Chapter 64

I was once abandoned at the foot of the city wall, but now I’m claimed as a lost item by you.

Her heart ached dully, the same familiar recipe, the same familiar flavor. She wasn’t surprised. She’d become immune to this kind of pain over the years, but now that it came out of nowhere, it still managed to hurt. 

Her mother had always spoken this way—distant, neither too close nor too attentive. 

Hu Xiu had long been puzzled why her father claimed to love her but acted in ways that didn’t seem like love, while her mother was gentle in her actions but never spoke of love. It was as if giving too much fatherly or motherly love would make her insatiable. 

As a result, her ability to perceive love had always been lacking. 

Her mother wore a thin black sweater and seemed to have gained a little weight. After two years without seeing each other, even motherly love felt unfamiliar. She spoke mostly of childhood anecdotes, but after a few sentences, she fell silent again. 

When their chopsticks accidentally clinked together, both of them withdrew their hands quickly, awkwardly. Hu Xiu calculated that she would stay for two nights at most before leaving. She had already opened her phone to book a return ticket. 

The heating was strong, and halfway through dinner, her mother suddenly rummaged through a cabinet and pulled out a cartoon-themed set of loungewear, placing it on a chair as an official gesture of welcome. 

After taking a shower, she sat on the sofa. With nothing to talk about, her mother turned on the TV and retreated to her room to make phone calls behind closed doors. 

Hu Xiu wasn’t interested in the Spring Festival Gala previews and quietly observed the house. 

The decor and furniture were old. The 90-square-meter apartment had north and south bedrooms. A “Blooming Wealth” poster, a standard in northeastern homes, hung on the wall. 

It seemed like her mother had bought a second-hand apartment directly, leaving behind the old furniture as her new decorations. 

Her mother used to love flowers and bright colors. During the New Year, she would travel to the Jiangning flower market to buy fresh blooms. But now, it seemed she no longer indulged in such things. The house was simple and clean, with just a half-finished paint-by-numbers project—its paint caps left open—and a heated fish tank with a few butterfly tail goldfish. 

Beside the tank was a storage box containing cotton swabs, tissues, and… paroxetine. 

Perhaps that night when she was forced to discard her belongings had taught her mother caution. She wouldn’t let herself be humiliated like that again. Her belongings were simple now, and at worst, she would look like a traveler fallen on hard times. Hiding this far away meant she wouldn’t be completely destroyed by her father’s retaliation. 

Leaning back on the sofa, she dozed off. Her phone vibrated a few times. Zhao Xiaorou had sent New Year greetings in the group chat. Xi’an was bustling with activity, and she was at the Giant Wild Goose Pagoda, watching lanterns and loudly wishing everyone a happy new year amidst the noise of gongs and drums. 

Li Ai had also returned home, sharing a photo of floor-to-ceiling windows and high-rise buildings. His family had moved to a new district, and he sat with his parents around a tea table drinking tea—rare days when he wouldn’t touch coffee. 

This man, for all his trials and tribulations, still hadn’t brought up reconciliation. He simply arranged Zhao Xiaorou’s travel plans while quietly working on a design case. 

As for the other small group chat with Ma Liang, it remained silent. Ma Liang didn’t post anything about his New Year’s dinner, only sending greetings. When Zhao Xiaorou asked if Fengxian had any specialties, he replied, “We specialize in hardworking and devoted men.” 

Zhao Xiaorou found him corny. Ma Liang didn’t stop joking: “Have I ever mentioned that some women like me too? There was this one in advertising—couldn’t forget me. Her name was Tracy. 

“She even offered to buy me a house, but I felt it would burden her. I’m just a poor guy. But among all the women who’ve loved Ma Liang, she’s the one I’ll never forget.” 

The world is so small… 

After a long wait, Diao Zhiyu finally messaged her after finishing his training: “Where are you?” 

Hu Xiu sent her location. Only after sending it did she realize—it felt like she was at the ends of the earth.

“Traveled so far?” 

“I came to see my mom.” 

