#34: Love

When Shen Yihuan hugged Lu Zhou’s waist, he tensed up completely.

They had had many physical contacts since their reunion, more intimate ones, and even more extreme things before their breakup.

But now, with Shen Yihuan standing behind him, her scent, mixed with the military camp’s soap, lingered in his nostrils.

Smell and touch assaulted him simultaneously, too easily breaking down his defenses.

Lu Zhou’s thin lips were tightly sealed.

Shen Yihuan rubbed her head against his back again, silently urging him for an answer.

“Shen Yihuan.”

Lu Zhou called her name, suppressing the emotions he couldn’t hide.

Shen Yihuan hummed twice, clingy and sweet, like a purring cat.

“I don’t trust you anymore.”

Shen Yihuan’s heart sank.

A person’s trust is limited, and Lu Zhou was a smart man. He had every reason to be proud, so why should he stand there waiting for her to say, “Is it too late to regret?”

That’s right.

He should be angry.

Shen Yihuan thought.

She wasn’t angry or particularly sad. She hugged his waist tighter, tilted her head, and pressed her nose against the center of the “cross” scar.

This was where a bullet had once passed through.

She lifted her head, and her red lips landed on it, like a pious offering.

Lu Zhou’s spine stiffened. He abruptly grabbed her hands wrapped around his waist and pulled her aside.

Lu Zhou put his clothes back on.

He took his cigarette pack to the bed and started smoking. He was confident in his self-control, except for his self-control regarding Shen Yihuan. He had no confidence in that, not even daring to look at her more.

He was afraid that one more look would make him like her even more.

The cold wind from outside blew in. Above, the autumn Milky Way stretched, a vast expanse of stars. Away from the city, on dust-free days, the sky was clean as if freshly washed.

There was no human touch, but there was a vast universe.

Shen Yihuan knew he had a strong smoking habit, so she gave him a minute. When the time was up, she walked over, directly took the cigarette from his fingers, and closed the window.

“Aren’t you having a fever? And you’re smoking and letting in cold air?”

Lu Zhou obediently handed her the cigarette: “The fever should be gone.”

“Do you have a thermometer here?”

He gestured with his chin towards a cabinet nearby.

Shen Yihuan found a thermometer, rinsed it with water, and handed it to Lu Zhou. He placed the thermometer under his tongue.

“Anyway, you can’t talk right now, so listen carefully to what I’m about to say.”

“I know I wasn’t good to you before. I left without considering your feelings back then. I was too self-centered and willful,” Shen Yihuan lowered her head, pursing her lips. “I was a scumbag. You can’t be called an asshole, but I can.”

“But I truly only ever liked you, and I only ever pursued you.”

“Since you won’t forgive me, I’ll pursue you again. This time, I’ll pursue you seriously. I just said I’d make you feel what doting love is.”

“What boundless love means.”

Lu Zhou’s eyelids twitched. He had to clench his teeth to avoid biting through the mercury tube in his mouth.

Shen Yihuan paused for a while, then closed her eyes, as if gathering courage to reveal a secret.

“Your scars... what you went through then, if you’re willing to tell me, then say so. If you’re not, I won’t ask. As for your illness, I’ll be with you for the treatment. It’s just post-traumatic stress, isn’t it? I’ll find the best doctors for you. I don’t believe it will relapse or have sequelae.”

At this, Lu Zhou’s brow bone rose slightly in surprise.

But he remained leaning on the chair, maintaining his original posture, without moving.

“From now on, I’ll be good to you,” Shen Yihuan said.

How to be good to Lu Zhou should be a very specific thing.

Shen Yihuan hadn’t yet figured out how to be very specifically good to Lu Zhou, only knowing that Lu Zhou’s life, for the better part of it, had been too damn hard.

Born without a mother’s love or father’s affection—no, his mother was simply gone—he grew up, got a girlfriend, only to meet the wrong person and be completely blind, then later in his work, undertook such dangerous missions, and was even tormented to the point of psychological problems.

She had to make sure Lu Zhou’s future days were filled with happiness.

To make him feel what doting love was.

What boundless love meant.

The young girl faced him and the window. The sunlight streaming in illuminated her pupils, making Lu Zhou gasp for a moment.

He took the thermometer out of his mouth and glanced at it: “Fever gone, 37 degrees.”

Shen Yihuan: “...”

So, her impassioned speech just now was completely ignored.

Lu Zhou placed the thermometer on the table, then suddenly took two steps forward, raised his hand, and gently lifted Shen Yihuan’s chin.

The fever had subsided, but his voice was still hoarse, with a heavy nasal tone, stretching out an ambiguous atmosphere in the quiet night breeze.

He leaned in, whispering, “You want to know what I went through?”

Shen Yihuan was stunned for a few seconds, nodded, then quickly shook her head twice: “You don’t have to say if you don’t want to.”

“I want to.”

He said.

Shen Yihuan didn’t react.

Lu Zhou spoke again, his lips close to her ear, like a bass speaker: “But it’s a long story, it’ll take a while to tell. Are you going back to your own dorm tonight?”

