Chapter 58

Today, if you want to be single, just step over me.

Of course, Gu Yi didn’t manage to make it to the lunch reservation. She spent the entire afternoon discussing topics with Jacqueline, feeling like her heart was pierced by a thousand arrows. She never expected that her confession would be delivered through a wrong group message to Liang Daiwen. That “Okay, got it” response was also giving her a headache—embarrassing, too embarrassing. She could almost see Liang Daiwen’s smug expression in front of her.

But aside from the embarrassment, there was also a swelling feeling in her heart—unease, nervousness, and… joy.

Jacqueline was still reviewing all the topics for Bypass, a bold public account, with the latest edition directly discussing medical aesthetics and cosmetic surgery, which had been promoted by medical institutions to the magazine. Gu Yi had spent a week at a medical aesthetic clinic, returned, and written two posts. One for the major public account talking about the importance of medical aesthetics for urban women, and another for Bypass discussing industry trends and the overwhelming demand for plastic surgery among women. Jacqueline had removed the overly sarcastic parts, leaving only the sharp, but respectful critiques of the medical aesthetic industry’s rules. Gu Yi was about to complain when Jacqueline said, “Save that for your stand-up comedy. The public account either gets copied or reported for stuff like that, it’s a waste.”

Liang Daiwen took the initiative to message her: “Why aren’t you replying? After the social death, there’s nothing left to say? Confessing isn’t something embarrassing.”

While Gu Yi glanced at her phone, Jacqueline noticed her expression: “You’re so red, can you still focus on work?”

Quickly putting her phone down on the desk, Gu Yi calmed herself. But it was Jacqueline who asked first: “Is it Liang Daiwen or Xu Guanyue?”

“Huh?”

“Your final choice. Is it Liang Daiwen? I noticed something was off when we were at the Bulgari Hotel that day. Your expression was strange when standing next to him. But I didn’t realize you two were this deeply connected—I always thought you were with Xu Guanyue.”

“……”

“Xu Guanyue doesn’t need anyone, he’s romantic enough on his own. But any relationship requires mutual need. Without Liang Daiwen, you would probably feel like something’s missing in life.”

“Why does it always sound like you look down on Xu Guanyue?” Gu Yi didn’t understand. Jacqueline had rejected him first, so why still speak of him like this? It seemed disrespectful in Gu Yi’s eyes.

“I don’t look down on him. Even now, I admire his talent. If there’s a collaboration, I would prioritize him. How can I put it, Xu Guanyue enjoys being ignored—those who love but can’t have someone, their souls tremble. That empty and anxious feeling suits him for writing music reviews, and he cherishes that talent. Many people want stability, but Xu Guanyue wants the freedom that comes from the pain… the freedom of the soul.”

Gu Yi was stunned. Jacqueline laughed while tapping away on her keyboard: “He has a habit, I don’t know if he’s mentioned it to you—he can’t stand seeing a girl cry, he can’t let her go home in tears. When I first heard that, I was moved too.”

After leaving Jacqueline’s office, only a few colleagues remained outside. Unlike the fleeting feeling that had hung in the air like laundry on a clothesline, Xu Guanyue felt like the ripples caused by wind on a loose satin shirt, a breeze flowing across the chest that could not be grasped but was always there, blowing. He insisted on not contacting Gu Yi, which was completely different from the loyal comrade who would always stay by his side. After spending so much time together, Gu Yi understood. The wet little dog had sensed its own expiration and had left the home, returning to the rainy night.

She made three phone calls, but he didn’t pick up. Gu Yi then replied to Liang Daiwen’s message: “I just finished a meeting, and now I’m going to ounce.”

“Taking so long to reply, is this revenge on me?”

“Only you, Liang Daiwen, are vengeful. It’s rare to get an open mic slot, and since it’s almost the end of March, I might not get another chance in April. I’m heading to ounce. How’s your conversation with that Harvard girl going?”

