatting with me at all boring? Bunny, no matter how bad you are at expressing yourself, if someone truly cares about you, they’ll come find you first.”

Gu Yi smiled faintly, her finger trembling as she hung up on Jacqueline’s call. She wasn’t sure she could face the app’s backend for her WeChat public account. Two articles, and it was her who had pushed Liang Daiwen away first...

The performance continued. Nothing could spoil the laughter that had been so hard-earned. Xu Guanrui stepped out to take a phone call, looking troubled as he passed by Liang Daiwen, who was standing by the gate, simply offering a polite smile. Liang Daiwen, arms crossed and sober, stood there, while Guan Xingxin squeezed her way to his side. “Hey, I thought you wouldn’t come.”

“If I promised, I would come.”

“Why didn’t you go up? Did you enjoy letting Xu Guanrui take the girl from you?”

Liang Daiwen silently shook his head. Guan Xingxin, worried, pinched his ear. “Did you hear what Gu Yi said? She talked about missing her chance to kiss you because of the chest tape, and you walked in at just the wrong time.”

“I had just hung up with Dr. Shen and took off my headset when I came in.”

“Any normal guy would at least go up and grab some face in front of everyone, but you’re just so honest.”

“Am I really that annoying?”

“Of course you are.” Guan Xingxin paused, then grinned, pulling out a beer and handing it to him. “But you’ve changed a lot. When I first met you, you were so clueless, though punctual, and terribly rigid—really annoying. You didn’t explain anything, making it hard to understand what you were thinking. Now you’re here, leaning like you’re fragile and about to cry.”

“I can’t feel it, I don’t have much imagination, and when I do explain, it’s just awkward analysis. When you guys get nervous, you feel stomach pain, your heart aches, but I just feel uncomfortable and think I need to see a doctor... And for example, she thinks I randomly chose her, but I don’t know how to explain it right.”

Guan Xingxin stared at Liang Daiwen, then glanced at Gu Yi in the distance and finally understood what had happened. She looked over at Yu Dule, who was playing with his phone in the living room, and slowly said, “Love is rarely that happy, after all, the heart is an organ with many pain receptors. It’s difficult for people to convey their true feelings to the ones they like because what makes you happy might not make the other person happy, and sadness doesn’t always translate either. My mom gave me an ultimatum to get married by the end of the year, or I’ll go back home. I can’t talk to anyone about it because, after recovering my vision, I still have another set of parents. You know that. I’ve always felt that forcing yourself to become ‘normal’ wasn’t really necessary. Sometimes I think, maybe being a beautiful blind person would have been happier—it’s not necessarily a bad thing.”

Liang Daiwen opened his mouth, but his reply was drowned out by the loud laughter coming from the courtyard. On stage was a famous veteran stand-up comedian from Shanghai, whose punchlines were always met with a roar of laughter, many had come just for him. Guan Xingxin covered her mouth as she heard him speak. “My god—so you called Dr. Shen. What did he say to you on the phone?”

“He told me, if you don’t feel it enough, don’t give someone hope.”

The comedian on stage made a cutting remark: “Have you seen the plagiarism incident recently? Even the rich are competing too much now—young people plagiarizing each other just to make money, but they don’t even plagiarize far enough, rabbits don’t eat the grass near their burrows...”

Two minutes felt like an eternity. After finishing his bit, the comedian quickly initiated a dance session: “How about we all dance?”

The music flowed gently through the courtyard as a tipsy Gu Yi took the stage, grabbed the microphone, and pointed toward the comedian with her beer bottle. “Liang Daiwen was used and wanted to quit the circle. You can’t just criticize him because he doesn’t say anything! How can stand-up comedy be like this? Have you figured out the truth? He’s not good at expressing emotions, but no one wants to hurt him! We can’t make him a joke, not you, not me, understand?”

The actor who just finished performing backstage was inexplicably upset. Usually cheerful and carefree, Gu Yi grabbed the microphone and started scolding others. Lu Ming stepped forward, pulled her into his arms, and began guiding her toward the room, while Yu Dule, like taking over a relay baton, took her upstairs. Gu Yi kicked and hit as they went up the stairs, tears streaming down her face: “Why? Let me go, I need to ask him for clarification. He’s the one who caused the misunderstanding between you and Guan Xingxin last time! How can someone like him not be taught a lesson…”

A hand reached out behind her. Liang Daiwen blocked the way, saying, “You go ahead and do your thing. I’ll handle this.”

