WIFTY - 56

I’m not sad at all anymore.
Probably because she’s sad for me.
—Zhang Lurang

The Spring Festival of the following year, during the winter break of her sophomore year.

The night before New Year’s Eve.

As usual, Su Zaizai called Zhang Lurang after taking a shower and crawled into bed.

She lay on her stomach, wearing earphones, and picked up her diary from the bedside table. Using her teeth, she pulled off the pen cap and slowly began writing words in it.

Soon, Zhang Lurang’s voice flowed through the phone line, entering her ears.

His voice was low and slightly hoarse, occasionally punctuated by a few coughs. “What are you doing?”

Su Zaizai smiled as she wrote, her eyes curved like crescents. “Writing you a love letter.”

Upon hearing this, Zhang Lurang paused for a moment and asked, “What kind of love letter?”

Su Zaizai lowered her eyelids, her soft strands of hair falling messily around her face, a few strands landing on the notebook, which she gently brushed away.

She raised an eyebrow and said earnestly, “I’ll show it to you when you appear in my family’s household registration book.”

Zhang Lurang: “… “

After finishing the last word, Su Zaizai closed her diary and put it back in its place.

She reached out to turn off the lamp, and the sudden darkness made her feel a bit sleepy.

Thinking about tomorrow, Su Zaizai lazily asked, “Lurang, are you spending tomorrow with your uncle?”

Since starting university, Zhang Lurang had rarely returned to City B.

Su Zaizai only remembered him going back once during the summer vacation last year, leaving in the morning and returning in the evening.

Perhaps it was to see Zhang Luli before he went abroad.

Hearing this, Zhang Lurang fell silent and didn’t respond.

Su Zaizai closed her eyes, patiently repeating her question. Her voice was low and slow, as if she were about to fall asleep.

“Tomorrow’s New Year’s Eve. Are you spending it with your uncle?”

Zhang Lurang’s eyes were still on his computer screen as he replied absentmindedly, “No, he’s going back to City B to spend it with my grandparents.”

Hearing this, Su Zaizai’s eyes suddenly opened wide, and she cautiously asked, “Then why aren’t you going with your uncle to your grandparents’ place?”

While talking to her, Zhang Lurang tried not to get distracted.

He stood up, walked over to the bed, and sat down. After some thought, he answered seriously, “If I go back, there’ll be no one to take care of Susu.”

Su Zaizai didn’t ask further and followed his topic. “You make me feel so guilty for leaving my little short-legged pet behind.”

Zhang Lurang chuckled softly.

Mentioning it, Su Zaizai leaned over to glance at the pet bed beside the bed.

In the moonlight streaming through the window, she could faintly see her little short-legged pet sleeping with its eyes closed, occasionally opening them slightly at the sound of her voice but quickly drifting back to sleep.

Su Zaizai withdrew her gaze, suddenly unsure of what to say.

Through her earphones, she could hear his shallow, steady breathing—calm and unhurried.

Her lips moved slightly. She felt that in this atmosphere, she should say something.

Anything would do.

Before she could speak, Zhang Lurang beat her to it.

His voice was clear and cold, but softened just a touch because he was speaking to her.

“Go to sleep soon. Don’t you have to get up early tomorrow to visit relatives?”

Su Zaizai swallowed her words and finally asked one last question.

“So… will you be home alone tomorrow?”

Zhang Lurang returned to sit at the desk and lightly responded.

“Mm.”

________________________________________

The next evening, after finishing their New Year’s Eve dinner, Su Zaizai wandered into the yard as usual.

The small sapling that her father and she had planted together years ago had grown significantly thicker.

Su Zaizai walked over and touched it, feeling the coolness seep into her fingertips.

She glanced back, then walked over to the swing chair and sat down.

Pushing off with her feet, she swung backward and began swaying.

The swing chair was old, creaking with each movement, filling the yard with a rhythmic squeaking sound.

Su Zaizai thought back to three years ago when she had sent a WeChat message to Zhang Lurang from here.

At that time, she had just started to believe that Zhang Lurang might have feelings for her.

She had been struggling with mixed emotions of uncertainty and longing.

