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I am Camille Johnson and this is Finding the Floor.

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Stories and reflections mid-life motherhood, family and finding meaning in it all.

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To me is I share a little piece of my life and figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

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Hey friends, welcome to Finding the Floor. This is Episode 251.

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And today I am going to talk about building your mental bank account as a parent.

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And how do we do that? Because it can be so easily intertwined with our kids and what they are doing.

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So that is sort of why I am going to try to help us untwine, untangle, untwine.

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I don't even think that is a word.

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Okay, how is everybody? So last week I was already to record an episode and then I had been filling a little bit congested like the day before.

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And then I just woke up feeling super congested, not sounding really good.

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And I had a big weekend of things that I was in charge of.

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And I just was like, you know what? I just need a rest because if I get even more sick by trying to push myself too hard, then that is not going to help at all.

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So I hope you guys were okay. Not having an episode for me last week.

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But what was kind of cool is while I was resting, I been watching this cage drama called Dr. Slump.

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And it totally addressed this whole idea of this like getting your value of what you do as a parent from how your kids end up.

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Does that make sense? And I know it probably does make sense because we've all been there.

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And it's just this really tricky spot. So anyway, we're going to talk about that later, but I just had a couple bits of news.

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So my daughter got her mission call. I could remember if I said something last week, but she got called to the Scotland Ireland mission.

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What?

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You know, when you're like so ready to accept whatever call the Lord gives you and trying to help explain that to my daughter,

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it's just like, okay, are you ready? Like it could be literally anywhere. You could be going to Idaho.

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You could be going to Texas, like, you know, just like anywhere.

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You could be going to any random country that we haven't even really thought about.

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And then she gets this call to like, it was funny. My brother was like to the home country. What?

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We have relatives both in Ireland and Scotland and my husband has relatives from Ireland and it's just kind of overwhelming and cool.

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It's just been kind of fun to be excited about that. And she gets to go to the England MTC Missionary Training Center.

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And so that's different. So I just am excited for her. And I think I would have been excited because it would have all felt right, but this just feels really good for her.

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So that was really fun. And now we get to prepare. She leaves this summer. So luckily it's not like in a month. We have a few months to get ready.

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Okay. So other thing is this past week was Saint Patrick's Day. And does anybody do any fun traditions?

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I know a lot of people just were green, but because I grew up with a mom whose last name is Kelly and is from Ireland or has relatives from Ireland, she would always make corn beef and potatoes and carrots and cabbage for dinner.

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And I just always remember that. And so that's just been a tradition that I have picked up. I've been able to find corn, beef and cabbage because here in Cleveland, it's kind of a big deal.

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They even have in a parade, Saint Patrick's Day Parade, which I've only been to once because it's usually freezing.

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And this week it was freezing. Like it was snowing and like 26 degrees.

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So and most of the people are drunk wet that are watching that parade and not sure a few of the people in the parade are also drunk. So anyway, it's also sort of like a big neighborhood parade.

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If you have parades in your city where you just have schools walking and teams walking and maybe a few vehicles, but not like big floats.

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So I just have this super funny story is my parents were in town, I don't know, 10 or so years ago. And it happened to be during Saint Patrick's Day because it was coordinating with one of my kids.

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They were in a show and they came to see that and and I was like, it was actually a nice day.

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So we're like, why don't we go down and see the Saint Patrick's Day Parade? I've never even seen it. And so my mom and dad come with me.

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And I don't know if you are familiar with the 24th of July parade in Salt Lake City, but it's a big deal.

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And there's some serious floats and you can probably think about the Macy Day Parade and it's sort of like a mini version of that.

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Like it's it's a big deal with floats and cool things happening. So I think that was my mom's expectation. She's going down to see a parade in downtown Cleveland.

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And it definitely wasn't that. In fact, like the princess of the parade was just being pulled in this like undecorated trailer on a stool.

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It was just not even like a streamer was on this little trailer. So my mom was like, who do I need to talk to about this?

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I was like, mom, I think they've been doing this for years and it's just going to keep happening. So anyway, we do some fun things. So we do the dinner. We wear green.

