- The Vertigo

My arrival at Pulau Bidong was both an unbelievable wish and a dream come true. Countless people had and continually attempted the journey across the ocean but many were lost at sea, their fates unknown and never to be heard from again. I cannot express the wide range of intense emotions and indescribable feelings I experienced as I embarked on this perilous journey from the land of my birth in search of a safe haven and a new place to call home. It was the end of one journey and chapter of my life and the beginning of a new one. Sometimes I look out across the sea and I hear the sound of never-ending whispering waves. These constantly whispering waves mirror each breath we take and the beating of our hearts. If the rolling ocean waves were not constantly in motion they should be as peaceful as the surface of a river.

In the clear blue sky silvery clouds drifted above us creating a beautiful scene. During my time on the boat the state of unending fear and panic I experienced had rendered me unable to dream as I reflected on my uncertain future. Perhaps at the time my mind was so focused on my very possible death in any number of dreadful ways such as drowning in the ocean’s depths, that I did not take notice of my surroundings.

Now as I sat on the smooth sandy beaches of Pulau Bidong my mind was calm and at peace, no longer filled with chaotic thoughts of death or loss. The serenity of my mind made me feel as if I was flying in heaven; my mind sang with joy instead of suffering in hell. I was guided to a tent in section B. This tent was occupied by four orphans who had already been accepted to settle in France and were just waiting for an available ship out. Section B was located near the Task Force office of the Malaysian Home Guard. From there it took just a few short steps to the market which was very convenient. For the first three days after my arrival I was affected by land-sickness and experienced a variety of symptoms. I felt nauseated and vomited extensively, experienced vertigo to such an extent where I was unable to eat and had to lie down in the tent, and walked unsteadily with great difficulty. It seemed to me as if my head was spinning three hundred and sixty degrees leaving me with no sense of awareness of the outside world.

My stay on the boat, constantly buffeted by waves, wind, and perpetual swaying motion, caused me to develop a nasty case of seasickness. I vomited green and yellow bile for the entire journey. This seasickness did not set in until we had reached ocean waters. When seasickness did take effect the majority of the passengers were plagued with it as we transitioned from the calm waters of the estuary to the nonstop rocking motion of the ocean. However, when I stepped onto land again I was beset with a case of landsickness, caused by the reversal of my body’s state from constant motion to being stable again. For three entire days I lay completely still praying for my case of extreme vertigo to go away. I could not stand up for even a moment as the world felt as if it was whirling around me. I had no sense of balance and would immediately collapse if I tried. The orphans I was staying with understood what I was going through because the same thing had happened to them when they reached solid land. The fifteen year old girl cooked some food for me and told me to eat something to fill my stomach. However, I was so sick that I could not eat anything no matter how much I wanted to. The vertigo affected me similarly to how a pinwheel is rapidly spun by a thunderstorm. I tried to fall asleep as much as I could as I waited for the vertigo to end. I continued to have zero appetite and it felt as if my stomach was still tied up in knots and as cramped as they were when I was still out on the ocean.

Nov 21, 2015

Page 203 - 2016 in the book

Pulau Bidong, State Of Mind

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