Fireworks exploded in strings in her mind.

Shen Yihuan felt a thousand bullet points frantically popping up in her heart, 999 of which were “Holy shit.”

She had seen all sides of Lu Zhou, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t said suggestive things to her before, but 99% of the time, he maintained his cool and aloof persona.

...

By the time she realized it, she was already lying on Lu Zhou’s bed.

Although he had a single room specially assigned because he was the captain, the bed was still a single bed, just like the one Shen Yihuan slept on.

She wasn’t short among girls, and Lu Zhou was, needless to say, tall. The two of them squeezed onto a single bed, making it very cramped.

How terrifying is the instinct of body memory? Shen Yihuan’s nerves hadn’t even fully caught up, yet she subconsciously found a comfortable position in Lu Zhou’s arms.

Lu Zhou noticed her movement and held her tighter.

The grip tightened.

Shen Yihuan almost felt like he was trying to meld her into his body.

The position was actually quite uncomfortable.

The tips of her ears were completely red, and her cheeks burned in waves. She looked up from his embrace, but Lu Zhou’s ears weren’t red at all.

He had indeed grown up...

Lu Zhou used to blush easily, especially his ears, which would turn red at the slightest provocation.

Now he was doing something like this, completely unblushing and calm.

No, his heart was still beating very fast.

Thump, thump, thump...

Shen Yihuan pried his fingers from hers, trying to pull away, only to hear a low voice from above: “Don’t move.”

Her voice was muffled in his embrace as she patted his arm.

“...It’s a bit too tight.”

Lu Zhou loosened his arm.

It was truly only a slight loosening, just enough for her to breathe.

Amidst the chaotic thumping of her heart, Shen Yihuan actually remembered that online meme: a little girl grimacing, her ponytail pulled tightly, with the caption, “Mommy, it’s a little tight.”

She was now a capital — “Brother, it’s a little tight.”

...

After many years away from her previous life of indulgence, Shen Yihuan’s thick skin had also plummeted. The hot breath from Lu Zhou’s nose was on her forehead, and he held her in a commanding posture, making her feel like she was burning up.

She felt awkward all over.

Yet Lu Zhou held her in an undeniable manner, as if afraid she would leave.

Shen Yihuan’s expression was a little blank. She pushed the hair entwined between them behind her head.

She whispered: “Didn’t you just say you were going to tell me what you went through?”

“Mm.”

Lu Zhou responded, resting his chin on her head.

Perhaps the injection and medicine were making him drowsy; his voice was indistinct with a sleepy weariness.

Shen Yihuan felt like she had been tricked. She had been lured into bed, and now, instead of telling her what happened, he looked like he was about to fall asleep?

Just as she was about to lash out, Lu Zhou spoke.

His voice was low and devoid of emotion, like he was plainly stating a minor incident.

One could tell, without even looking, that his eyes must have been closed when he spoke.

“Soon after I received your message, I was assigned to the Xinjiang military camp. When I first arrived, I was just a regular soldier undergoing training. At that time, there was a mission assigned from above, concerning a smuggling ring that had been under surveillance for a long time, so I went.”

“The opponents’ movements were erratic, and they were well-armed. A full-frontal assault wasn’t realistic. I spent over a month tracking them down, slowly gaining their trust, and then infiltrated.”

“Over three months in total, many of the scars on my back are from that time.”

He nodded slightly, casually, and pressed a kiss on Shen Yihuan’s hair.

His voice tinged with a hint of amusement: “It wasn’t as serious as you imagine, and I wasn’t captured or tortured.”

Shen Yihuan exclaimed in surprise, “Oh? No? Then that psychologist...”

“Those injuries were sustained during the fighting in the final stages. The psychologist was because, for personal missions like that, you have to undergo psychological testing afterward. I didn’t meet the standards. What I saw during that period was indeed bloody and brutal, which is why they arranged a psychological counselor for me.”

Lu Zhou glossed over many of the events that happened then, without going into detail.

There was indeed no capture or torture.

But what he witnessed during that time, if it were anyone with weaker psychological resilience, or even any normal person, they wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

Lu Zhou at that time was not in the category of “normal people.”

When he first entered the military academy, he passed the psychological test, but after he broke up with Shen Yihuan, there was a period when he even had suicidal thoughts.

But he was a soldier.

Casually taking his own life was something he was unwilling to accept.

So he volunteered, taking on that mission, a mission that was considered a one-way trip at the time.

He had not expected to return alive.

Even Commander Feng hadn’t expected him to return alive on his own, although he collapsed and fainted immediately upon reaching the military camp entrance.

It was in this “abnormal” state that he had been hiding in the enemy camp for over three months.

Perhaps thanks to this state, he was not severely affected by the bloody and brutal scenes he witnessed at the time. The reason he failed the psychological test later was probably still because of Shen Yihuan.

Shen Yihuan asked: “How could you fail? Was it serious?”

