TSDT - 53

In mid-December, the entire country was shrouded in the cold gloom of winter, except for this southern island, which remained warm with an average temperature of over twenty degrees.

It had been drizzling since last night, and it only gradually started to clear up by noon today.

Jiang Ying stepped out onto the balcony. Before her lay coconut groves, a beach, and azure waters. The sky was still a bit hazy, and the gentle breeze and humid air soothed her.

She had actually fled in a panic before he returned.

It was nothing more than a delaying tactic.

Yesterday, she hadn’t replied to Meng Jingshu’s messages. When he returned to Zebian, she was already on a plane heading to this island. After landing, her phone had many missed calls and messages. She didn’t examine each one closely, stubbornly passing judgment on their relationship:

“Let’s break up. Don’t contact me anymore.”

Then she blocked all his contact methods again. This time, she wasn’t as resentful as she had been in college; all her emotions seemed to have been hollowed out. She was as calm as a zombie.

She had run away, but she couldn’t remain unburdened; she still had to work, so her phone couldn’t be turned off.

Huang Yanfei occasionally gave her live updates—

“Zheng Yifeng said he saw him at the law firm looking for you.”

Lawyers were considered freelancers; as long as they managed their own cases, the law firm didn’t require attendance, so he naturally couldn’t know her whereabouts.

“Ah! I just saw it! He posted on his朋友圈 (Moments) last night! My goodness, the last time he posted was probably in college!”

She sent a screenshot. Jiang Ying held back, but couldn’t control herself and opened it.

It was the mint plant, half green, half withered. He didn’t care about the lighting or angle, just took a random ugly photo. But the text made her heart ache: Where’s mommy?

Many high school classmates expressed surprise below this status. Jiang Ying had posted photos of the mint plant on her Moments before, and someone recognized it, commenting: “That coffee cup... Is that Jiang Ying’s mint plant?”

Subsequent comments intensified the shock.

But Meng Jingshu didn’t reply to any of them.

Jiang Ying checked the posting time; it was after her plane landed, before she told him they were breaking up. He probably had just gotten home, found she wasn’t there, her luggage was gone, and couldn’t reach her at all.

He must have been anxious, and sad, right?

But because of Meng Jingshu, she had already been too sad.

She stared blankly for a while, patted her face, and continued working.

By the time the case materials were ready, the sky had turned from cloudy to clear. The tropical sunlight pierced through the thick clouds, purifying the earlier gloom.

No one longs for brightness and tires of winter’s darkness, which is why they come here to escape.

Jiang Ying changed into flip-flops and went for a walk on the beach.

The hotel had an underground passage directly to the beach, which was very convenient.

It wasn’t yet peak season, so there weren’t too many tourists. She held a coconut, enjoying the breeze and taking a stroll, which should have been a very pleasant thing, but she didn’t feel particularly happy.

However, it had rained in the morning, and the sand hadn’t dried completely, sticking to her feet and being annoying.

Jiang Ying simply found a beach chair and sat down, no longer walking, trying hard to fight off the sand clinging to her feet.

She looked down, rubbing her feet, when she suddenly heard someone call her.

She looked up in surprise; the person, dressed like a typical tourist, was walking over from not far away.

“Deng Mingke? You’re here too.”

Deng Mingke smiled slightly and sat down in a nearby chair.

“I’m here for an exchange program with a school here. I just arrived at noon and came out for a walk during my free time.”

“Oh,” Jiang Ying put on her shoes and said, “I’m here for a vacation.”

She sat up straight, no longer as casual as before.

Deng Mingke sighed softly and said, “I thought we had a lot of fate.”

Jiang Ying paused, “I’m sorry, I didn’t handle my own affairs well and made you misunderstand.”

Deng Mingke said, “Actually, the first time we met, I felt that gentleman was hostile towards me.”

Jiang Ying also remembered that Deng Mingke had asked then if Meng Jingshu was her boyfriend, and she had denied it.

She twisted the corner of her mouth, not wanting to bring up that matter again.

Deng Mingke didn’t press, only saying, “I don’t know if we’ll have a chance to meet again in the future, but, it was a pleasure to meet you.”

Jiang Ying appreciated his magnanimity and grace, genuinely saying, “Thank you.”

Deng Mingke looked forward and said, “Winter here is so comfortable. No wonder so many people come here to celebrate the New Year.”

In the evening, the tropical sky was still brightly lit, showing no signs of nightfall. The azure water, driven by gravity, swayed as it surged towards the shore and receded, the edge of the beach being gradually encroached upon.

“Yes, Zebian is too cold, so I ran here to soak up the sun.” Jiang Ying’s smile was as light as the wind. “Didn’t expect it to be raining here though.”

