Chapter 42

I Have Youth to Bid Farewell To

The feeling of sourness in her heart came again, and it hadn’t been that long since the last time. Whether it was Qin Xiao Yi or Diao Zhi Yu answering these questions, it no longer mattered—after all, the outcome wouldn’t be any different for Hu Xiu.

“Sis, you’re so smart.” It was the first time he called her “sister.”

“Am I just a player to you?”

“No…”

“But I can’t surpass Lin Qiuyi, can I?”

There was a long silence on the other end of the phone.

“I also want to say it’s fine, as long as I can be your friend, just being by your side is enough.”

Hu Xiu held back her tears, took a deep breath, and moved the receiver away to sigh. She didn’t need to keep up the act anymore: “I can’t do it…”

“Do you like me, or Qin Xiao Yi?”

Hu Xiu froze. She heard a light laugh on the other end of the phone: “You and I still can’t tell the difference between the play and the reality. You threw away the marriage certificate with Feng Youjin, didn’t you?

If it had been the marriage certificate with Qin Xiao Yi, you would have kept it. Ever since I played Feng Youjin, you’ve only come to see me once.

It’s my white shirt, black suit, black curly hair, my aloof, cold, and emotionally tormented image that you like, so that’s why you can approach me without any hesitation in real life, right?”

“It’s not like that, I…”

“I heard you call my name in the room. If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t have realized you were still seeing me as Qin Xiao Yi.

You praise my professional skills and acknowledge my acting, and I appreciate that. But falling too deep into the role will hurt, and the sooner you wake up, the better.”

Hu Xiu wanted to tear the shredded marriage certificate from the wall and show it to him, but why had she torn it up and pieced it back together? Why had she lied to him that it had already been thrown away? These lies were all interconnected...

Flustered, not knowing how to answer, Hu Xiu quickly sat up, put on her shoes, and got ready to leave to find him: “Where are you?”

“I’m about to leave,” Diao Zhi Yu said, seemingly not interested in continuing the conversation. “I came to find you today. You said you needed to write your thesis and borrowed my computer. I wanted to ask if you needed help fixing it. I was afraid I might disturb your rest. Now I see that you probably don’t need me.”

“Diao Zhi Yu, even if I like Qin Xiao Yi, am I... just your friend?”

He didn’t give a clear answer, only saying softly: “Jie, goodnight.”

The word “sister” drew a line between them.

For the next week, Hu Xiu couldn’t sleep well. She often lay in the dark, her mind filled with thoughts of Qin Xiao Yi, scattering roses, and Diao Zhi Yu, waiting downstairs in a Lakers shirt. She had strange dreams until early morning.

The dreams plagued her for seven days, forming a strange series: she and Diao Zhi Yu met at a hotel, where they had the most direct physical relationship. But in the dream, there were no visceral experiences, only the mechanical act of eating food from room service after waking up.

In the dream, Diao Zhi Yu’s eyes were no longer full of longing, but hollow and distant. He left, dragging a delicate suitcase, leaving her alone in bed, reminiscing.

They say hotels are the places with the least stories, offering nothing new except lust. In the dream, Hu Xiu traced her past, the weary relationships, and the sense that the other person was always out of sync with her time zone.

Finally, the suitcase came and went, and she felt as though she was lying on a bed, part of a one-act play for an audience that had already left while she remained in the show.

Every morning, she felt like she was struggling to break free from the weight on her chest. Even such an empty relationship in her dreams left a scar in her heart. Now, she didn’t know how to face Diao Zhi Yu.

She hadn’t gone to REGARD or contacted Zhao Xiaoru. Her phone was unusually quiet except for work.

On Monday, when Hu Xiu entered Director Cai’s office, she sensed a serious atmosphere.

She happened to run into Chen Yang coming out of the office. They eyed each other warily. Since the opportunity for the official position opened up, they had been on guard against each other for the past two months.

Sitting in the office, while waiting for the files to be inputted, Hu Xiu received a message from her senior: “Hu Xiu, come to my office.”

Suddenly, the whole world started calling her by a different name.

