Chapter 75

This is my own life.

These words left Gu Yi stunned. Changing jobs had sparked a lot of new hope in her heart, but also a little anxiety—if she developed such a strong aversion to things she didn’t like but was good at, what would happen if she experienced career burnout doing something she loved? Perhaps Huang Wendai gave her a new perspective—people aren’t binary, and there’s not much time to devote to emotions. Gu Yi watched Huang Wendai’s retreating figure, and for the first time, she felt that he wasn’t entirely unpleasant. In the age where middle-aged people are prone to breaking down, he still fought against life and was thriving. His and Jacqueline’s lives—still vibrant in their middle age—gave her a bit of hope. Life might mostly be lonely, but as long as one has the ability, it doesn’t have to be entirely swept up by life.

The one who was being swept up was Guan Xingxin. She rarely returned home, but when she did, her parents, full of complaints, came over and had already started treating the loft as their own home. Her father was lying on the sofa, watching short videos on Kuaishou, enjoying the ones with crying babies—his new method of pressuring her to marry. Her bed was taken by her parents, her father occupied the sofa, and there was no longer anywhere to rest in the house.

“The landlord just knocked. Did you forget to pay the rent?” Her mother came over and handed her a cup of black soybean milk she had made herself, which made Gu Yi’s head ache just from the smell.

“Chen Ma paid it. She stopped paying the rent.”

“No wonder. Hurry up and break up with him. She’ll send the rent as soon as you do.”

“I’m not staying here anymore. I’m moving out.”

“Where are we supposed to stay?”

“You can stay wherever you want.”

“Crazy. Are you going to go against your parents just for that guy? Are you planning to move in with him? I don’t agree!”

“I want to live by myself.”

“Xinxin, how can you not listen to your mother? And Chen Ma, she has invested so much effort in you, treating you like her own daughter. If you marry that kind of delinquent, she will be heartbroken!”

“He’s not a delinquent! I’ve only met him once and don’t want to see him again. What is he, a fly? Trash? A beggar? He’s just a young man who works hard and comes home all messy, just like everyone else. He’s struggling!”

“Xinxin, let me tell you, a decent man wouldn’t do such hard work. Even in our hometown, office workers would never go out with oily, messy hair. Who would dress like that? The ones who do that are the ones selling fried cakes on the street, working in barbershops, or crawling under cars at the auto repair shop. How do you not understand?”

“I can’t explain it to you,” Guan Xingxin said, forcing back her tears. She now knew crying wouldn’t help, and when reasoning with her parents, she couldn’t show weakness. “The lease on the apartment ends this Friday, and I won’t be taking the deposit back. I’ll move my things out in the next few days, you two should go home.”

“I’ll follow you wherever you go, but you must have a boyfriend we’re satisfied with.”

“Mom, you won’t be able to get into the place I’m moving to, so stop thinking about it.”

Guan Xingxin never thought she could be so ruthless. While her parents were at People’s Park during the day, she packed her things into a large suitcase and moved them to the house rented by Gu Yi. She then took her suitcase to Jacqueline’s place, where the second bedroom was already full. She calculated how much rent she would need to pay Jacqueline, checked a rental platform, and decided... to skip it. Even though Jacqueline might think she had no shame for not leaving, and hadn’t kicked her out, she figured she could at least survive for the week and get her parents to return to their hometown.

The last message she sent to her parents was: “Go home. This is my life.”

The landlord would definitely kick her out on Friday. They couldn’t afford to extend the lease, and staying in a hotel would cost thousands of yuan every month, money they couldn’t waste. Why didn’t she think of this earlier? If she had canceled the lease sooner, maybe her parents wouldn’t even have made it to People’s Park.

Money is indeed a good thing; at least it can buy privacy. Without money to pay rent, she could be a cook—she went to a nearby import supermarket to buy meat and eggs, opened Jacqueline’s fridge, which looked like a garden of plants. Calmly, she made a four-dish soup dinner, and nervously waited until 9 PM. When Jacqueline came in and smelled the soup, Guan Xingxin, holding the warm dishes, said, “I made dinner. You haven’t eaten yet, right?”

“I don’t eat dinner. Who allowed you to use my kitchen?” Jacqueline’s mood was clearly bad.

“I’ll definitely move out by this weekend. I promise. At least... let me cook this meal to thank you.”

“If you really want to thank me, don’t touch my things.” Jacqueline picked up her chopsticks, showing clear signs of a lack of appetite. Guan Xingxin could tell, so she mashed up the food on the plate, pretending she had eaten, and only dipped her chopsticks in the sauce, picking out her favorite things to eat a couple of bites. She felt a bit sorry for the woman in front of her. Jacqueline, in her thirties, maintained a zero-size figure, and the cost behind it was unimaginable.

