Chapter 63

Oops, I Missed You So Much When You Weren’t Around

She suddenly realized that, just like how she had always been obsessed with why her father suppressed her, her excessive pursuit of paternal love was also a form of mental destruction.

Before joining the crew, Diao Zhiyu needed to attend script meetings and training. He took his suitcase to a suburban film base and spent his days immersed in the crew, refining his acting skills under the director’s guidance.

All the miscellaneous tasks left behind in the escape room were handed over to Lee Ai. Zhao Xiaorou had a full schedule of advertisements during the New Year, and her March event schedule was also finalized. She needed to produce a large-scale vlog on organizing her closet before the end of the year, which was the biggest advertising fee she had received from a collaboration.

To protect her home privacy, she rented a stylish Italian-style apartment and moved all her furniture, cosmetics, and clothes in a grand manner. Even the largest truck from Huolala was filled to the brim. The tedious tasks of checking, storing, unpacking delivery packages, and organizing luggage were all done by Ma Liang.

He took care of all the trivial matters without a single complaint, and even bought milk tea for the dozen or so staff members in a timely manner, which was so diligent that it made people look at him with new respect.

In the escape room, she had still thought he wasn’t very quick-witted, but now she had to admire his honesty and sincerity.

What moved Zhao Xiaorou the most was that Ma Liang also had a surprisingly alert side.

The carousel gift box sent by the brand would not be sold to the public. The official website would still have the video and photos of Zhao Xiaorou, but when it was officially sold, there would be no exquisite carousel, only a cardboard box that cost 8 yuan.

The assistant said that such false sales would damage the blogger’s reputation, but the brand didn’t care.

Ma Liang, who was at the emergency exit, overheard the brand’s phone call, saying that they didn’t care whether Zhao Xiaorou lived or died, and it would be easy to find another influencer if their persona collapsed, because they had dozens of KOLs in their group.

Ma Liang recorded the call and gave it to Zhao Xiaorou, reminding her to use it if there was any dispute.

While running back, the moving boxes hadn’t been finished yet, and he got his head caught in the elevator door while avoiding them.

He didn’t feel embarrassed, just smiled foolishly and said, “I’m very poor, I have nothing, I just want to learn something, and Sister Xiaorou is willing to give me a chance, so what if I get bumped around a little.”

“In our era, everything is quantified. Busyness is a sign of success, the 996 work schedule is forcing an 8-hour workday, and success is all supported by data. Whatever happens, it’s expected to have a perfect outcome.

What about love? Apart from money and status, can we still encounter a pure love that only considers heartbeats?”

As Zhao Xiaorou recited the lines, she happened to see Ma Liang, who was sitting there with a big ice pack on his head, still grinning foolishly.

The female director who discovered Diao Zhiyu was a guest at a Mercedes-Benz event. She was Taiwanese and was immediately drawn to Diao Zhiyu’s aura, wanting him to play the role.

In the phone call he made in the middle of the night, he talked about how he had found the feeling he had when he participated in someone else’s graduation project during his sophomore year, how the director would grab his shortcomings and train his acting skills, fearing that he would be suitable for the role but his acting skills would not be good enough.

Diao Zhiyu was very excited on the phone, it was rare for someone to point out his shortcomings and train him.

“Although I still don’t think it’s as direct as theater, I’m already very satisfied with my excellent opponent. A good opponent is much more important than a good teammate.”

Hu Xiu felt both lost and happy: “Are you going to join the crew after the New Year?”

“Yes. I heard that the pre-production has been going on for a year, and they couldn’t find the right person for this role. Now that they’ve found me, they’ll start shooting after the New Year.”

“Are you staying in Shanghai for the New Year?”

“Yeah, probably. I’ve called my mom. What about you?”

Since her father kicked her mother out, their father-daughter New Year’s Eve dinner became even more bland and tasteless.

Her father was the kind of person who wouldn’t even turn on the TV, let alone watch the Spring Festival Gala. After a few drinks, she would have to listen to him talk about his unfulfilled youth in a quiet room. She thought for a moment and didn’t mention it: “I might go back to Nanjing.”

She had other plans in mind, but she didn’t want to show Diao Zhiyu her bad side.

She always felt that adult relationships were too easily destroyed by the unpleasant past. He said, “This seems to be the first time we’ve been apart for so long.”