But what had he said then…?

Sniffling slightly, Su Zaizai opened her WeChat favorites.

Scrolling down, she found one particular entry dated February 9, 2013.

It contained a voice message.

Silently, Su Zaizai tapped to play it.

—”Let’s both apply to University Z.”

Back then, Su Zaizai had been deeply troubled by the prospect of their temporary separation.

She was immersed in her fervent affection for him and, as a result, wanted to go to the city where he was.

Without expecting anything in return, she simply wanted to be wherever he was.

But Zhang Lurang had said, “Together.”

He said, “Together.”

From inside the house came bursts of laughter, lively and warm.

On this winter night, it felt especially cozy.

A faint redness tinged Su Zaizai’s eyes, standing out vividly against her pale face.

She stood up, slowly pushed open the small iron gate of the yard, and walked out.

Because everyone was celebrating the holiday at home, the streets outside were nearly deserted, quiet and desolate.

Su Zaizai walked along this road, but eventually couldn’t hold back and started running.

Out of the neighborhood, she continued down the road, occasionally spotting groups of people walking together.

There weren’t many shops open nearby, and the night grew increasingly silent.

Su Zaizai arrived at the bus stop. There were no direct buses to her home from here—it wasn’t close, about an hour’s drive away.

While waiting, Su Zaizai sent a text message to her mother.

Half an hour later, she finally flagged down a taxi and got in.

The warmth inside the taxi brought some life back to her hands, which had stiffened from the cold wind.

Su Zaizai tapped open the chat window with Zhang Lurang and, after some thought, abruptly brought up a random topic.

Su Zaizai: “Lurang, when people asked for your WeChat before, did you always tell them you didn’t have one?”

Zhang Lurang: “What do you mean by ‘before’?”

Su Zaizai: “Before the second year of high school.”

This time, Zhang Lurang’s reply came slower, as if he were thinking about it.

After a while, he responded: “No one ever asked me. They just added me directly.”

Upon reading this, Su Zaizai was momentarily stunned, recalling her own failed friend request.

A sudden sense of imbalance welled up in her heart.

—So… did you accept?

Zhang Lurang: No, I didn’t look at it.

The conversation veered further off course as Su Zaizai continued: Why didn’t you check?!

Zhang Lurang: …

Su Zaizai: I added you once in my first year of high school.

Su Zaizai: If you had seen it, would you have accepted?

Su Zaizai knew her question was essentially asking for humiliation…

Zhang Lurang would definitely answer honestly; he’d never lie just to please her.

Such an upright boyfriend he was.

This time, his response came even slower.

The screen showed “typing…” for a long while, but Su Zaizai didn’t receive his reply right away.

She wasn’t in a rush, turning her head to look out the window. The streetlights streaked past one after another.

The next moment, her phone vibrated.

She lowered her eyes and looked down.

—I don’t know.

Meeting Su Zaizai made Zhang Lurang do many things that even he couldn’t understand.

For instance, lying and saying he didn’t have WeChat instead of outright rejecting someone. For instance, being unable to harden his heart toward her no matter what. And for instance… when she asked him his name.

That spontaneous word that slipped out of his mouth: “Idiot.”

Su Zaizai placed her phone on her lap and looked out the window again, her expression somewhat vacant.

Soon, she curved her lips slightly and laughed softly.

Perhaps in everyone else’s eyes, it seemed like Su Zaizai was tirelessly chasing after Zhang Lurang, rushing toward him.

But Su Zaizai herself knew very well that Zhang Lurang had also been moving closer to her all along.

He tacitly approved of everything she did, indulging all her actions toward him.

This had been happening for a long time.

________________________________________

After paying, Su Zaizai got out of the taxi.

The security guard recognized her, greeted her, and opened the gate for her.

Su Zaizai cheerfully wished him a “Happy New Year.”

The cold wind blew like sharp blades grazing her cheeks.

Su Zaizai shrank her neck, tightened her scarf, and walked forward.

At the end of the path, she turned left and stopped in front of the first house.

Looking at the windows outside, the inside was completely dark except for one room on the second floor.

