Chapter 47

I cannot accept that I am not the special one.

Returning to the Rongmao Theater to perform together, Lu Ming was obviously in a good mood: “It’s rare to have six people here at once. This time I’ve written a very interesting script and even made a simple app.”

The six people were handed scripts that began with a backdrop set in the 1980s, featuring six boys and girls living in a dilapidated building. They witnessed and became involved in a murder case, which led to various personality changes and shaped their subsequent life stories. It was like a sandbox game, where each person’s actions could alter or influence the story’s direction. Lu Ming said it was similar to “The Sims,” with initial skills in beauty, money, and ability, and each person could choose one talent or distribute points evenly among all three.

“I understand now, the app is used to keep track of everything. Every choice you make in the story will affect your ending.”

“Exactly.”

Guan Xingxin laughed and said, “Uncle Lu also said he’d go to the factory to place orders, and he hasn’t stopped researching scripts either.”

“Keeping up with the times. This kind of offline sandbox game is much more expensive than selling plays. But I’m really grateful that you all are willing to help me test this script.”

Each person was here for different reasons, but the common goal was perhaps... not to feel lonely. Gu Yi felt complicated at this moment, glancing at Liang Daiwen. Staying here with them certainly felt like a form of therapy. The script laid out in front of her helped her to temporarily lift her spirits, at least not disrupting the fun of the game.

She and Yu Dule both chose money for the game, Liang Daiwen maxed out his ability, Guan Xingxin maxed out her beauty, and Xu Guanyue and Lu Ming distributed points evenly across all three. Lu Ming laughed and said, “It’s like life preferences by fate. I got a cross-dressing role. Whoever plays with me, don’t mess up the performance.”

The love stories of the three men and three women in the script were all quite different. Liang Daiwen was a quiet, restrained boy in his youth, skilled with knives due to his family’s profession as chefs, but seemed timid by nature. Xu Guanyue was a small-time thug from a poor family, often getting hurt while helping others, but had always looked out for Gu Yi. Guan Xingxin was a simple and sincere older sister who had secretly loved Yu Dule for a long time, while Yu Dule liked Lu Ming’s character in the story... After witnessing the murder, none of them reported it, and each person began making their own choices.

Gu Yi often woke up suddenly in her dreams because, with money, many people would come to disturb her, the door constantly crowded. Guan Xingxin, being beautiful, had many admirers, but because she witnessed the killer, she always had a blurry shadow in her mind and was often weak and sick. Liang Daiwen, due to his abilities, soon became successful in his career but never spoke of his past. Every time an event occurred, the outcome changed depending on the choices made. As Guan Xingxin read, she laughed: “How strange, as soon as I take a script, I always end up with a role that’s not the protagonist, but this story really feels like a battlefield for Gu Yi.”

For a moment, no one spoke.

The plot moved to 1998, when, for the first time in the story, Liang Daiwen fought for Gu Yi, and Xu Guanyue, the leader of the small-time thugs, became his rival. The two boys liked the same girl, and they exchanged a few lines in a confrontation.

“She’s mine.”

“We’re competing on the same stage, we both have the right to.”

“Then let’s see who can win her heart. You’re so weak, you’ve just started learning to fight, how could she like you? Confession only counts as a victory if it reaches her heart. You’re so good at holding back, she’ll never know.”

It was almost like a reflection of reality. Liang Daiwen stiffened noticeably, looking up at Xu Guanyue, then turning his head to glance at the others holding scripts around them. Xu Guanyue raised an eyebrow, signaling him to read the next line. Gu Yi felt a pang of bittersweet emotion, standing on opposite ends of the emotional scale. Xu Guanyue’s soul felt much more refined than Liang Daiwen’s, like a piece of jewelry compared to an unpolished gem. The unfinished gem was constantly compared to others, its self-esteem stretched thin.

The story moved to 2010, when all six characters had the chance to either double their assets conservatively or take a risky gamble. All three men chose the latter, but in different ways. Yu Dule chose to do trade, Liang Daiwen chose to invest in stocks, and Xu Guanyue chose to borrow money from an underground bank and gamble at the casino. Xu Guanyue looked at the projected screen: “Trade and stocks are things you can see, what’s the point? Betting on luck and the unknown is much more exciting.”

Lu Ming took out dice and said to Yu Dule: “Trade in 2010 is a losing game. We’ll roll the dice to see how much you can lose, but it’s okay, you have a lot of money. Liang Daiwen, since you maxed out your ability, your capital can multiply five times. Xu Guanyue, you want to gamble, right? Pass me the cards, let’s see how lucky you are.”

It was a fun game mode. Xu Guanyue rolled up his sleeves: “My love life’s not that great, but other aspects have always been fine. My three categories are balanced. If I don’t gamble, I won’t have a chance to turn things around.”