It had only been a little over ten days including the training time, and Hu Xiu had gotten used to his occasional sweet talk and would also tease him proactively: “So, do you miss me a little...”

“Why would I call you if I didn’t miss you? It’s just a pity...”

“What?”

“In order to get into character and experience unrequited love, I need to cultivate my mind, work hard physically, and abstain for thirty days.”

After saying that, the phone was silent for a second, and then he changed the topic. Young boys also like to tell boring sweet nothings, using dirty jokes to show off their wit, and then shyly avoiding it, because there is no physical contact through the phone, and anyone who listens will feel anxious.

He said, “you’ll probably have to wait until the filming is finished to see the normal me, lately I’ve become depressed and gloomy, and I’ve been staying in my room, cultivating my emotions.”

“If you say that, I’ll worry about you.”

“I’ll adjust myself, I’m a man after all.”

“And—don’t get too involved with others again.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll control my first self and second self this time. In the past, my life was boring and empty, and my emotions were easily transferred. Now my heart is full enough.”

I had heard Teacher Diao’s acting class explain before that the first self is Diao Zhiyu himself, and the second self is the character. If you don’t control it well, they will affect each other.

“Teacher Diao, you talk a lot.” After saying that, Hu Xiu also found it strange. The habit that Diao Zhiyu had on Snowpiercer was now on her. She would shy away when she was embarrassed.

“I’ll check my phone at night. Tell me if you’re upset, don’t keep it to yourself—I always feel like you have something on your mind.”

My biggest worry is that I want you to come back soon...

Diao Zhiyu said a bunch of sticky sweet words before hanging up the phone. The call lasted for three hours, and he didn’t want to hang up even when he went to sleep.

Hu Xiu hid under the covers, and it seemed that the covers were also tainted with Diao Zhiyu’s scent—a mixture of shower gel and sweat, making her feel inexplicably lonely and unbearable. The worst part about being in love is that after getting used to someone’s intimacy, you can’t adapt to sudden solitude.

She was no longer the woman who just wanted to live alone and didn’t want to be disturbed.

She stayed up later and later. Seeing 4:05 AM on the screen, she couldn’t sleep either, so she opened Bilibili and looked at the comments.

Each video had over a thousand views. Although sharing dry knowledge was boring, it was a real need. The picture of Diao Zhiyu was adjusted very high-end, and Hu Xiu, who was sitting on the right side, spoke clearly, and the subtitles were also matched by him one by one.

She also received many questions in the comments and private messages, with examinees preparing for the MTI exam urging her to update faster.

This made her very happy.

At the hospital, her senior sister passed by her office door with a lunchbox and came in to greet her.

Since Hu Xiu became the main person in charge of translation, although her senior sister’s words were friendly, they always sounded sarcastic: “My main task now is also to raise Xiao Ning and take care of the family, of course, the work should be done by younger people with more energy.

But this is also thanks to Xiao Pei, without his help, you wouldn’t have risen so quickly.”

“Of course...” Hu Xiu sat in front of the computer, her hands didn’t stop typing the form, the complex medical procurement table and the in-hospital meeting arrangements were enough to keep her busy for a day.

She was very good at coordinating, but she couldn’t stand the boredom. Her senior sister chatting beside her made her a little distracted, and she could only agree.

Taking advantage of the fact that the deputy director had not yet arrived, her senior sister came in to gossip with her, and the first thing she revealed was the unpleasant news: The hospital’s two quota positions this year had already been internally determined. An old employee who had left the hospital and obtained a doctorate from Shanghai Theatre Academy had returned to occupy one position, and the other was a hospital family member, a Shanghainese, who was stable and both husband and wife worked in the hospital, so the couple would not easily leave.

Hu Xiu had been in the hospital for almost a year and had already understood the recruitment rules. Two positions were released, but over a hundred people applied.

But as long as the two internally determined colleagues passed the written exam, the rest would fail in the interview.

The whole process was not opaque, everyone was competing fairly, it was just that when choosing a unit, they didn’t know that there were internal recommendations involved.

“It’s not a bad play.” The senior nurse whispered to Hu Xiu, “Little Hu, are you dating that young and handsome guy from last time?”

“Yes...”

“Oh, so you’re really giving up on Xiao Pei?”