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And then a tradition from my husband's side from his mom. She always has a leprechaun cum and died in the milk green. We sorted it on our site too. And then

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a fun thing that she helped us start was like the leprechaun leaves gold, which is roll those, you know, because they're wrapped in gold. And so you just leave those all over the house.

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And then we started having like a bowl of Skittles as that's the rainbow. It's been fun. And you know, I only have two kids left right now.

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One is working all day. So he's not home very much. And then we were a little slow getting the leprechaun out. Anyway, as I picked her up from school, she's like, did the leprechaun cum?

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Do we need to go get some gold? You know what I mean? And I was like, yeah, the leprechaun came. He was a little late. It was the snow. It was hard to get through. But so that's always been a fun thing we've done on same Patrick's day.

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And we were thinking, oh my gosh, next year, my daughter might be actually an Ireland on same Patrick's day. How cool is that?

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Okay. So I am going to get into the topic. But one more thing is I don't know if you've been experiencing this, but here in Cleveland, we've had this crazy weather in March. And I know March sort of like is all over the place, but it literally has been like 70 degrees on Sunday.

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And then by Tuesday, 20 degrees and snowing. And then it's supposed to be warm up and then do all this craziness for the rest of the month.

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At least in March, you know that if it snow, it's not going to last forever. So that is at least one constellation. Okay.

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Gosh, I've been talking for a while and we haven't even gotten to our topic. So I'm going to talk about this K-drama to sort of introduce how we can build a mental bank account for ourselves as parents and as a mom.

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Now remember, the mental bank account is when you're finding things that you do that shows your success, your effort and your progress and your constantly looking for ways that you're doing well. Right. So remember that. Okay.

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So anyway, this show called Dr. Sloan is about these two doctors who are super good students when they're growing up and they're really competitive with each other. They end up going to really good schools and medical schools, but they come to the situation where they're like hitting rock bottom.

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This particular woman, Hanuel, if that's how you say it, she studied so hard and she hardly ever even went out with friends or did fun things because she was always studying.

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She ends up getting diagnosed with depression and is just a little bit frustrated with her mom. Okay.

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So her mom says something that I think is really profound and something that I think is so easy to do. She said, "When you would come home from with an A, this is when she was younger and in school, then it felt like we as parents were also getting an A."

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Eventually, they come to this place where she's just like, "Right now, I can barely even function. I've just worked so hard and my brain is just kind of broken right now."

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So her mom is just trying to help her become more healthy and I think that's just such a true and easy thing to do as a parent.

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Like, "I'm getting an A if you come home with an A." But that is not really a good way to define your worth because you're defining your worth by someone else's choices that you have no control over.

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And so that could be very disempowering when you do that, which is why you can't do that. It's not helpful.

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And it can be easy to think, "Oh, I'm a good parent because my kids are doing these things and they're behaving or they're accomplishing or they're functioning as good adults or good teenagers or good kids."

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But can you still have confidence and feel proud of what you're doing as a parent despite what your kids may be going through at the moment? Because our kids are always like growing and changing and same with us.

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So it's not like it's a fixed situation.

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Like, for instance, with this daughter in this K-drama, she was like always just doing her best and trying her hardest.

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And then literally hit rock bottom. So it's constantly changing.

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Okay, so let's quickly look closer at what Dr. Nate Zinser from the Confident Mind says, "How we build our mental bank account."

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And he talks about looking at your effort, progress, and successes, like your effort, progress, and success.

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So not the effort, progress, and success of your children. That's where they're going to build their confidence. So what are you doing?

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And as a parent, I just thought I was trying to think, "Okay, what are some things, like throughout the day, that could be something I could list as my effort, progress, and success?"

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I had a few ideas, so one of my efforts. I got up early before my kids get my workout in and do my scripture study.

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My progress for the day, I stayed calm when my daughter started to have a tantrum. Obviously my kids aren't doing tantrums right now, but you get what I mean.

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And then success, fall through with a consequence that we had discussed.

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Those are really good examples. Like, I'm not basing it on what my kids results are. I'm basing on what I'm choosing to do.

