What I have learned this week:  This week I am reflecting on my life and getting closer to the age of 50.  I have just 5 months left until I turn 50.  It's funny how when I was a teenager I didn't really think about how my life should look when I was 50.  I thought about how my life might look when I got into college or maybe who I might marry and even having kids.  But after that, really not much thought.  It wasn't until I was closer to 40 that I began thinking more about turning 50 since it wasn't so very far away.   I also realized all the things I thought about, like my degree or career, who I might marry and what he would look like and how many kids I would have.  Or thing like what my house might look like and how cute I was or my kids were, those things now seem so surface level.  I am glad that I have grown and matured which is a blessing of aging as well.  Things like how I look still matter but not in the same way.  I want to present myself well but I am not concerned about being cool or in fashion.  

I am think about also how different my life is like now to even just how it was a mere 5 years ago.  Sometimes 5 years seems like not that long, but as I look back, 5 years seems like a forever ago.  In 2019, 5 years ago, I had 4 kids at home and one on a mission.  I had two kids in high school, one in middle school and another in elementary school.  My mornings were so different.  They started early, at 5:15 with my high schoolers who were off to seminary.  We would make lunch (sometimes) or even try to get them to eat breakfast (which was something they didn't even want to do most of the time).  Then they were off.  Then it would be another child's turn to get up and get ready - my middle schooler.  Sometimes dragging her out of bed, getting lunch made, finding homework, glasses and then making sure she had breakfast and then out the door and on the bus.  Then next we would get the elementary student up, clothed, breakfasted, lunch made, school stuff gathered and packed and then out the door.  A process that would last from 5:15 til about 8:15.  3 hours of my time just dedicated to helping kids get out the door and to school.  

Now my mornings helping my girls that our home, now only two, last maybe 15 minutes.  They get up on their own and I am the one to be dragged out of bed.  We don't worry about lunches because they decided to start eating school lunch and they make their own breakfast.  We sometimes have to find an ID or some glasses but that is it.  We pray and now that my one daughter got her license they are out the door and that is it.  15 minutes!  That is it!  From 3 hours to 15 minutes!  I can choose to go back to sleep if I want.  It is so different and feels a bit weird.  Like I had been treading water for so long, keep my head above water and all this work underneath to keep going and then someone just pulled me out of the water.  Everyone is ok and you can relax a bit.  

I remember daydreaming about this time - when my girls were in high school.  That we would just hangout and go shopping and enjoy our time together.  And it is really great but after being so involved it feels like I should be doing something but really I don't need to.  I am still here,  they are growing up and I can help them when they need it.  

So that last thing is that I have felt a new shift in me regarding what I want to do.  I have enjoyed the freedom I have found in substitute teaching.  I can choose when I work.  I don't have to ask anyone for time off.  I just simple tell them when I am available.  And I really like that.  So I have been looking for more ways I can work but also have my freedom in the same way.  I might buy an investment property or try becomeing a exercise instructor.  It feels so good to be settling into this and not worrying about trying to find a career when I feel a bit behind with that as I have chosen to stay home while my kids are young.  

So here is to midlife and almost 50.  It is lovely and weird too.  Not a crisis but an opportunity to find more joy in a new way.