NILWM - 23

Unfortunately, her foolish behavior didn’t end there. The next day, on Sunday, Ye-seo was at the Rosemont Hotel starting at 8 p.m.

Sometimes, people do crazy things that even they can’t understand. When they look back, they feel so much shame and self-loathing that they can’t lift their heads. They promise themselves that if they could turn back time, they would first fix and undo that moment, even before buying a winning lottery ticket or a dream stock.

She was willingly putting herself in that situation. For 21 years, she had always received praise from everyone around her except her mother.

She was told she was more rational, sensible, and mature than her peers, but now, swept away by her emotions, she was acting more foolishly than anyone else. The problem was that she knew it, yet she couldn’t stop.

Ye-seo sat in a corner of the lobby where she could best see the main entrance and couldn’t take her eyes off the revolving door. In one ear, she had an earphone playing her own voice. Even in that state, she was trying to be productive by listening to her recorded notes for her midterm exams.

I’ll just wait until 9:30 p.m.

But as 9:30 p.m. drew near, Han Joo-hyuk didn’t show up. She thought it was strange, since he would have had to enter through the main entrance if he didn’t have a car.

What if he got here before 8 p.m.? Or maybe he went up straight from the parking garage in that woman’s car, or maybe he actually has a car?

In the end, she didn’t see Han Joo-hyuk until after 10:30 p.m. Ye-seo took out her earphones and slowly got up. She was starting to feel self-conscious being in the lobby and it was getting too late for her to stay any longer.

You idiot. What have you been doing for almost three hours, you fool!

As she pushed through the revolving door to the bus stop, tears welled up in her eyes.

It’s okay. At least you listened to your notes diligently. You listened to them until your ears were calloused, so you’ve memorized a lot...

Even with her attempts at self-consolation, she couldn’t suppress the feeling of misery. She swore to herself again and again that she would never do anything this pointless again, but her heart still felt heavy.

He must be in one of the rooms in this hotel. Is he with that woman? Just the two of them all night? Did ‘just the two of us’ really mean ‘alone together’?

The exterior of the 5-star hotel, visible from the bus stop, was brightly lit like a sleepless city. Even on the last day of the holiday, it looked like there wasn’t a single empty room. In stark contrast to the bright, cheerful lights, Ye-seo’s heart was sinking deeper and deeper.

________________________________________

Is there any feeling, other than unrequited love, that makes you feel so small and insignificant? Especially if that unrequited love is also your first love.

Because this was the first time she had ever liked someone and fallen so deeply, she had no immunity to it. She believed she was suffering a severe fever from it. She tried to console herself, thinking that this difficult time would eventually pass.

But the moment her eyes met Han Joo-hyuk’s, she lost her composure. It was a week after the Chuseok holiday when she had been deliberately trying to avoid running into him at school.

It was midterm season, and she, Chae-rin, Sae-eun, Mi-joo, and others were busy with assignments and preparing for exams in the library during their free periods. It was a Friday evening, and everyone was filling the libraries and empty lecture halls, forgetting to go home.

Just then, Choi In-ha handed her a coffee and suggested they get some fresh air. She was about to get up and leave him to his phone call while they sat on the library stairs, when she felt someone’s piercing gaze on the back of her head.

The moment she turned her head, her eyes met Han Joo-hyuk’s directly. He was looking down at her from beyond the window of the first-floor hallway. The sharp look in his eyes, as if he were looking at an insect, sent a chill down her spine.

How long had he been watching? And more importantly, why...?

Choi In-ha, oblivious to what was happening, was engrossed in his phone call. When Ye-seo turned her head back to the window, Han Joo-hyuk turned his judgmental gaze away and began to walk off. A moment later, the back of her head felt hot. When she came to her senses, she had run inside and was chasing after Han Joo-hyuk.

Ye-seo grabbed the hem of his clothes from behind as he was climbing the stairs. Han Joo-hyuk turned around. His face was as composed as ever, but a faint flicker of emotion was visible in his eyes.

“Senior.”

“Hah... hah...” Ye-seo panted, out of breath from running.

“I need to talk to you.”

“...”

“Let’s talk. Just the two of us.”

“Fine. If that’s what you want.”

The corner of his tightly pressed lips tilted slightly, as if in a sneer. His mocking eyes fell to Ye-seo’s hand, which was clutching his clothes.

“I’ll go on my own, so can you let go of this now?”