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So effort had a difficult conversation with my child. Maybe it didn't go perfectly, but I made the effort.

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Progress, took a deep breath, and went for a walk. When I noticed I was getting upset. Instead of like, "Ah, getting upset, I went for a walk."

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And then success went shopping and did some laundry and clean up the house. Those are all things that I have control, right?

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Another idea was effort. I drove all over and picked my kids up and took them where they needed to be.

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My effort as a parent got them where they needed to go. Success would be my child called me on the phone and I listened first and didn't try to solve their problem.

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I mean, something just simple like that, like thinking of ways that you have been trying to have a success, something like that.

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And then a progress would be, "I got up early and didn't complain."

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Which I'm still kind of struggling with you guys. I don't know if it's just...

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Well, I know what it is. I stay up too late and then morning comes too early.

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But once I get up, I'm usually fine. So it's just maybe I'm always just not going to be like popping out of bed. I just have to accept that.

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Okay. So here are some other things I was thinking about as you think about things that the efforts and the success and progress you're making as a parent

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to build your family culture. I guess we could call it as I like what Steve Bernard Covey calls that in Seven Habits for highly effective people.

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And I realize now that I've never read Seven Habits of highly effective families, so I probably need to do that.

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And even though my family is kind of like going into this new stage, like how can I learn to develop a new culture with my family that's now sort of getting bigger and smaller at the same time?

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Like they're not all at home, but I still want to feel all connected with them.

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So here are a couple things that I've listed as we think about ways we can build our mental bank account. What we think about our successes and efforts and stuff.

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Another thing would be reading scriptures as a family, scheduling my family vacation, asking everyone to help clean up the kitchen,

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being a listening ear, cheering on my child at a swimming, helping my child with her math homework, staying up late with my child, helping them with their science fair project, working together in the yard, raking leaves.

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Those are all things that I did. I made an effort. It has nothing to do with then what my child chose.

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So it's just really good to think about this. Okay, then as I was thinking about this and was reading and looking back at some of my old episodes, I was reminded about the emotional bank account that we can make deposits in with our children.

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So as we think about helping our children, maybe one of the things is like I made a deposit through this way in my child's emotional bank account.

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And I'm going to remind you what some of those things are, but that's another thing is like am I aware of things that I'm doing that are a deposit in my child's bank account or a withdrawal?

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So that's another way to think about how is my behavior going to build our trust or take it away. And I think that also was really helpful. And as I was reading this, I was like, okay, I really just maybe need to like review this all the time.

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It's just so crazy how good this stuff is.

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Okay, so again, this from seven habits from a highly effective people and he has one for families, which I haven't read, which I'm sure does these same things, but just goes more deeply into the family situations. Okay.

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So there's six ways you can make a deposit number one is taking the time to understand them and what they think is a deposit because you may think you're making deposits and what you're actually doing is making withdrawals.

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So you need to really learn what a deposit means for them. It reminds me of like the love languages. Maybe it's similar to that as you think of like what makes a deposit for them lately.

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My daughter has been watching Gilmore girls. I mean, she watched a little bit last year and my oldest daughter watched it before. And so I've sort of watched a wither a little bit in and out.

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And sometimes I think a lot about Emily Gilmore, which is the main character, Laura, lies mother. And she is kind of the quintessential what you don't want to do.

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Because she is very tied into the results of her children. But then also she doesn't really take time to understand what a deposit is for her daughter.

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So that's really something to think about like what does the deposit look? Okay. Then number two is attending to the little things. And I really like this when he wrote in his book.

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The little kindnesses and courtisies are so important. Small discertices, little unkindnesses, little forms of disrespect make large withdrawals.

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He tells the story in the book about this father's son night that he had with two of his sons when they were little. And one of them it was like some they did something and then they were watching a movie outside.

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One of the sons fell asleep and so while he was sleeping and just put his coat on him to keep so he would keep warm. And his older son noticed that and it really was a one thing that made the most difference in that night.

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And he was like, would you do that for me? Would you put your coat around me if I fell asleep? And so how important are showing the little kindnesses or curses to your children?

