Chapter 33

A Difficult Affection

Compared to Yin Ze’s harshness and indifference, Fu Chenzi was as happy as a popcorn popping in hot water when he saw me. But not long after his happiness, he began to scold me harshly: “You left without saying goodbye, just to become a demon? Have you ever thought about my feelings?”

“You have such a long lifespan, why would you care about these short hundred years? If I became a demon, I could stay with you forever, wouldn’t that be better?” Seeing that his face was still cloudy, I couldn’t help but provoke him, “Could it be that my brother can’t live without me for a day?”

Fu Chenzi said sternly, “Nonsense. How could your elder brother be so useless?”

So that’s it, “elder brother” again. I smiled and didn’t expose him, but was secretly happy in my heart. Although the matter of becoming a demon was just a misunderstanding, after thinking about it for a day, I finally made a decision: to pray to the gods and ancestors every morning and evening, to love and respect my master, but to be disciplined and not disturb my master for no reason, and not to contradict my master. More importantly, I would immerse myself in cultivation and strive to improve. Sure enough, after a period of tempering, without any worries on my mind, I felt much better.

Since I had less contact with my master, I spent more time with Fu Chenzi. Because I liked to walk and look at flowers and strange animals, he would often take me around Tian Shi City when he had free time. Although he was older than me, it was indeed much easier to get along with him than with Yin Ze. After that, Qingwu Divine Maiden also visited from time to time. She was originally naturally beautiful and graceful, and she didn’t look inferior to Yin Ze at all. As time passed, she gradually became the tacitly understood mistress in the hearts of all the disciples. Unconsciously, I found that Yin Ze spent more time in the divine realm than in the immortal realm. Everything seemed to have returned to the time when I was ignored by my master. But this time it was voluntary, so I had no complaints. Occasionally, when I saw this pair of divine lovers, I would feel a nameless bitterness in my heart. This feeling reached its peak one afternoon.

In the blink of an eye, winter turned to spring, and flowers were blooming everywhere. While exercising in Bai Di Mountain in the morning, I saw Yin Ze and Qingwu Divine Maiden passing by. They walked slowly from the clouds, and Qingwu picked a few peach blossoms, sniffed them lightly, and then asked Yin Ze to pin the flowers in her hair. Yin Ze didn’t seem to like doing this kind of thing, but he agreed to her request. They stood under the peach blossom tree, and she lowered her head under his wide sleeves, smiling shyly. I originally planned to sneak away, but accidentally met their gaze through the flowers. When Qingwu saw me, she steadied the peach blossom on her temples and waved to me, “Yin Ze, look, your disciple is over there. Let’s pin a flower for her too.”

Yin Ze said, “She’s still young and should be focusing on her cultivation. Don’t let her mess around with these flowers.”

What shocked me was not Yin Ze’s usual stern answer, but Qingwu’s words. Did I hear wrong? We rarely even mentioned Master’s full name in our daily lives. Usually, she would respectfully address Master as “Divine Lord Yin Ze,” but she actually called him “Yin Ze.” This small change in address was not a big deal. But the casual and intimate tone in her words was like a heavy stone pressing on my chest. She ignored his refusal and dragged me over, really picking flowers and pinning them in my hair. “It’s a good thing you’re not my master, otherwise, I would be really unlucky. Look at her, such a cute girl, if she wore a head full of flowers, she would definitely look like a flower fairy.”

She took apart my hair and tied a thick braid at the back of my head, then she inserted the peach blossoms one by one, turning me into a flower fairy. In Yin Ze’s eyes, this was undoubtedly a waste of time. Because from the beginning to the end of Qingwu decorating me, he only glanced at me a few times. Qingwu Divine Maiden, however, was having a lot of fun, saying that my hair was beautiful and that little girls should be like this to be more attractive. Facing such a big sister-like Qingwu Divine Maiden, I couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed, but the dull bitterness in my heart was undeniable. When I secretly looked up at Master, I saw that the flowers were blooming luxuriantly, and the cranes were flying in pairs. The clouds and mist stretched from Bai Di Mountain to the horizon. He was tall and slender, with fair skin, and the water pattern marks of the Cangying God were clearly defined on his snowy skin, reminding everyone that he symbolized divine authority and was not someone that anyone could approach.

Realizing that he was also looking at me, my heart was in turmoil, and I immediately lowered my gaze and looked at the grass covered in petals. I don’t know when, but even looking at him for a moment made me feel guilty. I didn’t want to delve deeper into this feeling, but I knew clearly in my heart: I liked Master very much, I was very attached to him, and I didn’t want to leave him. And the only way to stay by his side for a long time was to give up. Similarly, I didn’t know what exactly I was giving up. I only knew that the process of giving up was very painful.