“Always bringing up the Harvard girl. I asked you out for lunch because I was working overtime. There’s a time difference with the U.S., so I might not be able to meet you tonight.”

“Are you working overtime with the Harvard girl?”

On the other end, Liang Daiwen hissed, “I’m by myself. The way you’re acting now, it’s hard to believe you’re the same Gu Yi who confessed with a teary voice over the phone.”

Gu Yi quickly hung up. After hanging up, she found it a bit funny. Liang Daiwen, who used to speak so bluntly and emotionlessly, now even used interjections.

At the end of March, this might be Gu Yi’s last time performing on the ounce stage. The variety show’s contracted actors were about to move in, and ounce was set to be renamed as the Antelope Club. The wild bilingual club was welcoming fresh blood and more market-oriented management, but it would no longer be her ounce.

“Hello, everyone, I’m Gu Yi. Recently, I realized how cruel big data can be. A few days ago, I took a selfie, and all the apps bombarded me with cosmetic surgery ads.”

The audience immediately understood and laughed in unison. It had been a while since she encountered such quick laughter, and Gu Yi continued, satisfied: “Because of work, I’m in magazine interviews. A few days ago, I went to experience medical aesthetics, and I discovered that our people are experiencing the greatest appearance anxiety in the five thousand years of Chinese history.”

“As soon as I entered, I saw girls my age waiting in the lobby. The setup was beyond imagination—salespeople walked back and forth with POS machines, very professional. After waiting for half an hour, a salesperson received me and told me that one side of my temples was a bit sunken and that it would affect my marriage. The unquestionable tone stunned me, but I firmly rejected it because—I’m not a wife, and I have no husband. The salesperson said we could pay in installments, but it would really affect my relationship with my partner. They really overestimated me. I’m so broke, I don’t know whether tomorrow or an accident will come first. Later, when she found out I was there for an interview, she became wary of me until the director came in. This director has a lot of gossip, and after hearing it, you’ll realize that the world is really unfair. Confidence is given to men, while anxiety is given to women. For example, the relationship between the temples and marriage—their recommendation was automatically only for female clients.”

“They gave me a photorejuvenation experience, which supposedly is the least painful procedure. But because the strong light burns the hair on your face, I could smell the burning. It hurt a lot when they zapped my front teeth. I thought to myself, is this really the lowest pain level? Do girls treat themselves this harshly?”

“Hyaluronic acid filling is very popular, right? The director showed me some photos of people coming for repairs. Some people used hyaluronic acid to inject their foreheads, using a needle from the hairline and injecting it along the forehead in a fan shape. Right after the injection, the effect was quite good, but a few months later, problems arose. The remaining hyaluronic acid started to develop a life of its own. If you press on it, it will swell, so every now and then you’ll see a fan-shaped line on someone’s forehead, and when they make expressions, it’s even more obvious. I thought to myself, technology has really advanced a lot. Back in the day, people used small fans on their hats to cool down; now it’s evolved to be inside the human body.”

“Another very popular procedure is Thermage. They first stick a grid on your face, and then use radio frequency to heat the face for a tightening effect. Sounds like a magical procedure, right? But when I was arguing with the director, he mentioned a failed case. A lady got her face tightened with the grid, and then, a little greedy, she injected hyaluronic acid into her cheeks. As a result, with the grid from Thermage, the hyaluronic acid filled in, and her face became like an old-fashioned down jacket, with lumps everywhere. You can’t tell from a distance, but if she touches her face, it feels like touching a puffy jacket, and it’s heartbreaking. It also hurt a lot during the procedure, and she had to inject more needles to dissolve it all, otherwise, what would she do? Have a down jacket on her face, and 16 packs of abdominal muscles on each side when she smiles.”

The audience laughed happily, and Gu Yi looked around. There were no familiar faces today. Yu Dule had started editing the video, and the bartender had changed. Ounce was quietly undergoing a transformation. She had to focus and finish her set.

