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Written Brooklyn Schwartz, 10/08/2025
Kimaya- hockey
rubix - politics
Iago - makeup
Interview 1: Kimaya Gupte on her experiences being a professional not hockey player.
Me: So Kimaya, how did you get into not playing hockey?
Kimaya: Well I’ve not played hockey as long as I can remember, I grew up playing not hockey.
Me: Were there any points in your career that you started to doubt your choice to play not hockey, that that wished you never played not hockey?
Kimaya: Definitely. Especially during gym classes, I mean, It sucked sucking at hockey.
Me: That's really insightful, Kimaya. So tell me, what kept you going, not playing hockey during those hard times?
Kimaya: The thought that if I decided to not not play hockey I’d actually have to get out of my perpetual state of bedrotting.
Me: I think that's an excellent perspective that a lot of our audience can relate to. Do you have any advice for people thinking of getting into not playing hockey?
Kimaya: Yeah, um, I think it's pretty cool being completely untalented. Everyone reading should try not being better than everyone else so I don't feel bad about myself.
Me: Thanks for that wonderful insight Kimaya. I think that's all we need from you.
Kimaya: Happy to help.
Interview 2: My dog, Rubix, and his thoughts on today's political issues.
Me: So Rubix, what do you think of the US governments shutting down?
Rubix:
Me: That's an excellent point. What effect do you think this shut down will have on the Canadian economy, if at all?
Rubix:
Rubix: [Bark]
Me: It had never even occurred to me that that could happen. Could you elaborate?
Rubix: [Bark, Bark]
Me: Oh you want the toy, k here you go.
Rubix: [Squeeks dollar store rubber chicken]
Interview 3: The conversation I had with Iago Campos while trying to convince him to actually do the interview he agreed to.
Me: Iago can I interview you now?
Iago: Sure
Me: K great. Remember you are welcome and encouraged to lie in this interview as the point is comedy, not honesty.
Iago: ok if you say so. But reminder I’m probably gonna tell the truth anyways. Cuz I'm not a liar.
Me: Iago the whole point of this interview is that I ask you questions about things you know nothing about.
Iago:
Me: if you dont lie its gonna be boring.
Iago: Well, I'm not a liar.
Me: I really need you to be dumb right now.
Iago: no. I'm never dumb. I'm always smart!
Me: see, now you're getting it! Great lying.
Iago: … no. I was truth-telling.
Me: … no?
Iago: croissant.
Me: nevermind. I'll just put this in instead. Thanks Iago.
Iago: Adios!
This article is so dumb Im so sorry
Brooklyn
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