Later, Qingwu Divine Maiden flew to another mountain to pick flowers, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Just as I was about to turn around and leave, I saw that Yin Ze was still there. How could a disciple leave when the master didn’t leave? I stood up and waited for Master to leave. However, he just looked at the thousands of miles of clouds and said calmly, “Tell me, what’s wrong?”

I said, “What’s wrong?”

“You’ve been avoiding me lately, why is that?”

How could I be avoiding Master? It’s just that there are many things I don’t like. I don’t like it when you always blame me without explaining, I don’t like it when others misunderstand our relationship and cause a lot of trouble, I don’t like you being so close to Qingwu Divine Maiden, I don’t like it when Qingwu Divine Maiden calls you “Yin Ze”, I don’t like it when you always leave without saying goodbye, I don’t like it when you always stay in the divine realm... There are so many things I’m dissatisfied with, if I could put them all in a purple gold red gourd like a demon, I would probably be able to create a second Demon Valley. It’s just that none of these reasons can be said. I smiled, “Disciple is not avoiding Master, I just want to be a good disciple and cause less trouble for Master.”

“Wei’er, if you have something on your mind, or if you have any requests for me, just be honest. I won’t blame you.”

I was so nervous I couldn’t even lie properly, ‘Disciple has no worries.’ That’s the most frightening thing about Master. No matter what I’m thinking, he seems to know everything. And it’s true, I’ve been his disciple for over ten years, so it wouldn’t take him much time to see through a little brat like me.”

“Indeed,” he mused, “Sometimes, things you think are impossible aren’t as difficult as you imagine. I’ve told you before that nothing can be too difficult for your master.”

His words left me completely confused. I looked at him blankly. At that moment, a swirl of peach blossoms fell, interrupting our thoughts. He waited for the wind to pass before continuing, “But there are also some things that you find hard to bear, but are even harder for others. After all, when people die, they have no more worries, but living is the real pain. If you don’t even give me a hint, I don’t know where to start.”

Pondering each of his words carefully, I vaguely understood something. It seemed to be related to what I wanted to give up. After a long blank in my thoughts, I finally said, “Master speaks so profoundly, your disciple doesn’t understand. I’ll go back and think about it carefully. Your disciple will take her leave.”

In fact, it was just a few ordinary conversations, but after returning, I inexplicably burst into tears under the covers, crying until my eyes were swollen. Afraid of being discovered, I used ice to reduce the swelling. After that, he never mentioned anything similar to me. I originally thought that I had finally managed to maintain this delicate relationship, and we would maintain this relationship for the rest of our lives, but unexpectedly, a major incident occurred that derailed everything.

That incident was a disaster in the East Sea. The Dragon King sent a message saying that a large number of water demons had been rampaging in the East Sea recently, indiscriminately hunting creatures, including the shrimp soldiers and crab generals who patrolled the Dragon Palace. These water demons were different from ordinary water demons, they had no scales, but they had the same green hair and fair skin, and could control water. The Dragon King captured a group of them and thought that it might be related to Cangying Gate, so he informed Divine Lord Yin Ze first. When I heard this description, Fu Chenzi and I were both stunned, and everyone present couldn’t help but look at me. So, I volunteered to go down and meet the people from the Dragon Palace with my fellow disciples.

On that day, the rain had just stopped, and the sea breeze was howling. I saw several water demons sent by the Dragon King from a high altitude. Among them was a young man about my age, with slightly darker skin than others, thick eyebrows and big eyes, who was extremely unhappy and wanted to break free from the water grass binding the demon. I rushed down and exclaimed in surprise, “It’s... it’s Han Mo?”

The boy looked up at me in confusion, and soon his face was full of surprise, “...Luo Wei? How is that possible, aren’t you dead?” He looked at Fu Chenzi again, stiffened, and suddenly became furious, “And you! Fu Chenzi, you bastard! Luo Wei, why are you still with him? Su Zhao became like this because of him!”

“What happened to Su Zhao? Where is Su Zhao now? Where’s my second sister? Is that scumbag Kai Xuanjun still in Su Zhao? Wait, why are you here? How did you all come out?”

Obviously, there were too many questions for both of us, and it confused the people from the Dragon Palace and the Cangying Gate disciples. Later, Fu Chenzi explained that these people were not water demons, and asked them to release them first, so Han Mo and the others were finally freed. After not hearing news from Su Zhao for more than ten years, I was naturally overjoyed to see an old friend again. However, after Han Mo was released, the first thing he did was to attack Fu Chenzi. Fu Chenzi easily knocked him down, but he was not afraid and challenged him several times. In the end, Han Mo, who was impulsive, was a little tired and finally agreed to stop fighting and sat down on the shore to have a long talk with us.