“Some things are even more outrageous. There’s a procedure called small leg nerve blocking, where they cut a nerve in your calf to make your legs thinner. I’ve lived this long, and I’ve only heard of appendix and foreskin being removed, but never heard of calves being cut. I guess this is the so-called ‘cutting tendons’ for beauty? There’s bone cement filling, where they strip the scalp and skull to fill it with bone cement to raise the top of the skull and the back of the head. Just think about it, they’ve moved construction work to the top of your head. There’s also hyaluronic acid injection at the base of the ear for elf ears, and liposuction on your fingers to turn them into fairy hands. It’s like all this beauty stuff is in the fairy realm—if you want beauty, you can’t be human. But in fact, these procedures all have long swelling and recovery periods. Women really endure hardships to become beautiful. Look at all these fat, middle-aged men wearing polo shirts with their chest and belly showing, they can laugh and slap themselves, but women are mostly slim and beautiful. What does this show? It shows that the mannequins in the department store displays need to be updated. Men in their middle ages have bellies, so male models need to add that too. Otherwise, they’re just spreading anxiety.”

“Actually, female self-discipline is very good—society progresses, and beauty isn’t just to please men. But now everyone looks alike, with white skin, big eyes, and high noses—can someone tell them that beauty doesn’t have just one standard? These beauty apps are always promoting perfection. Bloggers and viewers have an instinct to nitpick, ‘Ugh, the nose is so big, so ugly!’ In blind dates, men comment on everything, ‘Niwa, you’re so careless. Don’t be a human in the next life.’ Girls start using their phone screens as mirrors: ‘My nose isn’t delicate enough, my single eyelids are uneven, I don’t have a smile line, my calves are too thick...’ In ancient times, there were the top ten tortures of the Qing Dynasty, now we have medical beauty and plastic surgery centers. Cosmetic surgery doesn’t make people beautiful, it just makes them different. Beauty is just a temporary trend. If you look long-term, we’re just shaking in the box of the times. What will happen in a few years? Will we change our faces again?”

After finishing the performance and stepping off the stage, a new actor with a broadcast-like tone jumped onto the platform. Only twenty-three years old, his diction was impeccable, and his body language was especially expressive. His timing and comedic delivery were spot-on. He was likely a newcomer to the show this year, unstoppable in his rise. Gu Yi thought to herself, well, that makes sense. Once “ounce” changes its name in April, she won’t belong here anymore.

As she was sipping her drink, a voice suddenly approached her: “Are you Teacher Gu? I’m Liu Ran, a comedy agent from You Wu Rao. Is it convenient to talk after the show?”

At her desk at home, she sat in front of the computer, looking at a signing invitation from a small stand-up comedy company. The offer came from a new comedy club, with no signing bonus, but it promised no fewer than four gigs a month and opportunities for advertisements. It was hard for Gu Yi to resist the temptation. However, the contract terms were heavily imbalanced. The company’s obligations were minimal, only committing to “make every effort” for gigs and ads, while the performer’s duties filled nearly three pages, including a clause that would prevent her from performing at other clubs, and if broken, she would be banned from performing worldwide, with legal consequences.

It was a harsh contract, but it was undeniably tempting. After the new year, it would be hard to get spots at “ounce” anymore. Starting next month, the actors would be rehearsing their routines, and she would only be an audience member. Having her own club meant regular performances and the chance to do ads, it felt like the door to being a full-time stand-up comedian was opening wide.

She called Yu Dule for advice. On the other end, she could hear the sound of a mouse clicking—he was clearly editing a video. According to his explanation, as an industry-leading talent agency, they signed actors mainly based on their fame and talent, with contracts varying. For lesser-known comedians, they could still perform at other clubs, unlike Gu Yi’s contract, which was so strict. However, since the industry was still in its infancy, the contracts were often “exploitative.” Their agency had contracts with a starting term of three years and a maximum of eight years. Top-tier comedians had to audition for shows, even for the second season, which meant they would always be in a competitive environment.