“The weather forecast says tomorrow will be a sunny day.”

“Unfortunately, I’m going back tomorrow.”

“Zebian will have good weather too.”

“Let’s hope so.”

________________________________________

“Baby! Meng Jingshu just called me!”

“Huh?”

Jiang Ying had just returned to her small apartment in the evening and immediately took a shower. She was applying lotion in front of the mirror when Huang Yanfei called.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t tell him where you went, or that you’re back.”

“Oh... that’s good.”

“But... he checked the driving recorder and saw Fu Xuan, so he called to ask me about you and Fu Xuan, and I told him...”

Jiang Ying paused her face-wiping motion. “Hmm, just tell him. Even if he knows, nothing will change.”

“Ah? Are you really decided?”

“Mm, I don’t want to overthink things anymore.”

“But you should at least talk to him properly, right? Breaking up so vaguely. I heard his voice sounded pretty tired just now, probably from searching for you so much.”

Jiang Ying lowered her eyelids and said, “I will. Once I move my things to your place tomorrow, I’ll contact him.”

In the past two days, she had quickly posted a sublet notice for her apartment online. Someone was very interested and had already arranged to view the apartment tomorrow. Jiang Ying hadn’t found another suitable apartment yet, so she planned to stay at Huang Yanfei’s place for a while.

As for the reason, it was, of course, to avoid Meng Jingshu, not wanting him to find her. A breakup could only be discussed in a public place, especially when one party was unwilling; it would be impossible to discuss it in a private space.

“Hmm, should I take half a day off tomorrow to help you move? We could even call Zheng Yifeng to be a mover.”

“No need, I can move everything in two trips myself. Plus, I still have to go to the court and prosecutor’s office tomorrow, so I probably won’t get to your place until dark. Can you prepare a generous takeout meal for your heartbroken friend who’s still struggling with life?”

Huang Yanfei scoffed at her: “You could also choose not to be heartbroken.”

Jiang Ying mumbled, “You promised me you’d support whatever decision I made.”

“Alright, alright, of course I support you. What’s so great about men! But then again...”

“But what now?”

“But if you two break up, wouldn’t that person surnamed Fu be ecstatic?”

Jiang Ying was silent for a moment, then said, “But isn’t my own ease more important than making her uncomfortable?”

Huang Yanfei asked, “Are you really at ease then?”

“I...”

The night in the small apartment was no different than usual. Construction on the road below occasionally sent up the noise of drilling and piling; being near a hospital, there were occasional urgent sirens from ambulances; the next-door neighbor still had their TV volume turned up high, broadcasting the evening news; the air conditioner in the room was blowing hot air, wheezing like an old man...

Before Jiang Ying could “I” out a complete thought, she heard a rapid series of footsteps. Her heart racing, she could barely speak.

Then came a violent knocking on the door, with such force that she felt the bed vibrate across the entire room.

“Jiang Ying, open the door!”

Even Huang Yanfei on the phone heard it. She said in surprise, “He found you? I really didn’t tell him you were back!”

Jiang Ying was also very shocked. Had she been back for less than half an hour?

The knocking continued.

“I know you’re in there, open the door!”

Jiang Ying had never heard him so angry with anyone before. His deep, playful voice had turned into cannon fire, and she was so rattled that her mind was in chaos. She wasn’t ready to deal with this.

But the more she hesitated, the more force he used, as if he was in a contest to see which would break first, his hand or the door. The thumping echoed down the hallway.

Jiang Ying said to Huang Yanfei, “I’ll hang up now.”

On the other end, Huang Yanfei quickly yelled, “Take it easy! What if you piss him off and he hits you?!”

“...”

She hung up the phone, pulled up her clothes zipper, and then walked to the door.

During his pause, she bent two fingers and knocked lightly, a soft “thud.”

Both their hearts trembled.

Meng Jingshu indeed stopped knocking. He was quiet for a while, as if only then regaining his normal voice. He still said, “Open the door.”

The day she left, Jiang Ying had returned to her small apartment first and changed the lock, specifically to prevent him from entering and catching her off guard. She never expected him to find her so quickly.

Jiang Ying said, “If you have something to say, just say it like this. Otherwise, we can meet up outside in a couple of days to talk.”

Meng Jingshu did not back down: “I want to see you now.”

Jiang Ying remained silent.

Meng Jingshu didn’t waste any more words and immediately started banging on the door again.

The deafening noise forced Jiang Ying to open the door.

The moment he entered, he hugged her. There were no words, but the force was startling. Perhaps for a moment, he thought of crushing her to death in his embrace.

