Chapter 76

May I remain a vibrant stroke in the canvas of your memories

Hu Xiu looked at Diao Zhiyu. In her memory, he had never worn such an expression. This kind of look had only appeared on Qin Xiaoyi’s face, when he was unable to attain Lin Qiumei’s love. It was the same expression he wore after being slapped by Lin Qiumei and then raising his gun to kill her—the expression of desperation and sorrow. Love was supposed to be sweet, but now Diao Zhiyu was suffering because of her.

“Is this really what you think?”

Diao Zhiyu’s eyes remained unwavering. “I’m serious...”

“Do... do you still like me?”

He didn’t speak, only turned his face away. Standing there, Hu Xiu thought that this was fine. It was better than continuing to feel anxious about this relationship.

With that thought, Hu Xiu took a step back. “Then let’s leave it at that. Diao Zhiyu, goodbye. Thank you for everything you’ve given me. In the future, whether as an actor, a star, an artist, or a director, just be yourself.”

In this relationship, you gave me far more than I gave you. So the only thing I can do is to let you become someone who lights up others.

I didn’t play with your youth using clever calculations. I didn’t selfishly keep you by my side.

So, the only thing I greedily want is for you to remember me. If I can leave an unforgettable mark in your life, then I, Hu Xiu, won’t have loved Diao Zhiyu in vain.

The boy behind her didn’t catch up. She didn’t feel as heartbroken as she had imagined, nor was she torn apart.

Maybe it was because the rain was so heavy. She remembered her adolescent years when she first encountered growing pains. She had once run out into the rain, drenched and covered in mud, when she didn’t know how to express her secret crush on a boy she liked. That boy had run out after her and slapped her on the shoulder, and they had chased and played in the rain together. The feeling was similar to what she felt now.

The ache in her joints, the vision blurred by the rain, and the boy in front of her, who seemed like an illusion and yet brought an endless joy she couldn’t quite claim as her own, was one of the most unforgettable memories of her youth.

She ran back to her house and closed the door. Diao Zhiyu’s grey slippers came into view, and the V-neck T-shirt and shorts hanging on the balcony, along with the black and white toothbrushes standing upright in the bed, finally reminded her, painfully, that she had lost him.

And this was just the first step she needed to face—time had just passed midnight. What a coincidence—why did today have to be April Fool’s Day?

Hu Xiu arrived at the hospital early the next morning. She had no makeup on and appeared pale as she sat at her desk, immediately receiving an email from the head nurse and the external affairs department.

Her senior passed by Hu Xiu’s office and was startled by her appearance. “Xiao Hu, what’s wrong? Are you sick?”

“No, just no makeup.”

“Don’t look so haggard. If anything’s bothering you, talk to Xiao Pei. Ever since he came back, the head nurse has been sending him on so many blind dates, he’s probably gasping for air. He likes you, so you can still be friends. If you end up together, that’d be a bonus.”

“Blind dates?” Hu Xiu looked at the form in front of her. Pei Zhen was on duty tonight, and she had some things to ask him.

“Yes, indeed...” Her senior lowered her voice. “I heard he went on a blind date with a doctor from Zhongshan Hospital a few days ago. I ran into her while I was taking my daughter for a checkup. The female doctor’s height didn’t even reach Xiao Pei’s chest, and she had layers of dental work.”

“I really don’t get it. You two are such a good match. It’s a pity you didn’t end up together.”

“Of course, you’ve got your own young boyfriend, right? I’m just speaking plainly. But let me tell you from experience, stability is very important. Once you’re over thirty, trying to find a man like Xiao Pei will be too late. The timing is now.”

Hu Xiu smiled and didn’t find her senior’s words harsh. A year ago, she would have completely believed in the meaning of these words, yearning for the stability that someone like Dr. Pei could offer.

But after this year, with her ambition having fermented, she was no longer satisfied with the stability of marriage.

Moreover, the broken engagement she had gone through made her realize that using marriage to reach the end was a self-deceptive fantasy.

Of course, she didn’t bring up the matter of breaking up with Diao Zhiyu. With work approaching, Hu Xiu lifted her head. “Senior, I have a question. Do you know if the hospital is hiring this year?”

“Of course, I know. No one’s retiring this year, and not only that, there are no new positions.

“Chen Yang and you probably won’t have any chance this year, which is a pity. Several overseas returnees couldn’t even get in after submitting their resumes. Our hospital’s positions are very valuable. Last year, you were lucky to meet me when we needed someone urgently, or you wouldn’t have gotten in so easily.”

