NILWM - 0

“There’s no child whose finger doesn’t hurt when you bite it, but there are also fingers that always hurt even if you don’t bite them, you see.”

My maternal grandmother used to say that.

“So, Yeseo, I hope you can understand your mom a bit. It’s not that she loves you less because she takes care of you less, you know. Of course not.”

Just as not all bloodlines could be the same, to her maternal grandmother, her own daughter would be more important than her granddaughter. And to her mother, the other twin, not her, was more important.

Ultimately, no one valued her the most. Was that why? Was that why she only looked at him and clung solely to him? She wanted to be the most precious and important person to at least one person.

But it wasn’t just for that desire. The affection she didn’t receive from her family, the unfulfilled emotional exchanges and bonds, were always desperately needed, but that wasn’t all.

She loved him. She truly liked him, expressed her feelings, and even after being rejected repeatedly, she confessed again and again until they finally became a couple.

There were many incomprehensible things, countless moments where she was hurt and had to endure it alone. Even though they were clearly a couple, there were countless times when she felt lonely and sad, as if it were still a one-sided love. That sense of isolation continued even after they got engaged.

And that bottomless loneliness and alienation would continue. Even after marriage, and while living together as husband and wife in the same house, nothing seemed like it would change. It was a premonition so strong it was almost a certainty.

For a while, she thought everything was fine. She believed that the loneliness, the isolation, and the incomprehensible things had all been quenched after he returned to Korea. But now, with new problems emerging that she simply could not overlook, accept, or understand, she was completely exhausted. She had no more strength to endure.

“Ah...”

A suppressed groan escaped her as she raised her body from the crumpled sheets. Something sticky trickled down the inside of her thighs, and a throbbing pain enveloped her crotch.

It was a sensation she had experienced countless times, but that day, it felt even rawer and more painful. It had always been pain accompanied by pleasure, but today, the memory of pleasure was as if completely washed away. Perhaps, it was because she had embraced him, resolving it to be the last time.

The room was utterly silent. As always, when she opened her eyes after intense lovemaking, she was the only one left in the bed. Yeseo barely managed to steady her fluid-stained legs and headed to the bathroom.

Beyond the mirror, there was a naked body dotted with red heat rashes. Her jaw ached slightly, and when she lifted her head, faint handprints were visible. They must have formed when she shook him off to avoid a kiss, and he had forcibly gripped her jaw, roughly pushing his tongue in.

Seeing tears in her eyes in the mirror, she immediately turned away. She didn’t want to see it. Even as she had the spacious bathroom to herself, larger than most rooms, and soaked herself in the rose-scented marble bathtub for a long time, the tears wouldn’t stop. Her swollen inner flesh still throbbed.

After more than two hours in the tub, she dried her hair and changed her clothes. She packed her clothes and bag, tore a page from her diary, and picked up the fountain pen engraved with his initials from the living room table. Long ago, she had accidentally dropped and cracked the pen, which he had received as a gift from his grandfather’s friend.

If she hadn’t accepted the pen when he had suddenly offered to lend it to her back then. Then perhaps she wouldn’t have met him outside of school again. If they hadn’t met to return the pen, they wouldn’t have eaten dinner alone together. Then perhaps, it would have ended as merely a distant admiration.

Writing the letter took a long time. It took nearly 30 minutes to write just a few sentences. After neatly placing the finished letter on the table, her legs trembled as she walked through the long lobby and down the main entrance stairs.

The quiet sobbing and repeated resolves seemed to have completely drained her. While she replayed her deeply layered feelings on paper countless times, trying to convey them as concisely and calmly as possible, she felt as if her mind and body had been gnawed away, consumed to the very bone.

Just then, her phone vibrated. “Joohyuk Sunbae” appeared on the screen. Yeseo didn’t answer and walked stiffly across the round gravel path. But that was only for a moment; she eventually collapsed onto the fountain in front of the villa. The deserted villa complex was so desolate, it felt as if time had stopped.