“It’s already better. I won’t tell you what it was like inside the enemy camp,” he raised his hand and rubbed her earlobe, “You’d be scared.”

Shen Yihuan’s ears grew hotter from his rubbing. She shrank her neck, trying to escape Lu Zhou’s hand, but only squeezed further into his embrace.

“What about the tattoo, then?”

Judging by the dates, it should have been around that time too.

Lu Zhou said: “After I entered their operations system, I needed to maintain a familiar relationship with them. Many times I had to accompany them, so I also got a tattoo.”

As for the design.

He didn’t want to have messy, meaningless designs on his body, so he got a cherry vine tattooed.

“What kind of awful place is that?” Shen Yihuan gritted her teeth, her voice trembling slightly.

Lu Zhou was only one year older than her.

At that time, he was only in his early twenties.

While many people were still living comfortably in college on their parents’ money, Lu Zhou was already forced to witness the evil and ugly realities of this world.

He took on heavy responsibilities and began to sustain his first, second, and who knows how many more injuries.

She hugged Lu Zhou, her palm pressed against his back, burying her head deeply in his embrace.

“How could there be such a place? Such a large tattoo, how painful must that be? And how can they force people to get tattoos... a bunch of madmen!”

Lu Zhou gave her one of his arms as a pillow, and with his other hand, he gently patted her back.

“Doesn’t the tattoo look good?”

Shen Yihuan knew Lu Zhou was trying to cheer her up, but he was truly bad at humor.

Instead of laughing, she felt like crying.

She blinked rapidly, trying to hold back the wetness in her eyes, but it was useless. The more she blinked, the faster her eyes turned red.

Shen Yihuan simply gave up and wiped her tears onto his shirt over his chest.

She heard a helpless sigh from above.

Lu Zhou pulled her closer, his palm gently patting her back, repeatedly.

“Don’t be scared.”

He said.

“I’m here, don’t be scared.”

His voice held a tenderness never heard before, a sight reserved only for Shen Yihuan.

When a person feels like crying, they might silently endure it, hold it in for a while, and perhaps feel better.

But at that moment, if someone gently patted your back and softly said to you, “Don’t be scared, I’m here,” all the sadness and sorrow would wash over you.

And yet, Shen Yihuan was crying because she felt sorry for Lu Zhou, and it was Lu Zhou who was comforting her.

She hummed softly through her nose, rubbing his neck: “No, it should be, ‘I’m here, don’t be scared.’“

She pulled her hand free and patted Lu Zhou’s back twice.

Lu Zhou chuckled.

“Lu Zhou,” she whispered after a long time, “Do you dare... let me love you again?”

Lu Zhou was silent for a long time.

Then he pulled her hand, lifted it above her head, propped himself up on one elbow, and kissed her lips.

It wasn’t forceful and rough like before, like a struggle between desire and suppression. This kiss was incredibly gentle and tender.

Like warm flowing water, it completely enveloped Shen Yihuan from the inside out.

She knew Lu Zhou had accepted her.

Even before she had truly begun to pursue him again, he had accepted her.

Shen Yihuan’s wrist twisted slightly, her hand bound above her head, her fingers intertwined with Lu Zhou’s.

“...You really didn’t have to accept me so quickly.”

As if to punish her inattention, Lu Zhou gently bit her lip, sealing her lips again.

His breathing deepened. He licked and probed delicately inside her mouth.

After a long while, Shen Yihuan finally heard his response.

“No.”

The three years of blankness gradually gained color in Lu Zhou’s narration.

Shen Yihuan wished Lu Zhou would also act out with her, so she could feel a little less guilty. She even felt relieved when she heard Lu Zhou say he no longer trusted her.

But then, contradicting his words, he brought her into the bedroom, unreservedly, and once again confessed his feelings.

Lu Zhou slightly raised his head, his thumb gently caressing the young girl’s red, soft lips, wetting his fingertip and creating an indescribable intimacy.

He pressed slightly, moving his thumb down Shen Yihuan’s lips.

Then he slowly leaned in again, biting and licking her lips.

The night was silent.

It was past lights-out time. Thanks to the captain’s privilege, their room was the only one lit in the entire building.

As if he couldn’t kiss her enough.

Shen Yihuan felt a little emotional from the kissing.

Lu Zhou was too easy to appease. He was then, and he was now. He didn’t even need solemn promises or a heart refined by time; a hug and a kiss were enough.

He clearly had every right to be proud.

Shen Yihuan raised her hand to wrap around his neck, pulling her chin back slightly, avoiding his lips.

Lu Zhou opened his eyes, his gaze deep and still as he looked at her up close.

Like a tiger-like beast, eyeing its long-coveted prey.

“Lu Zhou, do you like me...?” Shen Yihuan whispered.

Lu Zhou’s collar was wide open, revealing his exquisitely defined collarbones and straight shoulder line.

He kissed the young girl’s lips once more, gently opening her teeth, and lightly sucking at her lips.

His palm caressed her cheek, his voice low and husky.

“Baby.”

Liking you is not easy, but not liking you is even harder.