It turned out that the location of Su Zhao had been changed from the far north to the far west, located in a mountainous area, with no one around. The environment was much worse than before. But what was even worse was that not long after I left Su Zhao, my second sister thought that I couldn’t bear the shame and jumped off a cliff. In a state of extreme vulnerability, she married Kai Xuanjun and became depressed after marriage. Within a year, the ruling power of Su Zhao fell into the hands of Kai Xuanjun. Kai Xuanjun was originally a poet-like immortal, very good at romance, but he didn’t know anything about governing a country. He indulged in pleasure day and night, and the whole of Su Zhao was messed up by him. Whenever a minister reported that the treasury was empty and the people were suffering, he would shift the blame to the relocation of Su Zhao. For more than ten years, the only thing this scumbag had learned was to speak more and more beautifully, but none of his promises were fulfilled. In the past two years, there have been frequent droughts in Su Zhao, and the crops have not grown. However, as soon as someone suggested establishing diplomatic relations with other tribes, Kai Xuanjun would cruelly prohibit it, threatening to implicate nine generations of the family of anyone who violated the order. As a result, the people of Su Zhao had no choice but to go out to find food, but it was just a drop in the ocean.

As I listened to Han Mo, I became angrier and angrier. I broke the seashell in my hand in two, “Kai Xuanjun, that bastard!”

“I never thought that the culprit was this guy. It’s hateful! It’s despicable!” Speaking of this, Han Mo looked at Fu Chenzi apologetically, “Chenzi, I’ve misunderstood you all these years, it’s my fault.”

Fu Chenzi said, “It’s okay. The most urgent thing now is for us to go back to Su Zhao. Han Mo, let’s go back and report to Master first.”

However, after telling Yin Ze about this, he only said, “Chenzi cannot go.”

Fu Chenzi and I said in unison, “Why?”

“First, although this kid named Han Mo believes you, will the other people of Su Zhao believe him? You don’t have any evidence of Kai Xuanjun framing you. At such a sensitive time, a little bit of incitement will cause public outrage. Perhaps Kai Xuanjun will play the same trick again, and then Wei’er and your second sister’s reunion will be delayed.” Speaking of this, Yin Ze glanced at Fu Chenzi, “Second, Chenzi, you know your own situation. Can you leave Tian Shi City for a long time?”

Fu Chenzi was silent. For the second reason Yin Ze mentioned, I had a lot of questions in my heart, but usually, my brother would not hide secrets from me. If he didn’t say anything, there must be some unspeakable reason. So, I didn’t ask any more questions, but simply said, “It doesn’t matter. This is our mess in Su Zhao. I’ll go by myself.”

“Weiwei, I truly want to go with you, but...” Fu Chenzhi lowered his head and sighed softly, “If I go, it might just make things worse.”

“Believe me, I’ll find a way,” I patted his arm. “Brother, I’m not a child anymore.”

Things happened so suddenly. I quickly packed my belongings and bid farewell to everyone at dusk. Yinze, who always maintained a strict hierarchy, even saw me off at Cangying Mansion, all the way to the驿站. I suppose he had the same thought as me: this parting, who knows how many years it would be before we could meet again. Yinze said, “Wei’er, once you reach the East Sea, let the others go first. Someone will come to pick you up.”

“Okay.”

“Go.”

Fu Chenzhi and I boarded the back of the giant bird together. I turned around, looked at my Master standing on the edge of the crimson cloud sea, and waved to him. “Master, your disciple is leaving.”

“Mm.” He nodded.

“Your disciple promises you, once I’ve dealt with the matter of Su Zhao, I will return immediately!”

“Mm. Come back soon.”

Watching the giant bird spread its wings and soar higher and higher, his figure grew smaller and smaller. I shouted, “Master, you must take good care of yourself. Your disciple is really leaving!”

Whether he replied later, or what he said, I never heard. Because Fu Chenzhi was beside me, the tears that had welled up in my eyes never fell. I only knew that the giant bird was merciless, and the crimson sunset extended to beyond the clouds. Soon, I could no longer see Master’s figure.

Fu Chenzhi sent me directly to the East Sea. I don’t know why, but my separation from him wasn’t as sad as it was with Master. Because I knew that my brother would always be by my side. If possible, he would definitely do everything he could to find me. I could see him anytime, anywhere. He, however, felt quite melancholy and asked me to be sure to write to him. After waiting for a long time, due to matters in the Immortal Realm, he reluctantly left ahead of time. After Han Mo and the others boarded the Wenyao, I saw a long shadow soaring from the sea fog.

“Lord Qinglong?!” I exclaimed.

Qinglong stopped in front of me and simply nodded, gesturing for me to get on his back. I hesitated for a moment, then jumped up, instantly feeling incredibly small. “I never thought you would be a friend of Master’s...”

