TSDT - 52

The night market was always bustling, with countless diners braving the cold weather, gathering in groups in this haven of junk food. The spices sprinkled by the chefs released an enticing aroma from the charcoal fires or rich broths, purifying the soul.

It was truly strange.

The more unhealthy the food, the more delicious it was.

Jiang Ying and Xu Jiahong sat in a corner of the barbecue restaurant, right by the window. This was the place she had wanted to come to with Meng Jingshu last time, but it was too popular, so they couldn’t. This time, Jiang Ying checked in advance and found she could get a number on the app, finally securing a precious spot.

“The motherland is still the best. I’ve missed this taste so much.”

Xu Jiahong had picked up some bad capitalist habits, ordering a huge table of food, acting as if he hadn’t eaten a full meal in America.

Jiang Ying had a blank expression, idly chatting with him.

After half a can of beer, Xu Jiahong finally couldn’t hold back and frowned, saying to her, “Hey, I’m the one who’s heartbroken, right? Why do you look so gloomy?”

Jiang Ying also opened a can of beer and drank it, completely disregarding someone’s warning. He had a social engagement tonight. Earlier, he had asked her what she was doing, and she vaguely said she was working overtime, so he didn’t ask further.

The bubbles burst in her throat, an indescribable thrill.

“What’s it to you what my expression is? It’s good enough I’m treating you.”

“Tsk, what a bad temper. Can’t you, you know, be a little gentler?”

“Pfft.”

“Haha, I just like having friends like you.”

“Hmph, you know what’s good for you.”

“But seriously, if your temper were a little softer, and you hadn’t been so stubborn back then, maybe you and Brother Meng would have gotten together ages ago. You have to be direct with men, say what you mean. You wouldn’t have needed to go through all that trouble asking me to set up a shady deal for you.”

Jiang Ying glanced at him, fiercely tearing into a chicken wing skewer: “Feifei told me something similar too.”

People around her always said “if this, if that,” as if there were countless possibilities for them to be together. Yet, she specifically chose this one.

“Hey, are you intentionally trying to annoy me?” Xu Jiahong felt a pang in his heart too. “What, after all these years, you still can’t let him go?”

Jiang Ying snorted: “Whoever’s heartbroken is the one who can’t let go.”

“...Alright, I can’t argue with you. Forget it. Come on, let’s have a drink.”

________________________________________

Several empty cans accumulated by her hand, a slight buzz setting in.

How many people use drunkenness to reveal their true feelings?

“Tell me, what’s so good about that person? And me, what am I lacking compared to him?” Xu Jiahong ultimately still cared about this.

Jiang Ying lazily said, “He’s kind, honest, and steady. You, on the other hand, are glib and clearly unreliable at first glance.”

“What ‘glib’? I’m... eloquent, you know? What’s wrong with talking a lot? If I didn’t like it, who’d want to talk so much?”

“Then perhaps it’s just not meant to be. It means Feifei doesn’t like you that much, doesn’t love you,” Jiang Ying smiled with narrowed eyes, waving her index finger left and right in the air. “You’re not the irreplaceable one in her heart. Forcing it won’t bring happiness.”

“...Damn it, are you here to comfort me or to piss me off?!”

She was a little drunk herself, and hearing him yell, she just laughed, taking another sip of beer.

“I’m serious, Xu Jiahong. If, and I mean if, if Feifei listened to the good things I said about you and thought there was a little bit of sense, and she should reconsider. Could you accept that? Could you be completely unfazed, wholeheartedly...”

Jiang Ying rolled her eyes, wanting to use more idioms to describe it, but Xu Jiahong waved his hand and finished the sentence for her.

“Gu Pan Sheng Hui, Hui... Huisa Ziru!” (Looking around, radiance glows. Radiance... flowing freely!)

“Well done!” Jiang Ying clapped her hands, laughing.

“Hahaha! I haven’t used idioms in ages, my brain seems even sharper after drinking tonight!”

“Huisa Ziru... Ru, ah... haven’t we come back to the start?”

“Yeah. What were you saying just now?”

“Just now? Oh... I was saying, what if, and I mean what if, Feifei suddenly felt she liked you again, would you accept it? Would you be willing to be the one who’s chosen, who’s compared? Like...” She picked up two skewers from the table to illustrate. “Like these two skewers of lamb, I tasted both and found this one spicier, and that one had more cumin. I think the spicy one tastes better, so I choose to eat this one clean... Would you be willing to be that skewer of lamb?”

“Damn it...” Xu Jiahong tugged at the corner of his mouth helplessly. “You, since you were little, you’ve been good at talking nonsense to advise people.”

“I’m good at shit!” She couldn’t even convince herself.

“I’m nothing in her eyes!” No matter what he said, his vexation remained, to be drowned in alcohol. The can was already empty, so Xu Jiahong called the waiter and ordered another case.

“Hey, drink less. You’re supposed to drive me home! What if you fall asleep in the car and we run into a perverted driver who dumps both our bodies?”

“Bah, bah, bah!”

Before leaving, Jiang Ying went to the restroom to relieve herself. When she returned, Xu Jiahong had already paid the bill. She waved the receipt in front of him.

“Class monitor? Are you so drunk you’ve lost your mind? Didn’t you keep saying you wanted me to treat you?”

“You believed that? Do you think I’d let a woman pay for me?!”

“Hmph.”

The taxi first detoured to Dongming Jiayuan, then headed back to Xu Jiahong’s residence. They hadn’t even reached the destination yet when Xu Jiahong, seeing the ornate and elegant carved stone gate from afar, got confused.