“No wonder. I came to knock on your door, fully prepared for the possibility that you wouldn’t be home, but I didn’t expect you’d already reached the northeastern frontier.” 

“Did your training camp end early?” 

“Yeah. Snatched a short break to spend New Year’s. I was about to go crazy in the rehearsal room. If you weren’t in Shanghai, I was thinking of heading back to Shenyang. Only got four days off—back to training on the fourth day of the new year. Did you set off any firecrackers?” 

“My mom’s from the South, so I doubt she’s interested.” The fireworks and firecrackers outside hadn’t stopped. “Besides, I feel like I might have disturbed her by coming here…” 

“Your family relationships seem… a bit complicated. I heard some things from Zhao Xiaorou before. One time, I took her home after she’d had too much to drink, and she mentioned you.” 

Hu Xiu immediately grew nervous. “When?” 

“Around Christmas. I stayed at her place, drinking till dawn. She was so drunk over Li Ai that she couldn’t stop throwing up. 

I was worried she’d choke on her own vomit, so I stayed by her bedside all night, only drinking hot water myself. 

And there she was, changing her shirt in bed and throwing clothes everywhere, all while passionately explaining her 19-year platform content plan. She even talked about you—completely drunk, yet full of energy. So yeah, I know a bit about your situation.” 

Hu Xiu couldn’t help but laugh and cry. Zhao Xiaorou was notorious for her bizarre antics when drunk—she was the kind of person everyone tried to avoid. 

Seeing Hu Xiu not reply, Diao Zhiyu added, “I didn’t see anything, though. She was hiding under the blanket while changing and just tossing things out. Plus, I was sitting far away and wasn’t even wearing glasses…” 

“No need to explain. I didn’t misunderstand anything.” Hu Xiu felt a warmth in her heart from Diao Zhiyu’s long string of messages. After a few minutes, she responded, “Actually… I kind of miss you…” 

Right after she sent the message, her mom came out of the bedroom and noticed her sitting in the living room smiling to herself. Her mom immediately understood. 

Hu Xiu put away her phone, ready to chat with her mom, but her mom simply said, “It’s getting late. Let’s go to bed.” 

It was only ten o’clock. As Hu Xiu looked at her mom, who was washing her face and applying moisturizer, she found herself less upset. The distance between them was probably just due to not seeing each other for so long and having little in common to talk about. Maybe things would be better the next day. 

Lying in the northern bedroom, unable to sleep in an unfamiliar bed, Hu Xiu tossed and turned. The firecrackers outside were too loud, and she couldn’t fall asleep. 

She leaned on the edge of the bed, gazing at the snow-covered city. Despite the darkness, the vast expanse of white bathed the small town in a deep, muted glow. At the edge of her view was the pitch-black night sky, where fireworks kept bursting into life, one after another. 

What exactly had Zhao Xiaorou told Diao Zhiyu about her past? Hu Xiu had no idea. The truth was, her strange relationship with her mother had never changed. 

Growing up like a little mushroom by her mother’s side, Hu Xiu often watched her mom daydream, lost in thought. Her mother’s delicate heart seemed forever trapped in melancholic musings, rarely showing a cheerful smile. 

When Hu Xiu failed to get into the affiliated primary school of the Central Conservatory of Music and was instead admitted to the prestigious South Foreign Language School through her arts talent, her dad constantly pushed her to work hard. Meanwhile, her mom, sitting silently nearby, always seemed like a plant transplanted into the wrong soil at the dinner table. 

When Hu Xiu was a teenager and experienced her first growing pains, waking up in the middle of the night with cramps, she overheard her parents arguing for the first time. 

Her mom’s voice, even when fighting, was soft. If you don’t love me, please let me go. 

That night, Hu Xiu felt utterly betrayed and didn’t speak to her mom for months. 

Memories might distort over time, but looking back now, their marriage might have been a tragedy all along, and perhaps she wasn’t the only victim. 

When Hu Xiu finally drifted off to sleep and woke up again, she found her mom sitting by her bedside, quietly watching her. One leg was propped on the bed, and it seemed she’d been there for a while. 