Qinglong ignored me. I said, “Well, you’re Qinglong, and he lives in the Qinglong Heaven, so of course you would know each other. The world is so small.”

He still ignored me. So, I wisely didn’t speak anymore. Qinglong rode the wind and flew three thousand miles in one go. Several times I felt like I was about to be thrown off, so I held onto his fur tightly. He flew faster and faster, and gradually, all that was left around me was the vast sea and the bright moon. Looking at the high night sky, Master’s face appeared in my mind over and over again. All along, I always said that Master was afraid of loneliness, afraid of parting, so I always emphasized that I wanted to be with him all the time, wanting to give him a sense of security and make him less lonely. In fact, the one who really felt insecure was me. I was afraid that after my short three hundred-year lifespan ended, the trace I left in his life would not even be as good as those short-lived women. Unknowingly, that feeling of longing also quietly overflowed.

“Lord Qinglong... I’m really so unwilling,” I leaned on Qinglong’s back and sobbed softly, “Why can I only live for three hundred years? I really like Master so much, I just want to be with him forever, why... why is it so difficult...”

Qinglong naturally did not reply.

I said, “But I think it’s right for me to leave. I’m no longer qualified to stay by Master’s side. My liking for him has become very abnormal. I don’t like Qingwu Shennv always following him, I just want to monopolize him, and once he doesn’t look at me, I’ll be very angry. Late at night, as long as I think of him being with others, I can’t sleep and my heart aches. Now, even if he’s not by my side, my heart still hurts...”

Qinglong slowed down his flight, but still remained silent. I wiped my tears on his fur and said softly, “I don’t want anything, I just want to be with Master forever, I just want to be his disciple forever... I really don’t want anything...”

“Are you sure you don’t want anything?”

“Huh?” I looked up suddenly.

Qinglong was actually speaking. But... why does this voice sound like Master’s?

“Are you really just trying to be a disciple who doesn’t want anything?”

“Yes, yes, of course...”

“I can become your Master, you look at his appearance clearly, and then think about it, what do you really want?”

Then, Qinglong stopped beside a mountain range, put me down, and turned into smoke. Gradually, a figure emerged from the smoke. Seeing Yinze’s appearance, I was so startled that I covered my mouth. “How is it possible to be so similar?”

“What do you think now?”

Seeing those eyes, my heart felt like it was being pulled by a small saw, and it hurt so much that I had to use my hand to press against my chest. I said, “It’s still very sad.”

“Still don’t want anything?”

“I... I don’t know what you’re talking about...”

He stood so close, I was so nervous that I couldn’t breathe, and subconsciously stepped back to avoid him. Unexpectedly, he grabbed my wrist with one hand and pulled me back, while his other hand wrapped around my lower back, then lowered his head and kissed my lips hard. Hearing myself let out a startled cry like a frightened little animal, I immediately struggled to get away, but he tightened his grip on me. Then, he loosened his lips slightly, pressed against my lips, and said softly, “This, don’t you want it.”

In my mind, there was only a blank space. His deep gaze let me know that this was not Master. Master would never look at me like this. Despite this, because the two people were too similar, my whole body, including my heart, was trembling slightly. Seeing that I had no reaction, he lowered his head and quickly kissed me twice, then while rubbing my lips, he slid his tongue in. The moment our tongues touched, I felt my heart beating wildly, and with a muffled groan, I turned my head away and said, “No, no, this really won’t work...”

“Wei’er, turn around.”

Although it was still an commanding tone, it made people feel inexplicably entangled, and I felt like an electric current had passed through me from head to toe. I turned my head back uncontrollably. He lifted my chin and kissed me again. This time, it didn’t get any better. He only symbolically entangled with me gently for a moment, then kissed me wildly and roughly. I really knew that this was something the high and mighty Yinze Shenzun would absolutely not do. However, it was as if I had been poisoned by poppy flowers, and I had the illusion of being burned by his passion. My heart ached so much that I was about to suffocate, but it was as if my whole body was filled with the sweetest honey...

In the end, I sat down on the ground dejectedly, hanging my head and wiping away tears. After discovering the truth, I didn’t feel much better than before, instead, I felt even more hopeless.

“It really won’t work. He’s my master… I see him as a father. I really can’t do something so morally wrong…”

“What if he has feelings for you that go beyond that of a master and disciple? Would you still think that way?”

I shook my head vigorously. “He wouldn’t. He doesn’t like me…”

“How can you know that if you haven’t asked him?”

“I don’t want to ask him. I just want to be his disciple.”

“Your reaction doesn’t seem like you just want to be a disciple.” He was silent for a long time, as if he was testing me. “If he wanted to marry you, would you agree?”