“Awesome, Jiang Ying, when did you move here?”

Jiang Ying ignored him.

“Hiss... who else was it...” He patted his head, remembering, “It’s Brother Meng! He seems to live around here too, right?! Have you ever run into him?”

“Idiot,” Jiang Ying snorted.

“Tsk! What did I tell you? Gentle, be gentle, Jiang Ying! Last I heard, Brother Meng was single, right? And you broke up with your ex-boyfriend too? This is a huge twist of fate! Why don’t you strike while the iron’s hot, so to speak?” Xu Jiahong, unaware of the complexities between them, was a typical oblivious matchmaker.

“Last time at the dinner, you openly showed him such an attitude, and he didn’t even mind? Why don’t you try again? If our class monitor can’t make a class couple, it’d be cool if you, the vice class monitor, did!”

“Go away, go away!”

Even in his sadness, she couldn’t stop his incessant chatter. Every word he spoke made a nerve twitch at the back of Jiang Ying’s head.

________________________________________

Thankfully, they arrived soon.

After getting out of the car, the entire world became utterly quiet, with only the sound of her heels clicking on the ground, one by one, jarringly loud.

She remembered why she hadn’t wanted to live here before—it was too big. Without a car, it would take at least ten minutes to walk from the entrance to Meng Jingshu’s building.

The night had a weight to it. The bone-chilling wind blew, and everything seemed to collapse on her like a landslide. In just over ten minutes, she was already exhausted.

________________________________________

The house was too empty and silent, even her breathing seemed to echo.

Jiang Ying was utterly exhausted, yet she couldn’t fall asleep.

The indoor temperature was pleasant, but she lay in bed until her feet grew cold.

She opened her eyes and looked at the dim surroundings, suddenly feeling very unfamiliar. This was her first time staying at his place alone. Earlier, he had called, but she didn’t answer, only texting that she was tired from overtime and was going to sleep.

She didn’t want to talk to him, didn’t want to hear his voice.

He was so warm when they embraced, so why did thinking about it now make her feel cold?

She had packed her hot water bottle in her luggage, thinking she would be staying at Huang Yanfei’s place, but unexpectedly, it came in handy now.

Jiang Ying squatted, hugging the hot water bottle, and reached for the socket with a charging cable. But her hand slipped absently, and the cable fell to the floor.

She sighed, bent down to pick it up, and suddenly saw a metallic object lying on the cabinet bottom, reflecting light.

She instinctively reached out to pull it out. The touch on her hand was cold; it was a gold-tubed lipstick.

It had English engraving on it.

Larissa.

How could this be so haunting?

Every single letter pierced her eyes.

She didn’t even have the strength to squat anymore, sinking to the floor and crying without warning.

Was it fun? Was it thrilling? Thinking she could sway his thoughts, feeling smug? But in the end, she was the one who was so heartbroken.

This must be the price—the price of being soft-hearted, the price of believing she was loved by him.

It was because he showed weakness, because he showed her his most vulnerable and secret side, believing that his arrogance was only shown to her, that she believed she was his only favored one.

The kind of relationship she wanted was exclusive; she wanted to be his unique one, and only she should know his weaknesses and fears. He gave similar treatment to others, even if only a little, and she hated it to the core.

She cared immensely.

She didn’t care about Fu Xuan, or anyone else. She only cared about Meng Jingshu.

It had been almost ten years.

He bore as much of her heart’s throbbing joy as he bore her disappointment and resentment.

From the very beginning, he was the only one she liked the most. Even later, when she was angry and wanted to forget him, she never liked anyone else that much again.

They didn’t know. They all said that the two of them had had plenty of chances to be together, that it was her pride and stubbornness, her unwillingness to take that step, otherwise he wouldn’t have refused, and there wouldn’t have been so many twists and turns between them.

But they knew nothing; she was not like that at all!

Not his non-refusal, not to become one of his girlfriends, what she wanted was his affection. Appearing cheerfully in front of him every day, foolishly finding excuses to talk to him, acting docile and clumsy, was just to make him care a little more, and just to tell him...

I’m so cute, won’t you like me?

But he didn’t.

Liking someone is uncontrollable; if he liked her, how could he bear not to tell her?

She would never beg for favor.

If he didn’t like her, didn’t like her enough, wasn’t her favorite, wasn’t so uncontrollably in love, then she wouldn’t want him.

It was the same now.

Even if he truly liked her, it was just the same kind of liking he had for others.

And she liked him the most.

This was unequal, unfair.

If Meng Jingshu didn’t like her the most, didn’t love her the most, then she wouldn’t want him.

Being handsome was useless, being rich was useless, making her happy was useless, warming her feet was useless, digging up mint and naming it with her was useless.

Not wanting him meant not wanting him.

She was simply unreasonable; when it came to him, nothing made sense.

If it were another man, she might be more forgiving; they were so compatible, why dwell on the past?

But Meng Jingshu was different. She was harsh with him, unreasonable, and petty.

Precisely because it was him, she couldn’t allow herself to feel wronged or sad.

Her heart was fried in oil and burned by fire, shattered again and again because of him.

Huang Yanfei had asked her if she could truly let go, if she could bear to leave him.

She said then, “When it comes down to it, cut it clean.”

Perhaps today was that day.

She never regretted the past, but she couldn’t let herself be obsessed, constantly guessing, hysterically seeking validation of his feelings. That was too tiring, too pathetic. Self-pity would make one wither.

She had to cut off her tail to survive.