#11: Destruction

The road was empty late at night. Yu Jiache’s place was quite remote. The quiet night enveloped the dim streetlights, softening their glow.

“Let’s go.”

Lu Zhou completely ignored Shen Yihuan’s surprised expression and continued walking forward.

Shen Yihuan walked behind him. He wore a black short-sleeved shirt and black jeans, highlighting his attractive narrow waist and long legs.

Yet, his back view conveyed a strange sense of loneliness.

Like a drifting piece of driftwood in the vast ocean, unable to see where it came from or where it was going.

A feeling of being rootless.

Pedestrians were scarce on the road, but the subway station had more people.

It was summer vacation, and there was even a student couple, likely just finished with a cram school. They still carried bags with the names of tutoring institutions printed on them.

The subway hadn’t arrived yet.

Shen Yihuan tilted her head, observing the two young people. They were still excitedly discussing math problems, occasionally uttering words she’d heard but completely didn’t understand. If it weren’t for their intertwined fingers, one wouldn’t even know they were a couple.

They must be academic overachievers.

Shen Yihuan made her conclusion.

Because she and Lu Zhou never had such conversations before.

The subway entered the station.

There happened to be two seats left.

Shen Yihuan’s thigh brushed against his pant leg, and she suddenly felt a little warm.

“Lu Zhou.”

Due to the crowding, their arms were pressed together. It felt like a long time since they’d been this close.

It gave her an illusion, as if time had flowed backward to their high school years, when they were deskmates, elbow to elbow.

“Have you... not been well these past few years?”

He lowered his gaze, saying faintly, “I’m alright.”

“I never saw you cry before.”

The girl’s voice was very soft, her teeth chattering slightly, with an uncontrollable guilt.

She truly hadn’t understood before.

Her life back then had been smooth sailing. Though her parents might have lacked in emotional care, they ensured her material comfort. She also had a group of friends whom she considered “cool” at that age, from all walks of life, her bad influences.

Everyone treated her with deference. Even the girls at school who disliked her would look at her with envy when they gossiped.

She enjoyed, got used to, and complacently accepted others’ kindness toward her.

Even when she told Lu Zhou she was breaking up, she was willful.

It wasn’t until her mother remarried Shi Zhenping that she realized these things should be met with gratitude; no one was obligated to be unconditionally good to you.

Lu Zhou stared intently at the two people reflected in the opposite glass, his head resting against the car wall, chin raised, looking nonchalant.

He finally just hummed in response.

Shen Yihuan’s thumb sharply pinched the pad of her index finger, hard enough to immediately leave a deep red indentation. Fingers are connected to the heart.

“I’m sorry...”

“It’s fine,” he answered crisply.

Shen Yihuan felt increasingly like a terrible person.

She wasn’t apologizing for that breakup, but for the hurt she had inflicted on Lu Zhou over the past five years.

She wanted to say more, but the words felt too pale and powerless once they reached her lips.

The subway arrived at the next station.

Lu Zhou suddenly stood up and helped an elderly lady into his seat.

He was inherently a very gentle person, and it was a subconscious act as a soldier.

Shen Yihuan hadn’t even reacted yet. She had been in a daze all evening. She looked up, and Lu Zhou was already standing in front of her.

He was tall; he didn’t need to reach for the hanging strap. He simply raised his hand slightly to grasp the horizontal bar, his gaze level, looking at the darkness flashing by outside.

He wasn’t like most young people his age, constantly glued to their phones. For him, a phone was mostly just a communication tool.

“Lu Zhou,” Shen Yihuan softly called his name again.

He lowered his eyes.

“I sent you a WeChat message before, but then I realized...” She pursed her lips, not even understanding why she was so soft-spoken now. Perhaps she was shocked by the reality of Lu Zhou having cried.

She paused slightly. “Can I add you again?”

He stared at Shen Yihuan for a while, seeming to look into her soul through her eyes.

To dig out her deceitful heart and see if it had any conscience.

Shen Yihuan felt intimidated by his gaze, as if to prove that her request was truly without ulterior motives.

She added weakly, “Even if we can’t be lovers, we can still be friends, right?”

Lu Zhou, whose hand had just released the horizontal bar and was reaching for his phone, suddenly paused.

“No need.”

The atmosphere became stagnant again.

Fortunately, everyone on the train was looking down at their phones, so no one paid them any attention.

Shen Yihuan, of course, knew she could just re-add Lu Zhou since she already had him. She could just re-send a friend request from her contact list, but she didn’t want to.

They transferred once, finally arriving at Shen Yihuan’s home.

Shen Yihuan was very troubled.

Lu Zhou seemed unchanged, yet he also seemed to have changed.

“Last time at the hospital, I saw you hugging a woman. Was she your girlfriend?”

“What?” he asked.

“Just a hug...” She felt frustrated. “A doctor.”

Lu Zhou recalled, “No, she wasn’t.”

Shen Yihuan blinked, turning her head to look at the man who was more than half a head taller than her. His jaw was firm, his features calm, and she could see a faint mole on his earlobe.

“Do you still like me?” she suddenly asked, summoning her courage.

Lu Zhou stopped. There was a faint, bitter scent of tobacco on him.

He only looked at her, but said nothing, his eyes already brewing a storm.

Shen Yihuan, emboldened, felt all her docile pretense naturally失效 around Lu Zhou. “Do you want to come to my place... sit for a while?”

His eyes darkened further. When he spoke, he seemed to be struggling to control himself. “Shen Yihuan, what exactly do you want?”

“I don’t want anything,” Shen Yihuan grabbed his hand. “I just regret it.”

His hand was caught by Shen Yihuan.

She wielded that sharp blade again, the blade that could easily decide his life or death.

Lu Zhou knew that even a moment of wavering would cause him to fall into her trap again, becoming prey within her grasp.

“Have you forgotten why you broke up with me?”

Shen Yihuan was startled.

“Aren’t you afraid I’ll tie you up, lock you in the house, not let you talk to anyone else, and make you stay only with me?”

Shen Yihuan subconsciously took a step back.

Then he smiled. “Shen Yihuan, I’m already controlling myself enough. Don’t provoke me. You know, when it comes to you, I often can’t control myself.”

Shen Yihuan was still in a bewildered state.

Neither advancing nor retreating.

Lu Zhou looked at her. “Still planning to let me come up and sit?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Try it.”

________________________________________

What cannot be held tightly in hand can only be destroyed.

How I long to lock you in a sunless room, how I long to dig out every part of your heart that belongs to others, piece by piece. How I long to be tangled with you, indistinguishable, how I long to possess you again and again, to hear your cries, to see your fear, to see your submission, until you no longer dare to leave me.

But in reality, I can only follow behind you, timid and subservient, without dignity, without boundaries, like a dog, coming and going at your beck and call.

My love is heavy, selfish, dark, and desperate, and I love you.

Sometimes I really want to destroy you.

But other times.

I just want to love you well.