“The beef brisket really... tastes great. I added a little bit of cream to the curry, not much, just a tablespoon. Try it.”

Jacqueline wasn’t the kind of woman who would spare people’s feelings. She scooped the beef brisket and curry soup into her bowl, ate a bite with rice, didn’t say anything, and quietly finished the whole bowl—her usual dieting was because no one had cooked for her. Guan Xingxin looked at Jacqueline, whose complexion was slightly rosy, and served her more soup: “Bamboo fungus chicken soup, with red dates. I promise, I won’t cook another meal.”

The person across from her didn’t speak, just put down her bowl and went to take a shower. Guan Xingxin shouted behind her, “The bathwater’s ready, there’s a bath ball by the tub, have fun!”

Jacqueline didn’t respond to any of this. After a while, a message arrived on her phone: “Don’t touch my things, I’m not used to having my routine disrupted. You and Gu Yi should attend the weekend event together, we’re short of people.”

Guan Xingxin changed clothes and went to Yu Dule’s company. Her parents’ calls kept coming in, but she hung up every time. In this vast city of Shanghai, they couldn’t find her. When Yu Dule came out from the server room’s back door, his eyes barely open from tiredness, she said, “I’ll come with you to your place.”

When the door opened, the damp and moldy smell of the old house mixed with the sweat of a man’s body filled the air. Yu Dule’s main bedroom had a balcony, and the curtains looked like they hadn’t been opened in years. Clean socks and clothes were scattered on the floor, and the air conditioning was very cold. Yu Dule said, “I’m going to take a shower.” Guan Xingxin quietly opened the window, hearing the sound of the bathroom, and then closed it. After Yu Dule entered, he didn’t notice, just lay down and said, “Sleep, I’m too tired.”

“I’ve canceled the Loft lease. In a while, when my parents return to their hometown, let’s move in together.”

“This place is fine, close to the server room. I don’t have time to go out and look for another place.”

“I can help look for one.”

“Really no need. You find a place where you feel comfortable. I’m too busy.”

“...Okay.”

There was no desire or further conversation. In the darkness, neither could recognize the other. Guan Xingxin felt a pang of sadness. She had already turned down the variety show, but the assistant director kept insisting that the script would ensure she stayed single until the end. The recording and advertisement exposure fees were considerable, so she should seize the opportunity. In the darkness, she asked Yu Dule, “When you edit the videos, you don’t follow the script, do you?”

“Yeah. But if there’s any unexpected drama, we’ll edit that in. We prefer surprises, variety shows are unpredictable.”

“Do you think I’ll become popular?”

“You?” Yu Dule laughed, “Probably not. You’re so tired of humans, you’d probably get depressed in that environment.”

“Who knows? Maybe I could do really well. After all, I’ve been the behind-the-scenes person for so long, I’ve been wanting to unleash my true self. My parents wouldn’t think I’m useless anymore. Maybe I could do stand-up comedy, I’ve met some crazy people during my live streams...”

Yu Dule suddenly kissed her. She had expected the tired man to fall asleep immediately, but the familiar embrace and scent surrounded her, making her feel both sad and comforted. At least there was a harbor like this. Whether or not she went on the variety show didn’t matter, she could always find another job to keep going; the people around her used to be strange and romantic men, once wanting to open a store that exchanged dreams for wishes. She had to protect him...

Turning on the bedside lamp, Yu Dule looked at her: “You can do whatever you want, don’t worry about me—you’re free.”

The activity Jacqueline mentioned was an English-style afternoon tea salon at a luxury boutique in the Peninsula Hotel. After passing multiple security checks, it was a paradise for rich young ladies. Gu Yi arrived by subway, walking in high heels around East Nanjing Road, thinking the Peninsula Hotel didn’t suit her, and when she entered, she felt even more out of place seeing Zhang Qingya. With three weeks left before her official resignation, seeing Zhang Qingya and Jacqueline together was just double the bad luck. But when she saw Guan Xingxin, she felt a bit of warmth. She went over and asked, “What are you doing here?”

“Jacqueline asked me to come to make up the numbers.”

Nothing had changed. Jacqueline was still so dedicated to maintaining relationships with high-end clients. The consultant was carefully explaining the quality of diamonds, how to distinguish purity, which was more valuable—rubies or sapphires, and how jewelry pieces were inspired... Gu Yi yawned from the back row. No one there really needed to listen. The first two rows were filled with socialites and wealthy ladies, the third row with people like Jacqueline, a fashion editor who called her clients “sisters,” and the last row was for people like her, just writing copy with her eyes closed. Couples with real shopping needs wouldn’t come here. The event was by appointment only, and only a small group of people knew about this circle. While touring the boutique, at the corner, three doors opened in sequence. Huang Wendai looked up and saw Jacqueline, smiling, and said, “What a coincidence.”

