002 - Squirrelventure

Publiseringsdato: 18.feb.2014 17:21:24

Today (February 18th 2014) I sat down in the couch and wrote by the same premise as "A Tale of Hats": Don't plan ahead too far, don't change the past too much and let the randomness take the lead. The result was this story. I personally don't think it's as good as "A Tale of Hats", but you should probably judge that for yourselves.

(This story was written on a smaller screen (my phone screen, as opposed to the computer used for "A Tale of Hats"), which is why the paragraphs are a bit short. I've removed a few newlines to make up for it, but it didn't do all that much.)

-Krixwell

Wait a minute, the squirrel didn't vote! :-(

"Squirrelventure" by Krixwell

A long time ago in a tree, a squirrel was playing music through his surround sound setup. The problem was, the current song was a waltz, and the squirrel couldn't dance.

Before this amazingly important plot point could evolve into a proper plot, however, the squirrel rudely ruined a perfectly good story by skipping the song.

The nerve.

The next song was a rock and roll song. A true believer in literal interpretation and magical power of genre names, the squirrel hastily skipped the song to prevent an avalanche from the nearest mountain from crushing his tree, despite the nearest mountain being roughly one astronomical unit away.

Did I mention that the tree was on an asteroid in the Kuiper Belt? No, of course I didn't, it's a retcon.

As for why and how a squirrel is surviving on a tree on an asteroid, a wizard did it by waving his hand in a dramatic fashion.

The wizard didn't actually know he was one. He was just an actor on Broadway. You wouldn't believe all the weird things that can happen when a wizard says "Alas, poor Yorick! I can't believe Emma cheated on him!" or "Toby or not Toby? That is the question!" (both lines from Shakespeare's "Hamlet", a touching tale of romantic drama, loyalty and aliens set in a small English hamlet in the sixteenth century).

For instance, the wizard recently played the role of the Punky Friar in "Romeo and Juliet". Upon giving 'Juliet' her poison, he did a gesture with his middle finger which caused a nearby tree and the immediate area below to be teleported to the Kuiper Belt. It also brought with it a lot of air and, inexplicably, normal gravity. The reason for this, of course, was that the tree was a birch.

The wizard, however, never knew he'd done this, and was as puzzled as anyone else at the report of a missing chunk of ground in the middle of Central Park.

In his next play, he played Oberon, the fairy king. (He had asked his boss several times before about why the theater only ever set up Shakespeare plays, but only gotten a muffled and cryptic answer that sounded like "Squirrels".) However, this didn't matter for this story at all, so I guess you can just ignore it.

Suddenly, the squirrel's asteroid decided it had had enough of this nonsense already, and turned towards Earth while rudely ignoring Newton's first law of motion. It didn't move all that fast, though. Not to mention it missed.

A couple of decades later, and after missing Earth at least three times, the asteroid finally descended towards New York. The squirrel and the tree were long dead. Well, the asteroid figured they had to be, anyway, they had jumped off twenty years earlier on Mars. Yes, the tree too. The asteroid was tiny, though, and didn't last more than twenty seconds in Earth's atmosphere.

Yeah, that was a pointless story.

The end.