The hairline at her mom’s temples was white, and overall, her hair had receded quite a bit. She had aged. After a long pause, her mom spoke. “Are you not comfortable here?” 

“It’s fine…” 

“Do you want to sleep in the southern bedroom? That one might have a mattress; it’s softer. Hardly anyone sleeps here. The last time the bedding was aired out was in the fall, so it might be a bit musty.” 

“It’s fine…” 

“You seem… thinner.” 

“I haven’t had much of an appetite…” 

“You look just like I did when I was younger. I also didn’t talk much, even with people I liked. But I’ve changed a lot now—I say whatever’s on my mind, even go out drinking and make small talk with strangers.” Her mom patted her leg. “Alright, I’ll go sleep in the southern bedroom. Let me know if you need anything.” 

That late-night check-in unexpectedly settled Hu Xiu’s emotions. She slept soundly. 

The next morning, she was woken by firecrackers. Opening her door, she saw a man standing in the entryway. He wore a brown leather jacket, had a crew cut with a mix of black and white hair, and looked sharp and energetic. He was neatly stacking New Year’s goods into the house—beer, nuts, seafood… 

His Northeastern accent was strong and raspy. “It’s rare for the girl to come home, so spend the New Year properly with her. I’ll stay at my mom’s, play some mahjong, eat dumplings, and come back to see you in a few days.” 

Her mom stood by the shoe cabinet. “Honestly, I didn’t expect her to come either. But she probably feels suffocated spending New Year’s with her dad.” 

“You two have issues when it comes to parenting. Other families cherish their daughters like treasures. But you two? It’s like you’re dodging landmines. 

Stop avoiding it. No kid doesn’t love their parents. Now that she’s here, just have a proper talk.” 

He looked up and saw Hu Xiu standing at the bedroom door, greeting him. He smiled, revealing teeth stained from years of smoking. “Speak of the devil! Southern kids do look delicate, like little kittens—all slender and graceful.” 

The steady stream of Northeastern dialect made Hu Xiu feel a bit awkward. Her mom seemed embarrassed too and didn’t introduce him, simply inviting her to sit down for breakfast. 

The man waved his hand, stepping out of the house. He said goodbye briskly. Her mom’s face looked much more relaxed. “Sorry about that—my boyfriend.” 

“As expected of Mom. Truly charming.” 

“I’m not as young as you think… Fine, I’ll admit it, I am charming.” Her mom’s words carried a slight Northeastern accent, making Hu Xiu laugh. 

Her mom seemed more at ease than the previous night. “It’s New Year’s Eve. Anything you’d like to eat?” 

“Not really…” 

The longer Hu Xiu stayed in the house, the more she felt like she couldn’t breathe. “I’m heading back to Shanghai on the second day of the new year.” 

“So soon? Isn’t that the day after tomorrow?” 

“Work is very busy, so I’ll head back early to rest.” Hu Xiu thought to herself that staying here and disrupting her mom’s romantic life was truly inappropriate. 

Her mom’s mood had clearly improved. “Want to go out with me for a walk? Some stores are still open in the morning. We can buy something you like, then come back to celebrate the new year.” 

Stocking up for the holiday, the two carried large bags, walking down the icy roads as snow crunched beneath their feet. It was freezing. 

She wore her mom’s padded pants, so bulky she could barely lift her legs, but it gave her a glimpse of the joy from childhood. 

Her mom seemed to have rediscovered her motherly role, chatting with her about the small city: its peace, its low cost of living, its simple interpersonal relationships, and the easy-to-understand local dialect. 

But when they ran into acquaintances on the street, her mom seemed reluctant to introduce her. When asked about her daughter, she brushed them off and quickly said goodbye. Hu Xiu watched her mom’s stubborn retreating figure—forget it. 

The crackling of firecrackers outside continued without end. They were said to last well into the night. The two drank some wine before heading to their respective rooms. Before Hu Xiu could fall asleep, her mom snuck into her bed, like a mischievous child, grabbing her arm—a habit of holding hands she realized she’d inherited from her mom. 