Ye-seo let go of the hem of his T-shirt with a shake, as if to throw it away. Her already flushed cheeks turned even redder with shame.

“Don’t worry. You don’t have to hold on so desperately for me to agree to talk.”

Arrogance appeared in Han Joo-hyuk’s eyes. Ye-seo’s fingertips tingled at a demeanor she had never seen before.

For the first time in her life, she felt the impulse to punch someone in the mouth. She hadn’t even felt that way when Jung-woo had messed with her things and acted annoyingly while hiding behind their mother.

“How incredibly honored I am.”

Ye-seo took a deep breath and glared at him. By now, Han Joo-hyuk’s face held no hint of a smile. The condescending look he had been giving her, as if he were better than her, had also completely disappeared.

________________________________________

The heat on the back of her head wouldn’t fade, even in the cool air. Since it was exam season, they were the only two on the library rooftop garden. They stood facing each other in a quiet corner of the flower garden.

“Let’s just talk here, standing up.”

Ye-seo said sullenly. She had no intention of finding a place to sit down, nor the emotional余裕 to do so.

“Senior, what are you doing to me?”

Han Joo-hyuk kept his hands in his pants pockets and remained silent. His face said he had no idea what she was talking about.

How shameless. He had been watching them with such a displeased look, as if they were an affair couple.

“I’m asking you why you were looking at me and In-ha oppa like that. As if we were doing something we shouldn’t.”

“Us...?”

Han Joo-hyuk’s eyes, which had been calm all this time, suddenly sharpened. Then, he muttered as if grinding his teeth.

“Can you stop with the ‘oppa’ thing? It’s so ridiculous I can’t even listen to it.”

“What did you say...?”

Ye-seo’s breathing became ragged again. Sparks flew from her eyes as she looked up at him.

“Senior, which is it? Which of us are you jealous of? Me or In-ha oppa?”

“What?”

“Are you upset that I’m getting along with In-ha oppa because he’s a friend you want to be close to, and I’m in the way?”

He let out a scoffing laugh. He ran his hand through his hair roughly.

“You know that’s not it, Min Ye-seo. I’m not into that.”

“So, I’m asking you why you’re acting jealous when you don’t want to date me and don’t like me. What do you even want...”

“I like you.”

He ground the words out through his teeth.

“Okay, let me correct myself. My thinking that I only saw you as a junior... was a mistake. I like you, too.”

Ye-seo’s lips parted slightly, and she was speechless. What? Did I hear that correctly? He just said he likes me...

“But that doesn’t mean I can date you.”

“...”

“But it’s true that I like you. So I don’t like it when you’re especially close with Choi In-ha or anyone else.”

Ye-seo took a silent breath. It felt like it would take a long time for the stinging shock, as if she’d been hit on the back of her head, to completely fade. She tried to stay as rational as possible and opened her mouth.

“So you’re back to that again. The claim that you like me but can’t date me.”

“...”

“What on earth is the reason? Just tell me the reason.”

“Like I said before, I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for it.”

She was dumbfounded. Even though she knew she should just walk away and not engage anymore, Ye-seo spoke again.

“I don’t get it. I really don’t understand what you’re saying. Everyone just meets, dates, falls in love, and even gets married if they like someone, so why...”

“Ye-seo.”

“Just date me, Senior.”

Stop. Don’t do this anymore, Min Ye-seo. You’ll only get hurt in the end. You’re going to get hurt again.

She tried to ignore the alarm bells ringing in her head, but it was no use. Ah, is this what he means by not having the emotional bandwidth? Is this me ignoring my rationality and being swayed by my emotions, constantly saying foolish things? Is this why he said he wouldn’t date?

But she couldn’t stop the words from spilling out once they started. Her emotions, which were overflowing like a burst dam, were the same.

“Just follow your heart. Everyone lives like that. If you really like someone, why... why do you have to suppress and ignore that feeling?”

“I’ve told you several times, I have no intention of doing that.”

Ye-seo closed her eyes tightly, then opened them.

“So in the end...”

Dizziness came and went, and her consciousness became clear again.

“That’s the conclusion again. That you, me, and no one should date. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

As she said it, she was dumbfounded again. She wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all. But what came out wasn’t laughter, but a furious roar.

“Why should I do what you want? You’re meeting other women at bars and going in and out of hotels!”

One of Han Joo-hyuk’s eyebrows twitched. He was definitely surprised by those words.