The multi-story building, backed by the ridge of a shallow mountain, had only a few attached units, and the overall scenery was beautiful, like a painting. The windows of all units, including the detached house owned by Han Joohyuk located furthest inside, were covered with multi-film blinds.

Privacy was thoroughly protected, making it impossible to tell if anyone was inside or if the unit was empty. Countless security CCTVs were hidden by expensive sculptures and artworks, their presence concealed.

This villa complex, desired by many, was a symbol of wealth and an object of envy by its very name. Inside the walls, where external access was strictly controlled, it was their own small world.

“What? You’re rethinking the engagement? Are you crazy? My goodness, there’s a limit to how much you can kick away good fortune!”

“Why on earth? If it were me, I’d get married today, no, just a few hours ago, even if it was an arranged marriage, but that’s not even your situation. You’ve been dating for four years, you’re a campus couple, and you’re even engaged, but suddenly?”

“Hey, yeah. Sunbae is a bit cold and indifferent. Still, it’s not like he has issues with women, or a drinking problem, drugs, or gambling, so why are you calling off the engagement now? Don’t decide too hastily; try talking it over.”

She had come here yesterday to “talk it over.” And she was hurt even more. She couldn’t have imagined those words coming from anyone else, especially not from him. That single sentence immediately flew like a dagger and pierced deeply.

“Where are you? Why aren’t you answering your phone?”

The continuous vibration stopped, and a text message arrived. After no reply, the call rang again a long time later. Yeseo got up from the fountain and walked with gritted teeth to the outdoor elevator. The complex was so vast that it took a long time to get out to the outside world without a car.

The phone kept ringing. Ignoring it, she got off the elevator and immediately made eye contact with the security guards waiting at the back gate of the complex. One of them approached her and said,

“Excuse me, Madam.”

His tone was polite, but his gesture, blocking her path to the back gate, seemed firm. Even though they hadn’t held the wedding yet, the title “Madam” came naturally.

“Division Head Han just contacted us. He said he couldn’t reach you and asked us to check if something was wrong at Building 112... Are you alright?”

“Yes. As you can see... I’m fine. I’ll be going now.”

Just then, the phone in the employee’s hand rang loudly. It sounded like Han Joohyuk. As she expected, as soon as the employee ended the call, he again blocked her path to the back gate.

“Madam, I’m truly sorry. If you’re alright, you’ll need to speak directly with the Division Head on the phone and tell him that nothing is wrong. After that, if you tell us your destination, we will escort you in a company vehicle.”

“No, thank you for the offer, but I’ll go by myself.”

Yeseo firmly added,

“And I have no intention of talking to the Division Head. I understand that the staff are just doing their job as instructed, but I am...”

“I am not the Division Head’s subordinate, and after this time, we will be nothing to each other.”

The rest of the words wouldn’t come out, so she bit her lip. And repeatedly apologizing, she hurriedly exited the back gate. Fortunately, the security office didn’t stop her further.

She was ultimately such a being. A finger that didn’t hurt much to her mother, who always tried to be loved, and a burdensome and tiring finger to the man she loved. Someone who was too good to pass on to another but someone he didn’t want to fully possess.

She no longer wanted to be such a being. To anyone. So she decided not to live that way anymore. She wanted to shed all the shackles of being a burdensome load, an unwanted presence to someone, and rather stand alone.

As she walked aimlessly after leaving the complex, her eyes kept welling up. Heat rose, as if tears were about to burst forth at any moment.

It was when she paused, closed her eyes, and then opened them again. Snow was silently falling. She remembered the day she first saw Han Joohyuk, four years ago. The moment their eyes met, as he stood straight amidst the snowflakes, was as vivid as yesterday.

It was a sight she would never forget until she died. She believed she would never forget it for her entire life. At the same time, it was also an image she wanted to erase from her mind, even if it meant losing her memory.