By: Lilly Rodriguez
Hi, I’m Lilly, and I am not your average teenage girl, because for 4 years of my life I’ve lived as a boy! Shocking, huh?
Interesting to think that an undercover female played the role for so long, especially because she did it without raising any suspicion. Well, she did come off as gay, but hey I digress.
In all actuality, I identified as trans-male for the past 4 years. I believed this so strongly that I went as far as going through hormone therapy to treat my medically diagnosed (at the time) gender-identity-disorder. Meaning I had a cool beard and a nifty deep-ish voice. During that time period, I genuinely felt much more comfortable with being male; I wore a chest-binder to conceal my chest, I shopped in the boy’s section and used the boy’s bathroom. I was no different from the rest of the guys, at least my outward appearance wasn’t. Underneath my clothes, I was still and am female.
My intention with transferring to Carver was for a new start as “Ethan”, and I was eager for everyone to get to know the boy I believed I was. Little did I know that my feelings would shift during my Junior year there. Given I have always been a bit more flamboyant than other boys, though I always figured it was due to my sexual orientation, or that I just wasn’t too manly of a man. This never sat with me quite right.
Regardless, I ignored my feelings of doubt because I couldn't imagine myself any other way. I have been Ethan for most of my teenage life, and if I wasn't Ethan, then who was I?
As appreciative as I am that the LGBTQ+ community has a plethora of labels to choose from, though for a confused 16 year old, it felt like an abyss of quicksand reaching for my every limb, doing nothing but complicating my already complex journey.
It took me a while before I knew being a girl was what I wanted. I mostly observed other people, and made my decision off of how certain genders interacted with certain people/things/situations and I'd compare that to how I'd act if I were put into that same situation.
I would watch girls with their long hair, make-up and wolf pack-like tendencies they share with their other female friends. In a weird way, I craved this type of bond with other females. Until I realized, most of my friends are female anyways! That was the first sign I recognized.
But you have to understand, I was terrified of setting a bad name for the trans community. I didn't want people to think that ALL trans people de-transition, which is not true in any capacity! It took me forever to gain the courage to make this choice and own it as MY OWN choice, not anyone else's.
Now, why Lilly?
Well my birth-given name is Leeann Rodriguez, but it was a lot for a little girl, so my family shortened it to Lilly.
It was a lot more common for people to refer to me as Lilly rather than Leeann when I was a kid. Also, I wanted something that held significance rather than just putting a spin on Ethan, like Emma or Emily.
I couldn't ignore the name Leeann was a door I closed a while ago, so I couldn't comfortably accept the name without a lot of hesitation. So, Lilly gave me what I needed! It held significance and it made me comfortable! It was a simple decision compared to the harder decisions I've had to make during this process.
So Lilly it was, the new and improved me! A more comfortable me who can now, say this.
I don't speak for the entire LGBTQ+ community when I walk out the door just because I identify as queer. I have gone through what most people will consider "phases" where I thought I, was one thing when in fact I was not. Though after months of annoyingly constant over-thinking, I realized that being human is all about making mistakes, but we live in a society where making mistakes is shunned upon. So, knowing that, I can no longer be afraid of the those who want to and will criticize me for making my own decisions. I am Lilly, a girl who knows herself better in her short 16 years than those in their 30's.
So,
Hi I'm Lilly!
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