He was wrapped in the coolness of the night, and Jiang Ying shivered from the chill that enveloped her.

So, even his embrace could be cold.

Jiang Ying gritted her teeth, enduring the painful squeeze without a sound, like a stiff piece of wood in his arms.

Meng Jingshu remained silent with her, but finally, he was the first to speak. It was always him who couldn’t hold back. Was it because of this that she felt so emboldened, becoming more and more outrageous?

He loosened his grip a bit, saying somewhat sulkily, “I know Fu Xuan came to see you, and I also know about her causing you to lose your postgraduate recommendation. But I won’t apologize to you.”

Jiang Ying’s voice was colder than his clothes: “It’s all in the past. I didn’t want your apology either. I just don’t want to be with you anymore.”

Jiang Ying felt his chest rise and fall, his neck muscles tense, his hands gripping her shoulders, his body trying its best to control the waves stirred by her words. He finally released his hold on her, pulling back a little, staring intently into her eyes.

“Reason?”

His eyes were a dark, deep pool. She instinctively avoided them after touching them.

“I don’t like you anymore,” she said instinctively.

“You’re lying.”

“Believe it or not, the result is the same.”

Her passive response frustrated him: “What did Fu Xuan say to you? You’d rather believe her than me? Don’t you know how I feel about you?”

Jiang Ying lowered her head, not speaking.

Meng Jingshu hated her disregard for him. How could she do whatever she wanted to him, and then casually say she was leaving without a care?

He said, “Do you know why I won’t apologize to you? Because you don’t trust me, you’ve never trusted me, which is why you never told me about something like losing your postgraduate recommendation. Didn’t I tell you not to let others bully you, and to come to me if anything happened? Do you think I say such things to just anyone? Moreover, this matter started because of me, and you said nothing, just sentenced me! From beginning to end, did you ever think about me? How useless, how ridiculous I am! I didn’t know a damn thing!”

Bringing up old matters, Jiang Ying found it utterly tiresome: “What if I had told you? What if you had known? Would time rewind, would the spot come back? Or would you break up with your beautiful girlfriend and stand by me without hesitation?”

“How do you know I wouldn’t!”

Jiang Ying felt pain all over from his gaze. She inhaled sharply and said softly, “But time doesn’t rewind. Looking back from now doesn’t represent the choice made at that time. Back then, I brought it upon myself; I harvested what I sowed, and I will bear it myself. But every time I recall these things, I feel so tired, and you, you also make me very tired. Aren’t you asking for a reason? Is this reason enough?”

Meng Jingshu shook his head stubbornly. He reached out to hold her hand: “In the future, we won’t mention it again. If you feel unhappy, don’t think about it, forget it, okay?”

“I can’t forget it,” she said, exhausted.

“There’s still so much future ahead, it will pass eventually. You yourself said, it’s already in the past, you said it!” He was as stubborn as a child.

Jiang Ying was quiet for a while, then repeated, “I just don’t want to be with you anymore.”

His eyes instantly reddened: “Why on earth?!”

Why?

Because I’m petty, I fret over my worth in your heart. I hate that you like me the same way you liked others. I hate that you didn’t like me the most, as early as I liked you the most. I hate you, hate you so much that I can’t help but hurt you. Because I hate this ugly self I’ve become because of you, so ugly that I can’t tell you the truth.

She slowly withdrew her hand from his palm: “I said, many things have no why. When you want to be together, you are; now I don’t.”

Each word was a sharp blade: “So, I don’t want you anymore.”

“Then who do you want?!” His voice was hoarse, as if his vocal cords were bleeding. “That lecturer from Ze University? Or the colleague who always drives you home after business trips?! Who else do you want?!”

Jiang Ying said coldly: “Anyway, not you.”

“You wish.”

His voice suddenly turned cold, and the next moment, he lifted her into his arms.

“Meng Jingshu!”

He ignored her, walked a few steps, and threw her onto the bed, then pressed himself down on her. He disregarded her resistance, disregarded the surging resentment in his heart, and stubbornly sought intimacy.

He was desperate, eager to use desire to eliminate the barrier between them.

He was like a custom-made tool, precisely pleasing her body.

But Jiang Ying felt a deep aversion.

“It’s always like this... this is all you know, this is all we have between us.”

He stiffened at her words, then worked even harder.

His body was so hot, yet she only remembered the chilling air that silently permeated his underground garage that day, making her shiver.

She remembered Fu Xuan’s sharp voice yelling at her: “You’re just like me, you’re no different than me!”

Was she like her?

Jiang Ying looked at the mottled white ceiling and suddenly smiled faintly.

“Meng Jingshu, I slept with someone else.”

He froze, then looked up at her.

