Chapter 16

If your soul container is empty, then let me add something to it.

Biking, eating takeout, attending meetings to discuss new topics—whenever Gu Yi lost focus, her thoughts were always occupied with one thing: whether what Liang Daiwen said that day by the sofa was a dream or reality. The content was clear, and she heard it all, so it shouldn’t be fake. But in real life, Liang Daiwen had no emotions, his voice was deep and magnetic, and if she could detect any hint of loneliness in his tone, it was definitely a dream.

Early in the morning, she was woken up by Liang Daiwen’s voice. He was doing push-ups in the master bedroom, the sound of water rushing in the bathroom, and he greeted her in a refreshing mood. While Liang Daiwen changed clothes in the bedroom, Gu Yi, in her nightgown, stood by the door, wanting to talk to him. But what should she say? Talk about breakfast, work, or stand-up comedy?

She was leaning against the door when it suddenly opened. She slid straight into Liang Daiwen’s arms, and he instinctively caught her with his right arm, which brushed harshly against her chest. The sensation of her chest pushing against him made Gu Yi freeze. What was going on? In broad daylight, was she the one seducing him at the bedroom door?

But then again, maybe not...

Instead, Liang Daiwen spoke in a muffled voice, “Do you need something from me?”

“I... I have a performance tonight.”

“Oh.”

He didn’t react at all to her body? Rather than feeling confused, what Gu Yi felt more was sorrow—after all, she was a woman, known as “ounce” Xu Ruoxuan, with genuine feminine charm. Even though she wrapped herself up like a nun to avoid suspicion, she still exuded hormones in bars. Yet, after living in his house for over a month, he wouldn’t even look at her? Furthermore, what he just touched wasn’t steel, it was her chest!

It was the first time she felt like a failure as a woman. Riding her bike down the road like a steam engine, frustrated and unable to control her emotions, she stood up and pedaled hard. The wind rushed past her ears, reminding her of the troubled feeling she had in her youth when she liked her senior. Turning a corner, a traffic cop waved at her from afar, signaling her to stop.

Gu Yi placed one foot on the ground as the auxiliary officer approached her and casually spoke, “Let me see your ID.”

“What did I do wrong?”

“You’re going the wrong way.”

“...No, I’m just about to turn left, I’m crossing the road early. In fifty meters, I’ll turn left!”

“Little girl, you should be riding on the right side of the road. Did you see the traffic light at the intersection? There’s a left-turn sign. If everyone starts crossing the road early like you, then everyone’s just going to crash into each other in a few dozen meters, isn’t that right?”

The police officer didn’t even look up, focusing on entering the information from her ID. Gu Yi, feeling guilty yet unable to argue, decided to apply what Jacqueline had taught her—emotions are a weapon for the weak. She looked up at the auxiliary officer with tear-filled eyes, appearing pitiful. “Uncle, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean it. It’s just such a short stretch, I was under a lot of work pressure…”

Seeing Gu Yi on the verge of tears, the officer sighed slowly. “Alright then, take a photo of this and post it on your WeChat Moments. Don’t hide it from anyone. Here’s the regulation on non-motorized vehicles, it’s illegal to go the wrong way.”

That same morning, Gu Yi posted a new update on WeChat: “Let’s make traffic rules a habit. Remember not to ride your bike the wrong way.”

As soon as she posted it, she received congratulations from five stand-up comedians: “Hahahahaha! The joke about going the wrong way has more to it!”

Gu Yi snapped her phone shut, suddenly feeling like the wrong-way riding was some kind of metaphor. After thinking it over, she realized her relationship with Liang Daiwen seemed to be moving backward. All the outward signs looked close, but she was still completely in the dark about his past and present.

She decided to go find Guan Xingxin.

Having escaped from the storm, Guan Xingxin unexpectedly became friends with Gu Yi and even invited her to stay with her. “Laila’s” account was still banned, and she hadn’t had a live stream to do recently. The new house always smelled of fresh paint, so she kept the windows open every day, filling the space with flowers and plants. When she had the rare opportunity to go out, she wore a dress with an oil painting print paired with a brown retro coat. Beneath her black curly hair was a face the size of a palm. She held Gu Yi’s hand as they went to see a psychologist. Gu Yi remembered that Guan Xingxin once mentioned secretly having a crush on this doctor, and with her outfit that looked casually put together yet was carefully accessorized, Gu Yi understood.

They waited in line for their appointment, and finally, Gu Yi entered the consultation room. The doctor had a name tag reading “Shen Zhiming.” His white coat was clean, and he was approachable, smiling as he gestured for them to sit on the sofa. “So, she’s the one who helped you write your Weibo post?”