“Aren’t you signing with anyone?” Gu Yi asked curiously.

“I already signed, but there are too many big names; I don’t stand a chance. In our company, the new media editors and the scriptwriters are all amateurs who perform open mics. The one with the broadcast tone you met last time? He’s one of us. We have a comedian in every department. Now that stand-up comedy is getting popular, all the top comedians are waiting for the second season. Some have even come from other industries—people who are so talented that they could succeed in anything. Stand-up comedy is just another branch of their skill tree. I’m editing audition videos, and everyone seems really strong. Each episode has to pick the top seven performers to go on air. We aren’t experienced, so we don’t have much of a chance. Signing with another club would at least guarantee performances, and that’s also worth it.”

“How do you feel about watching other people’s routines while editing the videos?” Gu Yi couldn’t help but ask—she had a fleeting thought of envy. Yu Dule’s routines weren’t as good as hers, but she hadn’t received any proactive invites from his company. Her abilities weren’t up to par, which was understandable.

“Shows like this, you can’t be too busy with your main job, otherwise, it’ll affect your routine, and you won’t be able to write good material. But honestly, the contracts for these shows are pretty much like tyranny. The company owns all the rights to the routines, the scripts need to be reviewed, you have to record commercials, and a lot of sharp edges get cut off in editing. Everything becomes more like a variety show, which goes against the essence of stand-up comedy. We all know that the best material comes from everyday experiences, but when you’re under pressure to write, it all becomes forced.”

“Yeah…”

“Are we really ready to make a living from stand-up comedy? It’s easy to say ‘I want it,’ but we all know how hard it is to sustain yourself. I signed because I want to earn more, but I don’t expect to perform much. But editing videos will raise my salary by 1500. To truly win Guan Xingxin’s heart, I need to have a salary that looks decent.”

Gu Yi looked at the contract in front of her, feeling a little hesitant, but at the moment, she really wanted to try. She didn’t want to lose to the girl with a Harvard degree.

Thinking of this, she opened the door and squatted under the camera to chat with Liang Daiwen. If the real Liang Daiwen were a robot, now he had become a witty boy with flesh and blood who could push and pull. The camera was like a carrier of Liang Daiwen’s thoughts. After being taken apart and reassembled, the data wasn’t in her memory, but the emotions were still there. There were things she wanted to tell him but couldn’t, so she told them all to the camera. As she was about to go to bed, her eyes heavy with sleep, she wanted to say everything before going in. If she spoke directly to Liang Daiwen, she would probably freeze up, especially after awkwardly confessing during the day.

“Liang Daiwen, I received a stand-up comedy contract today. It’s not from Yu Dule’s big company, but it’s a chance to be a comedian. But I don’t have much confidence because...”

Before she could finish her sentence, a strong wind blew through the window, causing the door to slam shut. Gu Yi froze in place, experiencing a wind-swept daze. She had just said she lacked confidence, and now the very phrase “stand-up comedian” felt undeniably true. Her phone was still in the room, and she was unable to reach it. She tried to open the door with her slippers, but it was crooked. How did she get this wrong this time?

She wanted to call a locksmith, but she didn’t have her phone, and going downstairs to make a call was out of the question because she had no money. Besides, she wasn’t wearing any underwear. At midnight, Gu Yi stood on the top floor of the building, smelling the dampness, her eyes heavy with sleep, but she had to stay awake. She couldn’t sleep in the hallway, could she? Barefoot, wearing only one slipper, Gu Yi paced back and forth in the corridor. The window was still letting in the wind, and Gu Yi, furious, could only curse the moonlight for being so beautiful—yet so clueless, how could it shut her out?

She had to think of a way. Just when she was getting a headache, she heard someone coming up the stairs. Gu Yi shrank into the corner in fear. Who was it? What should she do? If it was a stranger delivering something, she, a young woman not wearing underwear, was at serious risk.

The person really did come up to the sixth floor, and Gu Yi’s heart leaped to her throat. Seriously, coming all the way to the sixth floor at this hour?