Su Zaizai stomped her feet heavily, and the motion-activated light flickered on immediately.

Then, holding her phone in one hand, she pressed the doorbell with the other.

Half a minute later, there was movement inside.

Having probably seen Su Zaizai through the video intercom, Zhang Lurang quickly opened the door.

His expression was still somewhat dazed, as if he hadn’t fully processed the situation yet.

Because of the underfloor heating indoors, he was only wearing a short-sleeved shirt and shorts, with a half-wet white towel draped around his neck.

The cold wind rushed in through the wide-open door, but he seemed unfazed by the chill, showing no reaction at all.

Soon, Zhang Lurang took a step back, making space for Su Zaizai to come in.

Su Zaizai didn’t carry much with her—only a few red envelopes she had received and her phone.

Everything else was left at her grandparents’ house.

She took off the scarf around her neck and quietly asked, “What did you eat for dinner?”

Zhang Lurang took her scarf and placed it on the sofa, then pulled her hand into his, warming her frozen fingers with his palm.

His eyes were lowered, focused on her hands, which were red from the cold.

Zhang Lurang didn’t answer her question. Instead, he poured her a glass of warm water and handed it to her.

As she sipped it slowly, he softly asked, “Why are you here so early today?”

“I came back early,” Su Zaizai replied honestly.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Zhang Lurang frowned. “I could’ve gone to pick you up.”

Su Zaizai didn’t care, proudly declaring, “It’s a New Year’s gift. Are you moved…?”

Zhang Lurang interrupted her, softly calling her name: “Su Zaizai.”

“Hm?”

He leaned his head against her shoulder, repeating her name with a hint of playful affection.

“Su Zaizai.”

Seeing Zhang Lurang like this, Su Zaizai felt her eyes grow moist again.

She stretched her lips into a smile and teased, “You seem really touched.”

“You’re so good,” he murmured softly, almost inaudibly.

After a brief silence—

Su Zaizai licked her lips and cautiously voiced her guess: “Do your parents favor your younger brother more?”

Not expecting her to bring this up, Zhang Lurang paused for a moment before replying, “Maybe they used to.”

“Then… didn’t they treat you well?”

Hearing this, Zhang Lurang lifted his head and softly said, “It’s not like that either.”

Perhaps because of the mood tonight, his voice carried a hint of childishness.

“Su Zaizai, my younger brother is really amazing.”

She listened quietly, saying nothing.

“When he skipped grades in elementary and middle school, I truly thought he was incredible. I never felt inferior to him. Whenever I talked about him with my friends, I felt proud.”

“Even when my friends said I wasn’t as good as him, I never felt sad.”

“… But my parents… they made me feel sad.”

The deepest scar in Zhang Lurang’s heart was inflicted by the people closest to him.

Because of them, Zhang Lurang began to care about what others thought.

The voices around him—those that had once seemed inconsequential—suddenly grew louder, battering him relentlessly.

Leaving him with no place to hide.

“Hey, Zhang Lurang! Aren’t you going home?”

Home?

Zhang Lurang didn’t want to go back. Not at all.

From a long time ago, the mere thought of returning home…

…filled him with fear.

Su Zaizai opened her mouth, but before any words could come out, her voice caught in her throat.

Zhang Lurang froze for a moment, wiping away the tear at the corner of her eye. In a somewhat clumsy attempt at comfort, he said, “But that was all in the past. I’m not going back just because I need to prepare for next semester’s Mobile Internet Innovation Competition.”

Su Zaizai lowered her gaze and slowly said, “I don’t know how to comfort people.”

“I’m not sad,” he chuckled softly.

“I can only tell you a joke.”

Zhang Lurang ruffled her hair gently and said, “Then tell me.”

Su Zaizai tilted her head, deep in thought.

He curved his lips slightly, watching her quietly.

“There’s someone in my heart, and I call him ‘Rang Rang,’” Su Zaizai said, lifting her eyes to meet his, her own crinkling into crescents.

Hearing this, Zhang Lurang’s brows lifted, and he smiled too.

“But he doesn’t let me,” Su Zaizai added.

He never would.