Director Cai in the office still had a smile hiding a knife: “Sit...”

After not having a good night’s sleep for a month, Hu Xiu felt a bit nervous. Lost in her thoughts, she had forgotten that she had already been working at the hospital for half a year.

After a while, the dean called Director Cai to his office, leaving only Chen Yang and Hu Xiu in the room. Chen Yang swallowed nervously: “It’s probably about the permanent position.”

“Probably...”

“I’m not expecting much,” Chen Yang suddenly smiled. “There are always unexpected situations every year. I’ve gotten used to being considered a reserve.”

“Being a temporary employee isn’t bad either. You can take time off occasionally and don’t feel guilty about it.”

“Actually, I… it’s fine,” Hu Xiu said, voicing her confusion. “I don’t know if I was hired because of my translation skills or for some other reason. I have to do both administrative work and translation, but it doesn’t seem like I’m doing either very well.”

“You’re already very capable. I envy that you can focus completely on your work. I’m not someone who can dedicate personal time to things like that. Romance is a hassle.”

“Having a partner to run the race of life together, I actually envy you more.” Hu Xiu sighed. “I guess I’m really unlucky in love.”

The door opened, and Director Cai entered, sitting down and taking a sip of tea before pretending to speak with difficulty: “I called you here today to talk about the permanent position. Although the civil service exams are open to all, after interning here for so long, you are prioritized for consideration. Once you confirm the exam, it’s highly likely you’ll pass without a problem.”

Director Cai didn’t explicitly state what wasn’t planned, but the meaning was clear: “There’s only one permanent position left in the administrative department this year. Teacher Tang, a senior employee from Danning Hospital, is transferring here, so the position in the administrative department…”

“You’re young, and someone will retire next year, so I’ll tell the hospital to prioritize you. Do you understand?”

“So, it means there will still be a permanent position, but without a formal quota, right?”

“Yes. Your contract will be signed soon. Before that, there should be an interview for the permanent position. I’ll discuss the specifics with you again.”

“Compared to most of the administrative staff at the hospital, both you and Chen Yang are young and have your strengths. Just keep doing well here.”

After leaving the office, Chen Yang laughed: “I’m not surprised at all. It’s been three years, and I’ve been rejected for various positions many times. This one is the most direct.”

“I heard from some old leaders that some people can’t accept homosexuality, so they require young people in the hospital to behave properly, especially in administration, where there can be no conduct issues.”

“Every year, I have expectations that fall short, and I have to guard against my colleagues. I’ve lost friends along the way, and I’m tired of it. I really hope I could cross their red lines, but I don’t have the courage.”

Hu Xiu didn’t know what to feel. She only smiled and said: “It’s fine. The quota is like a golden handcuff. Nothing is permanent, and now I can look at other job opportunities.”

“The hospital is ultimately more stable.” Chen Yang laughed: “Five days a week, eight to five. I’d be happy to work here for a lifetime.”

“Don’t you want to improve yourself anymore?”

“Exploiting myself just to gain worldly recognition and honor isn’t necessary.”

“I can live in a rented house forever, an idyllic place, and even choose not to get married if needed. Nothing is more important than spiritual freedom.”

Her words seemed even more serious now. Hu Xiu laughed along: “You make sense. No matter what, if I get the permanent position, it’ll be fine.”

She wasn’t lying. After all, getting the permanent position would perfectly shut her father’s mouth. This statement surprised Chen Yang.

He stood by the stairs and looked at Hu Xiu: “Will you continue with administration or translation?”

Guarding her words, Hu Xiu thought for a moment and said: “I haven’t really decided yet, but I’ll tell you once it’s confirmed.”

Back in the office, Hu Xiu sent a message to Pei Zhen. After seven hours, Pei Zhen replied briefly: “As expected. Whether or not there’s a formal quota doesn’t matter. As long as you’re permanent, it’s fine. I don’t even have a formal quota. If I was working hard for this, there’s no need to.”

“I misunderstood. I thought getting the permanent position meant leaving immediately if there’s no quota.”