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That is a deposit. So that's also a good way to think about like how am I being respectful and kind to my children.

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Just the other day I happened to need to do the laundry and I noticed that my son's laundry was in the dryer. And at the time I just had a few more minutes instead of just throwing it into his basket.

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I just decided to fold it for him. Just a little kindness. Sometimes you don't necessarily like he wasn't expecting that. But I think that went a long way as a deposit for him.

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So just showing respect, kindnesses, courtsies to your kids. That is a great deposit.

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Okay, this next one I think is also really important. Keeping commitments. Keeping a promise is a major deposit and breaking a promise is a major withdrawal.

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Stephen Covey said this in this part of the book says, I believe that if you cultivate the habit of always keeping the promises you make, you build bridges of trust that span the gaps of understanding between you and your child.

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Then when your child wants to do something you don't want him to do and out of your maturity you can see consequences that the child cannot see you can say son or daughter. If you do this, I promise you that this will be the result.

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If that child has cultivated trust in your word in your promises, he will act on your counsel.

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And so Stephen or Covey just talks about how it's important if you make a promise to your child, do not break it under any circumstances unless it's like a major emergency.

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If you promise to take them somewhere or do something and be careful with your promises, make sure that they can trust that you'll keep your word.

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And I think it's so true that that happens the same for yourself as you build trust with yourself, keeping commitments and promises to yourself.

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Okay, this one I thought was really interesting as a deposit is clarifying expectations.

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And this could be something as you want to build your mental bank account as a parent thinking about was I clear with my expectations for whether it was something we were doing, a chore that we were doing, an experience, all these things am I clear with my expectations.

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Stephen Covey says a true deposit is to make the expectations clear and explicit in the beginning. This takes a real investment of time and effort upfront, but it saves great amounts of time and effort down the road.

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When expectations are not clear and shared, people begin to become emotionally involved and simple misunderstandings become compounded, turning into personality clashes and communication breakdown.

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I also really like Brene Brown has said this in I think it's a dare to lead book she says what does done look like maybe that's just with an assignment you give your kid or a tour or even somewhere you're going.

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Just make sure they have clear expectations clarifying expectations that is a deposit that is something you can totally do as a parent you know and that again you're making that deposit into your child's emotional bank account number five said showing personal integrity.

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And Stephen are going to say integrity includes but goes beyond honesty honesty is telling the truth in other words conforming our words to reality integrity is conforming reality to our words in other words keeping promises and fulfilling expectations this requires an integrated character a one is primarily with self but also with life.

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And part of this showing personal integrity he really really points out is being loyal to those that are present.

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This is super important for all relationships when you talk about someone who's not there.

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That is actually making a withdrawal from relationship for people who actually are there because then they're wondering are you going to talk about me when I am not here.

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And I think that can be super easy especially in a family setting.

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I know I tend to be better like with friends I don't want to gossip or talk about them with other people but I think it can be really easy within a family dynamic to do that be loyal to those that are present that is part of showing personal integrity.

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And then the other thing he points out under personal integrity is to apologize when you make a withdrawal like recognize when you make a withdrawal when you break a promise when you aren't honest when you may have been loyal and talked about someone behind their back you can apologize.

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Because of course we're all going to make these types of mistakes and so apology should be part of it like every family should have repentance or apology and forgiveness as part of their like culture right.

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Then the last thing number six that like six way to let make deposits in your children's emotional bank account is to practice unconditional love he says this when we truly love others without condition without strings we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their essential worth identity and integrity.

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Their natural growth process is encouraged we make it easier for them to live the laws of life cooperation contribution self discipline integrity and to discover and live true to the highest and best within them.

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We give them the freedom to act on their own inner impressions rather than react to our conditions and limitations.

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This does not mean we become permissive or soft that itself is a massive withdrawal we counsel we plead we set limits and consequences but we love regardless.

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I think that is like so important and also so hard finding that balance of like unconditional love with the limits and the consequences and how do you just not get your ego all into it it's just can be so complicated as a parent it's good to see someone or character maybe you don't have someone in your life but a character like Emily Gilmore.

