Co-Chair Election Special

Written by Borys Manikowski and Jackson Young, 03/20/2025

A story woven by the masters of the written craft Mr. Borys Alexander Manikowski and Mr. Jackson Young, Edited and Censored by Maddie and Lyla.

“I think Borys and Jackson are the best people to ever exist” 

- Soleil Weis Chair Candidate who has gained our eternal respect, and loyal following for her views. She clearly has unparalleled literary views, and interpersonal tastes. She is going to be one of our top 6 votes.

Prolusion:

“A spectre is haunting The York School - the spectre of chair elections.” - Communist Manifesto, Karl Marx and Frederick Engels. We can all feel it. We know it's there. Creeping up on us like a fox on a hen, haunting us like Dracula haunting Transilvania, exasperating our collective sense of self, and redefining what it means to be human. Chair elections. The event that has the power to utterly change, disfigure, and revolutionize The York School. The elections are taking place on April 2, 2025, which coincides with World Autism Awareness Day. Therefore Borys and Jackson decided to once again stand up not only for the entire school community, but stand up to the treacherous powers of evil, propaganda, and false promises. The princes of truth are here to provide you with everything you must know before making a vote. The disquisition below outlines the most important socio-political views of the candidates, providing insight into some of their secrets that they would have never revealed, if not interviewed by some of the best interrogators in the western hemisphere. Below are both secrets, controversy, and an analysis of what the candidates had to say when answering the most pressing questions that could have been asked.

Question 1: If you were a chair what chair would you be and why?

This momentously important question was answered with passion by all the chairs, with Judah and Elizabeth saying a bean bag. Clearly a bit of cheating going on there. The reasoning was about being comfortable and flexible which was a great answer to a question that had no deeper meaning whatsoever. Zach said a throne which is ironic as the only thing he's the king of is getting thrown out of bio. This answer shocked Borys and Jackson as they were convinced he was going to say booster seat. Zach then changed his answer to a more humble lazy boy, expressing why he relates to an inanimate object being both comfortable and easily approachable. Soleil expressed her love for “pod chairs” which is such an amazing answer that Jackson and Borys socks were shot off with such velocity that it left a blaze trail. This was the best answer with Soleil sharing some very personal stories about her being obsessed with those chairs when she was younger. Finally Jojo finished the interview with the most boring answer yet, an office chair. An incredibly boring pick for someone with an incredibly fun personality like all the chairs. However the office chair is a staple and a top 3 chair of all time, being incredibly versatile. All chairs picked amazing answers with some great reasoning and it was amazing to get to know all the candidates on such a spiritual level. However no candidates said co-chair, proving that none of the candidates running are fit for the role and we should vote for Pedram instead.

Question 2: If your campaign was a sandwich, what ingredients would you put in it, and why?

For this question all candidates answered in a very similar fashion, somewhat unoriginally taking the most common sandwich ingredients and giving them some metaphorical meaning. Boring. Some might say this is because the question itself was imposing an unrelieved answer, yet this can’ t be further from the truth. In fact, saying that would amount to nothing less than heresy. All questions were meticulously crafted by the fine wordsmiths Borys and Jackson, thus making it implicitly ridiculous, laughable, and preposterous to suggest the question could have been boring. One thing did come out of this question though. A great divide between the candidates, one that is only comparable to the divide between good and evil, light and dark, Stand and sit. Three of the six candidates, Soleil, Max and Zach have stated that a burger is a sandwich. When Borys and Jackson found out about that, they were thoroughly bamboozled, as they have never heard an idea more ridiculous. A burger being a sandwich?? Who do they think they are, some kind of social revolutionaries? A sandwich has never and will never be a burger and vice versa. Therefore, saying a burger is a sandwich is both logically and morally incorrect, as well as being misleading and harmful to society. If Borys and Jackson were to ever ask for a sandwich and receive a burger instead, they would have most likely taken the burger and thrown it back at whoever made it, while underscoring how important it is to be precise when using language, and words when making claims.

Question 4: What is one reason why we shouldn’t vote for you?

The magnum opus question, one that will have the likes of Plato and Socrates ponder for an eternity. Each candidate gave very strong answers with Max and Elizabeth giving the same answer about how amazing the other candidates are and that one reason they shouldn't vote for them is because the other candidates are so good. Soleil said that she is a perfectionist and has too many ideas for the school to handle, and Zach said a similar thing. These have all been very safe answers, beating around the bush in case anything they say has the slight chance of ruining the campaign for the 3 people reading this article. However Jojo said something so heinous and disgusting that if it were 13th century Europe she would have been burned at the stake for being a witch, and rightfully so. She said she was left handed. That being said,we don't want to be so hard on the candidates since they are all very lovely, talented people (not as lovely and talented as Borys and Jackson) and this article is nothing more than an attempt at a joke. However Jojo will be a top 6 vote for us despite being left handed which is inexcusable.