brooklyn and jade have a rant battle this week!

Written by Jade Hauber and Brooklyn Schwartz, 18/01/2026.

 Brooklyn Jade Rants

Dear whoever is reading this, Are you not bored yet? I feel like we’re doing the same thing every week. We should probably spice it up once in a while, no?

YUP.

SUP PLEBES. THIS IS JADE RANTS NOW.

I got tired of Brooklyn asking me for material so I’m taking over and staging a coup. Not in that order. Brooklyn Rants is now FOR the people, BY the people. The people meaning me, and the people meaning you. You’re welcome.

As everyone knows, i’m objectively right about everything. So here’s the correct colours for school subjects:

Aw HECK NO. Brooklyn is always wrong about this. She’s aboutta say some garbage like math is yellow when we ALL KNOW IT’S RED. Side note, I’m fixing all her grammar. Not spelling or capitalization, though.

Math - yellow. I will die on this hill. It’s not red and it’s not blue. Deal with it.

Science - green. ‘Cus like, nature and stuff. You know?

That she’s right about, but not nature. Green is MY colour. The BEST colour. Jade!

English and history - blue. Different blues though. Also, like, ICE is blue. So…

Drama - black. ‘Cus like, theatres are dark and stuff.

Music - white. I don’t know.

Gym - red because it makes me angry.

French - pink. I picked that at random. Just go with it.

So wrong… so, so wrong…

Anyway, I’ve decided I’m gonna rant about some things. First of all, if you are between the ages of 113 and 119 you ARE a teenager. That’s just the law. You are in an age that ends in teen. Same thing if you are currently living in a year that ends in the word teen. You’re a teenager.

I feel like there’s something weird happening with this article… am i using a different font size? Eh. doesnt really matter i guess.

Also, the kid from Nirvana that sued them because he was on their album cover as a baby… No one knew who you were before! If you didn’t want to be recognized for that, you wouldn’t have been! You were literally a fetus. Now you’ve announced yourself and everyone knows who you are.

Hey, Brooklyn doesn’t see me. Weird. BROOKLYN. IT’S ME. HOP OFF MY ARTICLE.

There’s a difference between people who text “yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” and “yayayayayayayayayayayay” and I dont know what it is. Nor will I ever know what it is. Oh well.

Brooklyn is a yayyyyyyyyyy person and I’m a yayayayayayayayayayay person. I believe yay is repetitable. That’s a word. I decided.

So yesterday my friend jade was vocal coaching me through my song for my audition for the theatre revue (which i’m very excited about ‘cuz I couldn’t be in matilda which was sad) and like, i knew i didn’t know anything about singing, but I didn’t realize how MUCH there was to know. Like holy flip, singing is hard.

That’s me!!!! There’s a lot more to know than what I taught her, but Brooklyn is very naturally talented. It took me years to reach the notes she was reaching, even with classical training.

Random thought but is “repetitable” a word? I feel like it isn’t. (Future brooklyn here: the word is repeatable.)

Ooooohhhh. That’s the word. Anyway, Ursula from the Little Mermaid did nothing wrong. NOTHING. I will die on this hill. You sign a contract, you sign a contract. Read the fine print, buddy. And unless a minor requests a lawyer present, they don’t need one to sign a contract, especially if it’s in the family. So.

So I’ve gotten to the point where i’ve written so many of these “brooklyn rants” that i’ve started to accidentally reuse topics and i now have to keep a list of everything i’ve written about. Which is kind of crazy.

It’s especially crazy considering half of them are MY IDEAS.

So um.. I was reading through this article, right? Before i send it to the editors.. There is green in here. WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME SOMEONE ELSE WAS IN MY GOOGLE DOC?!?!?!?! JADE GET THE FLIP OUT.

Ah, fine. Nice meeting you, Brooklyn Readers (Brooklynheads? Brookinators?). Take it sleazy.

AND ALSO, YOU CONTRIBUTED MAYBE TWO HUNDRED THINGS MAX

Anyway, 

Human stomachs can dissolve razor blades and apples are 25% air. (The hell?)

Brooklyn. And Jade!!!!!!