The guests looked at each other in confusion, and the consultant led them to the next room, leaving only a few familiar faces behind. Jacqueline, uninterested in pretending, said, “You chased all the way here, so impressive.”

“I’m staying here tonight.”

“Oh. With your poor English, can you tell the difference between body wash and conditioner?”

“Better than you, who knows the difference but can’t afford it.”

Zhang Qingya tried to smooth things over, saying, “We’re all here for the client, no need to make it awkward. Roger will bring the kids over soon, and we can all go to the restaurant upstairs, my treat.”

“Speaking of kids, Zhang Qingya, when are you having one? You’re not getting any younger. Stop focusing on those young designers around you. You won’t learn anything good hanging out with Jacqueline. If you don’t have kids, your husband might find someone else.” Huang Wenda’s gaze on the watch display was calm, but his interest was clearly on Jacqueline.

“Want to have kids? You go ahead. Don’t question others.”

“Fine—Zhang Junjie, why did you have an abortion? I’ve dreamed of having a child that belongs to both of us. I told you, even if you didn’t want it, I’d take it…”

“You’re not qualified to be a father.”

“I begged you, I begged you. How many times have I said, it was one of my employees who got gas poisoning, and I was at the hospital, desperate and unable to leave. I have an obligation to take care of them, regardless of their gender, right? Plus, you had promised me, you’d give me an answer in a month. But your answer was ‘no,’ and you had the abortion. Are you even human?”

“This is my life, it has nothing to do with you.”

The atmosphere became increasingly awkward. Gu Yi wanted to escape to a place without these two people. Changing rooms, she accidentally ran into Zhang Qingya. The familiar woody scent of perfume in her hair was exactly like Liang Daiwen’s. Gu Yi’s movement of inhaling the scent was noticed by Zhang Qingya, who smiled and said, “It’s Lelabo’s Santal33. Someone gave it to me and Liang Daiwen at a party back at CMU. It was a Christmas party, many people were there smoking hookahs. Liang Daiwen broke his head and someone gave him painkillers, but later we found out it was birth control pills. Even though they played a prank on him, he didn’t get angry…” Zhang Qingya seemed to show off these memories, saying, “Youthful memories are always hard to forget. But when you get older, you forget things easily, like forgetting that he’s already terminated the contract.”

“Over a million, remember it well.” Gu Yi crossed her arms and returned to the salon, where a socialite was trying on a diamond ring. The diamond sparkled under the light, but Gu Yi’s mind felt like a malfunctioning TV, static buzzing everywhere. Guan Xingxin, noticing her, asked, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing, just smelled Liang Daiwen’s perfume on Zhang Qingya. It’s unsettling.”

“Do they still keep in touch? What are you going to do?”

“Nothing, it’s just perfume.” Gu Yi, unusually calm, replied, “I’m not that bad. It’s him who should be feeling insecure. If just Zhang Qingya can make us waver, then it’s bound to end badly. And this world works like that—breakups happen, hearts get broken, then you find the next person. If he leaves, it means he wasn’t right for me.”

After saying this, Gu Yi surprised herself. Guan Xingxin laughed and said, “Little bunny, that’s something only someone who’s been pampered would say, so fearless.”

“It’s not that. It’s my own confidence.”

Guan Xingxin froze.

“I no longer intentionally search for signs that someone loves me. Always relying on little clues to confirm whether a man loves me isn’t my character. You might also need to realize that life is yours to live.”

The event continued. Huang Wenda had already disappeared—he was only here to help a friend pick up an order. Many children had arrived at the salon, chattering and making noise. Jacqueline frowned and went outside to make a call. Zhang Qingya was surrounded by other friends and could only call out to Guan Xingxin, “Sorry, I forgot to grab Huang Wenda’s diamond ring certificate. Could you help me deliver it?”

When told to come to a room, Guan Xingxin knocked on Huang Wenda’s door, but there was no response. A second later, he was gone. The window in the 11th-floor room faced the river, and for a few seconds, she indulged in the view of the Huangpu River and the cruise ships. She couldn’t find Huang Wenda. The room was eerily quiet. She gently asked, “Mr. Huang, are you there?”