Guan Xingxin nodded. Dr. Shen glanced at Gu Yi but didn’t ask further. “It’s already after working hours, so I’m staying late. What brings you here today? Is there something you’d like to consult about?”

“I want to know about emotional disorders…” Gu Yi quickly waved her hand. “I’m not trying to pry into anyone’s private life, I just want to understand…”

“You’re his… new friend?”

“I’m a stand-up comedian, and he’s a silent audience. The first time I noticed he was different from others was on the soccer field. A soccer ball hit the safety net behind him, and I was startled. My heel broke, but he didn’t react. Later, I found out that he liked to imitate actions from Korean dramas. He’s not unattractive, but he does it awkwardly. I felt a little sorry for him, so...”

Dr. Shen tilted his head slightly, showing a subtle expression. Guan Xingxin quickly cut in: “She has a crush on Liang Daiwen and now, without knowing about emotional disorders, she’s wondering if Liang Daiwen will ever be moved, so she came to ask you.”

Gu Yi’s ears turned bright red.

Dr. Shen only smiled in his seat, twirling a pen between his fingers. “Let me explain this disorder. Normal people are complex. They have a sense of responsibility, openness, agreeableness, extraversion, and some neurotic tendencies. But people with emotional disorders have empty minds. Their imagination is limited, they have trouble distinguishing feelings, and they have little awareness of what’s happening in their minds. There are actually quite a few people like this in real life, some more severe than others, and many aren’t even aware of it while leading normal lives. Some have even started families. Their family members may think they have strange personalities, that they don’t speak properly, or that they don’t express warm emotions. They might drink or curse, but they themselves don’t realize it.”

“Is this disorder innate?”

“Some cases are innate, while others may stem from traumatic memories, chronic pain, physical or mental health issues, or even internet addiction... Whether physical or mental, when a part of a person’s being is destroyed, threatening their sense of completeness and identity, they close off their emotions.”

“So, what did Liang Daiwen experience to shut off his emotional expression?”

“That’s a private matter for Liang Daiwen. People with emotional disorders experience overwhelming emotions that threaten their sense of wholeness and identity... they can’t suppress the painful thoughts related to emotions, and they can’t project these feelings onto others. The only choice they have is to expel these emotions from their consciousness.” Dr. Shen gave a smile that seemed to understand everything without saying it outright. “I can give you an analogy: He’s a container with normal physical functions but an empty mind. His past two relationships might have left him with some baggage, maybe not much, but at least it made him want to fill that container with something new. My advice to him was to watch plays and read novels, to do things that require emotional awareness. When something’s missing, you fill it. It sounds like he’s trying, after all, he’s learned to bring a girl home. It’s off-duty now, do you mind chatting while we walk?”

The three of them left the office. The evening breeze gave Gu Yi a headache, and as they stopped to buy coffee, she walked behind Dr. Shen and Guan Xingxin, accidentally overhearing their conversation. Dr. Shen was about to go to the U.S. to study public health, and in the coming months, his patients would be handed over to other doctors. Patients who wanted to communicate could reach him via WeChat or email. At the intersection, as if forgetting about Gu Yi’s presence, Guan Xingxin spoke first: “What will we do without you, Shen? Us melancholy patients…”

“As long as you’re human, you have pressure. Just keep living.” Dr. Shen lit a cigarette.

“But I’ll miss you.”

“Find someone who loves you.”

A silence hung in the cold wind, not yet dissipated.

Guan Xingxin smiled: “After experiencing the mudslinging, I’ve realized I might be too kind. Dr. Shen, what do you think? A patient who actively seeks treatment for inner turmoil, versus someone who thinks they’re normal but hurts others with sharp edges in life—who do you think is more of a patient?”

The light turned green, but Guan Xingxin didn’t move. She just waved goodbye to Dr. Shen: “Someone invited me to watch a performance, so I’ll see you later.”

Dr. Shen looked at her for a few seconds, his gaze both gentle and indifferent, before walking away briskly. Gu Yi had a faint sense that Guan Xingxin might have been using her as a source of courage—perhaps bringing her to meet Dr. Shen wasn’t just to help her probe Liang Daiwen, but rather, she might have said things to Dr. Shen that she wouldn’t have been able to say alone. She was a master at reading people, which made her realize that the earlier Weibo clarification incident… She felt like a pawn—this seemingly fragile girl who actually understood how to manipulate others more than expected.

Tonight, there’s a performance by Yu Dule, and she must have been invited for the selection. The man who holds power, Yu Dule, probably gave this beauty the green light as well. Guan Xingxin chose a seat in the last row, while Gu Yi stood by the stage, suddenly questioning her own identity: Could it be that because she’s a comedian, Liang Daiwen hasn’t considered her as a potential romantic interest?