After three rounds, Xu Guanyue made ten times the profit. He let out a satisfied breath: “Life is about catching people off guard. That’s what sandbox games are all about—making strange choices with an average character, that’s where the fun is.”

The romantic tension written into Xu Guanrui’s bones also carries an element of surprise in his approach to games; Liang Daiwen, on the other hand, seemed to be growing increasingly serious, gradually avoiding looking at her. The man who used to compete fiercely over every detail now found himself being openly challenged by a rival who was thriving in the situation. His demeanor gradually shifted. Occasionally, when their eyes met, Gu Yi couldn’t help but wish she could pause the game and make Liang Daiwen lose less dramatically.

As the truth of the murder case was revealed, Gu Yi recalled the incident when she had accidentally killed the man who tried to assault her. She had lived in constant fear ever since. In the script, the two men who liked her—Liang Daiwen and Xu Guanrui—were about to make a choice. They both had the opportunity to cover up the crime by falsifying testimony, allowing Gu Yi to survive, but at the cost of losing everything and going to prison. Lu Ming glanced at the script and smiled with some subtlety: “The plot here is a bit forced, but it’s just a game script, don’t take it too seriously. Now, make your choice.”

Gu Yi looked at Xu Guanrui, then at Liang Daiwen. The two men held the script in thought—one was smiling gently, as if he’d already reached a decision, while the other carefully read the plot, as though making an irreversible choice.

Yu Dule laughed, “It’s always the same—love the kingdom or love the beauty.”

“There’s nothing to think about, of course, I would save the person. The woman I like, how can I let her get hurt?” Xu Guanrui said, his gaze lingering on Gu Yi for a moment.

Gu Yi stiffened and turned her head to stare at Liang Daiwen. Please, it’s just a game, it’s okay to act against your feelings, just care a little more about me...

Liang Daiwen put the script down on the coffee table. “I won’t save her.”

It was a game, but taken so seriously to this extent, Gu Yi blinked back tears, trying to hold them back. She laughed lightly, trying to make light of it, “What, Liang Daiwen, you’re not even going to pity me in the script?”

“In a situation where love is uncertain, it’s more appropriate to preserve what you already have. Besides, I don’t really understand—what’s so great about love, when you can have something stable instead?”

The entire courtyard fell silent. Lu Ming cleared his throat. “Of course, after all, fate isn’t random; it’s a result of choices.”

A week ago, Liang Daiwen wouldn’t have said this. After spending so much time together, Gu Yi had seen Liang Daiwen’s efforts to obtain love, no one understood it better than she did. Gu Yi looked into Liang Daiwen’s eyes. He seemed quiet today, not quite himself. He would normally insist on sending her home until the very last moment, but now he glanced at his phone and said, “I have to catch a flight to Beijing tomorrow morning. If there’s nothing urgent, I’ll leave now.”

The remaining people suddenly lost interest in playing. The late-night snack was left at the door by the delivery man. Lu Ming clapped his hands. “It’s fine, we can just chat with the five of us. Having work is inevitable.”

Guan Xingxin leaned toward Gu Yi, whispering, “Liang Daiwen seems strange today. Did you two have a fight?”

“No, I just threw his phone. He suddenly mentioned that he has alexithymia and can’t feel jealousy.”

“He really has changed compared to before. But don’t take the script too seriously, these choices are only made in the game, they don’t matter in real life. Don’t be upset.”

Gu Yi’s heart remained in the bottomless pit, unable to climb out. She kept telling herself that Liang Daiwen must also have bad days, and his “discomfort” might just be something she needed to process. As she walked from the small theater to the yard, then back to the bathroom to wash her face and refresh herself, her complexion looked pale with dark circles under her eyes. Had she really become so haggard in just a few short hours? On the narrow path, she bumped into Xu Guanrui’s arms, and he caught her.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m probably just hungry.”

“You can’t fool me. Sorry, it looks like I overheard. What’s this about Liang Daiwen’s alexithymia?”

Since he’d already heard, there was no need to hide it. Gu Yi said indifferently that Liang Daiwen had alexithymia and rarely felt emotions like joy, anger, or sadness. She spoke in a calm tone, as if it were a fact, even though saying it out loud made it feel more real.

“How much can he feel love?”

“A little, I suppose,” Gu Yi’s confidence slowly weakened as she spoke.

Xu Guanrui stood there, thinking for a moment before suddenly smiling. The smile was somewhat puzzled, incredulous, and a little... sympathetic. Gu Yi said, he just expresses himself indifferently and doesn’t have strong feelings, so it wouldn’t be fair to deny him the opportunity for love.

He slowly spoke, “I don’t mean to discriminate against him. But if you’re looking for a response from someone who’s naturally indifferent, isn’t it a bit cruel to those who invest deeply in emotions?”