Maybe her mom wasn’t looking to share a bed but simply couldn’t sleep without holding someone’s hand. Casually, her mom asked, “These past two years, how have you been? How’s work? Got a boyfriend? And… how’s your dad?” 

The three questions jolted her awake. Hu Xiu tightened the blanket around her. “I work at a hospital, very busy. I do admin and translations, often working seven days a week without rest. I do have a boyfriend…” 

“Any relationship troubles?” 

“No. He’s pretty handsome, and the toughest parts are already behind us.” 

“For example?” Her mom seemed intrigued. “I’m great at handling relationships. Tell me about it.” 

“Two excellent men were pursuing me at the same time. One’s an actor, five years younger than me, very talented and treats me well. The other is a doctor, highly respected at the hospital, a rising star… 

Everyone thought I should pick the doctor. Even Dad thought so. But I chose the actor.” 

Her mom’s eyes sparkled with mischief. “You have good taste.” 

“Hm?” 

“Young love is pure. Once it’s been refined a few times, it gets dirty. After thirty, love loses its appeal. It becomes mundane, bound by rules, and everyone tries to shove you into a framework.” 

“They probably think the doctor is more suitable for marriage…” 

“Marriage is useless.” 

“Mom, that’s not a very encouraging sentiment.” 

“Love disappears after marriage. People just drag each other into a swamp, where everything becomes as dull as chaff. 

After you were born, I spent every day wishing for a divorce. Many people told me I should endure it for your sake. 

When you were four, we went to Xuanwu Lake. You cried and begged for a plastic water bottle sold by a vendor at the entrance. 

I only had eight yuan left in my pocket. If I bought it for you, we wouldn’t even have money to get home. But I gritted my teeth and spent the money anyway. 

On the way back, I seriously thought about abandoning you. When the bus reached Zhonghua Gate, I wanted to leave you by the wall and just walk away. I hoped someone would take you. I could cry under the city wall all night, act pitiful, and finally be free. 

Standing at a distance, I watched you holding the water bottle, giggling cluelessly, not even realizing I had hidden myself. 

I forced myself to walk back and pick you up, but the whole way I was cursing. And yet, I knew that whoever took you wouldn’t know you wet the bed. 

Would they understand what your cries meant? Would they send you to kindergarten? What if you ended up disabled and had to beg on the streets… 

I was terrified and walked back to get you, but I was so angry. You’d still cling to me, calling me mom, with all your unreasonable demands, while your dad didn’t love me either—does hearing all this make you sad?” 

Sad didn’t even begin to describe it. Hu Xiu pulled her arm away from her mom’s hand in anguish, not wanting to be touched anymore. 

Her mom’s hand followed, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. “That’s all in the past. Until you got married, wasn’t I always by your side?” 

“For two years… you refused to see me.” 

“I’ve gotten old and tired. I don’t want to constantly take care of others anymore. You’ve never relied on me much anyway. If you miss me, you’ll come find me.” 

Under the light, her mom half-closed her eyes. Her fleeting emotions seemed to flicker, like melting snow about to vanish. 

She said, “When I think of you and your dad, I can’t sleep. It’s so painful—sorry.” 

Mother and daughter lay side by side, the folds of memory unfurling like an old accordion, its creases battered and worn. 

Her mom leaned against the pillow and asked one last question. “How’s your dad doing?” 

“My dad… recently went to Shanghai to take care of a teacher named Tang. He only returned to Nanjing a few days ago after that teacher passed away.” 

“Tang Liqun?” 

“Yes. How do you know?” 

A fleeting, unnatural smile crossed her mom’s face. She was silent for a moment, then hesitated before saying, “He hasn’t changed a bit.” 

“Huh?” 

“Still stubborn. That teacher had three students. Two came from musical families but were spoiled and unmanageable. Teaching them was exhausting. 

Your dad was the dispensable one. When the other two weren’t around, the teacher would occasionally give him extra guidance. 

Your dad sincerely believed the teacher had been good to him. But really, it was just scraps of care that couldn’t be given elsewhere, thrown to him for his diligence. 