“Maybe we just lacked a bit of fate.” Hu Xiu didn’t elaborate.

“He went to the United States to work on a project with his ex-girlfriend, there’s no need to hide this from you. They haven’t completely reunited, after all, his ex-girlfriend is already married.

Xiao Pei is handsome and has a bit of a halo around him, he’s surrounded by people wherever he goes.

But he’s not the kind of person who is immoral, you two are really a good match. It would be great if you could play the double act in the hospital.

My sister’s words might be a bit rough, but when it comes to living your life, you should think more about yourself. At your age, you shouldn’t do anything irrational.”

The deputy director arrived, and the senior nurse greeted him and went out. A new week of work began.

The hospital was as busy as usual, but because of the New Year, the administrative building was more cheerful than usual.

Sitting at her desk, she suddenly felt a bit bored. Working as a translator in the hospital, doing her part to help cure the sick and save lives, was indeed something she was very proud of, but the tedious daily work in front of her was her main job, and she didn’t feel as accomplished. To say that she was serving the hospital felt a bit wronged.

Thinking about this, she felt a little ashamed. In this era of individuality, staying in a screw position and occasionally doing something that shines was not fulfilling enough for her.

In the past, she wanted to hide herself, the more hidden the better, but after being appreciated by her juniors and praised by her superiors, she began to have ambitions for herself.

Her father called and invited her to have lunch together. With a soft heart, Hu Xiu agreed, planning to talk to her father about her future plans.

If her father was willing, she could stay on duty at the hospital. The house in Nanjing was probably covered in dust because no one had cleaned it. He could take care of her teacher in the hospital, and they could stay in Shanghai for the New Year together.

The premise was that he wouldn’t go crazy again and keep criticizing her.

Her father ordered food very simply, two sets and a small pot of beef offal, probably wanting to finish quickly.

Seeing Hu Xiu, it was obvious that he was still angry from last time, his face was full of displeasure. After handing Hu Xiu chopsticks and a towel, her father opened his mouth: “I’ll go to the apartment you rented for the New Year. The teacher can’t go back to Nanjing, so we father and daughter can have a drink together.

And for the sake of your lifelong happiness, let’s call Xiao Pei together that night. You’re too shy, you need your father to help you smooth things over.”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Still that young guy? The actor, right? What’s he been acting in lately?”

“A movie...”

“Oh...” Dad was a bit surprised, and quickly changed the subject, “Once you become a big star, you won’t care about you. After all, you’re just a small administrator in a hospital, and occasionally being an interpreter is not that great. You’re not from the same world.

And that circle is very dirty, who knows what kind of unspoken rules might be imposed on him, be careful.”

It was all clichés and stereotypes. She couldn’t eat her meal anymore. His words didn’t stop: “I suggest you don’t go to your mother’s address. You’ve finally settled down in Shanghai, and you might as well contact Xiao Pei more often.”

It seemed like Dad hadn’t been upset for a few days after the last time, and he could easily and accurately make her lose her appetite—fatherly love was like a mountain.

Hu Xiu suddenly thought of Diao Zhiyu’s acting classes. Even if she couldn’t act like another person, it was still good to use some techniques.

After hesitating for a long time, seeing her father eating calmly, she finally hardened her heart, “Don’t come to my house for the New Year, I’m very busy, I have to prepare for the translation conference, and I have new plans after the New Year, I don’t have time to have New Year’s Eve dinner with you.”

“Plans? Tell me about them...”

“You won’t understand anyway, after all, you’re just a teacher who teaches art students for the college entrance exam, you’re outdated and old-fashioned, how can you have the qualifications to listen.”

“How dare you talk like that?” Dad was obviously unhappy.

“Is the teacher you’re taking care of now the one who supported you to take the Central Conservatory of Music exam when you were young?

Your vision is indeed not very good. You didn’t pass the exam, and your daughter didn’t pass the exam either, it’s just that you don’t have enough talent.

I used to think it was because I wasn’t working hard enough, but now I think it might be because my genes are not very good.

I work as a translator in the hospital, and I haven’t made a single mistake. The online translation courses are all chasing me, calling me Teacher Hu.”

“He has been kind to me.”

“More than me and your mother?”

“Yeah...”

Hu Xiu was speechless.