Forget it, let’s just watch the show first.

“Hello everyone, I’m Yu Dule. As you all know, I’m the honorary store manager of this place, Ounce. In other words, I’m the hired gatekeeper. I ride my electric scooter here every morning to open the door, and then ride it back home in the evening. To get here, I pass through Xiangyang North Road, Changle Road, Julu Road, and Yan’an West Road. Each road has its own distinct smell—one with the scent of alcohol, another with the smell of meat, and then a sour, musty smell of literature. Of course, that sour, musty smell is mine. Every time I pass by the Writers’ Association, I remember that I’ve submitted applications for three years and still haven’t been accepted.”

“It seems like I’ve been meeting a lot of foreigners these past few years. There are so many foreigners in Shanghai. Whether they’re at work or drinking, they’re all over bars and office buildings, just blending in with the locals. One time, I helped a friend pick up their kid, and there was a foreigner next to me playing on his phone, watching Douyin. I looked up and saw a sign for the Megjim Parent-Child Early Education Center. I asked him, ‘Are you here waiting for your child to take an English class?’ He said yes, because his son was about to start kindergarten, and even though he’s a foreigner, he was worried his son wouldn’t pass the interview. At first, I was a bit confused, but as soon as he opened his mouth, I understood. It was an Indian accent.”

The audience burst into laughter. Yu Dule, wearing a gray-brown hoodie, raised an eyebrow and said, “I didn’t mean to mock Indians. It’s perfectly normal to assimilate when you’re surrounded by so many foreigners. Once, at Ounce, I seriously asked a foreign stand-up comedian why he liked living in Shanghai and performing comedy here. He said, ‘Dole, do you know? Shanghai is just like Chicago or New York. The skyline gives people a sense of community—orderly, convenient. No one at the supermarket points a gun at your head and says, “Give me your money.” Instead, someone will point at your head and say, “Hey, your hairstyle looks great, tell me the name of the shop!” This city will make you feel coddled. Anyway, my takeout’s here.’”

The first time I felt like they adapted to this culture better than we did was two years ago when I drove for Didi—bet you didn’t know that, I used to drive for Didi. At that time, things were going well, so I bought a car. One night, I took a ride request from a bar on Changle Road to a guy living in Pudong. When he got in the car, he found out I spoke English, so he started chatting with me in English. He complained about how bad Shanghai was, but all those problems I didn’t even know about—like playing mahjong in a lane and losing over 200 yuan to an old man, or chatting with someone on the app ‘Tantan,’ adding them on WeChat, only to find out it was a scam, or the contractor always complaining on Weibo because the client didn’t listen to him... Forty minutes of complaints without repeating, friends. The conclusion was Shanghai has deep tricks, and he wanted to go home. He still couldn’t get used to the local culture. I felt a bit sorry for him, thinking that it was tough for a foreigner here, someone far from home. Should I waive the ride fee for him? So I asked, ‘What’s your address on Fanghua Road? I’ll drop you off at your community gate.’ But this foreigner replied in fluent Mandarin, ‘Oh, no need, just take me to Longyang Road. My electric scooter’s there.’”

No one can escape Yu Dule’s foreigner jokes. After the performance, Yu Dule and Guan Xingxin chatted in the last row, discussing everything from stand-up comedy to live streaming. Yu Dule didn’t beat around the bush: “I heard about what happened the other day, and I think you’re really beautiful and brave. There will definitely be more people who like you in the future.”

The implication of his words was clear: storms are inevitable, so he might as well acknowledge it. He also made his feelings clear, showing he liked her as a person and supported her live streaming career. As for his history of being a “licking dog” who gifts during live streams but hasn’t gotten a private chat opportunity, he didn’t mention it at all. Guan Xingxin smiled and chatted with him, a routine that Gu Yi was familiar with: charming, noble, and pitiful—her door to love was always open as long as she was interested. When Yu Dule walked away, Guan Xingxin mysteriously said, “From what I know about Liang Daiwen, he’s the type to back out. So many girls like him, and as soon as there’s a hint of confession, he immediately rejects them and even stops giving out his WeChat. But you’re still living at his place.”

“I…”

“There’s a chance. You like him, right? You want to date him, right? He’s really handsome. If it weren’t for my emotional disorder, I’d chase after him too, and that music blogger wouldn’t have had a chance.”

“…”

The provocation came so suddenly, but Guan Xingxin got her answer and was very satisfied: “But the most important thing right now is not to confirm whether Liang Daiwen likes you, but to make sure he doesn’t back out. Even if he has emotional disorders, he’s still a man. So, with men, you need to use a man’s way.”