‘Repay a drop of kindness with a flood’—your dad embodies that completely.” 

“Someone as scornful as Dad is of most people, yet so loyal to his teacher?” 

“That’s because your dad—” Her mom paused for a few seconds. “I might as well tell you now. That teacher’s daughter… your dad had a crush on her for years. Even after she got married and moved abroad, he couldn’t forget her. 

The teacher would never marry his daughter to a poor boy, but he treated your dad like half a son-in-law, inviting him over for drinks every holiday.” 

Hu Xiu was stunned for a moment. “And he was okay with that?” 

“Utterly devoted. I was your dad’s rebound when he was heartbroken. Later, when he refused to divorce me, I was in so much pain.”

But later, when he ran away from home, my springtime began. That uncle you met at home when you were seventeen—I liked him very much, so much that I was willing to jump out of the constraints of marriage for him. Once he came upstairs the first time, there was a second time.

When your dad returned, he told me we’d settle the score after you were married.

I thought to myself, whatever—it was better than staying home as a living widow. Later, when you were about to get married, I originally thought I’d wait until the wedding was over to cause a stir, but he couldn’t wait.”

“Mom, I’m tired.”

She didn’t want to continue the conversation.

Leaving her mother behind, Hu Xiu huddled on the far side of the big bed, forcing herself to fall asleep. Useless. She wished she could book a ticket back to Shanghai immediately. But Diao Zhiyu had also gone home for the holidays. If she returned to the rental apartment, she’d just be alone again, facing the four bare walls.

Don’t argue with a mom who’s on paroxetine, she told herself. Even so, her throat felt choked under the blanket. 

So she had once wanted to abandon her, just because she felt life was too painful, because she thought once Hu Xiu grew up, she wouldn’t need her anymore... 

In her dream, she saw her younger mom, wearing a white dress under her school uniform jacket, sitting on a platform and swinging her legs. “Hu Xiu, I did something bad,” she said. “If you promise to keep it a secret, I’ll tell you.” 

“But it doesn’t matter if you don’t keep it secret—everyone already knows. I don’t like my daughter...” 

When she woke up, she listlessly brushed her teeth. Her mom had already gone out, leaving her a note: “Milk is in the microwave.” 

She didn’t have much appetite. Standing by the bed, she looked at the balconies of the neighboring building. Every household had festive window decorations and colorful lights. In this small town brimming with holiday cheer, she was the only one not celebrating the New Year. 

Her phone vibrated. It was Diao Zhiyu: “Awake?” 

Feeling awful, she forced herself to reply: “Yeah. How’s home?” 

“So-so. The kids are too noisy. I’d rather see you than celebrate the New Year.” 

“When you get back, you’ll be heading straight to training camp. We probably won’t see each other until March,” Hu Xiu replied, nearly deflated.

“No way...” 

“How not? It’s already the second day of the new year. You’re traveling back tomorrow, and the day after that you’ll rejoin your team. Your schedule is packed—you wouldn’t possibly come to Heilongjiang to see me.” 

“Actually, I did. But how do I get there? I’m at the train station.” 

He actually came to see her? 

Hu Xiu dashed out of the house, took a taxi, and sped straight to the train station. The aging taxi couldn’t go fast on the snowy roads. She slapped her thighs impatiently, sitting on the middle of the backseat, eyes glued to the windshield, stomping at every red light. 

Why was the station so far away? Once she arrived, she rushed toward the exit without stopping. There, she spotted Diao Zhiyu, holding his phone and asking for directions, his nose reddened from the cold as he struggled to navigate. On this bright and clear day, he looked like a vision that had parachuted into this city.

His fingers were too cold to move properly. He warmed his hands against his neck, shook his phone, and finally looked up to see her. Smiling, he waved.

The tenderness in his eyes wrapped around her like the surrounding snow. 

She sprinted the remaining distance, almost crashing into Diao Zhiyu. She reached out to cup his icy face, hooking her ring finger gently around his ear. Pulling his head close to hers, she kissed him fiercely. 

Oh no... she thought. She wanted him.