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Written by Brooklyn Schwartz, 10/06/2026
Dear person reading this,
WELCOME BACK
I know you missed me.
For those of you who have absolutely no idea what you are reading right now, too bad.
No, I'm kidding plz stay.
Okay so i'm Brooklyn, I like to rant to google docs, and then for whatever reason my editors continuously make it publicly available. It's a great system, I agree.
I would also like to celebrate the fact that this is the 10th “Brooklyn Rants” I've ever written! (but not that’s been published because I wrote one article last year that the editors forgot to publish for 5 months and eventually I gave up)
*(Editor's note: This will not happen under new management, we love you Brooklyn <3 )
If I wanted to, I could tell you the whole story of how I started writing Brooklyn rants back in eighth grade and I could lie and say that The Stand has changed my life.
But I don't feel like doing that so.
BIRD POOP. Really weird concept. Flying, colourful blobs in the sky poop white goo onto our heads and everyone was just like “yeah”. “YEAH?????” really?! This is some dystopian nonsense and everyone is just going with it and I will not stand for it. It's frickin weird that poop falls from the sky. Ok?
Storytime: when I was a kid I used to think the sound that cicadas make… was the sun? Like the sun was producing the buzzing noise, not the bugs. I have no idea how I drew this conclusion, it's not like someone told me this was the case, I was just a weird kid.
Also as a kid my grandma used to take me to the dollar store to look at the container aisle. Like bins and tupperware and stuff. That was our outing for the day, just “look at containers”. I was a weird kid.
Maybe this is why in kindergarten I had like one friend. Interesting.
During fall, trees turn red, orange, and yellow, yes? Well I propose; blue. Blue trees for fall! Why can't there be blue trees, huh? If the weather is cool outside, then the colours should be cool toned too! Not warm. Also, why can't bushes and flowers and bugs and deer change colour too? I want to see a blue bumblebee. Anyway, vote blue trees for this fall season so everyone and everything gets to participate in the festivities.
Anyway, on my list of “things to put in brooklyn rants” that I keep on my phone, I had written “airplane wifi” with no other context. I have no idea what Brooklyn three months ago wanted to say about airplane wifi but it's at the top of my list so it has to go in. (That's a lie I don't have to do anything. I would make the rules except for there are none so.)
Target has a forensics lab and the largest bowl of mac-n-cheese weighed 2,469 pounds.
Brooklyn
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