Her senior winked at her and left, saying a quick hello to Pei Zhen at the door. He leaned against the door and waited a moment before entering, asking for the schedule while bringing a caramel macchiato.

The feeling was quite surreal. The first time they met, he had also brought a caramel macchiato to exchange for the schedule. The same thing happened again, as if fate was playing a joke on her at just the right moment.

“Senior just told me you went on a blind date. She saw you there.”

“Gossip...” Pei Zhen put the coffee on the desk. “It was a doctor from the oncology department. We had a meal together last time after a consultation for a nasal cancer case. A blind date? How come you look so bad today?”

“No makeup, no breakfast.”

“Did you sleep in?”

Hu Xiu smiled at him, lying smoothly. “The neighbors were renovating, and the noise kept me up.”

Pei Zhen gave her a knowing smile but didn’t press the issue. He simply took the schedule and left.

Hu Xiu suddenly called after him. “Dr. Pei, could you ask Shen Zhiming to meet with me sometime? I have a few things I’d like to ask him.”

This surprised Pei Zhen.

Zhao Xiaorou’s apartment in Shenzhen was up for lease, and she had originally planned to rent it out to the next student parent. However, on a whim, she decided to fly to Shenzhen with her crutches.

At JW in Qianhai, looking out the window, half of the view was a construction site pit yet to be developed, and the other half was made up of strange, towering buildings. She sat in the executive lounge, basking in the sunlight, and for a moment, the busy notifications in her phone were forgotten.

There were young couples carrying sleeping babies upstairs, entrepreneurs quietly discussing their businesses, and influencers busy with photoshoots, just like her back in Shanghai. But for now, all she wanted was to sit still and enjoy the peace.

A young man approached her, a standard overseas returnee with a sun-kissed complexion, as though he had just come from the gym, waiting for happy hour. “Are you alone? Mind if I talk to you?”

Normally, Zhao Xiaorou would have provocatively invited him to sit, but today, she simply smiled and waved him off. “Sorry, I’m waiting for someone.”

The man sat at a distance, occasionally glancing at her. After finishing her latte, she returned to her room, climbed into the bathtub, and looked out at the workers on the construction site.

From the 27th floor, the people looked as small as miniatures, and the yellow-green land below looked like a scene from Command & Conquer. She sat there, dazed, for the entire afternoon.

The bathtub was empty, the air conditioning set high, and the afternoon sun faded into the evening. In Shanghai, she minded being exposed to the sun for too long, especially after the light treatment she had done.

This wasn’t her first time in Shenzhen. Years ago, when she came to see a concert, she would often run into migrant workers at the border.

She remembered the workers in their helmets, not particularly tidy, and how the summer wind dampened them. They stood side by side with her on the way to Hong Kong, the smell like moldy biscuits. Tiredness was obvious, but there was something in their eyes that burned like fire.

Shanghai was refined and beautiful. People used all kinds of methods to maintain their dignity, which included not working too hard and doing things gracefully. But Shenzhen was different. After 10 PM, those who had missed the 6 PM bus were sprinting to catch up with their overtime. They squeezed into the subway with the weary migrant workers, their survival instinct raw and direct, no one bothering to disguise it.

Even the influencers in Shenzhen were the same. They worked in factories making fake goods, got plastic surgery to achieve the latest trends, and made money without a care for their appearance or background.

Clear goals and unwavering determination lead to faster success than being entangled in emotional issues.

Zhao Xiaorou leaned against the window. As night fell, the distant lights were absent, with only harsh white lights and workers continuing their tasks.

She thought, if she changed her environment and became a soulless money-making machine, or simply moved to another city to escape the routine of her life, that wouldn’t be so bad either.

On the day she picked up her house, she looked at the wall stickers; it seemed that today’s middle and high school students all liked idol trainees.

She took a few photos and sent them to Li Ai: “Can you help me design the house?”

Because of her visit to the hospital, they had re-added each other on WeChat, but neither had initiated a conversation.

The crutch she was using still belonged to Li Ai. Zhao Xiaorou rarely spoke, and Li Ai replied: “If you’re not planning to rent it out, then there’s no real need for renovation.”

“I want to live here myself, change the environment. I’ve been in Shanghai for so long, maybe it’s not the best place for me. Moving to another city might offer more opportunities and inspiration.”

There was a long silence from Li Ai: “Are you serious?”

“I’m considering it.”

In the past, Zhao Xiaorou would send messages that never ended in just a few words; but now, after just a few words, her phone was set aside as she surveyed the house.

The two-bedroom apartment was furnished in the most basic way. The wallpaper was torn, the table had scratches, and the corners of the sofa had been scratched by cats. If she really renovated it, it would probably be a major project. Li Ai called her: “When are you coming back?”

