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Written by Brooklyn Schwartz, 03/30/2025
Dear person reading this, this article only exists because I wanted to write about something stupid. So here you go...
Why can't I crawl up the stairs? Like, kids can crawl up stairs. And at a certain age it's considered childish???????? No. crawling up stairs takes less energy. I say, we all start crawling up the stairs again.
Storytime: I used to go to a French immersion school which basically meant most of my classes were taught by the same teacher, all in french. And so once a year when we would get a substitute teacher that did not speak french, that day was absolute chaos. We didn't do anything those days. Because all our work was in french. So we could pretend we didn't understand, and the substitute couldn't help us because they don't know French. It looks like gibberish to them. So we would just do nothing all day. Also, that school didn't give out homework. The first eight years of my schooling was homework free. And then I came to this school. -_-
You know how introverts have social batteries? What if extroverts had antisocial batteries? Like they can only go so long by themselves before they get lonely. I'm very serious about this. I'm a freaking genius, guys. … no im not, I can be really stupid someti— most of the time. Like I still don't know my lefts and rights. Or my backs and fronts apparently. And sometimes I forget how much 2 is. That was a weird day.
Towels. Why rectangles? Like, if I want a towel shaped like a pentagon, I should be able to find at least one. But no, all the towels are rectangles. Actually, everything is a rectangle. Look around you, windows, floor tiles, the device that you are reading this on! It's all rectangles. Pretty soon, WE will be rectangles. It's time to make a stand! Or a sit. Doesn't really matter. You do you.
Storytime: One time in kindergarten my teacher told us to bring in a photo of ourselves as babies and I went up to her and was like “I was never a baby though!” in my tiny three year old voice. She didn't believe me. And neither did my mom because she had *proof* that I was a baby at one point. pHOtoS. I was shocked. Fun fact: That is my only memory that I see in the third person and I have no idea why.
Why do we have different weather? Like, I'm sure there's a science-y explanation. I just don't want to know it. Why can't we have one perfect weather everywhere that everyone is comfortable in, and it's that perfect point where you can wear sweatpants or shorts and you're fine either way. You know? Science really said “we want people to be cold half the year and boil for the other half! :)” like, no. no thanks, i'm good. If you're gonna be that way, I'm moving to the moon. I'm sure it's warm up there.
I really don't like pencils. They're just so like, scratchy and pens just flow so much better on paper. Also, everyone always asks to borrow pencils and then they all disappear because no one returns them. But if all I have is a pink ball-point pen, no one wants it. It's all mine.
Why does bottled water have a nutrition label? Like, it's all 0g of everything or whatever. There's probably like a legal reason that it's there. But I think we should get rid of that too. We could be using that space for something more important. Like drawings. Little kid drawings. Basically just scribbles. I don't know where that idea came from, that's probably the most random thing in this article.
Side note: my friend just stole my chair so now I’m writing this while sitting on the floor.
Swear words, when did we decide that they were bad? Like one day someone said one and their friend decided that they were offended for no reason at all and now I'm not allowed to say them???
Why do all schools have desks? Like, we have lockers, we’re not allowed to put things in them anyway, so why not tables. I had tables in grade 5. Or maybe grade 3… it was the same teacher in the same room. I really liked that teacher. She was great. She let me speak english. No desks. I could also sit wherever. Which would be great now, but back then, everyone was friends with everyone. Because I basically had the same class every year. So I didn't mind when I had seating plans because I couldn't be sat with people I didn't like.
You know how there's always cake vending machines in airports? Yeah I don't know, those were always a bit concerning to me because cake expires. Fast. And I've never seen anyone buy one of those cakes. So they're probably sitting in that machine for days, Maybe weeks. That's disgusting. What are we doing, people?
Okay so the fourth floor girls bathroom has been missing a stall for years and now one of the other stalls has also been out of order for a couple months so we only have one stall. I think we should petition to get our second stall back.
Story time: in the sixth grade my science teacher (his class wasn't in french it was great) had a rock as a class pet. We treated this rock like royalty. I swear it was respected more than the teacher sometimes. Also this teacher would always tell us crazy stories if we finished our work. That was probably my favorite class that year.
Why are all the cars in the world either black gray or white. Like, sometimes they are blue or red but that's it. It makes it so hard to find your car in the parking lot. I think we should start getting more creative with our car paint colours. The Walmart parking lot should look like unicorn vomit.
The rejection hot-line number is 605-477-3018 and there were active volcanoes on the moon when dinosaurs were alive.
Brooklyn
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