“You didn’t.” Just three words, as if they took all his strength.

Jiang Ying said quietly, “It was Deng Mingke. I ran into him yesterday, right near the hotel I’m staying at. What a coincidence, isn’t it? Just like when I ran into you at the KTV entrance, that night, it was too much of a coincidence.”

It was only then that Jiang Ying finally looked at him closely. She saw his face, haggard and fierce from lack of rest, and saw his forced stubbornness instantly turn into despair. She was like a demon, mockingly enjoying his brokenness, her dark pupils black holes, sucking everything around her, including the air, into oblivion.

He felt crushed by immense air pressure, as if he might turn into bloody mud.

________________________________________

He indeed left.

The house was empty, with only her inside. She sat up, her heart a void.

Is this it? Is this what you wanted?

There was no answer.

She sat for a long time, numb, even the weariness gone, as if her body no longer belonged to her.

She didn’t know how much time had passed, when she heard the sound of the doorknob turning in the utter silence.

Her heart pounded furiously, thumping, thumping, almost bursting through her chest.

She stared fixedly at the door.

It opened.

The light from the hallway cast a long shadow.

Meng Jingshu slammed the door shut with a bang, shaking the entire house.

And her heart too.

“How did you... have a key?” She couldn’t help but voice her surprise.

Meng Jingshu said, “Your keys are always hanging by the entrance. Only a fool wouldn’t know that.”

Her body gradually regained sensation, and she actually started to tremble, her voice shaking slightly: “If you’re not a fool, then why did you come back? Didn’t you understand what I said?”

He stared intently at her, saying, “Just now outside, I was thinking, if I left today, I would never look back again.”

“Then... don’t look back.”

“But I came back.”

He walked towards her step by step, and with each step closer, the glimmer in her eyes became more apparent.

“When I was outside, I at least figured out one thing.”

“What?”

“You’re tormenting me. Ever since we met again, you’ve been tormenting me.”

His words seemed to suddenly touch a raw nerve, breaking through her barrier. She reacted intensely: “Why would I torment you? What right do I have to torment you!”

“I don’t know,” he gritted his teeth, “I’ve never known what you’re thinking.”

She laughed desolately: “Isn’t that fair, because I don’t know what you’re thinking either.”

“If you don’t know, ask. Why don’t you ask? Anything you want to know, I’ll tell you. But you yourself say nothing!” His eyes were bloodshot, frighteningly red.

“Why is it always like this, you do whatever you want? You want to hug me, you hug me; you want to kiss me, you kiss me; then you leave after sleeping with me, you’re so damn carefree! To avoid me, you even skipped the class gathering. Do you know how many people at every gathering ask me what happened between us, but I don’t even know what happened! All these things, you don’t even give me the right to know! Am I a plaything? You block me whenever you want, you disappear whenever you want. Did you ever ask me anything?!”

“Why should I ask? If you want to know, you can come and ask me yourself. Why wait for me to ask?!”

“Alright, alright.” Resentment and anger surged to his head. He nodded unconsciously, “Jiang Ying...”

His chest rose and fell several times, a thousand troops surging within him, pushing all his rationality away, urging him on.

Speak, speak quickly.

He couldn’t think, and blurted out: “Let’s register for marriage, tomorrow.”

As the words left his mouth, Jiang Ying was stunned.

He was burning up, his blood boiling, in a state of extreme excitement. All the pain vanished. Yes, this was his truest thought deep down. He didn’t want to keep guessing, didn’t want to live in fear of loss. He wanted to confirm, he wanted her to truly belong to him. Even if... even if she still had someone else in her heart, it didn’t matter. At least she still cared about him, otherwise, how could there be joy in her eyes when she saw him return? He was sure he hadn’t seen wrong.

As long as they were together forever, one day, everyone else would become the past. Marriage would bind them together, and no one else would ever fit between them.

Jiang Ying came back to her senses, breathing heavily, and swore at him: “Are you out of your mind! What kind of crazy talk is that!”

Crazy? Perhaps.

But he had never felt more clear-headed and joyful than now.

He lunged forward and hugged her tightly: “Marry me, Jiang Ying.” He even started to laugh, “Let’s get married.”

Jiang Ying was squeezed tightly, her face flushed crimson, her feet still desperately kicking him: “Get off! We haven’t even finished fighting, what kind of marriage is this?!”

He clamped her down, lying on the bed, pressing her tightly like a blanket with his long legs. He endured her struggles and curses: “Then keep cursing, curse until you’re happy. Once you’re happy, we’ll get married.” He kissed her forehead fiercely. “I just want to get married.”

“No, no!” Jiang Ying gasped, fighting back against him, “I won’t!”