“Tomorrow evening...”

“Come to REGARD, we need to talk in detail.” After a while, Li Ai added two more words: “Renovation...”

After a three-hour flight to Shanghai, Zhao Xiaorou went straight to the store. Li Ai’s coffee shop was empty, with only him inside.

He pulled up the roll-up door and went back to the coffee machine to carefully brew coffee. The new pour-over beans had citrus and berry flavors, and he calmly chatted with Zhao Xiaorou about renovations. They exchanged polite words back and forth.

The once lively Zhao Xiaorou seemed to have lost her spirit. Li Ai said, “If you really want to renovate the house, you should think it through. Renting it out doesn’t really require much renovation.”

“Besides, the process would take about a year. If you’re really changing cities, renting is probably a better option.”

Zhao Xiaorou smiled and said, “I know, but if I have a friend renovate the house, it might not feel so lonely to live here.”

“You don’t have to leave. Don’t you have a lot of friends in Shanghai?”

“I’m just thinking. I travel so much now; it doesn’t matter where I live.”

“At least in Shanghai, you can see your friends more often.”

“Friends you don’t contact often are the same no matter where they are,” Zhao Xiaorou smiled. “You and I used to meet almost every day, talking endlessly with Hu Xiu about everything under the sun. After two months of no contact, it’s no different from being in Shenzhen.”

Li Ai didn’t say anything, but after a long pause, he spoke up, “You’re not in a good mood lately.”

“A bit tired...” Zhao Xiaorou didn’t want to mention herself. “How about you and your girlfriend?”

“I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“The one from the basketball court.”

“That’s the wife of the clothing store owner next door. She just helped me buy a bottle of water. Do you think I’m that sentimental?”

“I just genuinely wish you well.”

Li Ai remained silent, only placing the coffee in front of her. Zhao Xiaorou’s words were sincere, without any ulterior motives. She quietly said, “I think I finally understand what ‘haste makes waste’ feels like. Although Ma Liang is a bad person, he made me start remembering the past.

When I first came to Shanghai for my first job, I went with a model to shoot for a magazine. During the shoot, when the model needed to change, she just took off her clothes and changed in front of the photographer and assistants, and no one paid attention. It was as if she was just an object.

Back then, I felt pity for her. Now I realize, maybe I’ve also seriously turned myself into an object, thinking it was something to be proud of when others appreciate and judge me—how shallow.”

Li Ai still didn’t speak, just observing Zhao Xiaorou’s expression. She smiled faintly, “I once arrogantly thought, you were at a low point, so come into my well and you’ll only see my sky. Later, I realized that when I tried to return to the well, there were no companions left. The sky I could see was just a small part, and that doesn’t mean you can’t jump out.”

She didn’t seem to expect Li Ai to respond, just smiling as she raised her glass, as if toasting.

Li Ai understood, smiling and clinking his cup with hers, “If you have a preferred renovation style, come find me again. Talking about it now is too early.”

Inviting Shen Zhiming had no other motive; she simply wanted to discuss the topic he was working on—mental relief.

The three of them sat in a small tavern, chatting freely. At first, Hu Xiu was a bit embarrassed to have invited Pei Zhen and Shen Zhiming at 10 PM, but Shen Zhiming suddenly spoke up: “Don’t feel sorry, I didn’t sleep until 4 AM.”

Pei Zhen smiled and exchanged glances with Hu Xiu, who understood. People involved in medicine are all night owls.

“Mental relief is a public healthcare focus abroad, where psychologists assist patients in treatment, and social workers intervene in cases of child abuse or lack of guardianship. In China, however, this topic hasn’t reached the public domain.”

Shen Zhiming spoke passionately, showing no signs of tiredness. “It’s actually a very common issue in China—sick families being ostracized, marginalized, excessive pressure on young people in the workplace, postpartum depression that’s raised but not taken seriously, left-behind children, elderly people living alone...”

“What may seem like a trivial social phenomenon on Weibo actually hides many mental health risks.”

He had originally hoped to secure a position at a mental health center to work more directly with patients, but so far he had not been successful.

He took out a cigarette, smiling, “I guess coming back from abroad without the same training system as my peers made it harder to understand the medical system here, which is understandable.”

“I have a question. If a patient needs help in this area, would having specialized mental services in hospitals or volunteers in the community make their treatment and lives smoother?”

“In China, only the first-tier cities have consciously developed such services. Occasionally, you’ll see that the blind pathways on the streets are crooked, and there are few buses with ramps that allow wheelchairs to board smoothly. Ordinary people, when they see someone with mental health issues, tend to avoid them...