After that, she stood up to find Yu Dule. Gu Yi sat there, thinking that the reason people get bored is because they haven’t been enlightened by love. People who want to fall in love but haven’t figured it out yet, no matter how much they exude hormones, are still dull. But those who have figured it out naturally have that charming aura—jovial, fragile, reckless, decadent... they emit emotions. Guan Xingxin’s brokenness, caused by love, was obvious. If Liang Daiwen couldn’t express his feelings, then perhaps in actions, he would have to express them multiple times more than others to show his emotions.

Her every action seemed more like a muscular compensation for expressing feelings.

Just as she thought about this, footsteps echoed on the stairs. The sound was unusually familiar. It was...

Liang Daiwen.

His appearance at this moment seemed like some kind of destiny. Gu Yi asked in surprise, “What are you doing here?”

“You told me this morning that there was a performance tonight. I didn’t get picked, but I promised I’d come.”

“…”

This was probably the first time she was certain that she wanted to have him.

She left her bike at Ounce, thinking tonight she didn’t need it. She was going to test if there was any potential for a romantic relationship with Liang Daiwen. A bike without a back seat was no longer a useful prop. The sound of high heels clicking on the floor was the first step women usually take to knock on a man’s heart. Remembering what Guan Xingxin said, “When it’s a man, you need to use a man’s way,” she still felt a little defeated. What method could she use for someone like him, an empty vessel?

“That Weibo post from Guan Xingxin... that was your idea, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I guessed it was you. There’s no smarter girl around her. You always exceed people’s expectations.”

Gu Yi didn’t say anything. Was that a compliment? But the next line was a shock: “This morning, it seems like I touched something I shouldn’t have. I apologize.”

“…Liang Daiwen, you have a long reaction time.”

“I didn’t think of it at the time.”

Gu Yi’s heart skipped a beat. Was this him feeling embarrassed?

“So, it might be inconvenient for you to live at my place. When are you moving out?”

His words sounded like teasing, but also like testing. Gu Yi felt a jolt in her heart and suddenly wanted to test him too: “I’m planning to move in with Guan Xingxin. Once she agrees, I’ll really leave.”

Liang Daiwen paused for a moment, then continued walking. She felt that pause!

“Liang Daiwen!” She shouted.

He turned around, still with his usual expression of a blank face.

“Emotional disorder. Do you want me to treat it? I heard from Guan Xingxin that your doctor is going abroad. Although I don’t have a medical license, I do stand-up comedy. I’m funny, bold, and I specialize in being friends with weirdos…”

He didn’t move.

“I’m so interesting, are you unable to understand or you just didn’t listen? Missing someone like me is your loss.”

“Alright, I got it.” He turned and walked away.

“Can I pay the treatment fee?”

“How much?”

“Let me stay for another month. Guan Xingxin’s place was newly renovated, there’s formaldehyde in the air.”

Faced with the clumsy lie, Liang Daiwen only gave her his back: “Oh.”

Gu Yi stood frozen in place. Liang Daiwen walked five meters away, turned around, and saw that Gu Yi hadn’t moved, lost in thought. He wasn’t impatient, but calmly asked, “What are you waiting for?”

“Don’t move, let me look at you.”

Liang Daiwen put his hands in his pockets, his calm demeanor almost like a disguise: “What’s there to look at?”

Gu Yi stood there, staring at Liang Daiwen not far away, as if the starlight, neon lights, and floating dust fell upon him, giving her a new perspective. What she was seeing now was actually the projection of her twenty-six years of experiences, preferences, desires, and expectations onto him. Without all of that, Liang Daiwen was just a man—no connection, no personal history, no overlapping story, small to the point of being ordinary. The brilliance she saw on him came from her own imagination and romantic nature. This should be the part of her she was proud of.

“What exactly are you looking at?” Liang Daiwen, facing her gaze, tilted his head calmly: “Is there something strange on my face?”

As expected, he didn’t understand. But she wasn’t disappointed by this moment. In the reflection in the same glass, the neon lights were blending them into the same color, as if wrapping them in the same amber. He radiated a light that mirrored her own, pulling her closer and closer, just like smelling the scent of sunlight and believing spring is coming, seeing a kiss and a hug and automatically labeling it as love, willingly running into a bullet to face the unknown danger, heartbeats involuntarily quickening... She was fascinated by the story, faithfully believing that an emotional stir would bring unexpected things. The look in the eyes of the person in front of her was giving her the possibility of creating a new world.

This feeling was something she had always longed for.