He pressed her head down with his chin, his hands pushing her into his embrace: “If you don’t agree, don’t even think about getting out of bed. We’ll just starve to death in bed together.”

Jiang Ying buried her head, her voice muffled. Furious, unable to move her limbs, she savagely bit him. The man’s chest was smooth and firm; it didn’t hurt him, but it ended up wet from her chewing.

Meng Jingshu pressed her hips against him: “Don’t bite randomly. I’m excited right now; if I can’t control myself later, you’ll be the one suffering.”

What if she had truly betrayed him? He was already not clear-headed, and didn’t need to be. If he could have her, to live till dawn and die at dusk, it wouldn’t be a pity.

“You’ll know, I’m better than everyone else. You won’t want anyone else ever again.” His voice was deep like a demon’s spell.

His chest grew wetter, warm liquid trickling down. She trembled, choked, and collapsed in the emotional roller coaster, sobbing hysterically.

Meng Jingshu was right, she was tormenting him.

She was doing it on purpose.

Purposefully sleeping with him, purposefully teasing him, purposefully annoying him, purposefully being good to him, and then purposefully hurting him again and again. In the end, she was the most despicable one. She pretended not to care, never mentioning the past. Yet, she used love, used her lover, to fill her resentment.

She seemed to have a switch for his emotions in her hand; with a flick, his excitement would abruptly cease. His heart, soaked in her tears, grew sour and bitter, and the pain returned.

He lost his strength, unsure what to do. He could only gently caress her slender back, soothing her.

His voice unknowingly grew hoarse: “What’s wrong? You really don’t want to get married? Do you really not like me anymore?”

She was so despicable that even now, she couldn’t admit her fault to him.

She pounded his chest, her voice hoarse from crying, clinging and accusing him still: “Why, why... whatever you want, you just get...”

This was clearly her own wicked deed.

Yet, she greedily pleaded.

—If you love me, can you love me a little more, love even my bad side.

He couldn’t hear her inner voice, but he knew the guidance of his will. He always knew what he needed. For her, even if it was many years late, even if there were many twists and turns and scars in between, by now, he couldn’t turn back, because he had long categorized her as a must-have.

Meng Jingshu kissed her tears; those tears seemed to flow into his heart.

He said, “Then you call the shots, I’ll listen to you, okay? If you want to get married, we’ll get married tomorrow. If you don’t want to, I’ll wait. If you don’t want to for your whole life, I’ll wait for my whole life. Anyway, we’ll be together forever, and you can do whatever you want.”

—I will always be grateful to you, for being so steadfast even after I intentionally hurt and pushed you away time and again.

He pulled her tighter, his tone more solemn than ever: “I’ll be good to you, better than anyone else in the world.”

________________________________________

Jiang Ying made a cup of milk. Meng Jingshu came out after showering, and she was drinking by the counter, waiting for him.

She had cried herself hoarse just now, and Meng Jingshu had said all the gentle words he could muster in his life before gradually coaxing her into calmness.

Her skin was fair, and even now her eyes and the tip of her nose were noticeably swollen and red, making her look particularly pitiful.

He couldn’t resist going over and gently encircling her, kissing the top of her head.

Jiang Ying held the cup to his mouth, “Have some, it’s calming.”

It was like that night she first went to his house, she cried then too. At that time, he made her a cup of milk, as if comforting a frightened newborn.

Meng Jingshu shook his head, saying nothing.

Jiang Ying was exhausted from the emotional roller coaster, and he was no less so. She had stabbed him in the heart, and no matter how much he controlled himself and endured, it still hurt.

Jiang Ying was silent for a moment, then put the cup down.

She turned to face him, unable to help but touch his face. After a few days apart, his stubble had grown a lot; he hadn’t shaved, hadn’t slept well, and looked utterly颓废 (decadent/downcast).

It was all her fault.

The tropical sunlight couldn’t wash away the demon in her heart, but his quiet, soft gaze after great sorrow and joy could.

Jiang Ying whispered, “I lied to you just now, I didn’t sleep with anyone else. I only like you.”

Before she could react, she was locked in his embrace, his firm chin pressing hard against the top of her head.

Then, warm drops of water fell from above, sliding over her forehead and wetting her eyes.

She instinctively tried to look up in alarm, but he held her down tightly, not letting her see.

“Meng Jingshu...”

His Adam’s apple bobbed, and he said with difficulty, “Say you want me.”

Every word was warped by a sob, utterly hoarse. But it was the sweetest thing Jiang Ying had ever heard.

What fate was exhausted, what weariness had set in. As long as it was him, love would be reborn in ten thousand ways.