“Since I can still officially work at the hospital, it doesn’t really matter to me. So, we’ll still be colleagues.”

“Of course...” Normally, Pei Zhen would have said more, but today, the conversation ended like that.

Hu Xiu looked at her phone. The chat history with Diao Zhi Yu was buried several screens deep, quiet as though all memories had been erased. She was truly just a player.

Feeling hungry, Hu Xiu left work and went to REGARD to find Li Ai for some noodles. The usually quiet restaurant at this time of day was unexpectedly packed.

Li Ai moved swiftly with his crutches, sweat glistening on his forehead. When he saw Hu Xiu, he was a bit surprised: “You’re here, but didn’t say anything?”

“Today’s been busy...”

“Yes, people from the financial park rented the place for a team-building event. My kitchen had to prepare ten boxes of alcohol,” Li Ai noticed Hu Xiu’s expression. “Not happy?”

“No. In a few days, I’ll confirm I can be permanent at the hospital, so I wanted to come here to celebrate and have some noodles.”

“Then you should invite Diao Zhi Yu and Zhao Xiao Rou. Is it okay if it’s a bit later? The event should end around 10:30, and I’ll reimburse their taxi fare.”

“Really don’t need to...” Hearing Diao Zhi Yu’s name made Hu Xiu choke up. “Can I go upstairs for a while? I suddenly feel tired.”

“Did you have a fight with him?” Li Ai asked as he fumbled for his keys. “He hasn’t been around lately. He usually comes here during store breaks or weekends. Just two weeks ago, we went to watch a game together.”

Hu Xiu grabbed the keys and ran, not wanting Li Ai to see her red eyes: “I won’t have pasta. I’ll just go upstairs for a while.”

She couldn’t stay in the noisy environment that didn’t belong to her. Christmas songs made her feel out of place with the crowd; the army cot near the shelf and the small room where she had once laid with Diao Zhi Yu. She had even kissed him there...

Thud, thud. She climbed the dust-covered stairs, trembling for a long time before she finally lined up the keyhole. She could have lain on the bed or looked at the tobacco jar, silverware, or light perfume in the acrylic cabinet, or opened the cabinet to see Li Ai’s personal clothes under the dust cover. But instead, she just sat on the floor, as if sitting in a room that only had four empty walls left.

Finally, she arrived at relatively unfamiliar territory. She hadn’t expected that in just one week without contact, every place that used to remind her of Diao Zhiyu became difficult to approach. The scenes they had shared together left her feeling disoriented, and she couldn’t help but imagine, following Diao Zhiyu’s words, whether she really liked Qin Xiaoyi after all.

This was a problem she’d had since childhood: when someone made a declarative statement, it was hard for her to refute it. She’d tend to seriously reflect on the other person’s words.

But she had intentionally kept Diao Zhiyu out of her life, to make him shed his connection to Qin Xiaoyi. In this short month, she had experienced great happiness, which wasn’t solely due to Qin Xiaoyi’s influence on her life.

Someone knocked on the door—it was Zhao Xiaorou. She entered, bringing the cold air with her, and said, “Li Ai asked me to bring you coffee and cake. He said you’re not happy. What happened? Did you have a fight with Qin Xiaoyi?”

“Don’t call him Qin Xiaoyi.”

“What happened?” Zhao Xiaorou wasn’t particularly interested; she just needed to vent her frustrations to a friend without seeking comfort. “A few days ago, I told the little puppy I had been married, and then when I tried to do a live stream with him, he didn’t respond and blocked me. It’s sad, isn’t it? Recently, I’ve been getting roasted by netizens because of this video.”

Suddenly, Hu Xiu got up. “I need to go out for a while.”

It seemed like everyone around her had been dragged into her bad luck, and there had to be an end to this.

At the back gate of the shopping mall where the Snowpiercer train was located, only a few streetlights were still on, and the only brightly lit place was the convenience store.

The damp asphalt road carried a slight chill, and Hu Xiu pulled her clothes tighter. Zhao Xiaorou followed behind. “What’s so urgent?”