No answer. Guan Xingxin thought it might be dangerous, so she was about to leave the certificate and run but noticed the bathroom…

Huang Wenda was curled up in the bathtub, wrapped in a blanket, looking as helpless as a baby. Only half of his face was visible, and his expression couldn’t be seen as he buried himself in the blanket. As the evening sun set, the orange-purple glow streamed into the bathroom, and the lights from Lujiazui shimmered. The room gradually darkened, and his curled-up posture in the small space felt oddly familiar to Guan Xingxin—it reminded her of what she had often imagined in her childhood: hiding and sleeping in a confined space, as if returning to the dark red womb, living as a lonely child for a lifetime.

She bent down and heard Huang Wenda say, “I hate this world, and I’m tired of people’s hearts.”

Guan Xingxin smiled and gently knelt by the bathtub, saying, “Me too.”

Gu Yi, for the first time, called Liang Daiwen to come pick her up. It was over thirty degrees, and Liang Daiwen was wearing jeans and a black shirt, his tall frame tightly wrapped up. He had pulled an all-nighter and was called up early, his hair sticking out in different directions. He saw Gu Yi running toward him from a distance, lunged forward, and clung to her, unwilling to let go. Behind him, Zhang Qingya stood, the sound of a piano playing coldly. In the heat, Liang Daiwen was attacked by his girlfriend’s passionate embrace, laughing helplessly.

“Let go.”

“No.”

“I’m all sweaty—37-degree heat.”

“I’m not afraid. Did you finish your app? The sound amplifier?”

“Yeah, it’s online. I was just about to head to the company. Want to come with me?”

“Sure!” Gu Yi looked across the river. “Let’s not take the subway. Let’s take the boat instead.”

The summer night wind, and workaholic Liang Daiwen talked to Gu Yi for a long time about the debugging process, which gave Gu Yi a headache. Liang Daiwen said, “The work is pretty simple now. I asked a startup in Zhangjiang before; they spent three months on the program, and the money almost drained their team.”

Gu Yi was puzzled, “You’ve developed software for people with both hearing and visual disabilities, but haven’t you heard of any software for people with olfactory disabilities?”

“Because olfactory impairments don’t usually affect normal life.”

“How don’t they affect it? No taste when eating, can’t smell flowers, can’t escape fire or gas poisoning…”

“Smell can’t be digitized.” Liang Daiwen thought seriously, “Because vision and hearing are probably used to assist in life, while smell is more related to mental life.”

“Hmm?”

“The part of the brain that controls thinking and memory evolved from the area that controls smell. Smell and the emotional limbic system can change a person’s perception and consciousness. So you see, people with rhinitis are often more irritable and have poorer memory.”

Thinking back to the first time she met Liang Daiwen, he wore perfume, and his entire demeanor was rebellious, yet like a plant—full of contradictions. Liang Daiwen, who no longer wore perfume, may have been gradually weaning himself off his dependency on Zhang Qingya. But at least there were memories from his time studying abroad, and for a period, they had stayed in close contact… She didn’t mention it, but suddenly pinched his face and said:

“Let me ask you something. Does Zhang Qingya know you have alexithymia?”

“No, I only started admitting it after I met you.”

Gu Yi, feeling victorious as if winning a game, pressed on: “Does that mean I need a smell to help you remember me? Otherwise, if you lose your memory, you won’t be able to find me.”

“Of course, you have a smell.”

“What kind of smell?” Gu Yi asked, eagerly waiting for Liang Daiwen’s answer.

“The smell of a poor person.”

“...”

Liang Daiwen laughed, and his smile was one of that common, everyday happiness, no different from ordinary people. Gu Yi walked beside Liang Daiwen, clinging to his arm: “Good brother, take this poor person out to eat, I’m starving, I’m so hungry that I can’t even be humane at night…”

“Speak properly.”

“No, good brother, I can’t walk anymore.”

“Do you want to be hit?”

“You have such a hobby? I like it so much.”

Liang Daiwen couldn’t take it anymore: “Help me!”

Thinking about the tour at the Google office, Gu Yi couldn’t hide her excitement. She skipped excitedly, ready to cross the street. The traffic light turned from green to red, and she didn’t notice, but was pulled back into Liang Daiwen’s arms. In the process, she grabbed his collar and bit his lip—quite forcefully. Liang Daiwen, whose ability to feel love was slightly weak, understood this was a possessive act filled with emotion. He asked in confusion, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, I just couldn’t resist the sudden panic inside me, so I couldn’t help but hurt you. I promise, next time I’ll be gentler. I really like you. But throughout all of this, my favorite part of liking you is chasing after you... me. If you told me to let go of you right now, I absolutely wouldn’t. And I would work hard to make you unable to forget me, just like how you are to Zhang Qingya. I want to pour my everything into your soul, whether or not my alexithymia will be healed, or if it will always remain obscure, I still want to be the one who makes your heart race.”

“This is probably the ambition I have as a woman.”