This is a very long-term process that requires guidance, and promoting it isn’t easy, because people are always reluctant to face negative information.”

Pei Zhen only sat nearby, watching her. Hu Xiu and Shen Zhiming were passionately discussing, switching between Chinese and English, completely oblivious to the small size of the izakaya.

After talking until two or three in the morning, Pei Zhen checked his watch: “It’s been five hours, Hu Xiu. You still have work tomorrow. Aren’t you going to take a rest?”

“It’s fine, I’ve been sleeping less recently.”

After a few words, Pei Zhen suddenly understood. Shen Zhiming, on the other hand, didn’t get it: “Pei Zhen, you invited her to talk, and I thought you were introducing her to me as a girlfriend. I was a little annoyed, but it turned out to be all about work?”

“Wronged...” Pei Zhen raised his hands. “She never told me what she wanted to talk to you about. You guessed it yourself.”

Hu Xiu’s questioning didn’t stop: “Actually, I asked Dr. Shen to understand what his work really involves.

Maybe my thoughts are a bit idealistic, but after hearing it, I feel like you have a much nobler attitude toward medicine than I do.

I work as a translator in a hospital, but I don’t understand much of the medical knowledge. I occupy an administrative position, waiting for a permanent position, and always feel like it lacks meaning.

But if you were in this position, it would be different. Administration and foreign affairs have many opportunities to connect with overseas hospitals, and in the vice president’s office, you’d be the first to know what’s happening at the hospital. A while ago, when the national healthcare integration happened, all I could do was fill out forms.

If it were you, maybe you could push forward some issues related to marginalized patients, even if just for publicity.

I believe professional tasks should be done by professionals, so you might be more suitable for this position than I am.”

“You mean...”

“I was planning to resign. Working as a conference translator doesn’t really require a position, and you’re more suited for this job than I am.

I have no other intentions; I absolutely respect medicine. I just think Dr. Shen should come to the hospital, and if possible, become a doctor.”

“What are you talking about? It’s so naive. Administrative positions and doctors are completely different things.”

Shen Zhiming laughed and looked at Pei Zhen in confusion: “How could there be a girl like this?”

“She’s always been like this.” Pei Zhen smiled gently at her.

Shen Zhiming, who had been boasting about only sleeping at 4 AM, went out to buy cigarettes to sustain the conversation. Only Pei Zhen and Hu Xiu remained at the table.

The people at the neighboring table were still talking, discussing the costs of escape rooms and script killings. Hu Xiu listened to a couple of sentences and laughed.

Smart as Pei Zhen was, he observed everything subtly and didn’t directly say it: “You’re staying up late, but you’re clearly more suited to be a doctor than Shen Zhiming.”

“Too bad, you chose the wrong major. Is it really that difficult to switch from an administrative position to being a doctor?”

“Worlds apart. Do you think it’s like switching vegetables around? But if it were Shen Zhiming, it might actually be possible—he just needs to get into the hospital.”

“Then there’s still hope.”

“Are you really going to resign?”

“Yes. It’s hard to keep up, and sticking to a field I’m not good at is painful. If the hospital needs me to translate, I’ll gladly do it, but for the rest of the work, it’s better to let someone more passionate about healthcare take over.”

“Li Ai once said something that I’m beginning to understand more and more. He said you’re the ideal that came down from the sky in this city. At first, I thought you were just a passionate girl because of Diao Zhiyu’s glow, but it turns out you are the light itself. In that case, he is the one benefiting from your glow.”

Hu Xiu’s heart stirred slightly: “Maybe it’s mutual achievement.”

“You broke up with him, right?”

“Yeah...”

“When you mentioned him, your face looked really bad.” Pei Zhen clinked his glass. “But still, impressive. Your senior didn’t notice, you hid it well.”

Hu Xiu thought to herself, still unable to escape your gaze.

“I can’t do anything for you, I can’t hug you or hold your hand. In this situation, those actions would be meaningless.

But if you’re lonely, I’ll be by your side, as a friend.”

“Thank you...”

“Can I ask one more thing, why did you break up? You two looked so sweet together, it made me think you’d be together forever. After all, he’s the man who made me feel inferior.”

“Don’t say that...”

“Nothing hurts a man’s pride more than rejection,” Pei Zhen said with a smile.

“Maybe both of us had other things we wanted to do.” Hu Xiu’s eyes sparkled, wiping her eyes with a finger. “Adult relationships are really boring.”

Pei Zhen smiled and ended the conversation before Shen Zhiming returned: “Who’s to say it’s not?”