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Creator: Multiple
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Arguably an AU honestly.
every problem is solved by Corvo’s ass and dumbass. An empress that won’t marry? Don’t worry Attano a fine fine ass will handle it. People actually help with the plague because he’s too pure and they cannot refuse. Daud has a platonic(?) crush on him and the assassination attempt is aborted. The Outsider picks him thinking “this will go up in flames :))))”. Daud is too busy looking at Corvo's butt from atop the waterlock to actually go through w the assassination. Corvo barely ever gets to use his insane sword skills because people see his ass and either leave or are too distracted by it to fight properly.
Corvo is just baffled at everything and low key wondering if this is just what dunwall is like
The dunwall courier has a monthly "dilfiest silvergraphs of corvo attano" section. Emily tried to get it banned but all her advisors were like "girl no there will be revolt if you try that".
Corvo considered going by the courier as the masked felon and asking in a very threatening manner who tf was making that but decided that wouldn't be a good idea because it would result in A. people working out who he was or 2. people thinking the masked felon was just really in to corvo attano or smthn
Archives:
whaler: sir are we gonna do it
Daud: look at the lord protector's ass
whaler: what
whaler: sir he's wearing a coat how can you see it
Daud: just. look.
whaler: [looks]
whaler: o shit truuu
“Are those hotcakes or is that actually part of him????”
Emily, noticing the whalers: what are those people up there doing?
Corvo:
Jessamine:
Corvo: uh idk i think they're just staring at us
the prime minister: petition to change the lord protector's uniform to booty shorts. cast your votes now
parliament: [votes]
the speaker, after the votes have been counted: for the first time since the parliament was created, we have a unanimous vote for yes
the speaker, turning to Corvo: ur ass has united parliament wtf
Corvo:
Corvo, crying: i'm not a piece of meat
Corvo: i know you have a vote in the parliament
Jessamine: i do
Corvo: did you use it today
Jessamine: maybe
Corvo:
Jessamine: oh would you look at that! an assassin! [runs off]
“is this... some sort of tradition”
“Is this some sort of dunwall joke that I’m too Serkonan to understand”
Corvo: i don't remember the last royal protector ever wearing booty shorts
literally everyone: oh? you don't? they... they totally did. 100%. tradition
Corvo:
Corvo: aight whatever
"oh yeah,, ALL royal protectors have uh had to wear booty shorts since the start of the empire,, yup uh huh absolutely"
“Having your legs out is like. A show of strength, you know” “fine”
Emily: father, i was reading the rules of the empire n shit, and I found literally nothing on royal protectors having to wear-
Emily: [is spear tackled by like 3 different people]
[after rescuing Emily from drowning]
Corvo: could i get a towel
someone: we... the empire has run out of towels. suddenly there are none.
Corvo: Emily got a towel
someone: that was the last one
Corvo: weird that everyone was just staring at nothing today after i got Emily out the pond, wasn't it
jess: wh
jess: Corvo i love you with my whole heart but are you really this oblivious
Corvo: huh?
jess: they were staring at you. literally everyone was staring at you
Corvo: why
jess: what do you mean why? have you seen yourself????
Corvo, forgetting what mirrors hi Iare: No???
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