Gu Yi was disturbed by this sentence and became uneasy. During the day, she had been absent-minded in the office, where Jacqueline dismissed three of her proposals in one go. Back at her desk, Jacqueline summoned her to the office and insisted she finish the new proposals before the afternoon, or she wouldn’t be allowed to leave. Gu Yi opened Suying and TOPYS but couldn’t focus. She sent Liang Daiwen a message: “When will you be back? I need to ask you something.”

“Tonight. If it’s not urgent, we can talk another day, I have a lot on my plate lately.”

“I’ll ask a few things; I’ll come to your studio.”

It wasn’t the best time to meet right after work. Gu Yi stayed in the office for another two hours, finishing the proposals before leaving. She was anxious but there was a voice in her head telling her to wait, to let her anger and unease settle for a while, because pouring boiling water over the other person would only scald them.

Still, she rushed to meet him. The streetlights cast long shadows that stretched and shortened, and she deliberately avoided Xiangyang North Road, not wanting to see the ounce with its lights off. She weaved through a crowd of people buying alcohol and entered the studio. There was no sign of Zhang Qingya’s Porsche at the door. The studio was dark. Liang Daiwen hadn’t returned yet. She stood at the door, the humid air sticky and oppressive, as she picked up her phone. It had been a while since she last opened the file transfer assistant after ounce shut down.

An hour later, Liang Daiwen finally showed up. The studio was empty of furniture, there were no leather samples, and Zhang Qingya wasn’t sitting on the sofa. Liang Daiwen said faintly, “What’s so urgent that you had to come all the way here?”

“You’ve been acting strange lately. Why the sudden coldness? Did Xu Guanrui’s comment during the script reading offend you?”

“No.”

“Liang Daiwen, we’ve known each other for so long... let’s be honest.”

“Since my phone broke last time, I’ve been feeling uneasy. I thought about it for a long time but couldn’t figure out why. Rationality tells me that I can’t keep giving you the wrong impression.”

“What?”

Liang Daiwen didn’t say anything. Gu Yi didn’t understand—why had he suddenly become more difficult to communicate with than at the beginning? Stiff, awkward, completely unwilling to cooperate, keeping her at a distance. His eyes stayed fixed, as if he was sorting through his thoughts: “Lately, I’ve been feeling uncomfortable every day. I can give you very little. Maybe it’s because I can’t provide enough security and emotions for others, so... let’s just be friends from now on. Actually, most of the time, my reactions are the result of analysis—jealousy, anxiety, happiness—they feel like stored functions in my mind. What should I do at this moment is calculated mechanically, but what you receive are my reactions to love. It’s been exhausting like this... If we’re in a relationship, I can’t give you more.”

“Then why did you bet with Dr. Shen?” Gu Yi felt cold all over, but she knew that even if she cried now, Liang Daiwen wouldn’t react. Everything he did was based on analysis. She trembled, holding back tears: “You randomly chose someone to date, and if you really fall in love, Dr. Shen would lose a thousand to you, ‘randomly’—this time, it’s like I was picked as an experiment with my eyes closed.”

“No.”

“Why me?”

Liang Daiwen didn’t speak.

“Give me a reason, I want to know. Even if it was random, why me?”

“Because you’re a comedian and always joked about, I thought it shouldn’t be like that. At least one person should care about you, so your misfortunes aren’t so habitual.”

“Weren’t you supposed to choose me because you liked me?” She had thought about this more than once, and as soon as the words were spoken, they lost their meaning. Liang Daiwen spoke like that, and it was entirely possible that he still had some unspoken care. But Liang Daiwen only said, “Sorry, at that time and now, I couldn’t think of this.”

She raised her hand and slapped Liang Daiwen across the face.

“Liang Daiwen, let me tell you, it’s not that your ability couldn’t comprehend this; it’s that you are pushing me away. You didn’t choose me because I’m pitiful, unlucky, and need someone to help. At that time, I was doing fine, didn’t need anyone’s pity. My small troubles could be handled by gritting my teeth and enduring. It was you who reached into my life and turned it upside down, dragging me into your life. Is your emotional impairment a shield? When you need treatment, you wag your tail and act pitiful, but when you don’t need it, you say you can’t feel anything. I’m the one who’s really giving affection, really feeling the pain. I believe that flowers can bloom in ashes, that I’m the kind of person who will believe the sky wants to give me love even when it rains. You choosing me wasn’t a random event; I’m too special—I can’t accept that I wasn’t the special one.”

Gu Yi felt that there were many ways to be rejected. Not good enough, not liked enough, someone else in their heart, shifting affections... But there were two kinds of rejection she could not accept. One was being nitpicked, criticized down to the smallest details of life; the other was being randomly picked, as if she were an item in the market, chosen just because she happened to be close at hand. Love is selfish; in the end, it’s about loving yourself. The feeling of not being the one chosen was the hardest for her to bear, like being told she was no different from anyone else.