NILWM - 22

The tip of her nose tingled, and the corners of her eyes felt hot. If it were possible to kill someone with a look, she would have glared at Han Joo-hyuk until he collapsed, but she couldn’t stand it any longer.

“You should take care of your feelings on your own, Senior. No one, not just me, can understand or accept those feelings...”

Ye-seo turned around. She didn’t want to face Han Joo-hyuk anymore.

“Ye-seo.”

His call came from behind her, but she didn’t stop walking. After only a few steps, the alley ended and the busy road came into view. It was a Friday night, and the narrow street was crowded with people.

Ye-seo desperately walked through the crowds. The street was as familiar as the palm of her hand, so even though her vision was blurry, her legs moved on their own. When she finally came to her senses, she was already home.

The unlit living room was lonely. Her mother Lee Kyung-eun’s voice could be heard faintly from behind her tightly closed bedroom door.

• “I’m telling you, I’m fine. It’s only a little past 11, so what? I’d much rather talk to my son for another hour than sleep. Jung-woo, it’s almost Chuseok. What are you going to do if you can’t come? I’d close the pharmacy and go visit you if I could, but I can’t... Mom feels so bad.”

Her mother usually went to bed at 10 p.m. at the latest. After 9 p.m., she’d often doze off, claiming she was losing all her energy, but the voice Ye-seo heard now was more energetic than ever.

My daughter. My Ye-seo.

Ye-seo suppressed the words she had never heard before and walked into the bathroom. Even while washing up, she felt like tears would burst out, so she quickly finished her shower, biting her lip tightly.

The moment she entered her room, her phone buzzed with a message. Her heart sank. Her fingertips trembled as she opened her bag and took out her phone. It might be him. He might apologize now, and maybe...

[Ye-seo, you got home okay, right? It’s a Friday, so it’s a shame we didn’t stay out longer. Haha. So, what are you doing this weekend? Do you want to go see a movie? We could go to an art museum or somewhere else you like.]

Choi In-ha’s usual emojis were at the end of every sentence. Ye-seo sank onto the bed. A drop of water fell from the ends of her still-wet hair. A teardrop fell next to it, blurring the center of the phone screen.

[I got home safe, Oppa.]

She tried to hold them back, but the tears just kept coming.

[But I think I’ll be a bit busy this weekend and won’t be able to go out. My mom has a pharmacist association meeting tomorrow afternoon, so I have to watch the pharmacy with Su-min unnie. My maternal grandmother is coming on Sunday... I’m sorry. Let’s meet after Chuseok.]

[Oh, I see. Then I’ll see you at school on Monday. Since the holiday starts on Wednesday, we’ll get to see each other two more days before then.]

[Yeah. Well, good night!]

She even sent a smiling emoji before putting her phone down. A sudden sob broke out. Ye-seo didn’t turn off the lights and pulled the blanket over her head.

“I have no intention of dating anyone.”

Han Joo-hyuk’s dry voice echoed in her mind and wouldn’t leave.

“Emotional labor is exhausting. I just don’t like getting emotionally entangled and swayed by others.”

She could understand that. Many people, both women and men, avoid relationships for that very reason. But even those people end up dating and getting close to someone eventually. They meet someone they like so much they don’t want to lose them, making their past reasons for avoiding relationships meaningless.

I guess I wasn’t that person for him.

She was on his mind, but not enough for him to endure the emotional labor to make her his girlfriend and to have her.

Ye-seo cried for a long time under her blanket. She held her breath, afraid the sound would leak out and interrupt her mother’s call, where she was affectionately checking in with her son like a lover.

Maybe it wouldn’t matter if they heard her crying. No, it wouldn’t matter. She was always the kind of kid who took care of herself well, so they didn’t have to worry about her. Min Ye-seo was always like that.

A child that didn’t require much care, so they didn’t have to give her much affection. A daughter who wasn’t cherished.

And a junior he didn’t feel a deep enough pull for to be afraid of losing.

________________________________________

It was a day in late September. The change of seasons, with its wide temperature swings, had passed, and autumn was in full swing. The five-day holiday break had passed in the blink of an eye, and it was now Saturday. Ye-seo had been half out of her mind all Chuseok while helping her mother at the pharmacy.

“Oh, seriously, this won’t do. Go out and get some fresh air and walk around! Or just go home and lie down.”

Jo Su-min, who had come to work at the end of the holiday, couldn’t stand it anymore and forcibly pushed her out the door.

“I’m fine. I’m not sick or anything...”

“Ye-seo, be honest with me. I won’t say a word to the pharmacist. Were you secretly dating someone and did you break up? Huh?”

“No, it’s not that.”

A weak, empty laugh was all she could manage. Ye-seo left the pharmacy to avoid Su-min’s curiosity. She was about to go home to write when she remembered that Chae-rin’s birthday was coming up soon. To clear her head for a bit, she thought she’d go to a large shopping center to buy a gift in advance.