“I retired from the army as an art soldier and worked as a worker. I took a part-time piano class for 200 yuan a month, and I couldn’t afford it.

It was the teacher who appreciated me and sincerely believed that I had talent. He sponsored me for three years.

Without those three years, I would never have been able to take the exam, the age limit was so strict, and I wouldn’t have met your mother later.

I was too old, and I didn’t have a chance to pass the exam in the last year. He told me that if you have talent, you can also cultivate your offspring, after all, I have talent and I’m willing to study hard, so my daughter will definitely not be wrong.”

Her father held the water cup and said calmly, “He is the only person who has never asked anything of me, but has given me his appreciation and praise; you and your mother both hate me, I know, you think I’m useless and paranoid, and you want to control your lives.

Being strict with you is the only quality I can give you. I can’t say insincere things, and when I see your mediocrity, I can’t help but say it out loud, because 99% of people are mediocre, and self-confidence is self-deception, society will teach you to face the truth.

Seeing my students, who have been encouraged and educated since childhood, regardless of their talent, they all seem so annoying -

It’s sensational to have enough ability but show off your personality. Dingding, you can hate me or look down on me, we don’t have to have New Year’s Eve dinner together, if you have other arrangements.

The teacher’s cancer is very serious, and it’s probably just these few days. I’ll take care of him in the hospital for the last time, and then I’ll go home.”

A few days later, the teacher did pass away—she heard the news because on the penultimate working day, she saw the change in the bed list in the nurse’s system.

Her father, who had been taking care of everything in the hospital from start to finish, was finally able to go back to their home in Nanjing for the New Year. 

When she went upstairs to the inpatient ward to find him, her father had just packed up his luggage—one big bag, one small bag, a washbasin—and was exchanging farewells with the family members who had arrived to pick him up. 

The bed was already covered with freshly laundered sheets. Standing by the bedside, her father didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands—putting them in his pockets didn’t feel right, but picking up his bags didn’t feel right either. Hesitating to leave, he reached out and smoothed the bed sheets, just as he had done countless times over the past three months. 

When he turned around, the sadness in his eyes was something she had never seen before, and it sank heavily into her heart. 

She forgave her father easily. The tangled pain, the reluctance, and the loneliness—they were all understood by someone equally lonely like herself. It was a shared solitude that ran through their bloodline, leaving them both feeling the same desolation. 

At last, she understood. Just as she had always questioned why her father suppressed her and avoided familial affection, she also realized that emphasizing fatherly love could be a form of emotional destruction. 

Perhaps from now on, she wouldn’t see her father often, or maybe… she wouldn’t visit home often either. The misunderstandings wouldn’t disappear, but at this moment, Hu Xiu didn’t want to resent him anymore. 

There was another part of her sorrow that needed mending. 

On the first day of the holiday, she bought a full-price plane ticket to Harbin, then took a slow train to a small town. 

She was already frozen stiff the moment she got off the train. Following the Spring Festival crowd out of the station, she quietly borrowed the joy of others returning home. 

Heilongjiang was truly cold. The snow gave the entire city a quiet undertone, but the sudden bursts of firecrackers startled her. It was the first time she’d smelled the relentless, lingering scent of sulfur. 

Dragging her suitcase through snow-covered streets like cutting a cake, she wandered around the neighborhood a few times before pushing open a broken apartment door. She climbed to the third floor and rang the doorbell. 

When the woman opened the door, her eyes widened in surprise. “What are you doing here?” 

“Mom…” 

The house was warm from the floor heating, and before she even stepped inside, the heat flushed her cheeks. Her mother was at a loss, rushing to cook and canceling her evening plans over the phone. Hu Xiu could tell that her mother had found her own connections here. 

When the dishes were served, Hu Xiu thought to herself, Mom’s cooking skills have gotten rusty. The food clearly catered to her tastes when she was six years old—but it didn’t matter. 

“Your dad gave you the address?” 

“Yeah…” 

“I thought so. It must’ve been cold, suddenly coming all this way.” 

“Not really. It’s warm inside, and seeing you makes it worth the trip.” 

It had been so long that saying such things felt awkward, her tongue stumbling over her teeth. She had never been one to express herself easily. 

Her mom didn’t look at her, just focused on arranging the food on the plates. “I’m happy too, though… I wasn’t exactly eager to see you.”