The motion-sensor lights clicked on, and a female locksmith, breathing heavily, came upstairs. “Did you break the lock?” she asked.

After putting down her toolbox, the locksmith skillfully began to dismantle the lock. “Oh, you even locked it from the inside. This lock is probably going to be ruined once I take it off. You’ll need to replace it, which will cost extra.”

At the thought of the female locksmith coming at such a late hour, Gu Yi knew what was going on. She looked at the camera: “Liang Daiwen, where are you?”

“Downstairs, I just arrived.”

A few steps down, Liang Daiwen, wearing a backpack, had a slight bruise on his face, his hair fluttering in the breeze between the buildings. Since his emotions had shifted, he seemed to be glowing, carrying the newly developed boyish energy, like a teenager eager to grow up, dressed in adult clothes.

He opened his arms, waiting for Gu Yi to rush into his embrace, just like before. Gu Yi wasn’t wearing a bra, and walked toward him, awkwardly crossing her arms. She hit him gently on the chest, one punch after another, not hard, but Liang Daiwen, still recovering from his injury, couldn’t take it and groaned, letting her tighten her fist. After a while, when she was exhausted, her frustration released, Liang Daiwen said, “This is like hitting the teacher with random punches—no strategy, no rules. I’m completely defeated by you like this.”

“Liang Daiwen, aren’t you shameless? It’s clearly your tricks. How long have you been spying on me through the cameras?”

Gu Yi’s arms were still tightly crossed, and the cold wind made her goosebumps rise.

“I saved everything you said.”

“Huh?”

“I set it up. Unplugging doesn’t affect the storage. If someone walks by the door, I get an alert, and everything’s stored on the cloud. So, I’ve saved everything you said.”

“...How did I not know about this?!”

“Because at first, you didn’t want to download the app. I thought I should install an app on my own phone to be alert, but you never mentioned it. I had no choice but to keep an eye on things for you. One night, someone came by to deliver takeout and peeked through your kitchen window. I scared them off.”

“…”

The locksmith came down with a box, handing Gu Yi several keys. “It’s done, 360. This is an AB lock. You can toss the A key after you open the door. Keep the B key for your boyfriend in case you need it again. Next time, make sure to call a female locksmith—don’t bother me in the middle of the night… No next time!”

Gu Yi, too tired to keep her eyes open, took the keys, still trying to differentiate the A and B keys under the streetlight. When she looked up again, Liang Daiwen’s ears were bright red, and he couldn’t even look at her. That’s when she remembered she wasn’t wearing a bra, and the wind made it cold, but everything inside her was wide awake. Hugging her arms, she muttered, “Pervert!”

“I didn’t look at you,” Liang Daiwen, now blushing, turned his back to her, avoiding her gaze. Gu Yi thought to herself, how shy now? Just a minute ago, he was so sharp-tongued. “I’m going upstairs. Thanks for today.”

Before she could open the building door, Liang Daiwen suddenly blocked her way, pushing against the door with his body. Eyes shut tight, but with a confident tone, he said, “Be my girlfriend.”

“...”

“If you don’t agree, I won’t let you go upstairs. If you want to go up as a single person, you’ll have to step over me.”

Saying this, he didn’t even open his eyes, speaking with righteous conviction. Gu Yi couldn’t open the door no matter how hard she tried, and Liang Daiwen grabbed her hand, blocking her from unlocking it. Gu Yi, a little annoyed, said, “Liang Daiwen, how can you do this? Taking advantage of me like this? You would never have been so despicable before.”

“Despicable? Even people with emotional disabilities know that this is called flirting. You clearly like me too, so why not be my girlfriend?”

“Fine, fine, I’ll agree. But I’m tired. I don’t want to be tricked by you anymore. You’re too deep into your schemes…”

Before she could finish speaking, she was suddenly turned around by him, and he hugged her tightly, kissing her.

“Oh no, I’m not wearing a bra…”