Xu Guanrui wasn’t in a good mood when he received a call from Jacqueline. The seemingly cold Jacqueline would call the boy she still had feelings for whenever she was lonely, a habit that once made Xu Guanrui faint with jealousy. He used to want Jacqueline to think of him more, just to elevate his position in her heart. Even now, despite how long it’s been, he answered the phone out of habit, feeling a bit angry.

“I didn’t call you to find you. I just overheard your conversation and got curious—what’s the relationship between Liang Daiwen and Gu Yi?”

“Gu Yi has liked Liang Daiwen for a long time. Do you realize what you’ve done?”

“Oh.” Jacqueline sounded like she was drinking: “These things happen in work. Nothing to be done.”

“Only older people would calmly say ‘nothing can be done’ about such things. Sometimes you should try to be a woman with some empathy. You still have feelings for Huang Wendai, yet you’d rather break up and cut ties with a young boy than stay single. Don’t keep pretending to be heartless and unfeeling, it’s not likable. Or maybe Huang Wendai likes you like this? After all, your company is only 800 meters away…”

“Enough. Do you like her that much?”

“I’ll say it one last time, we have nothing between us anymore. If you want to ask Gu Yi, just call her directly.”

Xu Guanrui hung up, walked in, and ran into Guan Xingxin at the door, who was picking up folding chairs. When their eyes met, her expression was gentle but distant. It was already 11 PM, and some audience members were leaving. Xu Guanrui felt a bit awkward, but he forced a smile and asked, “Where’s Gu Yi?”

Guan Xingxin shook her head: “Wasn’t she at her seat? Where did she go?”

Liang Daiwen ran a hand through his hair, looking like he didn’t care much about his appearance. Gu Yi felt the warmth of his body, smiling with her front teeth showing, one real and one fake: “Thanks to you, I became the editor-in-chief and got two articles with 100k+ views.”

“Mocking me can actually get results.” A gust of wind blew across Liang Daiwen’s face. This time, Gu Yi could clearly see that he had lost quite a bit of weight. His features and profile had become sharper, and his gaze, when it fell on someone, seemed filled with a vague sadness—sticky and damp, as though he was guarding himself from everyone. Perhaps it was the light reflecting in his eyes, or perhaps he always had a desire to cry; his expression was so pitiful.

“That public account that posts comics, you drew it, didn’t you?”

“I…”

“You can’t fool anyone. I’ve seen you do enough stand-up shows. Your sarcastic tone is hard to miss, even if others don’t notice it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“There’s no need to apologize. I never took this matter to heart. Aside from my income dropping a little, nothing in my life has changed. I’ve only become busier, but more fulfilled. You really don’t need to worry about me…”

Gu Yi couldn’t find the words. She still couldn’t do what Guan Xingxin did—smiling while ignoring the cracks in the air or hiding everything to smooth over interpersonal relationships. She was too straightforward. She had to hold back and not ask, After spending so much time together, did you ever think of me? If you did, was it with sadness, bitterness, longing, or… anger?

Liang Daiwen bit his lip: “You seem to have lost weight.”

“Because of you.”

On the narrow staircase, Liang Daiwen wrapped her in his arms. Her ankle bumped into the stairs, and Gu Yi drunkenly laughed. He was probably a man who hadn’t hugged many girls; he was so clumsy in doing so.

But she felt incredibly happy.

Upstairs, there was only a single bed and a small table. Neatly folded blankets and a book by Camus, The Outsider, sat at the head of the bed. Gu Yi was dropped onto the edge of the bed, and Liang Daiwen squatted down. The light was broken, and the room was exceptionally dark. She reached for Liang Daiwen’s face, her hand slipping and falling into his arms. In this ambiguous moment, was it too much to long for a kiss?

Liang Daiwen turned on his phone’s flashlight and threw it on the bed, giving the room a dim light. They could barely see each other. He said, “There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned what it’s like to have emotional dysregulation. It’s painful. There are real physical reactions, it hurts—what my emotions can’t process, my body compensates for. You all have emotional reactions to remind you when something is wrong, to protect yourselves. You have imagination, you dream, but I don’t have any of that. My body is a room with no doors or windows. In high school, I would suddenly feel pain in my chest, cramps in the middle of the night, or abnormal cold and heat sensations, like my body was ‘hungry.’ At first, I didn’t know what this meant. I went to the hospital, but they couldn’t find anything, so I went to see a psychologist. When I was diagnosed with emotional dysregulation, the doctor told me it wasn’t an illness, just a trait and a disorder. But I was confused. If it’s not a disease, why can’t I control myself, and why have I lost my imagination? The remnants of what could be called fiction in my body, like a spider web, like a cocoon—so I keep insects. The first time I saw you perform stand-up, honestly, I felt nothing. Even when you called on me, I didn’t feel anything. I only remembered that person. Later, when I drew the second and third times, when you noticed me, pulled me in to ask questions…I think, maybe this is the kind of emotion normal people would have. You were paying attention to me. This might be my chance. Because during the days I watched your performances, I was very calm.”