There was a moderately priced store that Chae-rin liked in the shopping mall connected to the nearby subway station. She usually only went there during the cheapest seasonal sales, but since she, Sae-eun, and Mi-joo had decided to split the cost of the birthday gift, a new item in a reasonable price range seemed fine.

As she looked around the store alone, she regretted not coming with her friends. There were so many beautiful items that it was difficult to choose.

Ye-seo just took pictures for now and went out to the outdoor terrace connected to the store. A rooftop bar run by a celebrity was on the floor above, and cheerful music was playing.

“Hey, Han Joo-hyuk. You’re seriously...”

Just then, she heard someone’s sweet, nasal voice. Ye-seo, who had been sitting on a bench in the corner, involuntarily lifted her head.

A group of people, half foreigners and half Koreans, were sitting at a rooftop table beyond the railing. Some of them had gotten up and were lightly swaying to the music or chugging beer from bottles, creating a relaxed atmosphere.

And Han Joo-hyuk was standing face to face with a woman she had never seen before. His back was turned to Ye-seo, so she couldn’t see his expression, but it was clear at a glance that he and the woman were quite intimate.

“Stay a little longer—what’s the rush? Huh?”

The woman looked to be no older than her mid-to-late twenties. Her hair was stylishly tied up, and the figure revealed by her knit dress was slender and sensual. Her sweet, nasal voice, slightly slurred pronunciation, and exotic vibe made her seem like she might be Korean-American.

“Sorry. I’m late.”

“Okay. Can’t be helped, I guess. But you have to be at the Rosemont by 9 p.m. tomorrow night, okay? I’ve booked a room, so let’s have some private time, just the two of us. Okay? It’s the last day of the holiday break, after all.”

The woman hugged him and gave him a peck on the cheek. Han Joo-hyuk pushed her away and pulled his body back. But he didn’t seem to be annoyed or dislike it. She couldn’t see his face, but she was sure.

Han Joo-hyuk gave a nonchalant nod to the group leaning on the table and headed for the exit. The woman who had hugged him and said a regretful goodbye had also disappeared into the crowd somewhere.

Ye-seo sat on the bench like a stone. Her heart began to pound wildly. She found herself climbing the stairs that led to the rooftop. But the moment the server at the front asked if she was with anyone since it was full, she involuntarily turned back.

“Oh, no. I’m in the wrong place! I’m sorry.”

Han Joo-hyuk had already disappeared. It seemed he had taken the elevator next to the entrance down. She wanted to see the woman who had so freely hugged him again, but she didn’t have the courage to go inside.

Ye-seo barely managed to move her shaking legs and left the shopping mall. She looked around the meeting plaza, the arcade leading to the station, and the main street in a daze, before finally coming to her senses with a start.

Min Ye-seo, what are you doing right now...?

She was shocked to find herself subconsciously searching for Han Joo-hyuk. What would she even do if she found him?

Would she grab him and demand to know who that woman was, what their relationship was that they hugged so casually and she even kissed his cheek, and if it was just a simple greeting, but that it was too close and intimate to be?

“You have to be at the Rosemont by 9 p.m. tomorrow night, okay? I’ve booked a room, so let’s have some private time, just the two of us. Okay? It’s the last day of the holiday break, after all.”

The Rosemont was a recently opened British-style hotel. It was located near the Han River, not far from here. The last words, let’s have some private time in the room, just the two of us, echoed in her ears.

“Hey. She’s so pretty. Her body is, whoa—but why is she just standing there looking so dazed?”

“I know. Should we go talk to her?”

“Nah, don’t. You can tell she’s waiting for her boyfriend.”

A group of men passed by and chattered, but she heard nothing. How much time had passed? Ye-seo was standing blankly in the middle of the plaza when she was jolted back to reality by the sound of her phone ringing. It was her mother.

• “Where are you? Su-min said she sent you home because you didn’t look well. Are you home?”

“Oh... no. I came to the Y Station mall to buy Chae-rin a gift.”

• “Oh, really? That’s perfect. I was just about to buy some winter clothes for Jung-woo and send them to him. That brand he likes is there, right? Can you go there and take a bunch of pictures of the jackets and coats and send them to me?”

Ye-seo plopped down on a bench. She wanted to scream that she wasn’t in the right state of mind to do that, but she held it in. Even as she headed back to the mall and the menswear department, Han Joo-hyuk’s back was all she could see.

She felt like she was going crazy. In a way, she already wasn’t in her right mind. She was desperate to know what kind of man Han Joo-hyuk really was, to know the truth about him.

Was the person he was at school not his true self? Did he actually enjoy extremely liberal and open relationships? Is that why he said they could never date, even though she was on his mind and he wasn’t completely indifferent to her? Was it because it would be too difficult to just casually hang out and part ways like normal?

All sorts of thoughts filled her mind. Even while taking pictures of clothes to send to her mother, she had to struggle to keep herself from opening his chat window.

How pathetic, Min Ye-seo. To still be so hung up on him after being rejected twice.

Tears of self-loathing pricked her eyes. She felt like a fool for not being able to completely shake him off, even after seeing and hearing that scene and conversation firsthand.