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If I go back to the story in the Gilmore girls she is such a good foil or a bad example that make I think that's what I was.

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So if you've never watched Gilmore girls or if you're like me in 20 years late watching Gilmore girls are almost 20 years so Emily is a very wealthy mother and her daughter Laura I get pregnant when she's 16 years old.

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And because of the expectations her mother has and all these strings that she feels is attached she just basically runs away and raises her daughter in this place called stars hollow which is kind of near but like I don't know half hour 45 minutes from them.

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And it is where she's able to thrive but she always is worried her parents if she asked for help from her parents there's always going to be strings attached.

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If I ask for help if I need advice by any of this there are strings attached and it's funny how I talk to my daughter Millie just about like I she's like mom don't ever be like Emily and I was like do you think I am like Emily she's like well no I was like okay this is a really good example of what I don't want to be.

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I'm so worried about what other people think how things look and not worried about my child and their growth and seeing what they're doing sometimes it's good again to see what you don't want to be because it's hard to know exactly the line of like how to be.

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Unconditionally loving but also having like limits and consequences and want our kids to grow and be amazing but then also when they're having that situation like in the K drama where she just couldn't take it anymore that the mom could just love her anyway you know.

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And it was cute because of mom like starts growing cabbage and looks into all these things that would help like lighten her mood to help her like overcome her depression so I think of the story I remember hearing about this woman who had depression and so she goes and she said that she just went to her mother and lost house and like dropped her kids off and just slept.

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And her mother-in-law just took the kids and had fun with them for a few days and just let her sleep didn't judge her like she knew she had this safe space to just make sure her kids were okay and where she could also be okay gosh and I hope that if that were to happen to any of my kids or my you know my daughter-in-law or son-in-law that we could be.

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We could be that place for them that they would know they could come if they're really struggling and you help them get through it that's I think that place where you're building trust and then you're also building your own mental bank account so you can be there for them despite whatever they're going through because you're not entangled into your worth being with them.

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It's so interesting in these K-dramas are like oh is she married is she a doctor they're making a lot of money like all these things and somehow if they're not then as a parent their worth is less than which is so not the truth okay all your efforts you're making with your kids is important and whatever they choose you're not going to have control over and you can help them grow and

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give them consequences and help them learn a function is adults because that's really kind of such a hard space to be in and but it's just really interesting how how do we do that I think that one's just really can be hard but I think if you begin to look at the way you choose to behave and really

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really make an effort to write it down then I think you can like find that balance because if you think about like our Heavenly Father he does give us commandments and he gives us outlines of ways that we need to treat ourselves and others because he wants us to treat people better but he's always showing love towards us.

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I think also to children want to know that their love no matter what they're doing which I think sometimes children that is why children rebel it's like I'm going to test you and I thought this was so profound this little piece that I found and it must be in seven habits for highly effective families but it was on Facebook and it was a sky talking about this topic but he says

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the black sheep of the family let's just say this it says the black sheep highlights areas for growth and a healthy strong family ensures that every child not just the compliant ones feel they belong so it just was a really cool like true culture test is the measure of a family is how it treats the child who doesn't fit the mold.

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The growth opportunities is the black sheep often highlights where the family needs to grow and it says building the longing a strong family make sure every child feels a sense of belonging especially those who challenge the system and then adaptability healthy families are flexible and adapt to the needs of all children not just the easy ones.

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I just love this idea that Stephen Covey emphasizes that treating the challenging or different child well defines true family culture.

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Okay, guys, this has been really good to think about like how do you build your mental bank bank account as a mom and as a parent is those things that you're doing the efforts you are making.

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I just wanted to point that out because it can be so easy to get it so intertwined.

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Okay, I hope you guys have a good week. I know some we're getting into some spring breaks happening so hopefully it's good to have a little time off especially the kids really just like they really need it especially high scores.

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Okay, have an awesome week. Things for listening and I'll talk to you next week.

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Alright, see you bye.

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I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you have any questions, come by finding the floor dot com where I will have show notes and links for anything I've mentioned today.

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Special thanks to Seth Johnson for creating and performing the music.

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Come back next week and thanks for listening.

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