Gu Yi listened quietly as Liang Daiwen held her hand, his body temperature flowing through her.

“Many people think emotional dysregulation means lacking emotion, refusing to communicate with others. But I’ve always been controlling myself, following the world’s rules, trying to connect with people I have feelings for. Since I can’t feel anything, I thought I could exchange it for something else, even at the cost of suffering a bit… Being with you made me start to care about the people around me. It felt like living wasn’t about trying to ‘feel’ anymore, but my body naturally reacted. Occasionally, those emotions... I don’t have metaphors for them, and I don’t know what to do, but I still think this is a good sign for me, because even my clumsy response can make you happy. I think it’s time to stop following the rules. It’s time to do what I want to do, but I didn’t expect that these actions would hurt you.”

“No, I don’t think so,” Gu Yi waved her hand. “What’s the harm? I didn’t even do anything.”

“I can’t stand seeing you upset, just a little. It hurts me. There’s something I need to make clear: I didn’t randomly choose you; I chose you... to save me.”

Gu Yi wrapped her arms around Liang Daiwen’s neck and kissed him hard on the lips. His lips were soft, slightly dry, and his mouth felt dry too, from speaking for so long. A little moisture from her lips was enough to be met with his greedy return kiss. This was how it was; he wasn’t incapable of feeling. He also had a small stockpile of greed. Without perfume, Liang Daiwen was even more captivating, like shedding a scent that didn’t suit him. Gu Yi felt an urge to cry. For ordinary people, wishing to pluck stars from the sky or gaze up at them is an unattainable dream. But what if a star, gazing at Earth from afar, personally chose her, burning itself up like a meteor in the process of descending? All she could do was accept her fate and catch it, right?

Liang Daiwen only lightly held her, kissing her until they were both exhausted. He pushed her away, holding her shoulders with a serious expression.

“I... can’t fully receive your feelings. I might even misunderstand them. Are you really happy? Like just now, when I rushed onto the stage and hugged you, but in my heart, I had no idea what was happening. On the surface, you seemed very happy, but in reality, I only had a faint reaction... I can’t lie to you.”

“What I like is the ‘emotionally disabled’ you. The Liang Daiwen, stumbling and trying to feel love, the one who misinterprets my thoughts, the Liang Daiwen who makes me lose out with his intelligence, the one who shifts the awkwardness onto himself so I don’t feel embarrassed, the one who will rush back for me without a second thought, the simple Liang Daiwen who only wants to see me... We’ve created so many memories together. Even someone as cold as an icy world can have emotions implanted by me. Will you just give up when things get confusing? Now, trying to push me away, isn’t that also lying to me?”

“I got an offer from Google for the second position in the world for an accessibility designer. They aren’t very clear on exactly what I’ll do. The first designer only worked on search banners for small online businesses... But they value my academic background and experience, and invited me to meet with senior colleagues in the U.S. and do research in Beijing. It will take half a year before I return to Shanghai.” Liang Daiwen sighed. “Getting this position was made possible because of my ‘emotionally disabled’ status, a bit of dark humor.”

Gu Yi’s drunkenness faded completely, her life suddenly feeling like a rollercoaster. She bit her lip. “Although I want to say I can wait, this feels like a joke. Back when you were reading the script, you said that in uncertain emotional situations, you’d prioritize a secure career. You’ve really stuck to that. You must have known about the offer back then, right?”

“At that time, I truly didn’t know,” he said. “I would never lie to you.”

Words failed her. Footsteps approached from downstairs. Xu Guanrui’s voice could be heard, “Rabbit, did you drink too much? Are you okay?”

Liang Daiwen took a deep breath. “There’s more than one person who likes you. I know. If I leave, someone new will take my place soon.”

“Yes,” Gu Yi looked into his eyes. “Love is a matter of ebb and flow.”