Just as they reached the emergency exit, they heard footsteps. It was Lin Qiumei, who was just getting off work.

Zhao Xiaorou, who had been confused, was quickly quieted by Hu Xiu, who subtly placed a hand over her mouth. She understood the situation immediately.

Lin Qiumei bent down to look inside the emergency exit, pressing hard against the door. Upon hearing Diao Zhiyu’s voice from inside, she giggled and loosened her grip. A group of weary actors spilled out.

Hu Xiu stood at a distance, her black trench coat hidden behind an air conditioning unit, blending into the surroundings.

After the group scattered, only Lin Qiumei and Diao Zhiyu remained. Lin Qiumei spoke first, “This hole in the emergency exit was made by you, right?”

“I didn’t wait this long to talk about that.”

“What do you want to talk about?”

“You know, I acted as Feng Youjin because of you. Being trapped in Qin Xiaoyi’s role and loving you without being able to have you just makes me feel increasingly frustrated.”

Lin Qiumei laughed. “I have that much power?”

“So, you broke up with Geng Geng. I want to know, was it because of me?”

Hu Xiu could see the confusion in Lin Qiumei’s eyes. “Of course not, we just didn’t see eye to eye.”

“Does that have anything to do with me? I was present when you two argued. Geng Geng said it was because of me, so… I just want to understand.”

“Why do you have to understand?”

“You always call me your little brother in the play, but you keep being nice to me. It’s the same outside of the play. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s fake.”

“If we keep talking, I’ll end up hurting you.”

“I’m not afraid…”

Lin Qiumei, petite and stubborn, spoke with defiance from her brows to the corners of her mouth. Hu Xiu watched from the side, sensing a strange victory in Lin Qiumei’s demeanor. “Only those who’ve had feelings for someone take these things as memories. It’s just a person’s illusion. You think of them as my love for you, but that’s a misunderstanding.

My kindness to you is real, but it’s not with any romantic intention.

I thought you’d realize it eventually—love can’t be forced.”

“So, the way you were nice to me in the play was just acting?”

“Yes. It was wrong of me to keep you hanging. It’s also my fault that I used your feelings to manipulate Geng Zhongliang into breaking up with me and leaving the company.

I know you’re a drama enthusiast, and I also know you couldn’t separate yourself from the role and refuse to stop acting. But it’s time for you to learn how to distinguish between acting and sincerity.

Don’t be afraid to tell Geng Zhongliang—I’ve got a new boyfriend. He’s a player who came to visit before, his family is well off—being a script-killer actor is tough.”

Diao Zhiyu laughed. “Alright, I understand.”

Just as he turned around, he saw Hu Xiu standing behind him. He shivered in the cold wind and instinctively reached out his hand.

Lin Qiumei quickly understood the situation and quietly withdrew. Hu Xiu stood in the wind, her nose likely red from the cold, her breath shallow. She thought to herself that there was no need to speak first; she would wait for him.

After a while, Diao Zhiyu composed himself and looked into Hu Xiu’s eyes. “I have my youth to say goodbye to too.”

“Diao Zhiyu, you damn—” Zhao Xiaorou threw her bag to the ground, her hand grabbing Diao Zhiyu’s collar. “Are you still a man?”

Hu Xiu pressed down on Zhao Xiaorou’s hand and turned her face just in time to see the door in front of the emergency exit.

The mischievous hole Lin Qiumei had left to spy on employees leaving work, where she had once locked eyes with Diao Zhiyu, still let a faint light from the mall shine through.

She had also once been close to someone in a dark room, holding their hand tightly, and hiding the ice cream wrappers.

Lin Qiumei was right. Only those who had given their hearts considered such things memories; it was just a person’s illusion.

The one who started to desire first would turn their pure heart, passion, and all their enthusiasm into a one-sided story, using every detail of their interactions—how close they were, how many sweet lines there were in the play, how much they teased each other in their free time—as material for their own unfinished story.

The cold winter air and the wet frost on the ground reminded her that the night was deep.

She glanced at Diao Zhiyu and said goodbye. “In my heart, it no longer matters who you are.”